


Destined for Disaster

by keepyoursoul



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Bottom!Frank, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Frerard, M/M, Minor Injuries, Mystery, Science Fiction, Top!Gerard, eventual Petekey, minor gore, myths, scifi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-05-16 03:03:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 94,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5811151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepyoursoul/pseuds/keepyoursoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard is Frank's new room mate, and he has a mysterious past that Frank struggles to figure out, with little help from Gerard. Will Frank ever have a breakthrough and discover what Gerard has been hiding? Or is it all easier said than done? Gerard and Frank go on this journey of discovery and secrecy together, all the while trying to maintain their turbulent friendship. (or something more?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is an abandoned story, but it doesn't end on a cliffhanger!! (so it's safe to read as is)

Frank lay in his bed at three in the afternoon on a Tuesday, throat dry, and leg throbbing in pain, despite the heavy duty painkillers that he took every four hours. He sat up in bed, pushing himself up on his elbows, gravity feeling a ton of bricks on his weak frame as he took his glass of water on the bedside table and drank from it slowly.

He did not question that by far, this was the worst month of his entire life.

It all started on the 9th, when he accidentally contaminated pieces of extremely important evidence from the court case he was working on. Those specific pieces of evidence would have proven that his client was innocent, and would have also given him a raise of he won the case, but by one little mistake, he ruined the trial, causing his client to lose the case, sending her to prison when Frank knew she was innocent, and also getting him fired from the law firm he worked at. He had worked there for six years, after graduating from law school after four long years of study.

It all went relatively smoothly, he got great grades in high school, and almost got top marks in his graduating class in university. He had no problem getting hired to a law firm, and he slowly climbed the corporate ladder, six years later being a respected lawyer, and a good one at that. Well, used to be. That all vanished as he was fired, now twenty-eight and unemployed, as well as single.

A week after he was fired, he found out that his girlfriend of two years cheated on him. He dumped her, sinking lower than he ever had in his life, now jobless and alone, with his big apartment all to his lonesome... All he had to do with his life now was find another well paying job. That's all he could do.

But about one week after him and Jamia had split, and he finally thought that he could scrape his life together, he booked an interview for another agency that rivaled his previous one, but it didn't matter to him. A job was a job, and he would take anything that he could get, wanting to stick to his field as to not waste his four years spent at university and thousands of dollars in tuition fees working as a waiter or something.

For some reason, he decided that he would walk there. It was a sunny New Jersey day, and the office was only about five blocks down the street. The traffic light was red, and the walk sign blinked bright, indicating him to cross the road. So he did.

But the next thing he knew, his vision went black, and he felt immense pain in his side, finally slipping unconscious, and waking up many hours later in the hospital.

They told him that he got hit by a truck, the driver was texting, and didn't realize that they ran a red light until it was too late, and Frank, blissfully unaware, was bruised from head to toe, his leg in a cast up to the knee, broken in several places.

He remembered sitting in the hospital bed and crying for days on end, because this was most definitely the worst month of his life, jobless and broken now, with no one to take care of him, the doctors sent him home after a week, with instructions to his friend Ray to check up on him every day, since his parents had moved to Italy when he started university.

Frank sighed to himself in his bed, looking down at his bare chest that was almost completely purple and dark greenish black in his left side, tender and aching. He slowly sat up all the way, pulling a shirt on and hobbling into his living room on crutches, immediately putting his leg up onto the table to elevate it.

He reached for the mail that Ray had left on the coffee table, opening the various bills that he had barely enough money to pay for. The final one that he opened was his monthly rent.

Him and Jamia split their rent, both of them combined just the right amount to pay for their spacious apartment, but now with just Frank on his own, jobless, he was starting to go broke. The obvious thing to do would be to move into a more affordable apartment, but because of his injury, he wasn't in any shape to pack all of his stuff up and move, without making Ray do all of the work, which he would never ask for. Ray already did enough for him, bringing him food and checking up on him every day. Even helping him into the shower with a garbage bag over his leg, which showed how much he cared about Frank, because this was definitely above and beyond what was expected of him.

Ray felt bad about Frank staying home all alone, but he couldn't really do anything about it, as he was married with kids of his own, and he couldn't really get away with letting Frank sleep on his couch for a couple months when they barely had enough room in their apartment with the four of them as it was.

This left Frank with one last option. Sadly, he opened his laptop and typed in Cragslist, writing an ad to rent out his spare bedroom, which had its own ensuite bathroom, asking for the same amount that Jamia would have contributed if they were still together. He wrote a couple of specifications, like "steady job", "quiet", and "no criminal record", among others, and hit post. He also posted the link to his facebook, before closing the computer and sighing to himself, questioning what he had done for all of this to happen to him.

A key turned in the lock, and Frank was pulled out of his self-loathing state, as Ray entered the living room, his eyes meeting Frank who lay awkwardly on the sofa, looking like an actual hobo.

"I brought you lasagna."

-

Two weeks later, Frank got a text from an unknown number, presumably about the ad that he posted.

Hi, I'm interested in renting the spare bedroom. Call me?

Nervously, Frank dialed the number, and it ringed only once before the person on the other end picked up, a guy's voice with a soft Jersey accent answering.

"Hi, Frank?" The guy asked, sounding just as nervous as Frank.

"Yeah, um, you're interested in renting the room?" He asked.

"Mhm, would it be okay if I looked at the apartment?"

"Uh, you're sure that you'd be able to pay the rent every month on time? What do you do?"

The guy took a while to answer. "Um, I work for my uncle right now, umm... Fixing cars."

"Fixing cars?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, but um, I'm trying to find a better job right now. I have a couple of interviews, so I'll probably get one soon"

"Are you sure of that? Like, I need to be sure that you can pay the rent cause that's the whole reason I'm renting out the place. I don't have enough money to pay it all right now, so..."

"Yeah, no, I'll be able to pay it, I swear," the guy said hurriedly.

"Ok, um, can I ask how old you are?" Frank asked.

"I'm... Twenty-six."

Frank smiled. "Are you sure of that?" He asked. Either the guy had anxiety or he was lying about something.

"I'm sure. I'm twenty-six."

"Okay," Frank said, and recited his address to the guy, who seemed quiet and overly nervous, but as far as Frank could tell, someone who would make a good roommate... Or as far as he could tell over the phone.

After the guy said that he had the address written down, and they were about to hang up, but Frank decided to add something.

"Oh, one more thing," he said.

"Yeah?" The guy on the other end asked.

"Uh, I was kind of hit by a car three weeks ago, so, just to prepare you. I'm not really in the best shape right now." He said with a nervous laugh.

There was silence, and a sound that he couldn't make out.

"Hello?" Frank asked, checking to see if they were still there.

"Yeah, I heard you," they said, their voice breaking. "Um... Okay, see you tomorrow," and with that, they hung up.

Well, that was a little weird. But Frank told himself that it was fine. Maybe they were just sensitive to car crash victims. Who knows, tomorrow he'd meet him and determine if he was an absolute weirdo or not, not that he had a whole lot of options available to him.

-

Frank woke up in pain, as usual, and drug himself into the bathroom to clean himself up as much as possible in his condition. His face was tired looking, his hair rumpled in all different directions, and he had been wearing the same t-shirt for three days. He washed his face and ran his hands through his hair until it was acceptably disheveled, before peeling his shirt and boxers off, putting clean ones on. He pulled the fresh shirt over his head, ignoring the screaming pain in his ribs as he did so, and found some cargo shorts to put on, as none of his skinny jeans would go over his cast. He could barely pull them over his actual body, regardless, because his jeans philosophy was to wear them either extremely tight or nothing at all.

He waited on the couch in the living room, suddenly feeling kind of nervous to meet this guy, though the thought that the guy was like a hundred times more nervous sounding than him was comforting, so he scrolled through his phone as the time neared closer and closer, and before he knew it, there was a knock at the door.

He got up and answered it, taking him longer than usual with his crutches, and when he pulled the door open he was faced with something that he had not expected.

The face of someone indescribably beautiful, with black hair, and pale, smooth skin, standing four or five inches taller than him in their skinny jeans and leather jacket. The guy's bright olive eyes were insanely wide, looking almost shocked, as him and Frank stared at each other weirdly for a few seconds before Frank stepped aside and let him in.

"Hey," Frank said, after he closed the door.

"Hi," he said simply, still looking at Frank intensely all over, making Frank feel incredibly self conscious. He knew he looked like a piece of shit, but he was hit by a car for Christ's sake!

"So, uh, do you wanna take a look around?" Frank asked, concluding that he was obviously the one that was going to have to do all the talking.

"Sure. Are you okay?" The guy asked him, his eyebrows scrunched together in a painful expression.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, a little sore but I'm fine," he told him, and led the man into his kitchen.

"So, this is the kitchen, you can use anything you want, as long as you buy groceries too," he told him.

The guy stood in the doorway and nodded.

Frank took this as his cue to move on, so he went past him and into the hallway, the crutches making a clicking noise as he walked.

"Um, this is my room," he said, pointing to the left, but he didn't lead them in. Further down the hall, he pointed to the right, "And this would be your room. There's a bathroom attached, just like mine," he told him, and they walked in, looking around at the simple white bed and walls, glancing in the bathroom before walking out.

"It looks nice," he said quietly, and looked at Frank to say something else.

"Um, and that's about it," he said, walking back down the hallway and into the kitchen, the guy following quietly behind.

Frank went to walk around the kitchen counter to stand on the other side and get a drink, when he hit his hip on the side of the countertop, usually something that you would barely notice, but Frank gasped and winced, instinctively reaching to hold his tender hip and dropping one of the crutches in the process. It fell weakly to the ground with a crash.

The guy's face was shocked, and he looked contemplative before he walked forward and picked up the crutch, leaning it against the counter.

"You're in a lot of pain?" He asked Frank, and Frank shook his head, taking deep breaths as he lied through his teeth. "Um, it's not too bad, really," he said, even they both knew it was a lie. Frank slowly took his hand away and looked down at his hip, before looking at the guy who stood the closest that they had ever been to him.

Despite being older, Frank was much smaller than the guy, and he watched as the guy's hand reached forward slowly and as gently as he could, pulled the side of Frank's t-shirt up. His mouth gaped open as he saw the intense blue and black bruising, that travelled way past the few inches of skin that the man could see, actually spreading from the top of his rib age down his hip and into his leg.

Frank looked from his side that they were both looking at in concern, to the guy's face as he held Frank's t-shirt up loosely, his eyebrows scrunched together and what almost looked like tears forming in his eyes.

"Hey, I'm fine, I promise. Are you okay?" Frank asked him, and the guy eventually swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded.

"Mhmm, yeah, I'm okay. So, do you think I can move into the apartment?" He asked as he let Frank's shirt go.

"Yeah, sure," Frank nodded. "You seem like a good guy, and as long as your sure that you can pay rent it's fine with me," he told him, and abandoned his quest to get them a drink as he hobbled to the couch and sat down, grimacing a little as he got comfortable.

The guy joined him on the couch, and Frank thought of another question to ask him.

"Oh, did you get the job you were talking about?"

The guy opposite looked away guiltily. "Um... No, but I'll get one as soon as I can though, I promise."

"So you don't even have a job right now?" Frank asked, confused.

"Well... Not technically but I'm on it, I swear. I'll have one by the end of the week."

"Dude, literally my only stipulation is that you could pay rent. I can't let you move in if you can't do that cause to be honest I'm barely scraping by right now." Frank said, running his hand through his hair. Why did this guy lie to him?

"Please, I really need somewhere to stay," he said, his wide eyes pleading with Frank's. "I'll find a job, and you can kick me out if I can't pay the rent by the first month, honestly. Just give me a chance. Please," he stressed, and looked on the verge of tears.

Frank didn't know why he was considering this. He wanted someone stable, someone older, and someone with a steady income to move into the spare room, not some anxious, unstable guy, who, to be quite honest, Frank could not figure out at all. Why did he act so scared and why was he so concerned for Frank?

Either Frank was incredibly vain, or just really stupid, (it seems like he couldn't make one right decision lately), because he told the beautiful guy next to him the news that he was praying for.

"Okay, you can move in," he told him, the other man's face softening, showing first smile that Frank had seen on their face. "But I'm not kidding about the rent. I'm not trying to be mean, but if you can't pay it you're gonna have to move out again."

He nodded. "I know. I'll get my stuff from out side."

Frank assumed that me meant one or two boxes, meaning that he'd get a van to move all of this other stuff in the next day, but to his surprise, the guy entered his apartment again in minutes, carrying a duffel bag, and closing the door behind him.

Frank thought about this for a second as the man went down the hallway and presumably went into his bedroom to put the bag. Is this literally all that he owned? His whole life's worth in one small bag?

He got up and slowly went down the hallway to see him taking out a couple articles of clothing into the drawers of the dresser.

"So, you're moving the rest of your stuff in tomorrow, or?..." He asked him curiously.

The guy continued to unpack his things, not meeting Frank's eyes, but he was biting his lip.

"...nothing else..."

"What was that?" Frank asked.

"I don't have anything else," he said and looked directly at Frank, placing the now empty bag in the closet.

"Oh," Frank said, and started to feel bad for even asking. He went into the room and sat down on the end of the bed, getting tired of holding his heavy casted leg up while standing.

"This is stupid of me, but what's your name again?" He asked.

"Gerard," he said, and sat down across from Frank on the small bed. "Can I ask you something Frank?"

"Mhmm."

"How are you, truthfully. I mean, I know that you were in an accident, but are you actually okay? Is there anything that I can help you with since I'm here?"

"No," he said immediately. "You don't have to do anything, I'm fine. Really. I mean, I've had the shittiest month and I lost my job and stuff, but I'll be okay soon. After this heals I'm gonna get a good job and I'll be back on my feet in no time. My friend Ray comes over and help me with stuff sometimes, so you'll probably meet him in a day or two... So yeah, hopefully I'll heal up soon, cause these crutches are kind of a pain in the ass. As well as the literal pain in my ass, but yeah, I'll be fine," he told Gerard, trying to keep the mood light despite the depressing topic at hand.

Gerard continued to look down at his lap, and Frank noticed a tear slide down his face. Gerard wiped it away and looked up at Frank, resting a hand on his uninjured knee. "I really hope you feel better soon," he said, in the most genuine way possible, and it confused Frank how someone that he just met could be so caring towards him.

"Hey," he said, "I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me."

And Gerard merely nodded, looking at the brand new closet that he could call his own, while Frank stared at his new roommate with more confusion that he'd ever felt towards anyone in his life.


	2. Chapter 2

Gerard spent his time doing two things. Looking for a job, and trying to help Frank. But this was harder said than done, because most of the time Frank was extremely resistant.

Frank sat at the kitchen table, eating cereal that Gerard made him (what was he going to do, throw it out?) and scrolling through his Facebook. He kept glancing at Gerard, who read the newspaper with a red pen, circling any job that he could apply for. He looked amazing with his straight, messy hair, biting his lip as he read the job descriptions.

Frank made his way into the living room, sitting down near Gerard and turning on the tv. He flipped through the channels and found an old Star Wars movie playing. Gerard glanced up at the noise, and watched the screen intently before going back to the paper.

"Have you seen this one?" Frank asked him.

"This what?"

"This movie."

"Um, no."

"Oh. But you've seen 1, 2, and 3, right? I usually don't watch this one cause it's kind of boring," he explained, to fill the silence.

"I don't really know what you mean," Gerard told him, a puzzled look on his face.

"Star Wars. Never seen it?"

"I guess not," Gerard said, not phased by the information that he was telling Frank.

"How have you never seen Star Wars?" He asked, flabbergasted.

"I don't watch tv much," he said, closing the conversation. Frank couldn't focus on the movie, far too distracted by the things that he learned about Gerard after only the second day of them living together. Okay, so, he's never seen Star Wars, and he has barely enough clothes for a week. Maybe he was an orphan, living on the streets? It was the only thought that made sense in his mind, until he reminded himself that Gerard was twenty-six, so surely he would have gotten a job and taken care of himself as he grew up. Gerard really confused him, but it was a curious kind of intrigue that made him want to learn so much more.

Within a short period of time, Frank discovered many other things that Gerard didn't know much about. He showed him how to turn the stove on, and he started off with something easy- how to scramble eggs. He showed him how to use the washer and dryer, the dishwasher, and the tv. It perplexed Frank that someone his age didn't know how to do these things, he seemed to have a lot of knowledge about life, just not with everyday adult responsibilities. Maybe he really was homeless? But then how would he have seen his Craigslist ad? It made no sense to him, but he decided to accept it. He should just get used to Gerard now that he was staying here, there was no sense contemplating his past. 

Gerard picked things up easily. It wasn't long before he was making food and doing laundry himself, and before Frank knew it, he seemed just like any other guy. Almost.

-

Ray came over one day, just to hang out with Frank, and after catching up for a bit, Ray talking about his kids and his job, Frank talking about Gerard, they decided to play Xbox, something they'd been doing together since they were teenagers. 

"So how is it living with Gerard? Different?" Ray asked as they turned it on and set up.

Frank pushed his hair back with his fingers."Yeah, you could definitely say that. He's a little different."

"What, like weird?"

"Well, I don't want to say weird, cause he's a nice guy, but like, he showed up with one bag, he's always like super anxious looking, and i had to show him how to turn on the stove. Among other things."

"Oh, that different."

Frank chuckled. "Yeah, i don't really know what to think of him," he said, as they started playing the game. 

Their conversation drifted away as they got into the game, shouting things at each other every once in a while, before they were interrupted.

The door opened abruptly, and Gerard walked into the apartment, stopping in his tracks when he noticed Ray sitting on the couch right in front of him. His eyed were widened, and he looked in between Frank and Ray a couple times.

"Hey, I'm Ray," he told him with a smile, before returning to the game.

"Gerard," he replied before quickly crossing in front of the tv to make his way down the hall.

"Hey, Gerard!" Frank stopped him before he could get too far.

Gerard turned around and looked at him, eyebrows slightly raised.

"Do you wanna play with us? I have another controller," He asked hopefully. He felt distant to Gerard, and for some reason wanted to get to know him better. Despite living together, he still felt like they were strangers.

"What are you playing?" he asked from the hallway.

"Halo," Frank replied.

"What!?" Gerard exclaimed, sounding frightened, before coming back into the living room. "What do you mean halo?"

"Halo, it's just a game. You don't have to play you know..." he trailed off, not really looking at Gerard, but keeping his eyes on the tv, thankful for the distraction, otherwise this might be another one of their weird conversations.

"I think i have to go," Gerard said nervously, before grabbing his jacket and slamming the door closed behind him, out of the apartment as fast as he came in.

Ray paused the game, and looked at Frank. "Kay, now I know what you mean."

-

It was a few days later that Frank realized Gerard was almost replacing Ray in what he needed help with around the house. He got better at cooking pretty quickly, and after a while, Frank told Ray that he didn't need to come over as often. Gerard would do little things for him, like bring him coffee, even when he didn't ask for it, and whenever Frank reached for his crutches to grab his laptop or a book, Gerard always gabbed it for him, no matter how much Frank protested.

At first it was annoying, having someone watching him and helping him in everything he did, but as the week went by, Frank grew to enjoy having Gerard around, and he'd admit that when Gerard went for job interviews, he missed him. Spending every minute of the day with someone would do that to a person.

That night, they both sat on the couch watching an old horror movie, one of Frank's favourites, and of course one that Gerard had not seen. By the time it was over, it was well into the early hours of the morning, and it was time to go to bed. Frank groaned and went to reach for his crutches leaning against the side of the couch, wincing slightly as he took his leg off the table, when Gerard reached out and touched his leg. 

"I can just carry you if you want me to," he told Frank.

Frank immediately rolled his eyes. "Oh my god, I can walk fine," he said, and attempted to stand up, swaying a little, and out of reflex, holding Gerard's shoulder for support as he almost fell over.

"Right," Gerard said sarcastically, as he reached behind Frank and scooped up behind his knees, and supporting his back as he slowly went down the hallway, careful not to hit Frank's leg on the doorway.

Frank was surprised at first, how easily Gerard could pick him up. He knew he was small, okay, but he liked to think that he was not as easily manipulated. His arm was around Gerard's shoulders, and he could feel the warmth and breathing in his chest, the way Gerard's hands felt strong and sturdy, carrying him to the end of the hall and into Frank's bedroom.

Gerard carefully placed Frank on the bed, leaning over him and helping his injured leg onto a pillow to be elevated. Frank looked up at him, his face hidden behind his black hair as he reached over to grab the pillow before putting it under his leg. He could do nothing but look him, his face up close, all smooth skin and pink lips.

Gerard straightened up, his hand still lingering on Frank's leg, he looked at him for a moment too long for Frank to pass off as a glance. "Night," he told Frank, before he walked out of the room. Frank felt the warm trail of his fingertips as he walked away, a light brush that lingered in his mind as he sunk into sleep.

-

Green eyes.

Frank gazed into the bright green eyes that he secretly longed for, rimmed with black that was probably a few days old, and soon enough those eyes met his own, staring directly at him.

Frank was a little startled, he didn't meant to let Gerard catch him staring. Gerard looked up at him through his long black hair, a questioning expression on his face. "Did you need something, Frankie?" he asked.

Frank shook his head. 

"Are you sure that you don't need anything, Frankie? That you don't want anything that you're not telling me?" he asked, getting up from where he was sitting and slinking over to Frank. 

"I think there's something you want that you're keeping from me. And i bet i know what it is," he said as he leaned down to where Frank was sitting, and before Frank could think of something to say, Gerard placed both of his knees on either side of Frank's thighs, straddling him and looking at Frank so much closer to him. Frank's heart raced as Gerard's hand came up cupped Frank's face, looking into his eyes. "Is this what you want?" he asked, before he leaned in and placed his lips on Frank's, feeling perfectly soft and warm, moving in rhythm to his own. Frank felt Gerard's tongue flit over his lips and into his mouth, exploring and rubbing against his own, causing Frank to groan without meaning to. Gerard responded by grinding down onto Frank, his crotch creating friction in just the right place with Frank's. Frank felt overwhelmed and overstimulated by all of this happening so suddenly, feeling Gerard's ass rotate in little circles and grind down into him, combined with his tongue moving sensually in his mouth. He tangled his fingers into Gerard's messy hair, pushing into his lips even harder. 

"Is this what you want, Frank? You want me to FUCK you?" Gerard asked against his lips, and Frank was just about to rush, 'yes, yes, that's what I want', before a heard a loud noise.

The noise sounded again, a fast, harsh sort of noise, and all of a sudden his eyes sprang open, his heart beating fast once again as the feeling of Gerard, once hot and sweaty on top of him faded away like a distant memory, and the morning sunlight filtered into his retinas, blinding and unwelcome.

As his brain slowly took in reality, his eyes made their way over to the real Gerard, who stood in the doorway with a plate of scrambled eggs, a concerted expression on his face. "It's like two pm, I thought you'd be up, sorry," he said awkwardly, as it seems like he woke Frank from a nightmare.

If he only knew.

"No, its okay, I should get up anyway," Frank told him, and Gerard took that as his cue to enter the room. He sat on the edge of the bed and handed Frank the scrambled eggs, the first thing that Frank taught him to make.

Frank took the eggs and ate them immediately, wanting to avoid any conversation as the dream still lingered in the corner of his mind, and he couldn't help but feel weird with Gerard sitting directly in front of him, picking at a thread from his sheet, before the silence got too much and Gerard got up to leave. "Having a shower," he said, and closed Frank's door closed behind him, leaving Frank to himself and his perverted mind.

He heard the shower start, and his mind drifted to thoughts of Gerard in the shower, the water running down his chest, tilting his head up to wash his hair, exposing his neck...

SNAP OUT OF IT, Frank thought, and placed his plate on the nightstand, reaching for his crutches and making his way into the kitchen, to get away from the sound of the shower and everything that Gerard may or may not be doing in it.


	3. Chapter 3

Eventually Frank grew the courage to ask Gerard why he ran out that day that Ray was over. Gerard frustrated him because he put so much time into talking to him and teaching him things, yet he got very little information left. Granted, he wasn't necessarily owed those things, he just expected a little bit of an explanation. That may make him seem entitled, but he didn't care anymore.

"I just... You know that I don't know how to do a lot of stuff, and I'm okay with you knowing that since we live together and I'm comfortable around you, it's just awkward cause I never know if everyone's gonna be as nice about it as you are." He tried to explain as they both sat on Gerard's bed.

"Well, that's okay, I just didn't know if i said something wrong, or..." Frank tried to explain his reasoning for asking him about his odd behaviour. 

"No, you didn't do anything wrong, I just got startled is all."

"Mkay," Frank said, and was a little disappointed at the shortness of the conversation. "You know, you can tell me stuff if you want to. I'm not gonna judge you, I just feel like I'm missing a big piece of the picture, if you know what i mean."

"Yeah, i do know what you mean, Frank. Maybe one day, but I'm not ready right now."

"Alright," Frank said, and left the room, leaving Gerard to contemplate in silence.

-

About a week later, Frank was feeling dirty, and not in a good way. His leg was hurting less and less lately, and he was due to get his cast taken off in two weeks time. He was itching to have it removed, not actually having his leg free in about two months now, and he was gradually easing himself off of the pain medication until he no longer took any. 

Ray was out of town on business, and Frank needed to have a shower. But this didn't deter him, he was sure that he could do it himself now, he could put his leg down to balance when he was standing, he just couldn't put pressure on it to walk, but that wasn't necessary. 

Gerard was home, doing God knows what, Frank didn't really know. After living together for so long now, they no longer felt the need to be around each other all the time, it was a comfortable silence, the kind of comfort in knowing that you're not alone, but being able to go about your day like any other.

Frank got a garbage bag from underneath the kitchen sink, and then went into his bedroom to get a clean set of clothes. Once he got everything he needed, he stumbled into the bathroom, closing the door, and leaning the crutches against the wall before he got undressed. Sitting on the closed toilet lid, he put the garbage bag over the cast, making sure to tie it tightly at the top, before putting a towel on ground by the shower and sitting on the ledge of the tub. He swung his legs over and stood up, successful in his plan so far. 

It was a great feeling, the combination of the hot water, and independence after so long of having to be taken care of. He gripped the bar on the side of wall of the shower for balance as he washed his body, taking his time and bathing in his renewed freedom. 

He squeezed the shampoo right onto his head and scrubbed his hair, tilting his head back and feeling the water wash it off, pouring off his face and down his chin, the droplets sticking to his eyelashes. 

After finally feeling like he was clean, and being tired from standing so long after being relatively immobile lately, he turned the water off, and reached to pull back the shower curtain, when he leaned back a little too much and his hand slipped from the bar. He fell backwards, his hands instinctively grabbing out in front of him to catch himself, but there was nothing there, and with only one foot to stand on, his head collided with the faucet, making a loud, hollow kind of sound.

He noticed the shower head, what looked like miles above him, slowly dripping single droplets onto his face, as the pain in the back of his skull eventually blossomed and his vision blurred into darkness.

-

Frank couldn't see anything, and he couldn't really hear anything for that matter either, but he could feel a gentle swaying. A warmth all over his body, a warm feeling almost as if he was floating in the air, gently travelling through time and space, not belonging to a body, just a soul floating out into nothingness. No pain, no sight, no sounds, not really any stimuli at all. Maybe this is what it feels like to die. If it is, then he wouldn't be scared, because this felt peaceful. Safe.

But no, soon he realized that he couldn't be dead, because he could feel breath, and hands, and he was slowly starting to regain feeling in his body, the dull thudding of his head creeping to the forefront of his conscience, and after what seemed like an eternity, his eyes lazily cracked themselves open, resting upon the blurry image of the least person Frank would want himself to find in the situation. Gerard.

All of a sudden, the warmth disappeared and the movement stopped, and he was stationary, looking dumbly up at Gerard who gazed back at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something, anything, before deciding if he needed to call 911 for brain damage or something. Smoking the back of your head on a metal faucet could do that to you, you know.

"What happened?" Frank asked, obviously still out of it a little, and Gerard sat sympathetically on the edge of his bed, with one hand on the other side of Frank, looking at him in a concerned manner.

"You fell in the shower Frank, you know you should have gotten Ray to help you, you know," he said in a calm tone.

Frank sighed, out of embarrassment, out of frustration, and out of... almost anger. He just wanted to be able to live his life again. This fucking broken leg ruined everything for him. He couldn't work, he could barely walk or even take care of himself, now he couldn't even be trusted in the shower without hurting himself. He wanted to be able to live again. To walk, and run, and cook, and clean his room, and go to the mall, and go on a date, and have sex. Especially have sex.

"I just wanted to do it by myself," he said, almost sounding childish. But it was true.

"I know," Gerard said, and reverted his gaze to somewhere else in the room, the wall, the lamp, just anywhere else, because gazing into Frank's eyes would be a little too much right now.

Frank was left with a few seconds of silence, and in those few seconds, he realized something extremely important. How he didn't realize this earlier evaded him.

He was not wearing any clothing! Granted, Gerard had the decency to drape Frank's body with a towel, but still. Frank felt his naked ass on his bed, the towel laying on top of him, reaching from about his mid chest to mid thighs.

A blush creeped onto his cheeks at the realization, and out of a lack of better vocabulary after his unfortunate head injury, he simply said, "I'm naked."

Gerard smiled. "I know. Sorry, but I couldn't just leave you there."

Frank nodded. "I guess." Externally, he seemed calm, nonchalant even. But on the inside, he was screaming GERARD SAW MY DICK ABORT MISSION ABOUT MISSION, JUMP OFF A CLIFF IMMEDIATELY.

"I was sitting in the kitchen and i heard this really bad 'thunk' kind of sound, and then just silence. I waited a couple minutes, but i didn't hear anything so, i went in and yeah, you were unconscious," Gerard reminisced about the events of about ten minutes ago.

"Yeah, I gathered that," Frank told him.

"Well, i'll leave you to get dressed then," Gerard said, and got up to leave before Frank stopped him.

"Can you get my clothes from the bathroom?" He asked reluctantly. The last thing he wanted was Gerard having to do more things for him, but he wasn't really in the position to do anything about that right now. 

"Mhmm," Gerard told him, and left the room, returning only seconds later.

He returned to Frank's side of the bed, sitting down and placing the pile of clothes on Frank's chest, just looking at him for a few seconds. His and Frank's eyes were locked, and Gerard reached down and brushed Frank's long hair out of his face. His hair was about as long as Gerard's, not having been cut for way too long.

"I should probably get dressed," Frank said in a quiet tone, now not really wanting Gerard to leave, he just felt like he had to say it. It reminded him of those cheesy romcoms where the guy walks the girl home, and says that he better get going, before she just so happens to invite him inside, and they have sex on scattered rose petals in front of the fireplace or something. 

"Yeah," Gerard said, but didn't move.

Frank didn't know why he did it, probably the combination of a recent head injury, being currently naked under a thin wet towel, not having had sex with anyone in about four months, and also his secret underlying attraction for Gerard, who was sitting awfully close to him on the bed, he slowly leaned forward while keeping his eyes locked with the man in front of him, growing only closer and closer, and soon Gerard realized what he was about to do, his eyes only widening the closer Frank got, not even moving a muscle in his body as Frank got imminently closer and closer to his face, the towel falling down just a little bit exposing his stomach.

Frank's lips finally made contact with Gerard's, and it was like a spark in gasoline, the contact of Gerard's lips on his spread and ignited the rest of his body. He felt the warmth and the fire seep slowly into his core and burn out into every extremity, every nerve, causing his fingertips to tingle and his lips, the source of the fire, to move and dance like the open flames that they were, seeming so hot that he almost didn't feel his lips at all anymore, and after Gerard got over the initial shock of Frank's sudden move, he gave in to his wants, moving only closer into Frank and allowing himself to finally feel his skin, and taste his mouth that he'd been wondering about for so long.

Gerard's mouth was heavenly, it was soft and warm and strong in all the right ways, and Frank utterly gave into it, allowing Gerard to take over and guide him how he wanted. He lay back onto the pillow and felt Gerard's soft t-shirt against his bare chest, his tongue in between his lips, moving at just the right pace. Gerard wanted to feel every inch of Frank's mouth, to kiss and taste every part that Frank offered, but just this right now was enough for him.

But Frank wanted more. He innocently guided his hands up to Gerard's back, feeling the lean muscles over his shirt and gripping at his shoulder blades while Gerard began to suck on his tongue, before letting Frank have more control, opening his lips more for Frank and letting him explore.

Frank couldn't help it, he wanted, needed, to feel as much of Gerard's skin as he could, so he ran his hands down Gerard's back to the hem of his shirt and slid his hands up underneath of it, wanting to feel the detailed muscles and smooth ridges of his spine.

But what he was not expecting, was his fingertips to brush over harsh ridges, rough lines and well healed lacerations spreading over his back, in an uneven pattern, causing Gerard to pull away suddenly, jumping at the contact Frank's fingers made to this area.

Frank's eyes widened at what he felt. Maybe he wasn't supposed to know about this, but it was too late now, he knew. He didn't just know, he felt it. He didn't know what it was, he couldn't begin to fathom why Gerard's back would be so torn and scarred, and it scared him.

"Gerard?" He asked, wanting an explanation. Could he have...? No, he didn't even want to think about that. Images of belts and whips and other torturous things entered his mind. What else would make wounds like that, that covered Gerard's back in huge scars? His eyes burned with the threat of tears as Gerard refused to look at him, slowly rising and pulling away from Frank, his face donning a pained expression.

"Just get dressed," he told him quietly, and walked the length of the room.

"Gerard, wait. What was that?" Frank asked, the concern clear in his voice.

Gerard stood at the door. "Nothing," he told him without meeting Frank's intense stare, and left the room, closing the door behind him.

-


	4. Chapter 4

It became awkward between Frank and Gerard in the apartment, Frank had no where to go, and all Gerard could do was wait to hear back from the jobs that he applied to. Neither of them spoke about the kiss, or what happened after.

It's not like Frank didn't want to know, in fact he was practically overflowing with questions, but judging by Gerard's reaction, he knew he couldn't ask. 

He restored to hanging out with Ray more than he used to, now going over to Ray's house when he picked him up in his old blue truck. They didn't necessarily do anything different at Ray's house than they would have done at Frank's, but he just had to get away. It was obvious that Gerard had no friends that he could escape to, so Frank left the apartment almost every day now, just to avoid sitting on the same couch as him. He didn't trust that he could use self-control. 

To ask questions, or kiss Gerard again, he didn't know, he just knew that he would do something wrong. Gerard didn't dote after him anymore, and Frank was glad and disappointed at the same time. He couldn't help but feel like all this was his fault, yet Gerard was the one to kiss him, not the other way around. He couldn't help himself from saying something about what he felt- the obvious scarring on Gerard's back. Maybe he was a douche for making a big deal about it, but in his defence that isn't necessarily something that you stumble upon everyday. He felt like he deserved an explanation. For the injury, and for Gerard's cold reaction.

It was just after dinner that Ray dropped Frank off at home. Frank only used one crutch now, his appointment to get the cast off was any day now, and he waved to Ray as he shut the truck door, walking across the street and into the apartment, taking the elevator up to his floor and walking in, finding Gerard on the phone.

"Yes. Yes, thank you so much. I'll be there. Thanks again," he said, and Frank saw his smile in the first time in weeks. He chose to pretend like he didn't hear him on the phone at all, and walked right past him into the kitchen, putting some left over pasta in the fridge.

Gerard walked up to the counter and sat down on one of the stools, watching Frank get a glass of water silently, just observing him. He didn't look sad or happy, just expectant.

"What?" Frank finally asked, as it seemed like Gerard would never speak.

"That was the art gallery that I applied to, to be a tour guide. I got the job," he told Gerard with a faint smile. 

"That's great," Frank said, but his fake tone was thinly veiled.

"You're not happy for me?" Gerard asked.

"I mean you're doing what you should have been doing already, so I guess. Whatever," he said, and left the room as quickly as he could passing his comment off as nonchalantly as he could despite the harshness of the words.

To his dismay, Gerard followed him into his bedroom.

"Frank, what's the matter? This is what you wanted me to do since i got here. I got a job so that I could help you, and you aren't even happy about that at all?" He asked Frank, standing intimidatingly in the doorway.

Frank took a moment to process what he just said, his face contorting with the millions of things he wanted to say flying through his head. "Gerard, what are you even talking about?! You're not doing this for me, you're not getting a job to help ME, I said that you had to get a job if you wanted to live here, to pay bills. I don't know where you got the idea that you where forced to stay here to support me, because you're not at all. I'm LETTING you stay here, i let you stay here for a month for free because you were trying to find a job and you were desperate for a place to stay. And i don't know what's going on between us, but it doesn't mean that i have to be so fucking happy for you and throw you a party for growing up and acting like a fucking adult. So congrats, you got a job. I'll get one too when i can actually fucking walk again, and we can both move on with our lives."

Immediately after he said it, he regretted it. Gerard stared at him, with a blank expression. Frank grew more scared with every passing second in silence, and he knew that he went too far. He was about to say sorry, even if he felt like Gerard deserved what he'd said, when Gerard spoke up.

"You know, Frank," he said in a quiet, even voice. "Just because someone doesn't spill their entire life story to you the first second that you meet, doesn't mean that they aren't worth your time. I'm sorry that you're so fucking immature that you write someone off the minute that you don't get what you want from them. That's honestly pretty sad, and I'm starting to think that you really aren't who I thought you were. You're just an entitled, spoiled little brat."

That was it. Frank fucking lost it.

"What the fuck are you talking about!? You don't even KNOW me! We met like a month ago after you texted me out of the blue from the stupid ad. Am i missing something here? Did we go to high school together and I never noticed you because you were the cliche nerdy kid who had a crush on me, and now you tracked me down ten years later to finally have a shot with me? Because that's the only scenario i can think of that makes sense and I know it's not true, so what the fuck's going on??"

"I don't know you." Gerard stated. "I really don't know you," he said, with tears forming in his eyes.

"Exactly, finally you can fucking get it right," Frank said, with a stole cold expression.

Gerard turned out of the doorway and went into his bedroom, closing the door behind him, and not coming out for a long time.

-

It was three days.

Three days of Gerard sitting in his room. The lights weren't on. The curtains were closed, and Frank didn't know what was going on. Gerard was the most confusing person that he had ever met, he told himself for only the thousandth time in the month.

As far as he knew, he hadn't come out for food or water, unless he did it in the middle of the night, but Frank couldn't care less.

He sat at the kitchen table, a stale piece of toast in front of him, untouched, and he stared blankly at the wall opposite of him. He knew a small part of him that he'd tried to shove down into the deepest darkest part of his heart cared about Gerard's wellbeing. He hated this part of himself, because he was extremely good at being mad. He was the type of person to have a bad temper, and he held on to grudges longer than anyone else he knew. He held on to grudges for years. And he was still furious, but that tiny little shred of compassion, or whatever it was, nagged and pulled at him to go talk to Gerard. This tiny little part of him made Frank want to smash his own head through a wall, but as he lay in bed at night, this little voice in his head spouted off concerns for Gerard. What was he doing? Was he crying? Was he hurting himself? What was he thinking? And even though it made Frank truly hate himself, he got up, the scraping of the legs of the chair against the floor was a harsh, loud sound in the eerily quiet apartment, he trudged down the hallway to the blank white door of Gerard's room.

He stood outside of it for a long time. Listening, contemplating. But some part of him knew that he had to go in there. He wasn't as immature as Gerard said he was, or so he thought.

He knocked on the door, once, twice, three times. Eventually, he heard a faint 'come in'.

He pushed the door open slowly, looking into the shadowy room, the only light trying to pour in from the window, was dulled because of the thick, dark curtain.

Gerard was curled up in his bed, Frank could just vaguely make out his head and inky hair splayed out against the pillow. He turned on the light.

Gerard's face was for a lack of a better word: miserable.

His eyeliner was streaked down his face, smudged off to the left side as if he wiped his face that way when it was wet with tears. He said nothing, just looked up at Frank with an extremely loathing expression, his eyes void of emotion.

Frank hesitantly went over to the bed and sat down on the edge like Gerard had done with him many times before. Yet, this situation was vastly different.

Frank sighed. "Are you gonna get up any time soon?"

Gerard glared at him. Maybe starting off that way wasn't a good idea. "No," Gerard said.

"You have to get up. You have to eat something. And you have work on Monday. You wouldn't wanna miss that"

"I don't care about it anymore," Gerard told him.

Frank was getting annoyed now. "Look, I'm sorry for what I said, okay? I was just frustrated. You're a really hard person to get to know. And being friends with someone is all about reciprocation. And it's not with us. At all."

"You know, I want to tell you stuff. I know that it would make things easier. Maybe even then, we..." he broke off. "But there's some stuff that I just can't tell you. And it's not personal. I haven't told anyone."

Frank played with the corner of the duvet. "You don't have to tell me everything. Just give me something."

"Why do you need to have something though? Why can't you just be content with what you know?"

"Because i know nothing, Gerard. I know nothing. And i wanna know more about you."

"I just can't. I really can't."

"So what then? We just continue to live together being strangers? If that's really what you want to do then fine, I guess i don't really have any say in it. That's just disappointing," he said, biting his lip and not meeting Gerard's eyes.

"Life is disappointing."

"That's all you're gonna say? That's what you're leaving this with? We were doing really well. You kissed me, if you recall. What happened to all that?"

"You happened to that. You need to know more and that's just something that I can't do, so that's it. I'll go to work, and come home, and stay away from you, and that's it."

"Why are you even living here then? If it's so torturous for you to even be around me, then why don't you find another apartment? I'm sure it's not that hard."

Gerard snapped his eyes up to Frank's. "Because I care about you!" he said, his face angry.

"Oh?" he asked.

"Do you care about me?"

Frank didn't know what to say. Of course he cared about Gerard, no matter how much he didn't want himself to. He felt a strong and immediate attraction to Gerard, not only physically but emotionally. He felt indescribably drawn to him. He wanted to be with him, in every sense of the phrase, but actually doing that was so much more difficult than it seemed. 

Frank looked away. "As much as I don't want to sometimes, yes, I do."

Gerard smiled internally. It was an immense relief, if Frank said no, that he had no feelings for Gerard, he didn't know what he would have done. It felt as if it was the most vital thing in his existence.

Gerard just nodded.

"Can we just forget about everything for a while? Just for a minute?" he asked Gerard. He needed this. He was emotionally exhausted because of this, and he just needed him. After weeks of them ignoring each other, he desperately wanted it to go back to how it was before everything had been said, or not said, in Gerard's case.

"Mhmm," Gerard nodded, and before he knew what was happening, Frank leant down and held his sad, tear streaked face in his hands, meeting their lips together. It lacked the fire and passion that was present last time, now more slow and comforting, like the embrace that they both desperately needed.

Frank bought his legs up onto the bed and laid on his side, gently kissing Gerard, just soaking in the feeling of his soft lips moving up against his own. 

Gerard tilted his head to the other side of Frank's nose, their lips making a gentle little sucking noise in the quiet room, but they barely noticed as Gerard's hand came up to cup Frank's jaw, and he tried to not let the tears spill over, as he desperately wanted to explain everything, because as much as he tried to make it seem like this all had nothing to do with Frank, it really did, and he couldn't explain no matter how much it hurt him to see Frank kissing him back with a desperate sort of urgency, as if the truth that Gerard withheld was right on the tip of his tongue, ready for Frank to discover if he just kissed hard enough.


	5. Chapter 5

Things in the house were calmer after Gerard and Frank had their discussion. Granted, nothing was really solved, but for some reason the tensions were eased and Frank was more willing to tolerate Gerard in a less hateful manner.

Time away from him also helped, as Gerard worked from 9-5 four days a week now, and that left them with a healthy amount of separation. It would be good for Gerard to spend time with anyone other than Frank, as they had only been around each other for way too long.

Like usual, that morning Gerard showered and got ready, leaving for work around 8:30, and Frank heard him shut the front door behind him, as he rolled over in bed and tried to go back to sleep.

But it didn't work, he was up now, so he flung the covers off and went into the kitchen, making some coffee to wake himself up more.

Out of habit, he checked his phone, and he had a reminder set. Today was the day that he was getting the cast off! He smiled, thankful that he could get rid of this heavy piece of shit, because even though he's still have to use crutches for a while, he wouldn't have to lug around the heavy cast.

He took his mug of coffee, and went back down the hall to go into his own room, when he passed Gerard's room. For some reason he stopped and backed up a little bit, peering in the open door. He was really curious what Gerard was hiding, what he couldn't tell him, and even though he knew that the answer probably wouldn't lie in Gerard's bedroom, for some reason he really felt the need to go in. 

He slowly edged into the room, as if Gerard was going to walk down the hall any minute, but he knew that that would not happen. Gerard was at work and Frank could do whatever he wanted without him here.

Frank couldn't help but feel guilty, even though he was simply standing in the center of Gerard's room, questioning his morals. Should he look through his stuff, or respect his privacy and turn around, pretending he was never even in here in the first place?

Like a child, his curiosity got the best of him, and he set his coffee down on the bed side table, wondering where to look.

Gerard's bed was unmade, the covers all rumpled around, and it was obvious that there was nothing in there.

He pulled open the drawers of the bed side table, but they were both empty.

He then went to the closet, the only place in the room that seemed to have any belongings of Gerard's.

He carefully rifled through the small stacks of folded clothes, finding nothing out of the ordinary, until halfway through the shirts he found something. A red shirt that he had never seen Gerard wear before, and that seemed all too familiar. He pulled it out and unfolded it, looking it over. It was an old band t-shirt, one that he got when he was a teenager. He wore that thing so much that there were rips around the neck hole, and the logo was almost all peeled off. He still wore it around the house on the odd occasion, but it was not something that he would notice was gone if it went missing.

And here it sat in Gerard's closet, sitting innocently with the rest of his clothes. Frank brought it to his face, smelling it. It didn't smell fresh. Not that it smelled bad, but it didn't smell like it had just come out of the dryer, which would be the most logical explanation. Gerard would have been taking his clothes out of the dryer, taking one of Frank's shirts by mistake.

But this shirt didn't smell or look fresh, it was wrinkled and there was a little stain on the bottom of it that Frank could remember was from tomato soup like a month ago. So that must mean, that Gerard went into his room, and took the shirt off of the floor, where all of Frank's dirty laundry resided.

He couldn't understand why, or even if he had the story right. It wasn't necessarily that big of deal, but it was just weird. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. Maybe it got there completely by accident, and Frank was making up a whole big story to make it seem like Gerard was doing something he shouldn't have.

After thinking about this for far too long, he concluded that he had to fold the shirt back up and put it back in the stack of clothes, he didn't want to risk Gerard noticing it was missing, because then he would know that Frank was snooping.

He tucked it in between the black shirt and the blue shirt, where it was to begin with, and he grabbed his coffee, going down the hall and into the safety of his own room, before he found anything else that would add onto the pile questions that Frank had about Gerard in his head.

-

Frank sat in his room, his laptop abandoned, and he merely sat on his bed clutching his now cold mug of coffee, and stared at the window showing the grey and cloudy day in Jersey. He felt as if he had a million thoughts flying through his head. Mostly thoughts about Gerard, but he didn't even know that. It was just a blurred mess of things, he almost felt drained with the crushing weight of all of them.

You can't just kiss somebody, you can't just treat somebody the way Gerard treated him, and then turn around and pretend like it meant nothing. Like it was a mistake, or it was all ruined now because of some stupid argument. It was slowly tearing Frank apart piece by piece to see Gerard everyday, and not be able to talk to him how they used to talk to each other. Gerard being all shy and naive, listening to whatever Frank had to say. Now he was just cold. Frank didn't think that he necessarily did anything wrong, but in Gerard's eyes, he must have for this dramatic change in attitude.

Frank wanted the Gerard back that would look out for him, and lay him down gently on his bed and glance at his lips as if he wanted to kiss him every minute at the day. Now it was just awkward eye contact and aching hearts. Gerard didn't have a loving aura anymore, the sparkle from his eyes was gone, as if finally living in the adult world put out his flames.

It was a sad thought, that Gerard was happy in whatever fake world he was living in, because you could see in his face that this childish joy was dead, snuffed out by the weight of reality.

Frank felt like it was almost too much for him to contain in his head, as if he needed a release from the toxic thoughts that were plaguing his brain, that he wasn't good enough for Gerard, or now that Gerard actually got to see what he was really like, he decided that he didn't like him anymore, if he ever really liked him in the first place. It sure seemed like he did, or maybe that was just Frank's twisted perspective of everything, maybe he was just in the right place at the right time, and Gerard just needed someone to kiss but it didn't mean there was necessarily anything special about him.

He knew that was for sure. There wasn't anything special about him. Jamia sure didn't think so, she didn't even bother to tell him that she was moving on, and Frank found out after the fact, leaving his heart to shatter from the perfect image of them that he had in his mind, apparently that was all a figment of his imagination. It's funny how two people can see the exact same situation so differently. He thought he was in love, but maybe not. He didn't miss her, he just felt empty.

When Gerard kissed him, he didn't feel empty, but he guessed that was just too good to be true. He'd have to get used of the idea of that never happening again, by the way that it looked.

Frank felt like he needed a release from this all more than ever, and opposed to turning to a more harmful way to get his emotions out- or rather numb them out completely, he reached for his notebook in his bed side table, and flipped it open to a new page.

He usually wrote poetry in here when he was feeling something really strongly. Whether it was anger, sadness, or love, it filled the old leather notebook that he had since he was a teenager, the earliest entries all unrequited love and angsty verses. The further in you flipped, the angrier they got, but Frank assumed that this was a better way of dealing with his emotions than taking it out on real people, or himself.

He wrote six lines on the blank page, and they looked out of place all by themselves, but it was all that he wanted to say in that moment of time. 

Hell-bent on slipping away / I felt you slowly turn away / My thoughts go black it breaks my heart / I ignore your taps on windows still / I've become attached to where I fell / It's true, there's room for you.

He heard a knock on the front door suddenly, and he was jarred out of his thoughts. He sprang out of bed and answered the door, realizing that it was Ray.

"Hey, ready for your appointment?" he asked, making his way into the apartment and sitting on the worn couch.

"Yeah, excited to get this thing off," he told him honestly, and went about the apartment, getting the things he needed. Jacket, wallet, phone, crutch, ready to go.

They both went down to the main floor, getting into Ray's truck and driving across town to the medical clinic.

"So how's living with your roommate going?" He asked Frank innocently.

Frank groaned inwardly at the question. "I don't know, it's going okay. He got a job."

"That's good. Took him a while."

"Yeah, no shit. I don't know, it's kind of weird between us. I don't want it to be, but he's just kind of hard to get along with. He was acting all nice, and then all of a sudden it changed. I said some things and now I'm pretty sure he hates me. He acts all sad now, i don't really know what to do. And we're both stuck there now..."

"What did you say to him?"

Frank sighed. "It's complicated. But it was about his past. I wasn't trying to be nosey, he's just really protective of everything, I felt like i didn't know him at all. And he was learning a lot about me, I just wanted it to be a two way street, you know?"

"Yeah for sure. I don't know what to say man, just give it time i guess. Hopefully he'll come around eventually."

Frank just nodded, and proceeded to stare out the window as they continued the rest of their journey. Ray turned the radio up, and Frank looked away when they passed the intersection where he got hit.

_

The appointment took a long time, but Frank was finally free of the cast, being able to bend his leg properly in nearly two months. It felt fantastic. He still had to use the crutches for long distances, but he could limp around his apartment, and even though it hurt, it felt great.

Ray dropped him off at home, and they chatted for a bit before Frank went into the building.

"So we haven't actually been able to go out and do something for a long time, do you wanna go out to the bar tonight?" Ray asked, with an excited look in his eyes.

Frank smiled, looking forward to actually get out of the house and do something normal in his life. "Yeah, that sounds like fun. But.. I probably have to ask Gerard to come, to not be a complete dick, you know."

"Whatever, fine by me," Ray told him, and Frank got out of the car. 

"I'll meet you there, since i can DRIVE NOW," Frank said happily, and Ray just smiled for him, happy to see Frank in a good mood after so much gloominess.

Frank's left leg was the one that was injured, but he couldn't bend his knee because of the cast. Now that he could, he felt like a new man, and he smiled to himself as he went up to his apartment, having a normal shower after so long.

Yes, he knew his showering track record was not very good, but he was an adult, he had to do it by himself sometime, and it turned out to be fine.

He was in his bedroom, getting dressed, wet hair hanging in his face as he pulled his pants on, the skinniest jeans he owned, now that he was able to wear them after so long, when he heard Gerard come home.

He listened carefully, and heard the jangle of the keys hitting the table, and the soft footsteps down the hallway, disappearing as he entered his room.

Frank took one last look in the mirror before he left his room, deciding that he looked the best that he had in the past month. Yes, he'd gained a few pounds from almost two months of sitting around, but it was nothing that he couldn't work off in a months time, at most. He wasn't too concerned, he was just happy to finally have more freedom, he realized how much freedom he had when it was taken away from him, the lesson that everyone learns when they injure something. You never realize how much you take advantage of your body working perfectly, until you break it.

Frank hovered in the doorway of Gerard's room, watching him for a second as he took off his jacket.

"Hey," he said, as it was the first time that they were talking that day.

Gerard looked up suddenly, engrossed in what he was doing before. "Hi," he said, not really having a lot he could talk to Frank about as of recent. He noticed there was something different about Frank, standing casually in doorway. He subtly scanned his body with his eyes, or what he thought was subtly, but Frank definitely noticed, fighting off the smirk that was pulling at the corners of his mouth. It was the skinny jeans, he knew it.

It was then that Gerard realized, the cast! It was gone. "You got your cast taken off," he pointed out.

"Yeah, finally," Frank said. "So, me and Ray were gonna go out to the bar tonight, just to get out. Do you wanna come?"

He knew that he told Ray he would have to ask him simply out of courtesy, but he secretly really wanted Gerard to come. Maybe it wouldn't be so awkward between them if they were in a social setting.

Gerard seemed to think about this for a long time, just standing there in the middle of the room, contemplating if this was a good idea or not.

"Well, I would, but i don't really have an ID," he told Frank, scared if this information would start another fight between them. He didn't have any answers for Frank, or at least any that he could tell him.

"You don't have an ID," Frank stated.

Gerard didn't say anything. He was waiting for the slew of questions, but for some reason there wasn't any. Frank was going to try to be mature. He knew that he wouldn't get anything out of Gerard no matter how hard he tried, he knew it would just drive Gerard into his bedroom to sulk forever, no matter how much he was dying to know what this was all about, he decided to deal with it as if it wasn't weird at all.

"Okay, well... We could just sneak you in the back. They don't necessarily have the best security there, I used to do it all the time when I was a teenager."

Gerard weighed this offer. "Okay, if you think it's a good idea," he gave in. 

"Yeah, i used to do stuff like that all the time and nothing happened, so you'll be good," he told him, and left Gerard to change out of his work uniform, going to make some supper.

_

They'd been at the bar for a couple hours. Sneaking Gerard in was super easy, they just walked right in the backdoor and sat at a table, pretending they were there the whole time. Nobody noticed in the dark, busy room.

Ray and Frank were on their second drink, taking it easy since they both had to drive home. This was probably all that Frank was going to drink tonight, he knew his limits, and he knew that after the second drink he probably shouldn't drive.

But Gerard didn't have to drive home, and he was on his third rum and Coke, and Frank could tell that he was starting to get tipsy. He didn't stop him, he wasn't driving so there was no reason he had to, and honestly, it was kind of funny. Gerard was smiling and laughing for the first time in what felt like forever. He and Ray were joking around, and Gerard ordered another drink, making a snorting noise at a story that Ray was telling. Frank kind of drifted in and out of attention, focusing more on Gerard sitting across from him rather than Ray's story. Gerard looked really good under the dim lights, and his smile seemed brighter than any of the shitty lights in the room. Gerard did this thing where he lifted his drink to his mouth and tried to get the straw in, chasing it around the rim of the glass with his tongue, and Frank started laughing so hard he had to get up and go to the washroom before he peed himself.

He walked across the room to where the bathrooms were, almost making it to the door when he saw this girl who was walking to the women's bathroom at the same time as him, twist her ankle from her obnoxiously high heels, and fall to the ground in a way that looked really painful. Frank winced, and rushed over to help her up. She looked like a mess, long hair tangled, and makeup smudged, he didn't understand how her short sequin dress didn't ride all the way up as she fell, but he was thankful that she didn't embarrass herself that badly.

"Thanks," She told him as she took his hand and let herself be helped up by him. She stumbled a bit as she stood up, obviously a little more than tipsy, and Frank reached out and held her shoulders to balance her. 

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" A loud, rough voice asked, and Frank looked over to see a tall, overly muscly Jersey guy walk over to them, glaring at Frank with murdery eyes.

"Um, I was just helping her up, she needed some help," he explained, letting her go, but the guy didn't let Frank off so easily.

"Did she ask for your help, fuckwad?! Don't touch my girlfriend!" He snarled, stepping right up to Frank and her, Frank sinking backwards, and the girl happily oblivious to the danger that he seemed to be in, she was looking around, off in her drunk little world.

"Sorry dude, but I was just helping her out. You don't need to threaten me, when I was just helping her up. Like, didn't look like anyone else was going to." he tried to explain.

And that was Frank's mistake. He should have apologized profusely to the trashy GTL muscle-head, but instead he lipped him off, forgetting how easily it was to get beaten up in a place like this, and before he knew what was happening, he was being shoved roughly into the bathroom directly behind him, and he got he breath knocked out of him as the guy slammed him up against a stall door.

He looked up at the guy with fear into his eyes now, as this was a little too real, and he was left with the crazy eyes of a drunken guy in a rage, with an opportunity to beat some short guy up that was too good to miss.

"This'll teach you a lesson to stay away from other people's girlfriends, huh?" He asked, and in that moment, Frank didn't really know what he was going to do but it was going to be bad.

He braced himself for whatever was coming, the guy's hand bunched up in the front of Frank's shirt, holding him in place, when someone burst through the door.

At first, Frank couldn't see who it was, because the guy's big body was blocking the view of the doorway, but he recognized the voice.

"Hey, let him go!" A voice Frank recognized as Gerard's said, and the guy did let him go, if only to focus his attention on the guy that dared get in the middle of this.

"What's it to you? You know him?" The guy asked, and Gerard walked over to stand beside Frank. Frank knew that Gerard definitely could not take this guy- Gerard may be a few inches taller than him, but this guy could knock them both out in seconds.

"Yeah, fuck off, he didn't do anything to you," Gerard said bravely, the alcohol in his system making him fearless. Frank wished he wasn't, he was only gonna make this worse.

"Yeah, he did, and it seems like both of you need to be taught a lesson on how to mind your own fucking business!" he yelled, and grabbed Frank's shoulder, ready to reach back and punch him, when Gerard opened his mouth again.

"I said, step away from Frank. Leave the bar. And don't come back," Gerard said in an extremely firm and confident tone, and Frank was absolutely sure that Gerard was the one that was going to get the shit kicked out of him instead of himself.

And just when he was sure that the guy was going to erupt in rage and beat the shit out of both of them, he simply looked at Gerard with a glazed-over expression, his grip on Frank's shirt slowly loosening, before he turned around and left the bathroom, the door swinging shut behind him.

Frank was left in a state of pure shock. WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

He turned to Gerard with an extremely questioning stare, and he said the only thing that was running through his mind. "What the fuck was that about?!"

"What? I just asked him to leave. He had to leave," Gerard told him calmly, before stepping in front of him where the asshole once stood.

"But Gerard, that was so weird! How did you just make him leave?" He begged.

"I don't know, Frankie, don't worry about that right now. I don't even want to think about that anymore," he said, and he stepped forward more and placed his hands on either side of the bathroom stall, boxing Frank in. Frank could smell the booze on his breath, but he wasn't scared around him, he was just scared of what he was going to do.

"How can I not think about that, I was literally just gonna get the shit kicked out of me. How did you even know to come in here anyway?" He asked, still searching for any answers that he could get out of Gerard, which proved just as hard as it was when he was sober.

Gerard laughed. It was a high, drunk kind of giggle, and he leant into Frank, his lips now dangerously close to Frank's ear. "You now what I think about all the time?" he asked, and Frank didn't reply, as this was most likely a rhetorical question. Admittedly, he didn't know the answer though, and he was kind of scared to learn what it was. This night was really scary for Frank, in many different ways to say the least.

"I think about that time that I kissed you when you were naked, you know, before things went wrong," he told him, his lips now ghosting the shell of Frank's ear.

'Went wrong', yeah, that's a nice way to put it, Frank thought. 

He shivered at the hot breath that Gerard was breathing against his ear, just barely feeling his lips drag along this skin there, before the sensation disappeared, and he was met with Gerard's striking eyes face-on, before Gerard slammed their lips together, and Frank was left with nothing to do but kiss back, not like he wouldn't anyways.

He was sure getting slammed against the wall a lot today, but he sure enjoyed this version of it much more.

Gerard's mouth was obscenely wet and hot, his tongue immediately invading Frank's mouth, and pushing their bodies together against the wall.

Frank let him explore his mouth, he even sucked on Gerard's tongue at one point, making Gerard smile and break the kiss, before going back at it even harder, if that were possible.

Before long, Gerard was grinding his crotch into Frank's at a slow and rough pace, making Frank sweat and gasp for air in between their kisses, the alcohol in their systems making them hot, and horny, and like the only thing in the world that mattered was feeling each other, and honestly, Frank would not do anything to stop this. This is what he wanted all along, to forget everything that Gerard was hiding from him and just be with him, the beer that he drank was helping with that, and all of his focus was currently on Gerard's body, and feeling his hair, and sucking and biting on his bottom lip in a way that made Gerard groan, before the door opened one more time, and they reluctantly broke apart.

Ray stood in the open doorway, the noise of the bar past the small room so much louder with the door held open, and he simply stood there with the most shocked looking expression on his face before he finally thought he should say something.

"I was just gonna see what was taking you guys so long but... um never mind. It's last call so I was gonna leave anyways. I'll talk to you tomorrow Frank?" he asked awkwardly. He had no idea that Frank even liked guys, so he was shocked to say the least. Frank always knew that he was into guys a little bit, but he never actually acted on it before. It was always just a 'that actor's hot, I would totally bang him' thing.

"Yeah, sure, I'l talk to you tomorrow," Frank said awkwardly, and Ray left, leaving them alone again. 

As soon as the door was shut, Gerard did not hesitate to capture Frank's mouth again, and Frank slid right back into it, welcoming it, drinking in the feeling.

"You wanna go home?" Gerard asked seductively after breaking the kiss, or as seductively as he could while also slurring a little, and Frank just nodded.


	6. Chapter 6

Frank's head fucking hurt. 

A stabbing, throbbing pain was the only thing that invaded his consciousness, the only thing anchoring him down to earth in his floaty, dreamlike state. 

Slowly, he opened his eyes, like cracking open an ancient bottle of liquor, and he was met with the blinding white of a sunny room, his own familiar black walls a faint memory to him. The first thought that crawled through his brain was 'fuck, my head hurts'. The second was 'Where am I?'.

He took in his surroundings a little more, now that the fog of sleep had faded away and he was somewhat present in the real world. He was laying in a bed- a white bed, the covers were messy and twisted around him haphazardly, as if it were a second thought, and he felt incredibly uncomfortable in this place, wherever it was. 

He sat up very slowly, his headache fading to a throb, and he turned his head, gazing around the room stupidly. It seemed familiar, weirdly familiar.

A rustling noise was heard beside him, and he looked down, over to the other side of the bed, and to his horror, there laid the black haired beauty, not looking so beautiful with his hair sweaty and matted, either drool or puke dried to his face.

All of a sudden, it was as if his body jolted awake, and the breezy silence that once blanketed his brain was filled with a million thoughts, a million questions. 

Frank was in Gerard's bed. What was he doing there? Why did he fall asleep in here? What even happened last night? He remembered the almost-fight in the bathroom, and Gerard's seemingly mysterious abilities in making that guy leave, but then, it was all a blur. He vaguely remembered driving home, and stumbling through the door with Gerard in tow. 

He dropped his head into his hands, almost wanting to claw his face off. He remembered more kissing. Lots more kissing. They almost couldn't even get in the front door because there was so much kissing, and down the hallway, and- 'oh my god', he thought.

Did they have sex last night?!

Gerard made a noise in between a whine and a growl, his hands instinctively moving up to rub at his face even in his half-asleep state. Frank looked down at him worriedly, and before he could think of anything to say, or do, Gerard's eyes slowly opened and he was immediately met with Frank, a concerned expression on his face.

'Frank is in my bed,' was Gerard's first thought. At first it was a plain statement, but then it turned into an exclamation.

His face grew as shocked as Frank's, and he opened his mouth as if to ask something, but couldn't find the right words.

"What happened last night?" Frank asked, in a quiet tone. He was scared Gerard remembered everything perfectly, and he was left with a blur of hazy memories, which wouldn't make sense since Gerard drank much more than him.

"I can't remember," Gerard said, his voice raspy, and he winced as he felt the first effects of a brutal hangover headache. "Fuck," he added, as an afterthought.

Frank was scared to ask the question, the only question that was important here, but he was afraid to ask. "Did we... you know?"

"What?" Gerard asked, his brain not really picking up what Frank was hinting at. He was trying to recall the events of last night, but all he could remember was laughing a lot. Laughing at Ray, and sneaking shared glances with Frank across the table all night, but then Frank disappeared and he didn't remember what came after that.

"Did we have sex?" Frank just asked.

Gerard's eyes widened greatly, and he thought. Did they? He looked at Frank, and the answer came to him after a while. "No, I don't think we did. We're still wearing our clothes."

And Frank pulled the covers back all the way and Gerard was right, his jeans were still on, they were both wearing their clothes from the day before.

"So we just... we just made out then," Frank said, relieved, and ran a hand through his hair.

"We did?" Gerard asked, and sat up, which was a struggle as his whole body was aching, and his head was throbbing, and he felt queasy.

"Yeah, a lot. You don't remember?"

"Um, no. Not really," he admitted, and looked over at Frank. Frank really looked like he was dying, but he assumed he did too. He still looked attractive though, even when his hair was messed up and his shirt was all twisted around, and he had zombie-like circles around his eyes.

Did Gerard really remember nothing from last night? It was believable, he was completely wasted, Frank lost track of how many drinks he had by the end of the night, but he couldn't get his mind off of what he said to that guy in the bathroom. How did he manage to make him leave just like that? Gerard wasn't necessarily that intimidating, and it was almost like a trance went over that guy that made him turn around and exit the bar. If Gerard had something to do with that, could he really do it when he was drunk too? He didn't say anything more to Gerard about it, he was as useless as Frank was with the whole thing, he had his hands over his face and a pained expression, his headache was probably a hundred times worse than Frank's and that was pretty bad.

Frank eventually drug himself out of the messy bed and went down the hallway, his body felt as if he weighed a million pounds, his muscles ached and protested with every step he took. 

He wandered into the kitchen, and filled up a glass with water, he was dying of thirst. To rest his head, and calm the nauseous feeling in his stomach, he sat at the table and quietly drank the water, little sips at a time. He kept replaying the events of last night over and over in his head, hoping to pick up on some little detail that he'd missed, something to give him more information about what happened. He had the fuzziest memory of looking at Gerard out of the corner of his eye when they were on the highway. They had some old song blasting though the speakers, and he was making Gerard laugh by screaming the wrong lyrics the whole ride home. He saw Gerard in the passenger seat, crying laughing, his eyes scrunched up and his perfect little teeth on show. Frank smiled a little at the memory, even though they weren't exactly in a great state of mind when it happened. He wished that he could remember it all perfectly.

After that they arrived at home, and then... all of a sudden his memory skipped to being in their apartment. But what happened in between that? He concentrated hard, wracking his brain for anything else he was missing, he knew there was lots, he was there to experience it himself. 

And then suddenly, he remembered being in the elevator. It was like watching it in a movie, the memory feeling as if he wasn't really there in the first place to experience it, even though he knew that he was. 

Him and Gerard were in the elevator, he remembered Gerard moving his body right up against his, his back against the elevator wall, and feeling the smooth skin up the front of Gerard's shirt.

Gerard was kissing and sucking on his neck, and Frank remembered Gerard grabbing at his hips roughly, bringing them against his own and rolling his hips into him as they neared their floor.

So what happened? He was glad that they didn't have sex. Not like he didn't want to have sex with Gerard, it was just complicated, and he definitely wanted to be sober during it. That was something that he'd want to remember, if it ever did happen.

Frank looked up as Gerard stumbled silently into the kitchen, a bottle of painkillers in hand as he went to the sink to get a glass of water. "I remember now, sort of," he told Frank.

"What?" Frank asked eagerly.

"I remember throwing up almost as soon as we got home," he said, before he drank the glass of water.

"Oh, right," Frank remembered now, kissing him in Gerard's bedroom before he rushed off into the bathroom. Frank waited and waited on the bed, but he must have fell asleep before Gerard came back, and honestly, he was relieved that that had happened. It would have made their situation so much weirder if they ended up having drunk sex.

Which made Frank really think, if what Gerard automatically did when he was drunk was try to sleep with him, then that must mean that he really wanted to when he was sober, and his inhibitions were lowered so he just went for it, right? Because you wouldn't do something you didn't want to when you're wasted, you act how you've really wanted to all along, and most often do things that you regret when you're sober.

So Gerard wanted to sleep with him.

Frank was surprised but at the same time not. Gerard was the one to kiss him first, he initiated everything that ever happened between them, which was only that one kiss if you didn't count everything from last night. Subconsciously, Frank wanted it too, but in reality, he felt like he needed so much more from Gerard if they were to sleep together. He wanted to feel like he could trust him, and right now he didn't completely. 

Frank trusted him to an extent, he trusted that Gerard wouldn't murder him in his sleep or anything, but he was so vague and secretive about his past, that it made Frank not trust him to share that experience with him. He would be giving a part of himself to Gerard, figuratively and literally, if they did have sex, Frank would be losing his virginity in a sense, he'd never had sex with a guy before. He'd never done anything with a guy before, but something about Gerard just seemed right, it seemed natural to him, and he was starting to think that Gerard was his one exception to being straight. He wasn't attracted to any other guys, he'd never had a crush on a guy in his entire life, until the day Gerard moved into his apartment and inhabited his thoughts and dreams.

Calling it a crush seemed so juvenile and immature, although he didn't know what else to call it. It was an infatuation, a deep lust for Gerard that he wanted to satisfy desperately, if he was willing to admit it, but even stronger than the want he had for him, was the need to find out more.

He had never been so desperate for information in his life, but it was past the point of curiosity now, it was a necessity to him, he needed to know more than he needed to breathe, and knowing that Gerard knew everything and was not sharing one tiny detail with Frank when they saw each other everyday, was infuriating to him. He couldn't understand what was so bad that he couldn't share. Was he a criminal? Did he murder somebody? Frank really hoped not, although Gerard didn't seem like that type of person anyway, but he wondered if Gerard even trusted him at all. He must not considering he was still tight lipped, even when he was falling-down drunk.

Gerard wordlessly went back into his bedroom, obviously not feeling up to any long conversation, and Frank let him go without a glance. He didn't know what to say to him now. Did he regret it? Or did he regret that they didn't do it? Frank leant his head against the table, feeling the cold surface press nicely on his forehead, and he sat like that for a while, looking as if he had utterly given up on life, before his phone rang.

It was on the kitchen countertop, and he groaned as he got up to get it, realizing that it was Ray, and sitting down, preparing himself for the loads of embarrassing questions that he was sure this phone call would contain.

"Hey Ray," he said, his voice still quiet as a natural reaction to his hangover.

"Hey buddy, how you feeling?" Ray asked, sounding leaps and bounds more chipper than Frank or Gerard. 

"Ugh, horrible," Frank admitted, smiling a little as he heard Ray laugh.

"Yeah, I bet. I was a little worried about you driving home, but... I couldn't really stick around."

"Sorry about that, I didn't meant to just leave you... I kind of got cornered."

"Trust me, I know all about that, no need to explain."

"No, not that!" Frank said, referring to getting caught kissing Gerard. "Before that, there was this other guy. He thought I was flirting with his girlfriend or something, which i totally wasn't, and cornered me in the bathroom and threatened to beat me up like we're in fucking high school or something."

"And so what, Gerard came to the rescue and swept you off your feet like Prince Charming?"

Frank made an annoyed noise. "No, I didn't even know he was going to do that! It was right out of nowhere, one minute he just told this guy to fuck right off, and he listened after I'd tried that for a good ten minutes. The second Gerard said anything, he turned around and left. It was the weirdest thing."

"Hmm. And then Gerard just kissed you out of nowhere. No warning or anything?"

"Nope. I don't know, last night was messed up. And now it's all weird here..."

"Yeah I bet. Have you talked to him yet?"

"A little, but he's obviously way more hung over than I am. I think I'm just gonna keep my distance, at least for a little while."

"Sounds like a good plan. ...So can I ask you something?" Ray asked hesitantly.

"Sure, what?" Frank asked, getting a little scared now.

"I don't want you to get offended, but are you into guys now? I just don't want to be shocked if we go out again, cause honestly, I couldn't believe it."

"You're asking me if I'm gay? No."

"Okay..." There was a minute of silence.

"Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I really like Gerard, and I ONLY like Gerard, if you get what I mean. Like, I don't know if people can have exceptions, but I think he's mine. Even if nothing happens between us, cause I don't know if that would be a good idea, I can't deny that I like him."

Ray took a while to respond. "I don't know man, I don't know anything about that stuff, but I'd say that if you really like him then just go for it, you'll never know until you try."

Frank chuckled. "Thanks. I don't know if I'm ready for that, but we'll see. I'll keep you updated."

"You better. Kay, talk to you later." Ray said, and hung up.

Frank felt really lucky that he had a friend like Ray to keep him sane, if he had no one else but Gerard, he'd be fucked, literally.

-

Hours later, Frank had struggled to stay up, trying to clean up the house, and eventually had a shower, but he was just too tired. He gave into his body, and decided to have a nap.

He walked down the hallway, with the intentions of going into his room, when he passed Gerard's and thought that he'd just check up on him.

Assuming that he was sleeping, he walked into the doorway, to find Gerard  sitting in bed on his laptop. Actually, Frank's laptop, but they were sharing it now.

Gerard looked up as Frank poked his head into the room, and Frank immediately wished he would have just continued down the hallway without stopping in, he wasn't ready to talk to Gerard about anything, he just wanted to make sure he wasn't throwing up in his sleep or something.

"Wanna watch a movie with me?" Gerard asked, catching Frank by surprise, he didn't think that Gerard would really want to hang out with him after the awkward situation yesterday.

"Um, well I was just gonna go have a nap, I'm pretty tired," Frank tried to explain, and turned to go.

"...Please," Gerard said, and Frank was really shocked by his change of attitude. He never would have expected that Gerard would still want to spend time with him after what went on, it was still kind of weird between them. Or maybe Frank was the only one feeling weird about the almost-sex, he didn't know how Gerard felt about it at all.

Though Gerard must not have been too disturbed by it, as he pulled the covers back on the opposite side of the bed as him, and looked at Frank expectantly.

Frank sighed, weighing if this was a good idea or not. He felt bad just saying no, and ignoring Gerard after last night, it wasn't really either of their faults. Frank was a lot more sober than Gerard was, he was aware of what was going on, and he could have stopped it at any time. But he didn't.

When Gerard was so unguarded and forward with what he wanted, he almost couldn't physically say no, and that same type of feeling washed over at him again as he looked at Gerard  curled up in his bed with the blankets pulled up and the laptop in his lap, looking at Frank with hopeful eyes.

"Okay," Frank gave in, and walked over to the other side of the bed, the one that he slept in last night, and got under the covers, sitting against the headboard like Gerard was, and pulling the sheets and duvet up to his chest to get warm.

Gerard already had the movie loaded, it was some murder mystery, but Frank wasn't really paying that much attention to it.

He tried to watch the movie, but his eyelids were getting heavier and heavier, he was blinking multiple times to try to wake himself up, but it was no use, his body wanted sleep and it wanted it now.

Almost right before he fell asleep entirely, Gerard got the nerve to say something that he'd wanted to say all day.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for last night, Frank," he said, without really looking at him. That sure woke him up quite a bit.

"Sorry for what?" Frank asked. It wasn't really either of their faults.

"For drinking way too much, and... I don't know. Trying to take advantage of you."

Frank scoffed slightly. "You weren't taking advantage of me, I knew what I was doing."

Gerard never really replied, and Frank bit the inside of his lip to shreds wondering if that was the right thing to say. Did that make it seem like he was desperate to have sex with him? Because he wasn't, he was just trying to say that he was going along with it willingly.

Gerard must have not been too disturbed at Frank's comment, as a couple of minutes later, he rested his head on Frank's shoulder and slid down in the bed a little bit to get more comfortable.

At first Frank was surprised and didn't really know what to do, he was sitting as still as he possibly could until he relaxed, and leant into it a bit, realizing that Gerard was going to be there for a while.

As he started to fall asleep again, he leant his head to the side on top of Gerard's, and eventually slung his arm around his waist, before drifting off to sleep, breathing in the scent of his hair, and wishing in the back of his head that they could be like this all along. 

Although he knew that this would not last- they would feel better, and Gerard would go back to work, distancing them as usual, making it easier for Gerard to shut him out.

Knowing that this was inevitable, it had been going on for weeks now, he snuggled into Gerard's side subconsciously, taking advantage of the one opportunity that he'd get to be this close to him for who knows how long.

Without Frank knowing, Gerard smiled, and shut off the movie, rolling onto his side, into Frank, and holding him closer to his chest, and fell asleep trying to ignore the dull pain in his back that never seemed to go away.


	7. Chapter 7

Frank was at home, curled up on the couch, and feeling pathetic that he was so lonely when Gerard went to work. He hated the thought that he missed him, or had become attached to the man in his apartment, and he denied the idea completely as he scrolled though his emails on his phone. Gerard would be home in any time now, and felt almost disappointed in himself that he had pretty much wasted away the day waiting for him to get home. But what else was he supposed to do? 

As he was just beginning to think that he had read all of them, he had a bad habit of leaving his emails unread until they got into the hundreds before he actually went through them, since anyone important would have just texted him any news, he saw one from a couple weeks ago from a music shop that he loved. It was informing him that they just got a new batch of vinyls by his favourite artist. This was extremely important news to Frank, because this vinyl was so rare that it cost into the thousands to get a physical copy online, you could only find the odd forgotten ones in tiny independent music shops scattered around the country, where they were so dusty that no one realized what they had was gold. 

Frank's heart raced as he read the details, it said that they only had two hundred copies, and this email was pretty old, they were probably sold out, right? He quickly sent a text to the shop owner, he was friendly with him, and used to talk to him about guitar stuff when he used to play regularly. After he started law school, that hobby got shelved, and he hadn't played in years. Sometimes he saw the guitar case in the back of his closet and felt like he should take it out for old times sake, but something in the back of his mind was scared that he wouldn't be any good anymore, so he never did.

But his enthusiasm for music had not died, he awaited the shop owner's response eagerly, praying that he still had at least one copy, and his heart did a somersault as he saw the reply pop up.

'Yep, got two left. Thought you'd be in here on the first day to pick one up!!'

Frank rolled his eyes. If he would have known he would have been the first one in line. 

'Hold one for me, I'll be there before six.' He told the owner, and sighed a breath of relief that he didn't miss his chance. He would have regretted losing this opportunity simply because he was lazy and didn't check his email when one of the most important things in his life happened. 

Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic, but he knew quite a few people that would kill for a copy of this record.

Soon enough, he heard the key turn in the lock, and Gerard entered the apartment, kicking his shoes off and glancing at Frank on the couch, who was smiling at him excitedly. Gerard smiled and gave him an odd look before he kicked off his shoes and placed his keys on the countertop.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked, because he was used of Frank's sulky behaviour these past few weeks. He knew that he was sulky too, but that was irrelevant.

Frank took a deep breath ready to explain, as Gerard stood in the kitchen. "So, there's this band I like..." he started.

Gerard nodded for him to continue, getting a drink of water.

"....And all of their albums have physical copies, ones that I own, but their first album, their mysterious first album, had no physical copies made at all, and the only ones that you can buy are shitty pirated versions on the internet, and if there is vinyls, they're like thousands of dollars. EXCEPT, apparently the record store that I always used to go to in town got in like two hundred copies of this vinyl, that they found from god knows where, and theres two copies left. So I obviously have to do down there and get one, I've been looking for this since I was like sixteen..."

Gerard had the biggest smile on his face. He was seeing Frank truly happy for the first time in a long time, these past couple of months were really hard for him, and Gerard laughed a little as Frank was practically beaming from where he sat on the couch.

"So I'm guessing you want to go down there like, right now?" He asked, practically reading his mind.

"Well, yeah, they close at six and I'm scared they're gonna be sold if I wait until tomorrow."

"So go," Gerard told him, taking his blazer off from his uniform.

"You wanna come with?" Frank asked, as he reached for his coat on the arm of the couch and pulled it on.

Gerard thought. He was kind of tired. "I don't know."

"Come on, it'll be fun. You haven't been there before, I'll show you around," Frank tried to convince him. He really wanted Gerard to come, it would give them something to talk about other than the boring affairs of their apartment. Gerard wasn't exactly up to talk about his life, and Frank definitely did not want to talk about himself all the time.

Gerard sighed. "Fine, just let me change," he gave in, and disappeared down the hallway, leaving Frank to gather his things before heading out. He grabbed his keys, wallet, phone, and pulled his shoes on, before Gerard was finally ready, showing up at the door in normal everyday clothes.

"Let's go," Frank said, and locked the door behind them as they ventured out to the little record store.

-

The ride there was uneventful, Frank mostly talked about how he frequented the shop tons when he was a teenager, as he used to play guitar and would talk to the people that worked there about music for hours after school. He became good friends with the owner after high school, but eventually had to give it all up to focus on his career.

Gerard nodded along at his story, Frank mostly just telling it to fill the silence and the time, it wasn't necessarily that interesting, and before they knew it, they had arrived at the street the store was on, finding a parking spot a few stores down, and walking past the little clothing shops and electronic stores before they arrived at the small brick building.

Frank pulled the door open, Gerard following close behind him, and they entered the cramped room filled with rows and rows of records, little white cards visible sticking out everywhere announcing genre, album, and alphabet. There were various posters hung on the walls, over top of the exposed brick, and a little shelf at the back with old t-shirts. Frank walked to the back, and approached the man sitting behind the till, looking bored, doing something on the computer. Gerard noticed the many flyers for shows under the glass of the counter, advertising various bands and where they were playing in the city. He laughed at the 'Cowpuncher' flyer, for a gig the following weekend.

"Hey, Frank! How you feeling?" The bearded guy behind the counter asked him, as he realized they were there.

Frank smiled. "A lot better, I finally got that fucking cast off last week, so it's going a lot better. Hopefully I can back to work soon, I'm sick of sitting around, you know?"

"Definitely, you found any work yet?" He asked as he unlocked a cabinet behind the counter.

"I've applied at a few places, but I haven't heard back yet. I had a really promising offer, but I guess someone else got the job when I got in the accident, so... But I'm sure i'll find one eventually. There has to be a law firm that's looking for someone, even if I have to go to New York, I'll kind of take anything at this point."

"Know what you mean," the guy said, and finally found what he was looking for, pulling out a record wrapped thickly in clear plastic, holding it as if it was some precious artifact, and placed it on the counter in front of Frank.

Frank stared at it with wide eyes, as if he couldn't believe it was even real, and picked it up, reading the back excitedly. "How the fuck did you even find these?" He asked the owner, who typed something into the computer, setting up the purchase.

"A guy that works here found this collector down in Vegas who found all of these vinyls at some random pawn shop and didn't realize how valuable they really were. He was selling them for a lot, even though they could go for ten times the amount we bought them off of him for. He wasn't really into music, mostly collected comic book merch and stuff like that, he had no idea what a big deal it was to own so many of them. I've only ever seen like three of these in the flesh. It was insane. I held back a couple for friends since I knew you'd be killing yourself if you didn't get one," he chuckled, and gave Frank the credit card machine.

"Thank you so much, literally, I owe you. I would have not even known this if i didn't randomly decide to check my email today. You should have called me!"

"Well, you got one now, so chill. Take good care of it," he said, as he wrapped it up and placed it in a bag, ready for Frank to take home.

Frank gripped the bag as if it contained his first born child, and said goodbye to the man, promising that he would come by more often, and exiting the store with Gerard in tow.

"Happy now?" Gerard asked as they got out onto the sidewalk. 

Frank laughed. "You have no idea," he told him, as they walked slowly down the street, enjoying the surprisingly sunny day.

"Well, I'm glad," Gerard told him, as they strolled down the street. Frank didn't want to go home just yet. As much as he wanted to listen to the album, he knew it off by heart from shitty YouTube copies of the songs, and he knew that this nice day would not last as eternally as the record would. He didn't want to go home where he and Gerard would probably go into their separate rooms for the rest of the day, only to talk to him tomorrow night after he disappeared off to work yet again.

"Do you wanna grab something to eat now that we're here?" He asked, knowing the perfect place just a couple blocks down the street, a pizza parlour that had the best crust he'd ever tasted in his life.

Gerard thought for a second, before agreeing. "Sure, why not," he told him, and waited for Frank to put the record safely in the car before they continued on their way. They walked side by side, looking at the little shops they passed by, soon passing the businesses and crossing the street into a more residential area. 

"It's only a couple blocks from here, I used to walk there from school all the time with my friends when I was a kid," Frank told him, and Gerard followed, pointing out a coffee shop that they should try sometime. 

Frank noticed quickly living with Gerard that he loved coffee, it could probably be classified as an addiction by this point, but he made no move to stop him, as he knew he had his weird little obsessions too.

They walked past row perfect two story houses, with white washed siding and picket fences, lawns mowed to golf course quality, and gardens blooming perfect petals of every colour. This was definitely a much different neighbourhood than where Frank and Gerard's apartment resided, where you might not want to hang around at night by yourself. 

Frank could see the large, ornate building of the church in the distance, it's carved stone face easily recognizable from every direction. He remembered walking past the church a lot as a kid. He never went to church himself, but he always admired the grand building, with the weathered stone steps and intricate cross carved about the entrance.

Gerard stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk, an almost shocked expression on his face, and Frank stopped a few steps in front of him, turning back to look at what made him stop.

"What?" Frank asked, noting Gerard's sudden change in attitude, his body was stiff and he was almost unresponsive.

"It's nothing," he said, and continued to walk again with Frank as they grew nearer and nearer to the building. 

But as they continued walking, Gerard slowed down again, struggling to put one foot in front of the other as his face grew contorted, a pained expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" Frank asked for the second time, he was getting seriously concerned now, and Gerard just shook his head, trying to continue on as if everything was fine.

Frank followed behind him as he slowly walked on, his every step looking like a struggle, as if he was stepping though cement rather than air, and Frank was about to stop him and make him tell him what was going on, as Gerard suddenly fell to his knees roughly on the sidewalk, as Frank stared in utter shock as he saw the slow blossoming of blood seep through the back of Gerard's t-shirt.

"What the fuck?!" He asked in horror, as he rushed towards Gerard and knelt down beside him, Gerard's head was bent down in pain, and he struggled to hold himself up, his arms were shaking in front of him as his palms were placed down on the ground, almost as if it was an effort to even hold himself up. He couldn't speak, his eyes were pressed tightly shut, and Frank was in a blind panic as he tried to get a response from Gerard, tried to figure out anything, as he saw the first few drops of blood seep down onto the sidewalk, and his body took over, as his mind was still in a state of horror and confusion.

He grabbed Gerard's arms, yanking him to his feet, and dragged him as hard as he could back the way they came, away from the church, as it was obvious that they wouldn't be doing any further forward, he didn't want to know what would happen if they tried, and it was like dragging dead weight as Gerard's body went limp and his face was contorted in pain, the start of tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

Frank was utterly terrified, and it was almost as if he was looking down on the situation from above, as he pulled Gerard with all his strength, and shoving him into the car as they finally made it to where they'd parked, before he rushed over to the driver's side and drove home as fast as he could.

-

Looking back on it, he didn't know how he'd managed to get Gerard through the lobby of their building and into the elevator without anyone noticing- or calling the cops, as Gerard was trailing blood behind him like he belonged at a murder scene, and Frank didn't really know what he was thinking as they finally stumbled into their apartment, Frank slamming the door closed behind them. It ran through Frank's mind sometime while he was driving that they should maybe be going to the hospital instead of back home, but some tiny part of his brain that he'd tried to shut out told him that his wasn't your average knee scrape. This was something different entirely, and Frank had no idea what that even meant, but he didn't have to understand it, he just went with his gut feeling, and he stood in his doorway, wracking his brain for what to do. What the hell should he do? He didn't even have any idea what was going on let alone how to fix it.

But apparently Gerard knew what to do as he practically drug himself down the hallway, with Frank running up behind him, not initially realizing that he'd gone.

"What are you doing? Tell me what the FUCK is going on!" He begged, as Gerard continued to ignore him, finally stumbling into the bathroom, Frank standing in the doorway, as Gerard hurriedly pulled off his shirt, Frank suddenly realized, the back of his shirt was almost blackened in areas, Gerard's raw flesh was visible through the fabric in some parts, and although the whole back was soaked with blood, there was no doubt that it was also burned.

Frank's eyes widened in horror, and a million thoughts flew though his head as he tried to wrap his mind around what was going on. He almost felt as if he was going to pass out, and watched helplessly as Gerard turned on the shower to the coldest setting before stepping in, not even bothering to take off his pants, as the cold water beat down on his back, steam rising up to the ceiling as it made contact with his skin, which Frank told himself was impossible, the water must have been ice cold, yet, there it was, curling upwards before dissipating at the ceiling, and Gerard practically slumped against the shower wall, facing Frank, his face finally relaxed, as he let the water soothe his skin, with no words regarding what just happened.

Frank just moved a few more steps into the room, feeling only a fraction calmer as he saw that Gerard was in less pain, and he leant against the sink, simply staring at Gerard, refusing to leave him alone after the traumatizing event that just happened.

Gerard stood under the water, breathing deeply, and eventually wiping the hair away from his face as he truly looked at Frank for the first time, a defeated look in his eyes.

"Don't think that there is absolutely any way that you can get out of this now. Because I swear to god Gerard, you better tell me what the fuck is going on before I lose my shit. What the hell was that?!?!" He practically yelled at Gerard, who simply stood there, not even bothering to close his eyes as the water poured over his face. He looked almost unresponsive, but Frank knew that he could hear him.

"Frank," he sighed. "You don't understand. And I don't expect you to, but it's not something that I can just casually explain to you."

"Then don't explain it to me causally, explain it to me in the fanciest way you like, because you ARE going to explain this to me. I deserve an explanation!! Are you dying? Like, what the FUCK is going on??" He screamed, his knuckles white on the edge of the sink, feeling on the verge of a nervous breakdown with this man that refused to to tell him anything, when there was obviously extremely serious shit going on. 

Frank was downright terrified, because he now knew that this wasn't your run off the mill secret, like 'I ran away from home' or 'I escaped from jail'. He would take an escaped prisoner any day over Gerard practically crawling down their hallway pouring blood.

"Frank, I CAN'T!" Gerard cried, his face contorting as he began to break down. He was probably crying by this point, but Frank couldn't tell what was from the shower and what was tears. "I literally am unable to tell you, as much as I want to and as much as this hurts me, I can't," he tried to explain, though he knew that it was no use, Frank was not going to take no for an answer at this point. This was the end, he'd reached his limit. 

"NO, GERARD, YOU CAN TELL ME, AND YOU'RE JUST REFUSING. DON'T YOU THINK I DESERVE AN EXPLANATION? DON'T YOU TRUST ME BY NOW?"

"Frank," Gerard pleaded.

"Just give me anything, please..." Frank begged.

"FINE!" Gerard yelled. Frank was almost shocked at his words. Holy shit. He stood there silently, waiting for Gerard to say anything, anything after months of turmoil over all of this uncertainty.

"Just let me get dressed first," Gerard said, as he turned the water off, attempting to step over the ledge of the tub in his drenched jeans.

Frank stepped forward and helped his weak frame out into the bathroom, sitting him down on the closed toilet seat, and disappearing to get him some dry clothes.

He came back into the room to see Gerard sitting there numbly, shaking either out of shock or cold, and Frank rushed forward and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around him gingerly.

Gerard winced, but pulled the towel around his shoulders nonetheless.

"Shhh," Frank said, and pushed his wet hair out of his eyes.

He set the clean clothes down beside him, and reluctantly left him to get dressed, as he exited the small room, and waited in his own bedroom, to hear the story that he'd been agonizing over for weeks, when finally, Gerard entered his room in the dry pants, but no shirt, slowly sitting down on the edge of Frank's bed, still shivering slightly.

"Here," Frank said, and sat him down towards the front of the bed, putting a blanket loosely around him in an attempt to heat him up without hurting too much. He sat directly in front of Gerard, his heart pounding in his chest as he waited for Gerard to say something... anything.

Gerard contemplated his words for a long time, finally taking a deep breath as he settled on something to say, and wondering how he got to this point, on the verge of explaining the very thing that controlled his entire existence, to Frank, the one person that should never even known him in the first place.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the story here deals with some religious themes, but I am talking about them in a mythological context, this story is fiction, and it is in no way meant to be offensive towards real religions.

Frank was so nervous he felt as if his heart was going to leap out of his chest, or stop all together.

Gerard sat in front of him, still having said nothing after what felt like hours of contemplation, even though it was probably only a few minutes. Frank was growing frustrated, but he knew that whatever it was, was hard for Gerard to say. He'd give him his time.

Finally, Gerard opened his mouth. 

"Frank..." He said, sitting near the headboard of the bed, a thick blanket draped around his shoulders, his knees pulled up to his chest. "I'm gonna try to explain this to you as best as I can, but I need you to keep an open mind. Because this is something that i'm almost certain you- or anybody wouldn't understand, but I'm kind of in a bad position right now. I know that you're at your breaking point, that's clear. And i'd hoped that it would never get to this point, but I have no other choice now."

"Gerard," Frank began. He didn't even know what to say and Gerard hadn't even told him anything yet. "I hope that you could feel like you could trust me. I mean, I know that we aren't the closest, but i'd like to think that I've gotten to know you, at least as much as I could. We're together everyday, and we've admitted that we care about each other... I just want to let you know that I won't judge you. I would never kick out out, if that's what you're scared of. I know that you have nowhere to go, and I could never do that to you at this point," he tried to explain. He was ready for whatever this was. He just needed Gerard to trust him, that could be the only reason he'd kept this a secret for so long.

"I do trust you, Frank. And that's not the reason why I couldn't tell you this. I still can't tell you this, but I'm gonna try to explain why I can't tell you."

Frank's face grew even more frustrated, but he decided to just let Gerard speak.

"So..." he began, looking down at his knees. "Before I moved in, I didn't necessarily come from somewhere in the city, a friend's house down the street, I came from somewhere else entirely. And where I came from, when I left, I was forced to never speak about it. And I don't mean like, a promise or something, I literally, physically am not able to tell you. About what it was or who I was, I can't tell you no matter how much I want to. And I do want to tell you, Frank. I didn't want you to know at first, because I was scared of what you'd think, but now that we're together, living together I mean, and now that I really know you more, I want you to know."

"But what's preventing you from telling me? Why is it such a big deal that you're scared they would find out even though you're away from them, whoever they are?" Frank thought for a moment, as Gerard wasn't really responding.

"Were you in a cult or something? And you escaped?" he asked, hoping to get closer to the truth. Maybe if Gerard felt that he couldn't directly tell him, he could guess.

Gerard smiled. "No, I wasn't in a cult. And i didn't escape, I was forced to leave," he admitted.

"Why?" 

"Cause I broke the rules."

"What are the rules?" Frank asked.

"I can't tell you that," Gerard shook his head.

"Well, which one did you break?" Frank asked quietly.

Gerard sighed. "That one I definitely couldn't tell you."

Frank groaned. "So what else can you tell me? Anything? Because I think that it's ridiculous that we're just gonna go on with our lives and pretend like whatever happened this afternoon wasn't a big deal, cause it was," he told Gerard firmly.

"I know it was a big deal, and trust me, if I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have continued. I didn't know what was happening, that's why I acted like everything was fine."

"But why didn't you know? If you're holding all of these secrets and you know absolutely everything that you're not telling me, didn't you know what was happening to you?"

"Because, Frank," Gerard grew serious. "It's not like I was given a handbook that tells me everything that I would need to know when I left that place. They told me what I did wrong, which I was aware of already, and they kicked me out. Not another word. I don't know what you're imaging but it's not a friendly place, they're not going to walk me through how to survive step by step. I broke their laws so that's it. I was done."

Frank really didn't know what to think. This sounded like some twisted cult thing, that brainwashed you into thinking that if you ever told their secrets that they would kill you, or worse. He remembered watching a tv program about cults one time, and it scared the shit out of him. He couldn't understand how people ended up in situations like that.

"Gerard, I know that you think that if you tell me, something bad's gonna happen, but I promise that I won't let anything happen to you. You're safe here."

Gerard laughed, a cold, harsh laugh. "Frank, you can't protect me from anything. You don't know the half of it. You couldn't even imagine what would happen to me if i did somehow find out how to tell you."

"Like what? What do you think is going to happen if you tell me? Because I'm sure that the second it comes out of your mouth it's gonna sound ridiculous. You're safe here now. You're away from them."

"Frank, if I told you. If i really honestly spoke the words out of my mouth, my soul would burn from the inside, out of my body, leaving my physical form dead, and my soul would go to hell, to stay there for the rest of eternity. And I would be dead, on your living room floor, and I would have to stay down there forever. I would see you die, I would see Ray die, I would see everyone die, eventually. And no matter how much I care about you, nothing is worth that," he said, in a distant tone, and Frank was silent.

He stopped breathing, he was sure the blood had stopped flowing through his veins, and the first thought through his mind when his body began to function again was 'wow, they really, honestly brainwashed him.'

"No," he said. "Gerard, what I really think is going on here, is that you're scared, and confused, and I think that I know where you came from and who did this to you. Not who exactly, but I have an idea," he took Gerard's hands in his. "I think that you were in some kind of cult, some kind of heavily religious cult, and I think that they told you again and again that if you ever told anyone about it that you would go to hell. And i'm not saying that your religion is wrong, even if I don't believe in it, but i promise you that you won't go to hell. Hell isn't a real place," he said, with tears in his eyes. He couldn't believe how scared and small Gerard looked in that moment. He couldn't believe that someone could manipulate a person like that. "And I hate what they did to you," he told Gerard, his voice getting choked up. "I know that they hurt you, they beat you, when you didn't follow the rules," he said, the first tears starting to fall. "But I promise you, that i'll never let anything happen to you here. I'll never let anyone hurt you, they're not going to find you here. You're safe. And if you need to talk to somebody about this, I would be okay with that."

Gerard didn't know what to say. Despite how sure Frank was that he'd figured it all out, he had it all wrong. "No," he told him, gently taking his hands away. "That's not what happened. And I'm not just denying it, I know that that's not what happened. That doesn't explain the thing at the church. How would you explain that?" he asked him, trying to show Frank that his theory was wrong.

"...I don't know. I have no idea what that was. And it scares me, because it seems like you don't either."

"Well, I have a guess."

"Which is?" Frank asked.

"I can't say," Gerard said, annoyed with himself at this point.

"Gerard, isn't there any way that you can tell me? Can't you write it down, or give me clues or something? Isn't there any way around this? Because there's just no way that you can just tell me this much and nothing more!" He said, sure that he would be able to pull something out of Gerard by the time this conversation was done. He could tell that there was still so much that Gerard was keeping from him, and he didn't completely believe the whole hell thing just yet. Could you blame him? It sounded crazy, like something out of fairytales.

"It doesn't matter how I tell you, I'd still be the reason you found out, and it's all the same in their eyes."

"Who are they? Please..."

"They're called Protectores Animas."

Frank furrowed his brow.

"It's latin."

Frank just gave him a questioning look, and it was clear that Gerard was going to say no more. His gaze fell back to the blanket in front of him, and Frank felt determined to figure this all out.

He reached across to the bedside table to his laptop, opening the internet, and typed what Gerard said into the translator.

"The protectors of the souls," Frank read aloud, and Gerard looked up at him with a worried expression, almost expecting himself to burst into flames and descend into hell at any moment. But he still sat on Frank's bed, wrapped in the fuzzy blue blanket, as Frank stared at his face and tried to put the broken, fragmented pieces of the puzzle together.

"Is that what you are? Or were?" he asked Gerard, and he only became more nervous looking. 

"No, that's what they are called, but I don't think I can say what I am."

"Please, Gerard? Nothing happened the first time," he tried to reason.

"Frank. My life is at risk here. One little thing that I could let slip could sever my soul from my body. Do you not even fucking care?" he asked.

Frank's features softened. "Of course I care, I'm just trying to figure out as much as I can," he said, not totally believing the whole hell thing. He wanted to trust Gerard, but it all seemed so crazy to him. He remembered watching horror movies when he was much too young, and crying to his mom when he was about nine or ten, scared that he was going to get murdered in the middle of the night, and his mom would hug him and tell him over and over that it was just a movie, it was fake. It was all actors and scary story lines to make it seem believable, but it was just made up. Now, at twenty-eight, he had a lot of difficulty taking Gerard's words as gospel. It was just so far fetched. Although, he'd never seen anyone's flesh get torn apart from being in the vicinity of a church before, so maybe he should start doubting the words his wise mother had told him so many years ago.

Gerard sighed, figuring he'd risk a little more for Frank. It was Frank after all, who else did he have to risk anything for? He spun the laptop towards himself and typed something new into the translator.

He pushed it back towards Frank in a few seconds, who read it out loud. "Animam Pueri- soul servants," he stated, and looked from the screen, back up to Gerard, who could almost see the gears turning in his head.

"You're a soul servant?" he asked, leaving Gerard to nod his head weakly.

"So... what does that mean?" he asked, and Gerard merely put his head down onto his arms that were crossed on his knees. "Right, you can't tell me."

He sighed deeply, putting the laptop away, and simply thought about what Gerard had told him. In the place where he was before, the people were called the protectors of the souls. And when they had found out that Gerard had broke the rules, of what exactly, Frank had no idea, they kicked him out immediately, leaving him in New Jersey with nothing, and instructions to not tell anybody anything, with a horror story that if he did he would go to hell. And Gerard was a soul servant, whatever that meant. The thing back at the church still haunted him, and his brain started working in ways that he never thought it would. He used to be a lawyer. He believed in cold hard facts, and nothing else. He didn't believe in fairytales, or ghosts, or magic. But now... that memory of dragging Gerard down the street, his t-shirt that still lay in the bathroom, charred and bloody, there had to be an explanation for that, and he wondered if he was involved in some sort of Satanist witchcraft thing. The whole idea almost made him laugh, but really, what else could he infer? He was grasping at straws, and without Gerard telling him anything, he was left to ponder ridiculous guesses of who these people were and why Gerard was like this.

"So, that's it, there's nothing more that we can do. You can't tell me anything, and I'll be left with this little information that you've given me, which I'm not even sure is worse or better than knowing nothing at all. We're just supposed to live like this? Me on the edge of knowing, you wishing that you could tell me, but it never really happens?"

"Well, there is a way for me to be able to tell you, but we're not doing it. It's a big commitment. And I'd never ask you to do something like that. We just have to accept that it has to be like this. I've told you all that I can, and we just have to move on."

"What is it?" Frank asked, almost scared to know. It was silent between them, Gerard looked up, his chin resting on his forearms.

"Frank, no."

"I'm not saying we're gonna do it, just tell me please? I need to know."

Gerard seemed to think for a long time. There was no reason that he couldn't tell Frank, he was just scared to. He would never want Frank to do this in a thousand years. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to do it himself.

"Let's just say, that even though I seem as real and as human to you as yourself, I'm not. Not really. My body is, but I'm not."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means, that I would have to acquire part of a true human myself. Something that's unique to them... Whether it's some of their blood... their soul..." he looked away.

"Their soul?" Frank asked. "But you have a soul, Gerard. I know that you do."

Gerard pursed his lips. "I do have a soul, but not a human soul."

Frank was lost for words. "Gerard, what are you talking about? You're human, you're as real as me. We're the same."

"We're so far from the same, Frank, it isn't even funny," he said with a blank face.

"If I did believe you, how would this happen?" he asked skeptically.

"This isn't happening. I'm not telling you how, because we're not doing it. If you give me this, this part of yourself, ... I could tell you everything then, because I'd be human too, but at what cost?" he paused, almost too full of emotion. "It means that we would be bonded together. And I could never ask that of you. It's too much, Frankie," he said, almost beginning to cry. Today had been an emotional day.

"Hey, we're not doing it, it's fine," Frank said, reaching forward and running his fingers through Gerard's hair, trying to comfort him.

"We're not doing it," Gerard echoed, and looked purely exhausted in that moment.

Frank crawled over to the other side of the bed, and laid down, Gerard still sitting with his knees pulled to his chest, looking almost frightened. 

"Here, just lay down," Frank told him, and gently pulled his arm. Gerard gave in, shuffling down more, before laying down, but he winced immediately, his face twisting in pain.

"Ow," he said quietly, and Frank reached over and pulled his shoulder towards him.

"Roll over," he said, and Gerard complied, rolling onto his stomach, his head hovering awkwardly above Frank's chest.

"Is this okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Frank told him, and he gently lowered his head to rest on Frank's chest, eventually moving his arm over Frank's waist because of it's weird position under him. 

Frank was careful not to touch his back, still raw with open wounds, in the same irregular tearing pattern. Frank couldn't make out any particular shape or weapon that would give him those wounds, he couldn't even imagine any more with what Gerard had told him, he knew he was dealing with things outside the ream of possibilities in New Jersey, whatever they were. 

He sighed, feeling Gerard finally relaxing. He knew that they were done with that conversation for today. Gerard was done, he could tell. With everything that had happened today, he didn't blame him. Though, he knew that this was not the end of the conversation forever, it couldn't be. Despite how much of a bad idea it sounded, and how little Frank knew about it, he still wanted to know about the way that Gerard could tell him everything, whatever that 'ritual' or whatever it was would entail. He was curious, and if it meant that Gerard would finally be able to talk freely about everything, literally everything, maybe that wouldn't be that bad. 

Frank reminded himself that he would have to give a part of himself up for this, and he was overwhelmed with it all, everything that he had learned today.

He decided to push it all out of his mind momentarily, at least for the night, and he hesitantly moved his hand from laying limply on the bed to the dip in Gerard's waist, the other reaching up to just below his chin to run through Gerard's thick black hair, still a tiny bit damp.

He eventually fell asleep with the wonderful feeling of Gerard on his chest, the warm puffs of air he breathed rhythmically out of his nose an indicator the he was also asleep, and with the fleeting, half-asleep thought in that very moment that maybe being bonded to Gerard wouldn't be that bad. He didn't hate laying with him in his arms for even a second, in fact, it seemed like it was everything he ever wanted.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm out of coffee so i'm super unmotivated. but i'll try to get back onto my every 2 days schedule, i promise!

Frank awoke the next morning, with a heavy feeling in his chest, and as he slowly opened his eyes, he realized that it was Gerard.

Gerard, the apparently non-human.

The thought freaked him out, to be honest, because Gerard seemed perfectly normal to him, despite the church incident, he would never guess in a million years that there was something different about him. It made him wonder how many other people that he saw on the street were hiding sinister things that no one would believe.

That was just it, he really didn't believe Gerard no matter how much he wanted to. He just had no proof. Gerard was too secretive for Frank to really know anything, all he knew was that there was something that he didn't know.

He had only been awake for five minutes and he was already launching into the inner turmoil that Gerard created inside of him. How could someone so kind, so beautiful, so warm and almost innocent looking at this moment actually be harbouring a secret past life, a supernatural life that was deemed far to dangerous to even utter out loud? 

Frank didn't understand, clearly.

Soon though, before Frank had barely enough time to think all of this through again, Gerard stirred, and eventually woke up, looking up at Frank before pushing himself into a sitting position. He seemed just as sombre as Frank was, last night's events obviously still lingering on their minds.

Gerard was facing away from Frank, merely breathing and waking up, running a hand through his disheveled, messy hair, and Frank noticed his bare back.

"It's healed," Frank said, in a quiet morning tone,

"Yeah," Gerard said without hesitation. "It does that."

"Does what?" Frank asked, uncertain.

"Heals really fast," he said, turning back to look at Frank. "I can't really get hurt, Frank. And if I do, it goes away pretty quickly," he said, with almost a sad inflection in his voice, and Frank couldn't think of anything to respond. It went in one ear and out the other by this point, he found that he just couldn't be shocked any more, and his sort of numbness to the whole situation made him brush past this information without a second thought. So Gerard can heal at a super human rate. So what. Add it to the pile of other things about Gerard that Frank is figuring out.

The scars were still there, maybe even more present than ever, but the wounds were dry, healed over in the course of the night, and Gerard exited the room to put a shirt on, leaving Frank to ponder in peace.

The late night discussion that he had with Gerard soon seemed to be the most important thing in his life, he was completely consumed by it, and although he didn't speak to Gerard about it anymore, it was all that he thought about.

He almost scared himself, while he was sitting at the table eating breakfast one day, that he was almost contemplating convincing Gerard to do this 'ritual'. Frank had no idea what it entailed, all he knew was that he gave up a part of himself, a sacrafice without death, to Gerard, and somehow that would allow Gerard to be free from the clutches that these 'protectors of the souls' had on him. What would happen to Gerard? Would he drink some potion, and suddenly be free from it, his scars fading away, and his 'powers' vanishing? Frank remembered something about Gerard saying that he needed something human to be able to tell him, meaning that he was not human at all. 

Frank admitted, that freaked him out. No matter how much he tried to accept it, he just couldn't believe that Gerard wasn't human. He touched him, he felt him, he connected with him, he saw him almost every minute of the day and there was nothing that would give it away, minus the church incident. But Gerard said something about his soul. That he had a human body, but his soul was something else entirely, and for some reason Frank felt like that seemed easier to accept, no matter how disturbing it may be, than the fact that Gerard was not human at all.

But why would Gerard have a human body if he wasn't human? He knew so little information that it was impossible for him to figure it out.

-

Frank found the days slipping by just like before when Gerard and him had their big argument and stopped talking to each other, but this time there wasn't anything wrong. There was no negative feelings between them, just a slight awkwardness. This consisted of Frank silently being consumed by the mention of the ritual, and Gerard ignoring, waiting, and battling the part of himself that kind of wanted Frank to say yes.

Gerard was having such a struggle internally that it was almost as if he was two different people, he was so torn that he felt as if his body would split apart. And Frank had no idea, he just saw Gerard going to work, coming home, making small talk, purposely NOT bringing up their desperate, frustrating discussion, and Gerard eating dinner at the kitchen table, staring at the wall, going back and forth in his head like a tennis match.

On one hand, he absolutely did not want Frank to want to do the ritual. First of all, Frank would have to physically give a part of him to Gerard. And it would not be easy, it would be torturous, and gruelling. He would have to give up some of his blood, or even his soul, which the thought of made Gerard want to cry, and hate himself at the same time. There was no way that he would let Frank do that. He wouldn't let Frank destroy himself like that, who knows what would happen. The last thing that he wanted was to finish this all and be left with Frank dead, and Gerard alive and as human as ever, but alone. Through this ceremony, of sorts, as mentioned, Frank would be giving a part of himself to Gerard, but he would still be tied to that part of himself, bonding him and Gerard together. Him and Gerard were not even dating, they were not even anything. The last thing that they needed was to be irreversibly tethered together, for god knows how long, (probably eternity, Gerard guessed), when they had only known each other for a few months. On top of this all, Gerard did not even know how to do it. Not at all. What he had told Frank is all that he knew about it, any further than that they would have to figure out on their own, and that seemed like literally the worst idea ever. Messing around with their souls, and various bodily fluids... Gerard chuckled to himself. That's a thought for another day. 

Another thing, that he realized, is that if they did the ritual, he would be human. As human as Frank was. Gerard had never tried to kill himself, but he was pretty sure that it wouldn't work, in his current form. If his wounds healed that quickly, and he seemed to never hurt himself otherwise, he was sure that he was immune to death. And that would surely change once he became human. Not that he necessarily loved his immortality, he didn't specifically care for it, but always having that protection, being human, being able to get hurt, to be broken so easily was a scary thought. He could be just like Frank, walking across the street one day, only to be hit by a car, and BAM. Your life could be over. 

For some reasons, reasons that were personal to Gerard, he wasn't one hundred percent opposed to becoming a mortal, it's just everything that he and Frank would have to go through in the process that turned him off to the idea.

The other side of his brain, constantly battling against this one, secretly wanted Frank to convince him to do the ceremony. This was the selfish part of his brain, that we all have, that sat in the gross, dark, corner of his mind, and whispered to Gerard at night, or while he ate his granola, that it would be so great to tell Frank everything. That once he was human, maybe, just maybe... him and Frank could be together. 

Gerard knew that it would be impossible in the current situation they were in. In order to be in a relationship with somebody, you have to trust them, and Frank trusted Gerard to a mild extent. To the extent where he was certain that Gerard would not murder him in his sleep, and keep his job, and write coffee on the grocery list when they ran out, but he did not trust him in the 'I'd load the gun, take the safety off, and place it in your hands,' type of way. The type of way that you do when you love somebody.

On top of that, simply being able to tell Frank everything was the most appealing thought. He wanted to tell him so badly, it had been eating away from him the moment he walked in to the apartment. Yes, at first he was scared, but there was always that underlying knowledge that it would be feel like the most amazing thing ever to get it off his chest. He was quite frightened to how Frank would react, in the hypothetical situation where Gerard could tell him everything freely, but he guessed that that was a bridge he'd cross when he came to it. No use worrying about the unknown, right?

-

Wrong.

Frank worried about the unknown for a few more weeks. Silently, agonizingly, he worried. He wrote many more pages of poetry, all as excruciatingly painful as the one he wrote the day that he got the cast off, and he was finding that he only needed to release his emotions more and more frequently, as he couldn't talk to Gerard about this, that conversation was dried up and dead, and memory of their words shared back and forth festered inside of Frank until he was almost going crazy with the thought of them. 

Leaving the situation as it was and forgetting the whole thing just wasn't an option to him. Now that he knew, there was no pushing that to the back of his mind. It was right at the forefront, as he watched Gerard eat his granola with a blank expression, as he watched Gerard come home from work and throw his jacket on the chair, as he watched Gerard read a magazine.

He's not human. He's keeping secrets. He's not human. He's keeping secrets.

It played over and over in his mind, and the image of Gerard only triggered it more, making him anxious and almost insane with his own indecision.

Should he give in and do the ritual? Is that what Gerard wants? Or should try to move on? Make the best of things as they are, and live with Gerard, trying to become friendly with him again, and be as close as possible even with this invisible barrier?

Frank sat on his bed in his room, breathing. He was breathing, and blinking, and pumping blood through his veins, and thinking. The synopses in his brain fired continually, making the same pathways over and over, creating the same thoughts and leading Frank down the same dead road again and again until he wanted to pull his hair out, as he simply sat in his bedroom. 

It was silent, not the deafening type where you notice a buzzing that you never thought existed before, but a relatively comfortable one. He could just barely hear the tv, muffled though the many walls from his bedroom to the living room, a lonely chirping bird outside, and the random, low humming of a car driving by.

Frank calmly, and surely, told himself that he was insane, as if you would tell yourself that it was Saturday. He was insane, he said in his head, because he was unadmittedly accepting that he wanted to go through with it. Whatever it was. The ritual, the ceremony, whatever. He had worn himself down so much that he was exhausted even thinking about it anymore, and it seemed as if repetition really was the way to make yourself do anything, because Frank was calmly thinking about possibly going into the living room where Gerard currently was, and telling him about his decision.

Frank was in a certain state of calm, which most likely attributed to his psychotic break. It was not the type of calm where you feel like you're curled up in a blanket, holding a kitten or a baby or something, and even a tone above a whisper would be too harsh for the atmosphere.

No, this was the eerie type of calm. The type where you're smiling and your eyes are wide, even when they shouldn't be, and you're telling yourself that everything is fine when it most definitely isn't, and everyone better hide the sharp objects from you because you're severely unstable as of recent. That kind of calm.

He was leaning towards telling a man, whom he met roughly three months ago now, that he would permanently give him some of his blood, or maybe even a bit of his soul, just to learn some information from him that was withheld.

Stating it simply, it seemed like the definition of a bad idea, but then again, Frank undeniably attracted to this man, and the mysterious aura surrounding him and absolutely everything about his behaviour and attitude made Frank desperately want to know. He didn't even want to know by this point, he needed to know.

And before he knew what he was doing, his legs were carrying him off to the living room, and his bedroom was no longer in sight, and he constantly asked himself why he was doing this, even though deep down he knew, and all of a sudden, he was sat beside Gerard on the couch, pretending to watch the tv too, when in reality his eyes weren't even processing the picture, his brain was too busy screaming 'Say something! What should I say? Just open your mouth and speak! Wait a minute, do I really want to go through with this? This is such a bad idea. Hurry, tell him right now!', and on and on and on, until it was twenty minutes later and Frank's eyes were burning a hole into the side of Gerard's head, and he instinctively faced him, knowing that he was staring.

"What?" he asked Frank, not immediately noticing his weird behaviour.

Frank bit his lip, biting the bullet at the same time.

"What would you say if I wanted to do the ritual?" he asked hesitantly, feeling as if this question was a leap of faith, and he was falling, staring into Gerard's eyes, seeing the sudden panicked expression in them as he thought of a response, begging, silently begging that Gerard would catch him, even though it might have been better if Gerard let him fall flat, no matter how much it hurt, to shut Frank down and end this turmoil for good.

But Gerard, god damn fucking Gerard, physically could not let Frank fall. Every fibre of his being wanted to catch him, and his words flowed out of his lips like a parachute, scooping Frank up to safety. "Frank... do you really wanna do this?"

Frank swallowed in his dry throat nervously. "I've been trying to figure that out for forever. But yeah, I do. I've decided. I really do," he told him.

"You know that this is something that we can never take back? And there's no guarantee that it's going to work? I really don't know what could happen that could go wrong, but Frank, this really isn't a safe thing."

"But it's possible?" he asked.

"Yes, it's possible."

"Then I'm sure. Let's do it," Frank said, in an uneasy tone.

"The thing is, I don't exactly know how," Gerard informed him.

"What?!" Frank asked, leaning back a little from his previous position, his shoulder leaning against the back of the couch, looking at Gerard confused. "If you don't know how to do this, why did you bring this up in the first place? If I knew it wasn't an option I wouldn't have worried about it for as long as I did," he said, a strange feeling of disappointment settling in his stomach, despite this probably being the better thing for him.

"Because I know that it's possible to find out. There's places on the earth that have this type of information, we just have to go find it," he told Frank, trying to get used to the idea that they were doing this. Gerard was going to take a part of him. It made him a little queasy. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Frank, but to them, this seemed like the only way to move forward between the two of them, despite how severe.

"Well where do we look?" Frank asked.

Gerard sighed. "We have to find somewhere where they sell spiritual texts. And I'm not talking about bibles, I mean, some hole in the wall, voodoo type of place," Gerard said, seriously.

Frank laughed despite the gravity of the situation. "Sorry to let you down, but I don't think Jersey's heavy into the 'spiritual voodoo' market."

"It doesn't have to be, we're minutes away from New York. I'm talking about the tiniest, most discrete type of place. In a huge place like New York, there's bound to be somewhere like this somewhere. It'll probably be disguised as something else. A used book store, more likely. But we'll find it," he assured Frank.

"Okay," Frank nodded, thinking this all over. "How do we even start though?"

Gerard looked away, rolling his lips into his mouth in thought. "The only thing I can think of doing is looking up all of the used book stores in New York, cause we'll probably have better luck there than small towns in Jersey, and visiting as many as we can. It may take us a while. We'd have to do it in trips," he told him, and Frank sighed with the task at hand.

This would be a tedious job. "I'll get my laptop," he said halfheartedly, and just like that, him and Gerard spent the rest of the night writing down addresses of used book stores into a notebook, not really talking, but focusing on the task at hand. They had decided to try one of the most dangerous things in the world, altering Gerard's soul. Frank still wasn't sure if the benefits would outweigh the sacrifices, but if it meant that him and Gerard could actually get a shot at a relationship, and more importantly he would get to figure out what Gerard was hiding, then he figured it must be worth a shot. 

And at the moment when Frank accepted that he was willing to give Gerard a part of his soul, or something even more, for as normal of a human life as he could get, came the realization that he might, just maybe be in love with him.


	10. Chapter 10

The following weekend, Gerard and Frank had planned to drive to New York, and begin their search for a book that they really knew nothing about. 

It was a little strange for Frank, driving in the car with Gerard when the only other time they'd travelled anywhere, it ended badly. But this time they knew to stay away from churches, other than that, there was no reason for anything bad to happen. 

The whole week, Frank was growing more nervous about their search. Although he was dead set on finding out more about this ritual, the anxiety ridden excitement still buzzed under his skin, still ever present in the relatively quiet space of the car. Yes, traffic was a bitch on Saturday morning, but he was used of it. 

On the way, Gerard made small talk, discussing the people that he worked with at the art gallery, a strangely mundane topic of discussion for him and Frank, who seemed to talk about the earth shattering issues, or nothing at all. Frank silently pleaded that their friendship would be smooth sailing after this was all figured out.

Finally, they arrived to the city, and really didn't know where to start. They chose the address closest to them, finding a parking spot in an underground garage, and walking to everywhere they could reach within the vicinity. It would be faster than driving in New York, and there was never any parking anyways.

They stuck together closely in the giant hordes of people walking about, the sidewalks were constantly busy, and Gerard was secretly a little overwhelmed with it all, but Frank seemed to know what to do, and where to go, so Gerard just stuck to his side, noting that they probably looked like a couple since they were walking so close together, but he didn't hate that idea. Neither did Frank.

Gerard's hand brushed Frank's little one every once in a while, it was ought to happen on the long journey ahead of them. Frank was distracted, reading off of the torn out notebook paper that he, getting his bearings in the packed city, and deciding which way they needed to go to find the first location.

Finally, after walking the farthest Gerard had every walked in his life (and this was only the first store on their list, covering the front and back of the lined paper), they reached the first bookstore. It was small, as expected, and almost unnoticeable, tucked away in between a donut shop, and a music store. They entered the small, stuffy room, smelling instantly musty, and they broke up, milling the jam packed tables of dusty paperbacks.

They skimmed the whole room in minutes, their eyes glazing over the spines of many books, all obviously not what they were looking for. Gerard guessed they were looking for the type of leather bound, ancient papyrus type of book, rather than the generic, brightly covered romantic novels that was in high quantity in the store.

They didn't speak, they looked at each other and shared a knowing look that what they were looking for wasn't there. Frank gave a nod at the older lady behind the counter, and they walked back into the fresh air, trekking along away from the tinkling of the bell behind them.

Bookstore after bookstore they visited, and they were not getting anywhere. They all seemed to be sort of the same, small selection, with not even a hint of anything mysterious or magical in sight.

The day eventually droned on and on, they grabbed snacks along the way, stopping at a cafe for lunch, but only staying for a brief period of time. They had work to do. Feeling a little disheartened, with only about fifteen stores crossed off of their list in mid afternoon, they told each other that they had to keep going, they were bound to find what they needed somewhere. So Frank ate his sandwich, and Gerard took his coffee to go, and they continued.

At one store, in the second level of a brick office building, Gerard and Frank found nothing in the short shelves of the main part of the store, but Gerard muttered to Frank something about asking about the back room in the quiet space. It was true, this was the first store where they could see another doorway, visible stacks of books piled one on top of the other, behind the counter.

Frank walked up to the counter, preparing to ask the middle aged man, greying, and looking utterly despondent, behind the till.

"Hi, I'm looking for a really specific book, but I didn't see it on the shelves. Am i allowed to look in the back?" he asked, not really knowing how this sort of thing worked. He hoped that the guy wouldn't ask him which book, because he obviously had no idea. And explaining his situation would make them both seem insane.

The guy looked up from the computer, his face flat and bored. "Yeah go ahead, you're obviously over eighteen," he said in a monotone voice, and went back to what he was doing on the desktop.

Frank gave him a weird look, not really understanding what that had to do with anything, but as he walked behind the counter and through the doorway into the closet of a back room, he flipped through some of the stacked up books, not really paying attention to any of them, until he read a title in his head. He immediately tried to stifle his laughter as he stepped away from the stack of books. Obviously, this was not the type of 'forbidden' books they were looking for. Frank quickly walked out of the room, a small smile still on his face, and gestured to Gerard for them to go.

Gerard looked up at Frank at the door, and followed him out onto the street.

"Find anything?" he asked, as Frank had not told him what he found in the mysterious back room.

"Just porn," he said, smiling at Gerard. "Unless you wanna go buy 'Lord of the Cock Rings'."

Gerard snorted loudly, and almost choked to death from laughing so hard, they had to stop walking just for Gerard to compose himself in the middle of the sidewalk, and his laughter was only egged on by a woman scowling at them and covering her child's ears as they walked by.

-

It was eight thirty, and the last of the stores were closing, if they were not all closed already. Gerard and Frank were starving, and exhausted.

Frank pulled out his phone and GPS'd where their car was, and he sighed when he realized that it was miles away. They could just get a taxi back, but it was going to be such a long drive home, and there was a hotel right across the street. It would be convenient to get up bright and early tomorrow morning and continue on down the list. They'd visited about thirty stores today, Frank guessed that they'd walked about ten miles, with a bookstore about every five blocks along the way. Needless to say, Gerard gave in to his plan, he desperately needed food and sleep immediately, even though it was still relatively early.

They walked into the hotel, Frank smiling at the lady behind the desk despite feeling like his body was going to collapse. 

"Is one queen size bed okay? There's a heart health convention in our banquet hall this weekend, so we only have a few rooms left," he asked them.

"Sure, that's fine," he told her, he would honestly take anything at this point, he was so tired he couldn't even begin to worry about what Gerard would think of this, but Gerard never said anything, simply taking the room key and following Frank to their room without a complaint.

Finally getting inside, Frank pretty much collapsed onto the bed, simply closing his eyes, and relishing in the comfortable relief of being off of his feet. His leg ached a bit, but it was nothing too bad. He probably shouldn't have gone that hardcore so soon, but he really did need the exercise after his immobility in the past months.

Gerard sat beside him and took out the room service menu, before he said that he was ordering pizza. He knew what kind Frank liked already, and Frank just let Gerard do whatever, he almost fell asleep in the twenty minutes it took for the food to arrive, but the smell of melty cheese woke him up, and he and Gerard sat cross legged on their bed and ate the pizza, talking calmly about their plans for the following day. The hotel room washed a nice calmness over them, it was cool, and silent, a nice break from the loud, busy atmosphere outside. It had died down towards the end of the day, but it seemed like the whole population of New York was out shopping that day.

"God, I can't wait to sleep," Gerard said, and Frank agreed as they finished their food. He set the empty box on the table near them, and laid back against the pillows limply. He could fall asleep in a heartbeat. 

"I have to have a shower, I'm too sweaty," Gerard said, more to himself than to Frank, and pushed back his greasy, long hair, before heaving himself off of the bed and into the bathroom.

Frank almost drifted off to sleep at the lulling sound of the shower running, the constant stream of water was a calming noise in his sleepy state.

But his jeans were uncomfortable, and he knew that if he didn't get into bed right now, he never would. So he pulled himself off of the bed, pulling off his jeans, socks, and shirt, because why not, threw them onto the desk chair, and peeled back the heavy covers, before he finally got in, and pulled the covers back up, practically drinking in the heavenly feeling of the soft pillow underneath his head, and the warm sheets around him. He was drifting in a not-quite-asleep faze for a long time, his eyelids opening and closing slowly, before he noticed the harsh silence. The shower was off.

He dreamily watched out of half lidded eyes in the dim room, the only light was the soft setting sun trying to pour through the closed curtains. Gerard walked out of the shower, in only his boxers, hair still dripping wet onto his chest, and it didn't even cross Frank's mind that watching Gerard was kind of creepy, and Gerard probably thought he was asleep at the moment.

So he watched as Gerard towel dried his long, jet black hair, combing it away from his face with his fingers, the subtle contours of his chest, down to the dip in his stomach, was shadowed, contouring his body perfectly. As he turned slightly, the silvery scars were illuminated from the soft light, standing out from the broad expanse of his back. The left leg of his boxers weren't pulled down properly, the back of them folded under slightly from the dampness of his skin, showing off the curve, and soft crease of the bottom of his bum. His thighs looked strong and thick, but smooth and pale, contrasting with his toned back and ink coloured hair.

Even in his half unconscious state, Frank was a bit turned on by the sighed of an almost naked Gerard, wet hair still dripping down his back, and bare legs on display. He felt the gentle tug of arousal in the place right below your navel, and he felt the warm rush of blood in his dick, not that he intended to do anything about it. He was just going to close his eyes and go to sleep.

But before he could do that, he saw Gerard go over to the desk chair with Frank's clothes haphazardly strewn across it, and if he was not mistaken, Gerard picked up Frank's balled up t-shirt, holding it to his chest for a minute, his head falling to his chest, and his eyes closing for a second, before he put it back, and went to put the towel away.

All of a sudden, it made sense to Frank. Why his t-shirt was mysteriously in Gerard's room. Gerard fucking liked him.

Gerard fucking liked him a lot.

Gerard was fucking hugging Frank's t-shirt as if it was the next best thing, when he thought he wasn't watching, and for some reason Frank felt his heart break a little bit for Gerard. But aside from the sadness of the situation, Frank was so relieved that the feelings he had for Gerard were mutual. He liked Gerard, he wasn't denying it. He wanted to try to be friends before they became anything more, but now it was obvious that Gerard was secretly pining for Frank, but keeping that locked away among the millions of things he kept secret from him. 

Frank almost couldn't believe that someone, especially Gerard, liked him that much. Admittedly, the t-shirt thing was a little weird, but he understood why Gerard did it. He didn't want to wreck the fragile friendship that they were holding together by bringing up his feelings for him. Frank got it.

His eyes were closed now, as he heard Gerard turn out the bathroom light, and walk over to the bed, pulling back the covers and getting in, the mattress dipping in his weight, and the obvious warm presence beside him as the covers were shifted around for a bit.

Gerard breathed loudly for a second before he relaxed, welcoming the warm embrace of sleep, but what he did not expect, was the feeling of Frank rolling over and resting his head on his chest, his arm wrapped around Gerard's waist, and his leg slung over Gerard's. 

Gerard almost stopped breathing for a minute, scared that if he made the slightest movement that Frank would move away in his sleep once he realized what position he was in, but as Gerard started to breathe again, the burning in his lungs becoming too much to handle, Frank stayed just where he was and Gerard hesitantly brought his arms up and wrapped them around Frank, his mouth and nose against the top of his head. Frank's hair didn't smell that great, but Gerard didn't care because it still smelled like him, and he breathed it in as he finally let himself slip into sleep, the relaxing motion of Frank's breathing chest against his.

-

Frank and Gerard's apartment was pitch black, and silent. 

No one was home, the only sound was the faint ticking of the little clock set on top of the bookcase, the only noise breaking the silence of the empty room.

But something was happening in the empty apartment, something was moving. 

Down the hallway, in Frank's room, in his bedside table drawer, his poetry notebook was open. His poetry notebook was a very personal thing to him, no one but himself had ever read it, and he always made sure to keep it securely closed, tucked away in his drawer.

Slowly, the pages of the notebook were turning in the darkness of the drawer, flipping by slowly, one after the other, until it stopped, and the notebook lay open on a blank page.

Appearing as if murky blood had seeped from underneath the paper of the page, words slowly formed and surfaced, one after the other, almost as if rising to the foreground from the core of the book.

After the smeared, smudged letters had ceased appearing, the pages filled with poetry slowly slipped closed, the heavy cover of the notebook making the softest 'thump' deep within the drawer, and it was silent yet again.

Hidden away in Frank's most private place, the most recent entries all about his turbulent feelings towards Gerard, were dark scarlet letters, blotted and wet looking, a hideous contrast with the gentle creme of the page. It simply read,

' _The love of a watcher for a mortal is the deepest sin_.'


	11. Chapter 11

The next day, Frank and Gerard were walking around, as always, Frank leading them to the next bookstore on the way. 

Gerard was feeling much less enthusiastic about this idea than he did than yesterday morning, now that they were actually in the thick of it and it proved to be much harder than he thought, it was not enjoyable. Part of him questioned if they would really find anything in New York City. Maybe his theory was wrong, maybe they shouldn't even be looking for bookstores at all. Hell, the books could be anywhere for all he knew. But this was the most logical place to look first. And as he trailed closely behind Frank in a particularly crowded portion of the sidewalk, he really wished that they could have stayed in bed this morning, with Frank still sleeping, letting Gerard hold him protectively to his chest before he woke up and moved away before it got too awkward. But apparently that was too good to be true, so he tried to push it out of his mind and keep up with Frank, mustering up as much stamina as possible to finish their search.

Frank never said anything about the random cuddling situation last night, Gerard was too nervous to ask him about it, so he just let it be. It didn't need explaining. He wanted to cuddle with him and that was that. Of course, it wasn't that simple in Gerard's mind, but he had ample time to think about everything that it could mean as they walked for many more miles that day.

Same as yesterday, they entered and exited store after store, uncovering dusty paperbacks that everyone had forgotten about from the eighties, none of them any use to them. They were both trying to hold onto any shred of optimism that they could grasp, but it was obvious that they were running out of options, they surely could finish the list by the end of the day. By the end of today, they would know if they found anything or not, and that knowledge made them push on even harder. They didn't stop for lunch today, desperate to just get this done with. Frank wanted to go home. New York was foreign to him, and he missed the small town feel of Belleville, and his comfortable apartment with food, and his bed, and of course many less people.

Frank and Gerard stood beside each other outside of the location of the forty-first address on their list. They stood on the sidewalk simply facing the building in front of them because as far as they could tell, there was no bookstore there. They were in a less busy part of the city, with smaller, shadier businesses spread out on the streets, a run down diner here, a bar there. The building was an old printing company, that seemed to still print small, local newspapers, and there was some messy writing on the window in grease marker, stating printing rates.

This didn't seem like the type of place to sell books, and so the first thought through Frank's mind was that the business had just shut down, and this new one had taken it's place. Although, this place looked ancient, so maybe it was just a mistake. Until, Gerard pointed something out.

There was an inconspicuous wood door beside the regular glass door of the printing shop, and if anything looked shady, it was definitely that door.

"Do you think that could be it?" Gerard asked.

"I have no idea, but are you suggesting we just open it and see what's in there? It could be anything. We could be trespassing," Frank said.

"Well... yeah, but what we're looking for is a a bookstore that isn't a regular bookstore at all," he told him.

Frank looked around on the street. No one was really close to them, they could probably slip through the door without anyone really seeing. But what if what they were looking for wasn't really in there at all? He didn't know what he expected to be behind the door, but he felt like whatever it was wasn't going to be good.

"I guess we have to try. This is what we've been looking for, so..." he halfheartedly agreed, as he slowly followed Gerard to the peeling, unmarked door. The door looked like it was painted with a dull, dark green paint many years ago, now chipping heavily, revealing the bare wood underneath. Gerard reached out and turned the regular brass doorknob. It opened.

Gerard looked at Frank as he opened the door slowly, it opened out onto the street instead of inwards, and Frank's heart was pounding in his chest as what was behind it was revealed. He half expected something to jump out at them, but nothing of the sort happened. He soon saw why the door opened outwards, because with the door wide open, he could see the narrow walls were a bare, rustic brick, and immediately inside the door was a dirty cement staircase, leading downwards, the middle of the stairs seeming to dip a little as if they had been walked over for a hundred years. It looked terrifying, even though there was nothing necessarily frightening about it, the air of mystery chilled Frank down to the bone, and he clutched Gerard's wrist as he looked at him, silently questioning if he was actually going to make them go down there. 

On the wall near the top of the staircase was a carved metal sign, stating 'Xalvador's Used Bookstore' in scroll lettering.

Gerard motioned to the sign, as if that was the confirmation that they had to go down. 

"Fine, but you have to go first," Frank told him reluctantly, making Gerard enter the doorway first, and closing it behind them, as Gerard began to slowly walk down the worn out steps into the dungeon of a store. Frank held Gerard's shoulder as they went down the steep steps, with no railing in the narrow space. At the end of the steps there was a wall, with a sconce lighting the way with a flickering candle. Of course, Frank thought. Of course there's a wall there so that you don't know what you're walking into. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears and they finally reached the bottom of the steps, turning right, revealing a medium sized room with tables and shelves full of dark, dusty books, bound with leather or string. In fact, everything seemed dusty, there were no windows in the brick walled room, the only light source being the sconces providing candle light to the room. 

It looked like the room was stuck in the 19th century, there were no electronics or even electricity in sight, the books were stacked on old wooden carts, the many books bore no real labels or covers, except for the rare title carved into the thick spines. At the head of the room, was a table, most likely the 'cashier' area, in front of an open doorway leading to somewhere else. The whole place gave Frank an uneasy feeling, knowing that somewhere like this existed in modern, innovative New York. It seemed to be preserved from the past, and honestly, if there was anywhere that held what they were looking for, it was here.

"Should we look for it?" Frank was about to ask Gerard, before he was cut off by a movement in the dim doorway of the back room, and someone entered the main room. Frank and Gerard's heads snapped up as the person entered the room, a chill going up Frank's spine as he saw the person. Of course he was expecting someone to run the bookshop, but this was all just so creepy.

The man was short, shorter than Frank, but he probably wouldn't be if he stood up straight. He was a little hunched over, and had a leathery, wrinkled face, with long grey hair tufting out of his head in awkward places, as if he was halfway though balding, but not quite. He had a large hooked nose, and black eyes that shone in the dimly lit room, small and penetrating in the awkward tension of the space.

He simply stood there for a second before Gerard spoke up. Frank couldn't say anything, he was frozen in fear at this whole situation, he'd never done anything like this before, and he guessed that whatever Gerard was, whatever he had gone through before he had moved in with Frank, that he had some sort of experience with this type of thing. Frank hoped. He was starting to think that that could be true, because it seemed like Gerard wasn't nearly as freaked out as Frank was, unless he was just exceptionally well at hiding it. He hoped that Gerard really had his shit together, cause there was no way that he could deal with this on his own. He had no idea what they were looking for, or what he was allowed to say to the eerie man standing before them.

"We're looking for a specific book, I was wondering if we could look around?" Gerard asked distrustfully.

"What is it exactly that you're looking for?" The man, presumably Xalvador, asked in a quiet, gravelly voice, moving around from behind the table in front of the doorway.

"Uh, we're not exactly sure, but we might find it if we look around. Is that okay?" Gerard asked gently, not wanting to anger the man who seemed to be the only thing in between them finding the book, if it was here, which it seemed like it could be. The books had no authors, or really any titles for that matter, these weren't your run of the mill hardcovers. They were bound, and frayed, some on the verge of falling apart, and others mysteriously pristine.

"Well you won't be able to find it if you don't know what you're looking for," he said, hovering near the table, staring at Gerard, with Frank glued to his side at the other end of the room. "Tell me what you presume it's about and I can tell you where it is."

"I really would, but it's kind of a long story..." Gerard said, trailing off. Frank could tell he was uncomfortable. He was too. 

"I certainly do have the time, it isn't all that often that I get customers, as you can probably tell," he told them, prodding for more information.

"Umm..." Gerard thought. Should he tell him the truth or not? He couldn't decide whether this guy was trustable. There certainly seemed to be something odd about him, but then again, anyone who ran a secret dungeon bookstore was probably out of the norm, he guessed. "We need something talking about souls," he said, letting the words slip into the thick, stale air of the room.

"What about souls, specifically?" Xalvador asked, making slow hand gestures as he talked. He moved over to a certain shelf, seemingly unmarked with titles or genres, but then again, he probably didn't need it as it seemed like he had been here for centuries. The fact that he was asking about souls without the expected shock or questioning made Frank feel like they were definitely going to find what they were looking for.

Gerard breathed deeply, watching the man run his fingers over the thick spines of the books on the large shelf. "Infusing part of one soul into another..." he said shakily, and the man turned around to gaze at him for a long moment before he resumed movement. 

"I'm not sure we have something like that in great detail..." he mumbled, as he pulled various books forward to look at the covers, before pushing them back in the shelf and continuing on to seemingly random titles. "That's a very specific task you're looking for," he stated.

Gerard shrugged. "I guess."

Eventually, the man pulled out a fairly small black book, compared to the other giant ones, with intricate black scrolling detail over the spine. The cover read nothing, just a simple unmarked canvas front, the only detail the slightly shiny details of edge. Xalvador opened the cover, before closing it again, and turned around.

"You know, boy, messing with these types of things is a bad idea. You never know what could happen when you're tampering with the spirit," he said ominously, clutching the book.

"I'll keep that in mind," Gerard said, just wanting to get the fuck out of there. It had a weird vibe. "How much is the book?" he asked.

"Oh, we don't use traditional forms of payment here. I find that money really is not that valuable when dealing with the higher powers," he told them. "We work on a trade and barter system, like the good old days. Monetary payment destroyed the merchant class," he said bitterly.

"Okay... what can we offer you then?" Gerard asked, not liking the sound of this.

"I'd be perfectly satisfied to give you the book if in return, your friend could stay awhile," he said, gesturing to Frank. "I'm always looking for help around here, to help with the shop... master new theories," he proposed.

There was a loud clanking noise from the back room, and all of their heads turned towards it, but it stopped quickly, and they were brought back to the conversation at hand.

"No, Frank can't stay," Gerard said firmly. "Is there anything else?" he asked, starting to get the feeling that this was going to be more difficult than he'd presumed.

"Are you sure?" the man asked, stepping closer. "Not just for a short while? I'll give you the book in the meantime," he baited, now staring at Frank with an intense gleam in his eyes.

"No, that's not an option," Gerard told him, instinctively stepping a little in front of Frank. Frank was petrified of this whole situation, and hoped that he didn't have to utter a word the whole time, because he was sure that his voice would give away how frightened he was. Something about the man was unsettling. "Can't we pay you some other way?" Gerard asked.

The man shook his head. "I'm quite sure that the young man is what I need in order to give you the book. Just for a little while, it isn't that much to ask for..." he reasoned.

"What else can we give you? I'll give you anything else," he said.

The man's face grew angry, and his eyes darkened, if that was possible. "I told you, I require the boy!" he bellowed in low voice, louder than he had ever spoken before. His quiet, mumbling demeanour was gone, and his voice became booming, his body stiffening.

Frank could feel Gerard jump a bit against his body, Frank was gnawing on his lip furiously, Gerard's body rigid and threatened.

"Just give me him and the book is yours!" He shouted, and the room began to darken slightly. For a second, Frank wondered if he was blacking out, he wouldn't be surprised, but then he noticed the thick, rolling clouds of black mist seeping into the room, pouring seemingly from the man, an evil look on his face. Momentarily, Gerard didn't move, in the split second, they both watched the noxious gas, whispy and opaque plague the room. Frank stared at it in horror, backing up against the wall before it could touch his body. As the dark fog started to fill the room, Gerard made a split second decision, and turned around instantly, grabbing Frank and pushing him aggressively to the stairway. 

"Run!" He screamed, as lunged forward to grab the book. Frank didn't have the guts to stay and watch what happened. He wanted to get out of there the second they went in, and he ran towards the stairs, taking them two at a time up the steep, cement channel. He couldn't look back, all of his energy was going into pushing his body forward, blind panic washing over him as his flight instincts won over the fight, and he burst through the door at the top in a rush, pausing to look back to see if Gerard was coming. He didn't want to take off running down the street, scared that he would lose Gerard, so he stood there outside the open door, watching the black fog slowly seep up to the bottom of the stairs, creeping up quickly. 

He hoped and prayed that Gerard was coming, that whatever was going on was not going to hurt him. They shouldn't have even stayed down there that long, they should have never gone down at all, but they were desperate to get the book, and this was what they had gotten themselves into. Frank was contemplating going back down to get Gerard, as he was getting worried. He thought Gerard was right behind him, and there was no way in a million years he would just leave him here, but before he could work up the courage to descend into the choking black mist, Gerard erupted through the thick fog, running full force up the stairs, his face terrified, as he shouted, "GO!"

Frank spun around immediately and took off down the street, running as fast as he could. He ran and ran until he almost couldn't breathe, his lungs felt strangled and he paused quickly to look behind him, and thankfully Gerard was trailing behind him.

"This way," Gerard said, as he raced past him, yanking Frank's elbow along the way, almost pulling him over as Frank was forced to start running again down the street, going in a random direction, just to get away from that place. He couldn't process anything that happened, all he could think was escape, escape, escape, and it wasn't until much later, when they were many blocks away and in a much more well populated part of town, that Gerard pulled him into a shopping centre, slowing down once they got inside as to not make too much of a scene, before they walked through the crowds and found a cafe, darting inside and quickly finding a seat at the back.

They were both breathing heavily, Frank felt as if his heart was going to beat out of his chest, both from fear and the exercise, as he tried to calm down, and stared at Gerard sitting in front of him, who seemed just as shaken.

"What the hell was that?!" He asked as soon as they caught their breath. That was by far the most terrifying experience of his life.

"I don't know, but whatever he was doing wasn't good," Gerard said, trying to calm down now that they were in the safety of the coffee shop.

"Obviously," Frank said, and tried to think back over what had happened. "I can't believe we took that risk and didn't even fucking get the book," he said annoyed.

"Oh really?" Gerard asked, smiling, as he pulled just the corner of the black book out of his jacket.

"You got it!" Frank exclaimed, so relieved that they hadn't gone through that for nothing. A huge smile broke out across his face, and was almost in disbelief of Gerard that he managed to steal it. It was remarkable, and he looked across the table at him with amazement that he pulled it off.

"I couldn't fucking leave without it. It was our only chance," he said happily, tucking it back inside his jacket. They were both astonished that they had found it. Or presumed that they had found it, they hadn't actually looked through it yet, but there was no way they were doing that in public.

"Wow. That was fucking scary," Frank said, the fear starting to wash away, and the reality of what had happened setting in. "Why did he want me?" he asked.

Gerard bit his lip nervously. He knew why the man wanted Frank, but he didn't want to scare him by telling him. Some things would be best if Frank didn't know about them. There was no use scaring him with things that didn't effect them. They would never be going back to that place ever again.

"It doesn't matter, I'm just glad we got out of there safe," he said, hoping to brush over it.

"No, really, Gerard, what did he want with me?" he asked persistently, and it was clear to Gerard that he wasn't going to let up.

"Well... I'm guessing that by his 'theories', he meant that he wanted to test things on people, humans specifically. He had all of those books at his disposal, he was probably itching for people to try stuff out on. It freaked me out so much when we heard that banging from the back, that's when I first started cluing in to what was going on ," he explained.

"So when he said that I just had to stay for a little while-"

"He was lying. I would never see you again," Gerard said. Just the idea of losing Frank was traumatizing to him, and he tried to push it out of his mind. "Don't worry, I'd never let that happen though," he told Frank, as he reached across the table and took Frank's hand comfortingly. Frank's hand was small in his, Gerard's warm hand covered his, and he stroked the back of Frank's hand with his thumb, trying to push the thoughts of the dungeon out of his mind. It was over now, they never had to go back.

Frank sighed. "I really just want to go home."

Gerard nodded in agreement. "Let's go then," he said, and stood up, walking Frank out. 

Frank called a taxi, and they waited silently out on the sidewalk for it for it to show up. They were put slightly at ease by the many people milling about in the busy centre. But still, Frank stood pressed against Gerard's side, not wanting to be separated with him again. He felt like those moments they were apart were life and death, and it made him cling to Gerard even more, whether or not that was a good thing, he didn't care.

Eventually, the taxi pulled up, and Gerard and Frank slid into the backseat, Frank telling the driver the address of the parking garage his car was in, many miles away.

The drive was long in the jam packed traffic, but Frank felt safe in the small taxi. He pushed his arm underneath Gerard's, and laced their fingers together, not even caring anymore if this was more-than-friends behaviour. He was shaken up, and luckily, Gerard didn't protest at all, as he squeezed Frank's hand as reassurance that they were okay. 

Frank was so glad that this whole journey was over, and although he knew that his was only the first step in doing whatever they needed to do with Gerard, he was so thankful that this part was done with minimal damage to either of them, and on the long drive in the taxi back to his car, he simply clung on to Gerard, pressed into him as much as possible, and couldn't wait for them be in the safety of their own home yet again.


	12. Chapter 12

Frank and Gerard finally got home late that night, obviously shaken and thankful to be in the safe atmosphere of their home once again. 

They threw their jackets and shoes off, found something to eat since they hadn't all day, and collapsed on the couch side by side, simply enjoying the relaxation and comfort of home. 

Frank simply sat there eating his bowl of leftovers, until his eyes wandered to the book sitting on the coffee table in front of them. The book. 

The book that they'd been obsessed with finding for weeks now, determined on travelling to the ends of the earth to search for, and he was almost in disbelief that it sat right in front of them, with no one trying to steal it away. It was theirs now, and that freedom was both liberating and frightening. He was suddenly scared to look inside of it. He had no idea what would be in there, or even if it would help them with what they needed, but he knew that the curiosity would get to them eventually. He knew himself, and Gerard to an extent, and he was sure that even if they said they wouldn't look in it, they were guaranteed to soon enough. The old mantra of curiosity killing the cat flitted through his mind, and although he knew it was a very real possibility, he knew that people had done this before. If Gerard knew about this, then people must have done it successfully somehow in the past. 

Then his mind went to the unsettling realization that he was a very vital part of this- this wasn't just something that Gerard would have to go through, he would have to too, he was the human counterpart that this all revolved around, although he didn't want to be the reason stopping Gerard from doing this, he was still a little bit scared. Images of himself slashing his wrists open for Gerard flashed across his mind momentarily before he stopped himself from diving into the worst case scenarios of what this would entail. He just frightening himself on purpose by now.

After they were done eating in silence, similar thoughts most likely running through Gerard's mind the whole time as well, Frank looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, and Gerard looked back at him with the type of morbid curiosity that you feel when attending a funeral with an open casket. You don't want to see the dead person, lying cold and empty out before you, but as you walk by as you're supposed to bless them, you feel an overwhelming need to look, no matter how scarring you know it may be. And it's just as creepy as you thought it'd be, but for some reason your human instincts just can't help themselves, you feel an urge to learn everything available to you, no matter how damaging to your psyche it may be, and as Frank nodded silently almost out of his own control, Gerard gingerly reached forward and picked up the book, barely touching it with the tips of his fingers, ready to see what they had been chasing and obsessing over for weeks now. 

This information would make or break Gerard, if it didn't contain what they needed to turn Gerard human, or if it was so horrible that Frank was unwilling to do it, they would be stuck in this kind of knowing but not knowing purgatory, a paradox of knowledge that would eat away at them until either one of them simply couldn't take it anymore. Gerard felt like he had to tell Frank just as much as Frank was desperate to know, and Gerard's heart was once again beating hard in his chest as he was about to open the blank, tattered cover.

"Wait, can I go change first? I've been wearing these clothes for two days," Frank asked Gerard, feeling as if that was extremely important in that moment, but it was probably more out of nervousness and reluctance to find out what was in the book.

"Sure, meet you in your room," Gerard told him, and they both went to their separate bedrooms to change out of the dirty clothes they'd been walking around in for two days straight.

Frank pulled his dirty jeans and sweat smelling shirt off, putting on a clean one and pyjama pants, before getting comfortable on his bed, Gerard joining him with similar attire a few moments later.

Gerard sat on the bed and shifted close to Frank so that he could lay the book across both of their laps, and eventually opened the cover seeing as Frank looked pretty much frozen, waiting for Gerard to open it, or just do something. Gerard had to keep reminding himself that this was all so much weirder to Frank than it was to himself. Frank had taken everything so far fairly okay, even though at times it was clear how much he was freaking out inside, and Gerard noted from further on that he needed to treat all of this gently when Frank was involved. Frank would have to give a part of himself up for this, granted, Gerard didn't exactly know what part, but they were about to find out any minute now, and from now on Gerard held in the forefront of his mind that Frank merely a human. He wasn't degrading him, he felt that Frank was indescribably special, but he regarded him in a similar way that you would treat a small child, depending on you to teach them the ways of the world, like you know absolutely everything about he universe. When the kid asks you one day what 'putting a dog down' means, you tell them that it means you release them into the wild, not the ugly truth that you pay the vet to kill them. They're obviously not ready for that information yet, and Gerard looked at Frank in the same way, being gentle, holding things back, wording things nicer than they actually are, because although Frank put on a tough exterior that he was ready for all of this, the way his hands shook as Gerard opened the front cover of the book didn't lie.

The first page was a greyish color, fading into the black on the edges that was visible when the book was closed. In the middle of the first page was an small ink picture in the centre of the page. The lines looked perfect, which led Frank to think that it was from a stamp of some sort. It was a simple outline of a human form, hanging limply in the blank expanse of the page as if tugged up by an invisible string in their chest, arms and legs dangling below them, head falling back, Above their chest floated a small orb, with lines coming off of it, as if to indicate light, or something. That was all that was on the page, which made it obvious that they had found what they needed, much to Frank's terror.

Gerard flipped the page, and Frank's eyes widened at the sea of black, which when you looked closely, were lines and lines and lines of cramped, messy writing, filling the entire two pages before them. Frank looked closer to try to decipher the first few lines, and although the writing looked to be in English, the letters certainly were, it definitely was not. Frank felt a sinking in his chest all of a sudden, they had come all this way, and now they wouldn't even be able to understand the book, but as he glanced up at Gerard beside, him he saw his eyes flying across the page at a rapid rate, and it dawned on him. He could read it. He told him phrases in latin before, trying to hint at what he was and who those people were where he came from, and he settled down a bit as Gerard tried to skim across the vast of information in just the first page.

It seemed to almost be like a journal of some sorts, Gerard found out, the person that wrote this was not writing in a formal or scientific manner, they were using pronouns and referring to themselves many times, the manner of their writing was rushed and hasty, they seemed to be stressed out, as if they had a thousand things on their mind and many things to get out. 

They didn't give to many hints into their personal lives at all, but he could make out that they were talking about trying to solve a problem, one that they were working on for a very long time. This seemed to be an urgent issue for them, and as he read on and on, flipping ten, twenty pages in, all filled with the same scratched writing in splotchy ink, he eventually understood. They were tying to figure out exactly what he and Frank were. And if his prediction was correct, this was the diary of the person that discovered how to do the ritual in the first place.

He flipped through the rest of the book without reading it, just looking to see what was ahead, and halfway through he saw diagrams, and drawings showing various things. Sometimes labels of human anatomy, sometimes random patterns that he had yet to understand, sometimes lists or pictures of plants or other things.

"So?" Frank asked eagerly after he gave Gerard a couple minutes. He was desperate to find out if this would help them or not.

Gerard nodded. "Yeah, this is what we need. This seems like it's the person that discovered how to do it in the first place," he said, and Frank raised his eyebrows, now just waiting for the bombshell of what they had to do. "But I have a lot to read through, it seems like they've tried it hundreds of times, theres all this stuff about what they've tried before, and all of this experimenting. I gotta read though it all to make sure that we do it properly," he told Frank, and Frank just nodded, letting him get on with it. 

For a while, he looked at whatever page Gerard was reading, studying the few pictures or symbols present every once in a while, but still only at the start of the book, there wasn't that many interesting diagrams or breakthroughs of the author's yet, and he eventually started falling asleep seeing as he couldn't read the words anyways.

Gerard noticed when Frank's head that was on his shoulder slipped off and fell limply down his chest, before Frank was startled by it and woke up, sitting properly again. 

"Sorry, I'll go into my room and finish reading this," Gerard said, seeing as he'd been reading for two hours and still didn't come across anything particularly vital enough to tell Frank. He'd give him as many details as he could in the daytime, but so far it was mostly just discussing what the author had tried and failed at, and his various theories and planning that he'd yet to try.

It was nearing midnight, and they had had a very hectic day, Gerard was more than willing to leave and let Frank sleep, but there was no way that he was going to bed now, they'd found the jackpot of knowledge on this topic, he was reading the whole thing in one go.

"No, it's fine, you can stay," Frank said in a half asleep voice.

Gerard shook his head. "You're exhausted, i'll see you first thing in the morning," he tried to tell him.

"No, I want you to stay," Frank said, putting his arm around Gerard's middle, as if that would no doubt stop him from leaving. Frank was in a very tired state, therefore meaning lack of muscle strength, which meant that he couldn't hold Gerard onto the bed even if he wanted to, but despite this, Gerard gave in, because Frank was very literally his kryptonite, and if he wanted him to stay while he slept, he really couldn't make himself say no. 

He sighed. "Fine, just let me turn the big light out," he said, trying to make it as comfortable for Frank to sleep as possible, because he didn't want him to be completely exhausted tomorrow when they'd talk about everything that he learned from the book.

He turned the ceiling light out, going back to the bed where Frank was now laying, still half asleep and in that whiny state despite being a full grown adult. The thought made Gerard smile for seemingly no reason, as he confirmed that yes, Frank was totally the type to be whiny when he was tired, wanting everyone to take care of him. Everyone being Gerard recently, and Gerard secretly liked it, because it was a nice difference to his normal well rested self that was stubborn and wanted virtually no help from anyone, ever.

Gerard turned on the bedside table lamp to be able to read by, and pulled back the covers, which was difficult since Frank was laying on top of them, but he knew Frank wasn't moving now. Frank eventually slid his legs down into the covers, and Gerard got into the bed, putting the pillow up against the headboard, and pulling the covers up.

Frank immediately moved over to Gerard's side and practically lifted his arm up when he wasn't cooperating, shuffling closer and nestling his head into Gerard's chest, his arm around his stomach loosely. 

Gerard smiled, lucky that Frank couldn't see, and he felt absolutely ridiculous that he felt this happy that Frank more comfortable with him recently. He had to put his arm around Frank's back to hold the book open on his lap, and he shifted around a bit until he was comfortable, diving into the book describing the gory details of experiments failed, hopefully which would eventually tell them the correct ritual that would allow Gerard to finally be able to tell Frank the information that he desperately wanted to share. If this worked, if the book told them what they had to do and they went though with it, Gerard would be able to call himself a human in the near future, sharing a part of the man clinging to his chest as if he was the safest thing in the world. Gerard wished that was true, but he knew he was not, in order for them to be together (if that's what Frank wanted, he wasn't sure), they would have to do the most dangerous thing that Gerard had ever done in his life, and that was saying a lot considering everything Gerard had gone through so far. He'd done some risky shit, nothing as bad as preforming a shady soul infusion ritual that he found in some random diary hidden away in a dungeon, but enough to kick him out of where he came from, left in the middle of Jersey with nothing but the clothes on his back and one thing on his mind. 

But Gerard digressed, putting his attention back to the messy writing on the page, and the half-assed drawings of incision marks.

-

Frank awoke many hours later, the low afternoon sun shining through the window and casting a bright spot on the end of the bed. The book was laying in between them, obviously discarded after Gerard had presumably finished reading it. He was still dead asleep, Frank had no idea when he'd gone to sleep and how much rest he'd gotten, but he'd got a good twelve hours himself, and he eventually sat up, stretching his stiff body, looking back down at Gerard who lay on his back because Frank was pretty much on him the whole night. His hair was messy, and his face was so relaxed. He looked like the picture of beauty, because it was effortless. He wasn't even conscious, but the way his thick eyelashes rested upon his cheeks, and his lips were just a little parted made Frank want to lean down and kiss him as lightly as possible. Just a butterfly touch, enough for his lips to graze across Gerard's and disappear again. 

But Frank snapped himself out of it. He was always so relaxed in the mornings, and told himself that watching and thinking about kissing his sleeping roommate was just a little too creepy, so he made himself get out of bed quietly, and go into the kitchen to make some coffee. 

As he began to wake up, he was more than desperate to find out what Gerard had learned last night, and if they could do whatever the ritual entailed. 

He was like a little kid on Christmas or something, he sat at the kitchen counter excitedly, forcing himself to just stay there and drink his coffee, excited and waiting for Gerard to wake up and tell him all about the mysterious book that would dictate their future and alter their present.

-

Gerard woke up sometime later, just laying there, breathing, and feeling the half-asleep calmness that always took a long time to dissipate in the morning, when an astonishing clarity was thrust upon him all at once, like a sword stabbing into his gut as he recalled the information that he had acquired last night.

And he had to tell Frank. He had to tell it all. 

He winced, the initial reaction of remembering slowing down as the information slowly seeped into the consciousness of his mind, he didn't want to have to tell Frank these things, these things made Gerard want to tell him to forget the whole thing, and even though he knew it might be something dangerous like this, deep down he was scared too, because asking this of Frank was too much. It was so much that he half doubted he would even still want to do it.

In the other room, Frank grew impatient. It was one pm, and he was so antsy that he thought he'd just go check up on Gerard, see if he was still sleeping, and grab some regular clothes while he was in there if he had still not woken up.

But when Frank entered the room, Gerard was totally awake and just laying there staring off into space, seemingly unaware of how the anticipation was killing Frank.

"How long have you been up?" Frank asked him, and crawled onto the bed, sitting facing him.

Gerard pushed himself up against the headboard, pushing his hair back, "Not long," he said, knowing that Frank was eager to find everything out. He really did not want to tell him, but he knew he had no choice. Frank would make him, and rightfully so.

"So???????..." Frank asked him, the fifty question marks clear in both his tone, and his expression.

Gerard sighed deeply, wondering where to begin. This all felt exactly like the day when Frank made him spill everything that he could, after the thing at the church. Maybe this felt worse, he pondered.

"First of all, I just want to say, that yes, the book described how to do the ritual, at the very end of it. They whole book was pretty much them trying it over and over until they did find the thing that worked, which is good I guess because we know exactly what NOT to do, but the actual ritual..." Gerard paused, looking away. "I've heard a lot about these things, and it's a lot worse than I thought it would be, i'll just say that. Maybe that was just me being optimistic, but Frank, it's fucking scary. So I want you to know that I am in no way making you do this, okay?" He told him firmly, looking at Frank's worried gaze.

"Alright," Frank nodded. He had no idea what he was about to hear, but Gerard looked... for a lack of a better word, traumatized.

"So," he bit his lip, "Um..." he tried, swallowing dryly.

Frank reached over and held his hand, wondering if that was the right thing to do. Gerard didn't pull his away, so he assumed it was fine.

"First, we would have to have a large empty space. We'd have to draw the symbol on the floor- it's in the book. Then we'd have to get a few things. The four elements have to be present, earth, water, wind, and fire, which we could gather. We'd also need sage to burn, because burning sage fights off bad spirits, and it can protect the environment that we do the ritual in. When we're doing the transfer, if we did it," he stressed, "my soul would be open for any spirit to just go in there, so that's why it's really important that we have the sage so that only your and my soul would be present. And then... that's where the dangerous part comes in," he paused.

Frank nodded, pushing him to go on. Gerard closed his eyes and took another breath. Frank squeezed his hand to let him know that they weren't actually doing it right now. Gerard wished that Frank could just read it in the book for himself because he really didn't want to even describe it, but he had to. The least he had to do was tell Frank what he'd read.

"Um... We'd need something sharp. Like... a knife or something. They say a surgical scalpel, but I don't think we'd be able to find one..." he trailed off, now reaching for the book. He flipped through it for a second before holding it open on a page and handing it to Frank, a large diagram covering he page. On it was an eagle's eye view of a detailed symbol, which in the middle laid a man, shirtless. His chest was cut open widely.

"You'd have to read something out of the book, they have the whole thing written out in the back. It's some sort of chant, you don't actually have to be able to understand it for it to work, I'm sure. And then... then you'd have to do what they did in the picture. You'd have to cut my chest open like they did in the diagram, right in the middle, because that's where your solar plexus is, where your soul resides, even though you can't see it. And..." Gerard struggled to go on, but he'd gone this far. His eyes were starting to tear up even though they were merely sitting on Frank's bed in their pyjamas. They were perfectly safe, but even the thought of doing this was getting to Gerard.

"And then you would have to cut your wrist open, or anywhere really, but somewhere convenient that you could press into the wound. But obviously be super certain that you're not doing it too deep. The last thing we'd need is for you to bleed out, and die because of me," he said harshly. "It has to be enough blood that it would get into my blood stream, and blood types don't matter since at this point I wouldn't be human yet. Then after that you'd have to pour holy water into my chest, to destroy the soul that I have now, being replaced by some of yours. Since I was banished from that place, anything to do with the church repels me, so by pouring the holy water right into my soul... well, it would burn it out completely," he told Frank.

"But how do we know that that won't kill you?" he asked, unsure of this all.

"Because by doing the ritual, we're ensuring that part of you is transferred into me. Even though you won't really know it, part of your soul will go into me. I'll be a vacant body then, and it's the universe's way of keeping me alive, if the conditions are right. You should still be fine after, but, we'll be tied together, figuratively," he said, and Frank was left to absorb all of this information. The harsh act that they could choose to do. On one hand he wanted to do it because of the benefits that it reaped, but on the other weighed the way that it had to be done. Bloodily, violently, he shuddered thinking of having to slice Gerard open, his life literally in his hands as he would have to carry the ritual out.

"We don't have to do it, Frank," Gerard said, shaking his head. "I know it's so fucking much to ask, and I almost don't even want you to do it at all. I don't want you to have to risk this," Gerard said, overcome with emotion, the first tears falling.

"Hey," Frank said, moving closer to Gerard. "it's okay, we don't have to do it," he told him, moving his hand up to hold Gerard's now sobbing face. Gerard was working himself up, making the choppy, wet sounding breaths that led to hyperventilation.

"I know, but you're gonna say that you want to," Gerard choked out through his wracked breaths.

Frank didn't reply because it was kind of true. "Shhh," he whispered, not knowing what else to do but to try to soothe Gerard, pushing the gory image that was detailed in the book away.

He pushed Gerard's hair back from his face, and wiped his tears away with his thumbs when Gerard was just letting them fall down, dripping slowly onto his t-shirt.

Gerard simply stared off worriedly, not really looking at Frank, as just the sight of him made a stabbing jolt of guilt coarse through his body. He didn't want Frank to do this, to put himself at risk for Gerard.

"I know that this really isn't what you want to hear right now, but I want to do it. And I know that you're scared, and this is kind of terrifying, but if it means that you can finally tell me everything, if it'll fix-" he cut himself off, not daring to utter where his thought path was going out lead. "I'd do this for you," he told him, and leant in so that their foreheads were pressed together.

"...Frank..." Gerard whispered in the tiny space between their faces. He couldn't think of anything else to say. He wanted to ask so much. Like why would he ever want to do this? What about him made him so special? Was he crazy? What if he died? What if Frank died? His head started to spin at the thought of the last one, but he hastily shoved that all out of the way as he leaned forward all a sudden and smashed their lips together with a passion that conveyed how he felt much better than a thousand unanswered questions ever could. 

Frank was startled at first, but Gerard reached up and tangled his hands into the back of Frank's long hair, holding him in place, and soon enough he didn't really need to as Frank was pushing more into him, moving his lips and his whole body in a way that felt just right, Gerard kissing him back fiercely with a fervour that showed his feelings for the smaller man, kissing and sucking against his lips.

Frank leant down so much that Gerard was leaning against the headboard once again, Frank's hand moving comfortingly up and down his hip underneath his t-shirt. Gerard eventually pushed his tongue tentatively between Frank's lips, caressing his mouth and rubbing against him with a calm passion that he never wanted to end. 

His worries about the book and everything it encompassed were pushed away temporarily as he let himself enjoy the feeling of Frank on top of him, the taste of his skin and the scent of hazelnut coffee.

He lost himself in the kiss, in the best way possible, and relished in the soft suction of Frank's lips, sliding his hand to rub circles into his warm back.

But as they let themselves forget the rest of the world, and get lost in each other for at least a moment, they were rudely interrupted, and they broke apart all of a sudden, as they heard a weird movement from inside Frank's bedside table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I was listening to my old iPod on shuffle while writing this, and a song came on that described this story PERFECTLY, and like every lyric was perfect, if by any chance you wanna listen to it, it's The Only Reason by Puddle of Mudd. I don't know, it's totally random, but they kept mentioning souls, and it seemed exactly like Frank and Gerard's 'relationship' in the story. :)


	13. Chapter 13

Frank was in an awkward hovering position over Gerard, just having broken away from their comforting kiss, still half entangled in his body. Gerard was looking over at the familiar bedside table that sat merely a foot away from them, looking utterly mundane with the soft light of the lamp illuminating their corner of the room.

Frank and Gerard must have stared at it for a good two minutes, until they presumed that it was just something outside, or the pipes maybe, and Frank was just about to lean in to kiss Gerard again after the odd interruption, until a very distinct rustling sounded again, and not from outside this time, as their ears were straining for any noise after the first sound. It was clearly coming from inside the bedside table right beside them.

Gerard’s eyes grew wide at the second noise, and they looked over again in the silence that followed the noise, now definitely abandoning their rare kissing exploration, the moment had come and gone, and Frank was growing concerned quite quickly despite how dumb it seemed.

It could maybe just be a mouse, he thought, although the thought of a rodent living in his apartment almost frightened him just as much as any other suspicious theory, but it was certainly the most plausible of outcomes, and despite how tough he wanted to seem, he leaned back away from the table beside them, almost onto the other side of the bed completely, and just looked back and forth from Gerard to the table.

Gerard looked at him questioningly. What the hell was that? But it was clear that Frank wasn’t running over to investigate, so after quite a few minutes of weird glances and stares at the drawers, Gerard finally reached over to the top drawer, pulling it open slowly, feeling an odd rush of anticipation for whatever was inside, and finally as the drawer was opened completely, Gerard’s breathing returned to normal at the anti-climactic result of a simple notebook sitting in the drawer. It was just a notebook, so where else could the noise have come from if not from inside the drawer, he questioned to himself, as he reached in and pulled out the notebook, setting it on the bed in between them before closing the drawer.

“There’s just a notebook in there,” he said to Frank, not understanding what was going on. Both he and Frank had heard it so it must have come from somewhere.

But he did not expect the reaction that he would get from Frank by setting the plain notebook in between them, Frank almost gasped, and looked at Gerard with wide eyes, before he snatched up the notebook and held it protectively.

Gerard cocked his eyebrow at Frank. What was going on? “What is that?” he asked.

“Nothing, just a notebook,” Frank said, his body language giving away the fact that this was not a nonchalant affair to him.

“Is that your journal?” Gerard asked him, now smiling. That must be why Frank was acting so weird at Gerard’s discovery of the notebook.

“No,” Frank assured him firmly.

“So then what is it?” he prodded, momentarily forgetting the investigation of the weird noise.

“It’s nothing, can you just drop it?” he pleaded Gerard. Although he never mentioned Gerard’s name in any of his poems, it was shamefully obvious that the majority of them were about the man across from him.

“Why?” he asked, moving closer to Frank, causing him to place his hands tightly over the book, in case of the off chance that Gerard tried to grab it.

“Gerard, you don’t even have the leverage to be interrogating me about this. You know that like ninety-nine percent of our friendship revolves around the countless secrets that you’re keeping from me?” he shot back. 

“Frank,” Gerard said, after taking a deep breath, using the same tone with him as he had used with Gerard. “That’s not fair, you know that I’m unable to tell you those things. We were just talking about that very issue twenty minutes ago if you don’t recall.” Gerard had really gotten used of arguing with Frank in the past month. Not in a negative way though, relationships were bound to have disagreements sometimes, especially in the unconventional one that Gerard and Frank had, that didn’t necessarily fit into any particular label at all. They didn’t need a label, though. They were just Gerard and Frank, whatever that entailed at any given moment in time. Their arguments were minor, and definitely not as traumatizing as the very first argument they had, screaming in Frank’s bedroom doorway the day after they’d kissed for the first time. Gerard had soon learned to approach situations like these with a calm tone, even if he was not feeling calm inside, and persuading Frank of his argument using facts, not emotions. Frank did well with facts, he was a lawyer after all. 

Frank did recall, although admittedly the short lived make out session afterwards had momentarily made him forget about the traumatizing situation at hand. The ritual.

But he pushed it out of his mind for now. “I don’t have to tell you what’s in the notebook. It’s personal, and that’s it,” he told him.

“Fine,” Gerard said, giving up his streak of curiosity. He didn’t want to pry too much and actually make Frank mad with him. He was simultaneously the only thing that got his mind off of the ritual, as well as remind him of it the very second he walked in the room. Gerard figured the closer he was to Frank, the easier it was to forget about it all, but that was something that he kept to himself. He guessed maybe Frank had wrote similar things in his notebook, but it seemed like he would never know.

Gerard got up off of the bed, their conversation obviously over, the noise forgotten, it hadn’t sounded in a long time, and Gerard left to go change out of his pyjamas.

When Gerard was out of the room, Frank glanced down to the familiar notebook, thinking about all that he had written in it, thankful that Gerard had not found out. That would be really embarrassing, having Gerard really know how much he was on Frank’s mind. How tortured Frank was at times with the state of their ‘relationship’, how Frank really felt about him, and what he dreamed of at night.

Thinking about all of this, he flipped through the pages of the notebook, finding where the ones about Gerard had started, and he scanned his eyes over the various pages about him, spreading over a few months. He didn’t pause to read them in detail, his eyes just flitted over some random words here and there. He had written these poems, he knew what they were about inside and out, and one or two simple lines brought back exactly what he was feeling at that time, until he moved to the next one. Anger, longing, lust, loneliness, sorrow.

He wasn’t thinking that much as he casually turned the pages of the book, and simply neglected to notice that he flipped the page of the last poem he’d written, which was probably a week ago. The page turned over, and he saw something shockingly unfamiliar.

He blinked a few times, trying to focus his eyes.

His heart froze still, his breath halting in his throat. The book laid loosely in his open palms, the soft leather cover seeming too innocent for what was hidden inside of it. In Frank’s most personal place, was hidden a horrible secret. A secret that he did not put there, and it felt like the most pure form of violation, gashed across the delicate ivory paper, were twelve words, smeared in a grimy crimson that had dried, as if it had been there for quite some time.

He stared in utter shock at it for a few moments, before he picked it up reluctantly, (he did not even want to touch it now, his own little safe haven now massacred by the message), and rushed into Gerard’s room. Gerard was facing away from him, shirtless, but with clean jeans on, just standing in front of the closet. He turned around casually as he heard Frank come in- his door was not shut completely, but enough that Frank should have knocked. Not that he was really that bothered, though.

Frank dropped the notebook onto Gerard’s bed immediately and practically backed up against the wall, looking from Gerard to the notebook, and back again, not even sure what to tell him. It seemed as though just the presence of Gerard had brought things into his life that he’d never thought possible, both good and bad. This was definitely one of the bad ones.

Gerard noticed his weird stance, and the notebook lying open on his bed. Thinking that Frank had changed his mind about hiding whatever was in the notebook from Gerard, he simply walked over to the book, picking it up, before his eyes fell upon the words haphazardly smudged across it.

He didn’t know what to think, he just stared at the words for a long time, looking up at Frank against the farthest wall, looking more frightened than ever. He really looked small right then, pushing himself into the corner, staring at Gerard worriedly.

“Did you write this?” Gerard asked hesitantly. He didn’t really think that Frank did. If actually had though, it would be shocking to Gerard, to put it lightly. It would crush him, if that’s what Frank really thought of them.

Frank opened his mouth many times, screechy noises coming out, as phases of many different emotions passed across his face in a matter of seconds. “Of course not, what the fuck?!” He said defensively.

“Okay, okay,” Gerard told him, trying to calm him down, but he felt himself growing more weary as the fact that Frank had indeed not written this settled into his mind. Frank’s notebook was in his room, hidden away in his drawer, with only him to know where it was, and he did not write this.

He threw the notebook onto the bed, not even wanting to touch it anymore. Sighing, he ran his fingers though his hair, realizing what this must mean.

It must mean that they were watching them. The ‘protectors of the souls’.

“Fuck,” he stated, as the realization washed over him, and the connotations it left.

“What? What the fuck is that?!” Frank asked hurriedly, still glancing cautiously to the notebook every once in a while, half expecting it to disintegrate at any moment or something by this point. He’d like to say he wouldn’t be surprised, although that probably wasn’t true.

“Fuck them. Fuck them,” Gerard said out loud, as he walked over to Frank and cautiously took his hand, trying to pull him out of the room.

But Frank wasn’t moving. He demanded to know what was going on, and what the message meant. “No, tell me!” he said, trying to back further into the corner.

“I will! I just wanna get away from the notebook, just come here,” he told him, pulling his hand again, and Frank reluctantly followed him, as Gerard led him into the living room.

He sighed as they sat down on the couch. Frank sat sideways so that he was facing Gerard, and pulled his knees up to his chest. He watched Gerard’s features, how his lips were pressed in a tight lines, his eyebrows scrunched just a little bit, He couldn’t stop messing with his hair.

“Just stop,” Frank said quietly, pulling his hand away from raking through his hair roughly. He left his hand resting on Gerard’s wrist on the top of his leg.

“They’re watching us,” Gerard finally told him.

“‘They’ as in… ?” 

“The ‘they’ we’re always talking about. The ‘they’ I left.”

“And why are they watching us?” Frank asked, the initial fright only intensifying.

“Because even though I was kicked out, I’m still one of them. And I always will be unless we decided to… you know,” he said, not really wanting to bring up the sensitive subject that was the ritual.

“But why would they still care? If they kicked you out… doesn’t that mean they don’t give a shit anymore?”

Gerard sighed. “Yes, and no. They don’t give a shit about me, but they’re forced to. I’m not allowed to be there still, but they’re required to make sure that I don’t break other rules outside of there.”

Frank shook his head. “You already broke the rules already though, with whatever you did to get kicked out. Shouldn’t that give you freedom to just do whatever you want now?”

“No. I wish it worked like that, but if it was, everyone there would break the rules to be free of them and find their way here. In the ‘real world’. But the only thing stopping the vast majority of them is the fact that even if they’re kicked out of that place, they’re still not free. We’re never free.”

“Unless you do the ritual,” Frank noted.

“Yeah, they wouldn’t be able to do anything if I was human,” Gerard said. “I’m just so freaked out at what the message could mean.”

“The love of a watcher for a mortal is the deepest sin,” Frank recited. It was practically burned into his memory. “That seems like… it’s talking about me and you,” he said cautiously.

“Well, of course it’s talking about me and you,” Gerard said, meeting his eyes. “But the threat is there. They’re reminding us that it’s a sin. But they’re not saying what the consequence is. Which leads me to believe…” he trailed off.

“That what’s a sin?” Frank asked.

Gerard swallowed, hesitating. “Frankie,” he whispered.

Frank stared back at him for a long time, he could see the pleading expression in Gerard’s eyes, begging for him to not have to say it.

“We kissed,” Frank uttered, not even a whisper.

Gerard nodded microscopically.

“Us.”

Gerard put his fingers in between Frank’s. He wasn’t looking at him anymore.

“What’s gonna happen?” Frank asked weakly.

Frank felt Gerard squeeze his fingers, and noticed a tear fall down onto his jeans, making a tiny darkened spot near their hands.

“Tell me,” he uttered. He thought he may have a clue, but the last thing he wanted to do was say it. He knew Gerard didn’t want to say it either, but he couldn’t be sure.

Gerard sniffled. “I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” Frank said, leaning forward and pressing his forehead to the side of Gerard’s face. His hair was soft and comforting, he felt his cheek against his nose.

Frank felt Gerard turn his head, burying his face in the nape of Frank’s neck. He clutched at Frank’s side, and he felt the cold droplets of his tears slide down his collarbone slowly. All Frank could do was try to hug him at their awkward angle. He stared blankly behind Gerard, the warm breath against his neck the only comforting aspect of the whole situation.

Gerard spoke, and Frank felt his lips move against his wet neck, he felt the slide of skin on skin as the syllables were uttered. It would have felt nice if not for the words, and the meaning they held.

“They’ll kill you.”

Frank crushed his eyes shut, and tried to not his own tears fall. One of them needed to be the strong one, and Gerard had obviously crumbled under the weight of the role today. Today was a lot.

“So what does that mean?” he asked in a ragged voice.

Gerard pulled back, wiping his face, and looking down at his hands again in a defeated manner.

“That I have to be human. We can't...” Gerard didn't really know how to word this. But he had to. "We can't be together otherwise," he said, almost feeling like the words were a leap of faith. This was the first time either of them had dared to say anything about the underlying feelings between them.

Frank sighed, knowing what that meant. “Either we take the chance of seeing if they kill me, for whatever reason. Because they think we’re a sin, together,” he said, shaking his head. “or we do the ritual to make you human, risking both of our lives.”

“Yeah.”

Frank just closed his eyes. He wanted to scream ‘why’, but he was so emotionally exhausted from the past few weeks, the past few months even, that all he felt was an echoing sort of blankness inside of him. He felt as though any emotion that crossed his heart echoed and bounced off of the walls, holding no solidity, until they faded away again. He was a void, that you put all of your bad things in so that they would disappear, never to be seen again.

It made him remember when he was fourteen, and going through a growth spurt, and he could eat and eat and eat, it was like he could never really get full. His mother joked that he had a hole in his toe that all of the food fell out of, that’s why he was so hungry all the time. He almost smiled at the memory, until he remembered the seriousness of the situation.

The traitorous notebook in the other room. The likeliness of death looming above them more heavily than ever before.

“I guess we have to do the ritual then,” he said, defeated. “Because I’d rather take the chance of making you human so that we could both be fine, rather than waiting for the rest of my life, if…” He said, not having to go on.

Gerard let out heavy breath and nodded.

Frank and him sat in silence for a long time. Thinking.

Frank’s mind eventually travelled back around to the notebook. He felt uncomfortable with it sitting just in the other room. “Wanna get rid of the notebook?” he asked Gerard.

“It’s not gonna make a difference, but if it’ll make you feel better,” he told him.

“Yeah,” Frank said, feeling the need to destroy.

He got up and retrieved it from the bedroom, dropping it limply on the coffee table. He glared at it as if it was the reason for all of this. It was only the vessel to carry the message, but the symbolism was there. If you couldn’t kill the messenger, kill the message.

He picked up the notebook and walked into the kitchen with it, throwing it into the sink. Gerard followed him over, leery about what he was going to do.

Frank got the lighter off of the kitchen table, and went back to the sink, taking one last look at his confessional.

He lit the corner, and the flame slowly spread, eating away at the pages slowly like a disease. Frank just stared at the mesmerizing destruction, his every hope and fear being wiped away, vanishing forever.

The lines and lines of poetry, in Frank’s messy, emotion fuelled writing, blackened one by one, each syllable disappearing from the page, as Frank’s words were slowly unwritten.

Frank watched his life since fifteen burn into ashes in his dirty kitchen sink, the menacing flames eventually vanishing, leaving only the specks of ash that used to be Frank’s prayers, and his vulnerabilities, and his secrets, to stick to the moisture in the bottom of the sink.

And in one action, Gerard turned on the tap, and they were washed away.


	14. Chapter 14

They were actually doing this.

They thought it'd be better for them to do it sooner rather than later in order to minimize the risk of something happening to Frank before the ritual could be done.

Frank almost couldn't believe that they were going through with this so soon, but here he was, standing in his empty living room, while Gerard sat on the couch pushed up into the corner, making a list of things that he needed to get.

The rug and coffee table were pushed against the opposite wall, leaving a large open space of wooden floor for them to carry out the ceremony. Once all of the furniture was gone, the space looked a lot bigger, and Frank hoped the flooring wouldn't get wrecked by doing this. He didn't know exactly what it entailed, but surely a pentagram or blood stains would be hard to explain to the landlady.

"Okay, I'll be back in a bit," Gerard told Frank, having figured out all that they didn't have, and he put on his shoes and jacket, setting out to find all of the items. Some of which included sage, charcoal, candles, matches, disinfectant (if it worked, the last thing Gerard needed was to die from an unexplainable infected chest incision), razors of some sort, surgical needles and thread, and more. "Oh, I almost forgot, you have to get the holy water," he told Frank, as they obviously didn't need another church incident all over again.

"How?" Frank asked quickly, as Gerard was halfway out the door. Gerard paused and leaned back in the doorway. 

"Church, obviously."

"But, what, I just take it?" He asked.

"Yeah, bring a little container with you. Try to look inconspicuous. Maybe change," he told him, looking Frank up and down. "But anyone's allowed to take holy water as long as they're using it with good intentions."

Frank smiled. "We're not exactly using it for good intentions," he said, running his hands through his greasy hair. Yeah, Gerard was right. He should probably try to look a little less like druggie before going in a church. Though he was probably screwed already with the piercings and tattoos.

"It's called lying," Gerard said with a smile, and closed the door behind him, leaving Frank with his task at hand. He knew that he had little to do compared to Gerard, who would probably have to scour the city to find all of the items on the list, but still, he felt a little leery just walking into a church. It was never really his thing.

He showered, and put on nice jeans and a plain shirt, as his Black Flag shirt with the picture of a guy who murdered his family, and then himself, was probably not a good idea.

He grabbed a little plastic bottle, and then made his way to the nearest church, the one where the incident happened at, because that was the only one that he knew of in the area, and for the first time in his life, he ascended up the many steps of the grand building, feeling a little nervous as he pulled open the heavy door, and entered the lobby. There was no one around, as far as he could tell, but it was open to the public, mass had finished long ago.

The lights were on, and he went into the main part of the church, with row upon row of wooden pews, giant stained glass windows on one side letting the light pour in. He walked to the basin containing the holy water at the front of the room, dipping the little container in it, before closing the lid and putting it back in his pocket. For some reason, he sat down in one of the pews, and just looked at the intricate carved cross in marble at the front of the room.

He'd never prayed before, but if there was ever a time when he should, it was probably now. He didn't really know what to do, so he just closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 'God,' he said in his head, 'I know I've never really talked to you before, and I get that this is probably a too little too late situation, but... I just need to know if Gerard will be okay. I care about him so much, it would kill me if anything happened to him, and all because of me, because I was too selfish to just let it be. I know that you probably don't approve of what we're doing, but what's my other options? Wait until those people kill me for being with Gerard? I know that I may be selfish, but I want both of us, not either or. And this seems like the only way to do it, even though it's risky. And terrifying..' he paused. 'But please, I've never asked anything of you before, and that just proves my desperation over this. I'm praying to a god that I may or may not believe in, all for him. For all I know I'm talking to myself, but maybe this is therapeutic to pretend like somebody else other than me cares. That this isn't all on my shoulders, because in just a few hours we're gonna be doing this, and I have no idea if this'll save us or break us. ...Anyways, please just take care of him, because if I lost him... I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I care about him more than anyone else in the world, all I want is for him to be okay.'

Frank opened his eyes. "Amen," he whispered into the empty church, but the silence made him feel more alone than ever. He didn't understand how people could devote their lives to a religion where you give and give and give to a god, and never really get anything back. No confirmation, no acknowledgement that you were even heard, nothing. Guess that's why they call it faith. You just have to believe that you're being listened to, that all of your hours of prayer and service are worth something. Frank understood that he was just the type of person that needed something back. He needed that gratification of being heard, he couldn't stand being alone, and he could never handle suffering in silence, contemplating whether there was anybody out there that cared. That's why he needed this to work. He needed Gerard more than ever, and as he felt the bottle in his jeans pocket, he determinedly walked out of the church, preparing himself to preform the ceremony in just a few hours time. In a few hours, he'd be cutting open Gerard, giving him a part of his soul. There was no going back now, not that he ever would. This was do or die, save or parish. 

And as he got back in his car, driving back through the intersection where he got hit, he couldn't help but think this was all some sort of twisted tale of fate. So many bad things had happened to both of them, but they all needed to happen for them to have each other. If Frank knew that Gerard would be the outcome of him getting hit by a car, he probably would have jumped in front of moving traffic long ago, just for them to be together sooner.

-

Frank was at home for a long time, before Gerard finally came home, shopping bags in hand. He looked tired, and Frank greeted him, taking the bags out of his hands, letting him take off his jacket and shoes, as Frank began taking everything out and setting it on the floor. It looked like a very strange combination of items, when they were all piled together.

Once it was all laid out, Gerard and him wordlessly started setting up. "You wanna do the charcoal?" he asked Frank, and he sighed, nodding.

Frank grabbed the book off of the coffee table, opening it to one of the bookmarked pages, which showed the pattern that needed to be drawn on the floor. It was more complicated than a simple pentagram, there were more horizontal lines, creating small triangles around the edges where candles were supposed to be placed.

Frank got some pieces of charcoal from the bag, and knelt on the floor, starting to draw the large circle first in the middle of his living room. He shook his head, knowing that this was probably gonna wreck his floor, but Gerard was obviously more important than his hardwood. It was nothing a decorative rug couldn't handle. The next owners would probably have a heart attack when and if Frank ever moved out, though, if they decided to redecorate.

While Frank was concentrating on that, Gerard got the bag of fresh sage, and took it to the kitchen, along with the pestle and mortar he bought. He put the sage in, grinding it up, and then added more, trying to crush all of it. Once that was done, he set it by the matches in the living room, and then started setting up the many candles, lighting them one by one. They had maybe forty or fifty small tea light candles, and when Frank was finally done drawing the complicated pattern on the floor, he helped Gerard finish lighting them, and placed them in the proper spots along the edge of the ritual area, and then scattered the rest a good distance away from them. Frank grabbed the rest of the stuff and started organizing it on the side so that he knew where everything was later. 

He picked up these little silver rectangular packages, trying to figure out what they were, before he realized they were disposable scalpels. 'How the fuck could you just buy that at a drugstore?', he asked himself, and tried not to think about what they would be using them for, as he set them beside the rest of their supplies, the holy water, needles, thread, towel, and book, among other things nearby.

Gerard took a deep breath across the room, not really wanting to do this right now, but he knew that they had to. He'd never be ready, so they may as well just do it before they wait too long, and Frank is taken from him, all because they hesitated. He closed the curtains on the one window in the living room, causing the room to only be lit by the dim glow of the many small candles scattered around. Gerard knelt down and lit a match, dropping it into the sage, and let it start burning, before he stood up, and let the smoke fade into the room. He made sure to walk into every corner of the room, letting the smoke seep into all the small crevices, casting a protection around them. Once he was sure that he'd gotten the room saged as much as possible, he set it on the coffee table, letting it smoke away until it burnt out, before he sat down in front of Frank.

Everything was ready. 

They were silent, knowing that there was nothing left to do, and there was nothing more that Frank wanted to do than savour this last moment that they had before they started.

He shuffled closer to Gerard, noticing how the soft light of the room almost seemed romantic, if he wasn't aware that it was for a risky soul replacing ritual that could possible kill both of them, it would have been nice. He sat right in front of Gerard, looking at him, before reaching up and tucking his long dark hair behind his ear. Gerard smiled slightly. His hand lingered there, on his cheek, and soon enough, he was slowly moving in, the space between their mouths getting smaller and smaller until they finally touched, Gerard's supple lips being the only comforting thing about the room. Frank moved his lips extremely slowly against Gerard's, simply trying to take in every moment of this, he tried his hardest to burn it into his memory, his warmth, how his hands felt against his side, his lips literally tasted bittersweet.

Frank moved more into him, until Gerard eventually sat back, and Frank knelt in between his legs, as close as he could get to him. Frank's thighs were underneath Gerard's, and he pulled his waist into him, causing Gerard to wrap his arms around Frank's small body, eventually meeting their tongues together, rubbing against one another like they were desperate to touch. Frank pushed his fingers into Gerard's thick hair, pressing the back of his head gently against his own, smoothly moving his mouth to suck on Gerard's lower lip. 

He wanted Gerard. Now that they were facing death, the fact that either of them could possibly not survive this, made his inhibitions disappear, and he began to slowly move his hips against Gerard's crotch pressed against his.

Gerard broke the kiss, leaning back just a fraction. He shook his head, and reached up, holding Frank's face in both of his hands, meeting his eyes. He knew what Frank was thinking. And trust him, he wanted it too, more than ever, but they couldn't.

"Frankie," he whispered. He didn't want to break his heart, but if that message was left in Frank's notebook after they'd just been kissing, he didn't want to know what would happen if they had sex. He was scared he would lose Frank, by taking that risk.

Gerard noticed Frank's eyes glistening from the low flickering of the nearby candles. "I'm sorry," he whispered to him, pushing his forehead against Frank's. "I want to too, but we can't. You know that."

Frank nodded, even though he didn't want to. He tried to not let the tears fall. "I'm scared. I don't wanna lose you," he said, and Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank again, holding him as close as humanly possible, he hugged him so tight that he hoped it conveyed to Frank how much he didn't want to lose him too. Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's neck, burying his face into his neck, his hair against his face. They just stayed like that for a long while, drinking in the feeling of each other, Gerard felt like the feeling of Frank's face pressed against his neck was the most heavenly thing in the world, and he truly never wanted to let him go.

Frank actually started crying then, Gerard could feel the little heaves of his lungs expanding irregularly against him, as he cried quietly into his hair. Gerard was his best friend, who he also kind of loved, but he didn't want to say that, to jinx it or anything. Instead, he pressed kisses to Gerard's neck, little wet kisses that made Gerard melt inside, as he leant his head against Frank's.

Frank reluctantly pulled away slightly, wiping his face. He smiled at Gerard, who gazed at him with sad eyes. Frank tucked his own hair behind his ears, taking a second to breathe. "You know, my notebook? I wrote poems. That's what it was," he swallowed. "Most of them were about you," he said, before he brought his hands to the hem of Gerard's shirt, pulling it up.

Gerard furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief. Did Frank really have to tell him that right now? "You're gonna make me cry," he told him honestly, and Frank just smiled again, despite the situation.

"Good," he whispered.

Gerard lifted his arms up, helping Frank pull off his shirt. Frank threw it into the corner, and ran his hands over Gerard's chest. moving in to kiss him again. 

Finally, Gerard made himself pull away, as it would be easy for them to just keep kissing, keep stalling until the sun came up, and they decided to do it tomorrow, or the next day. "Are you ready?" he asked quietly.

Frank sighed. "As I'll ever be," he told him, and let Gerard go as he stood up, stepping into the centre of the pattern, laying down in the middle. Frank got up also, being careful to step over the ring of candles on the outside, and knelt beside Gerard, his supplies ready beside him already. He looked up at Gerard's face. There were a few tears streaming out of the corners of his eyes, running down towards his ears.

Frank made a pained face. This fucking hurt.

Gerard looked up at him, and reached for his hand, holding it to his chest. "Frankie, just..." he whispered, his voice full of emotion.

"Gerard," Frank warned him. They'd said what they wanted to say, Gerard was making this so much harder for him to just do it. He really didn't want to have to do this, he didn't want to hurt Gerard, he just wanted to be with him, but this was the only way that was possible.

"No, just..." Gerard said, squeezing Frank's hand that he was holding to his chest impossibly tight. "If it doesn't go right, you need to know that I care about you so so much, Frankie. I'll never stop caring about you even after I'm gone, okay?"

"Stop!" Frank said, a steady stream of his own tears falling now. "It's gonna work. You're gonna be fine, okay?" 

Gerard nodded. 

"I'll always care about you too," he added, lifting Gerard's hand up to kiss it, before letting it go. 

He was letting go. They were starting.

In the back of his mind, he knew that saying 'I care about you' was really just a coward's way of saying 'I love you', but to them it was just as meaningful in that moment, because he truly meant it with all of his heart, and he drew up enough courage, courage coming from his deep necessity to save Gerard, to save them, picking up the book as if he was jumping off a cliff, and really it was like he was. They both hoped that warm, calm waters would lie at the bottom, ready to absorb the fall, but neither of them could tell the future. For all they knew, it could be concrete, and nothing would be left of their love but a bloodstain.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING

Frank took five deep breaths. 

Their shadows flickered against the wall from the many small candles, the room was warm and stuffy in the dark space. Frank almost felt like hyperventilating.

But he wasn't going to let himself.

He let himself take five deep breaths, and then that was it. 

No more waiting.

No more contemplating.

He'd just start.

He breathed in, barely feeling the warm air fill his lungs. A clear bead of sweat dripped down Gerard's chest.

He breathed out, Gerard closed his eyes.

He breathed in, Gerard's fingers twitched.

He breathed out, the sage was extinguished.

He breathed in, closing his own eyes.

He breathed out, feeling his heartbeat.

He breathed in, hearing the wall clock tick.

He breathed out, feeling the hard wood against his knees.

He breathed in, opening his eyes.

He breathed out, as Gerard breathed in.

Frank cleared his head, and picked up the book. It was rough and leathery under his fingers, he found the right bookmark, and flipped it open. Upon the pages were handwritten chants in Latin. It was long, and he understood none of it.

He read the short instructions at the beginning twice, finally understanding what he had to do. He looked down at Gerard, whose eyes were still closed, breathing steadily, almost peacefully, most likely trying to calm himself before it began.

Frank placed his left hand over Gerard's solar plexus, a few inches above his navel, in between his lungs. His skin was warm and smooth. Frank had to remind himself of what they were doing. Gerard sighed slightly at the comforting feeling, at least something was nice about this.

And then Frank began to read. His mouth struggled to form the foreign words, he really had to concentrate on what he was saying. His thumb absentmindedly moved back and forth on Gerard's chest, Gerard tried to concentrate on only that as Frank read through the passage. Gerard understood every word of it, it almost hurt him that Frank didn't even know what he was saying, but then again he was glad, because it was easier for Frank. The words were ugly and gruesome. It talked of heaven and hell, driving out part of his soul and replacing it with part of another. 

Ignorance really is bliss, because as these torturous and permemant words flowed out of Frank's lips, he was none the wiser, his tone unwavering, as if he was reading the Sunday paper, thumb caressing circles into Gerard's flesh, and slowly, Frank's mouth was moving on it's own, Gerard's vision blurred, and all he saw was candle flames, flickering and bright, and all he heard was Frank's monotonous voice, he didn't recognize any words anymore, it was just continuous sound. He didn't feel anymore, he only saw vague movement, and he didn't even realize, as his head started tilting back, his eyes rolling back in his head as he blacked out.

Frank wasn't even making himself read the words anymore, his eyes effortlessly slipped back and forth across the paper and the words came out of his mouth as if spoken by someone else. He was almost to the end of the passage, and he was growing hot, the air seemed thick, and it was as if he couldn't stop reading the words, not like he was trying to anyways. He almost felt as if his energy was seeping out of him, through his hand, and into Gerard's chest. His hand felt almost glued there as he finished reading the passage out of his own accord, his eyes finally halting on the last word, and he snapped out of it. 

He flipped the page, which showed small detailed pictures of the human body, with small, cramped instructions. He then glanced at Gerard's face, but his eyes were closed. He just let him be. Whether he was purposefully trying to relax and ignore this all, or actually was unconscious because of the chant, Frank didn't know. He sort of didn't want to know, he was halfway through this, the worst part was coming, and he just wanted it to be over. There was no going back now. He didn't want to know what would happen if he stopped.

He set the book down on his knees, the back of it resting against Gerard's side. He reached for the disinfectant and the scalpels. The disinfectant had a strong toxic smell, he poured some on a cloth before wiping it on the area in the middle of Gerard's lower chest. His heart started beating harder, he could hear it in his eardrums, but he persisted. He picked up a little scalpel, wrapped in silver packaging.

He ripped it open, slipping it out of the packaging. It was pretty much a little razor, one end was angular, the other rounded. He didn't want to have to, but he needed to use the angular side, to puncture through the muscles of the sternum.

Frank studied the illustration one more time, before he grasped the scalpel tightly in his hand, middle finger and thumb on either side of it, index finger pressing on the top, as he placed it to Gerard's skin. The razor tip pierced through his skin, sinking down, down, down, before Frank began dragging it towards his navel, a slow blossoming of blood poring out as the razor opened up the skin, the pull was tough, Frank had to use a lot of strength to drag it through the thick muscles.

Gerard's eyes opened, to pure whites, but Frank didn't notice. He was almost in a trance.

He pulled the scalpel out, it was glistening with red, and he let it drop down to the floor. Trails of blood were trickling down both of Gerard's sides, over his lungs, and dripping down to the floor, and Frank's knees. 

Frank looked back to the book. This was the big part. He swallowed, and reached for another scalpel. His heart was beating so loudly in his ears, it sounded like thundering footsteps, and his fingers fumbled with the disinfectant, now just hastily pouring some over his wrist. He ripped the packaging of the scalpel open with his teeth, pulling the razor out.

He held it in his left hand, resting his other on Gerard's chest, his knuckles being dipped in his blood that now pooled in the dip between his lungs. He shakily raised the blade to his wrist, lightly pressing there. 

The flames flickered in his eyes, sweat dripped down his neck. His vision wasn't all that clear, a little fuzzy at the edges. He felt as if he was moving, but he was perfectly still. Every breath and heartbeat rang out loudly within his body. Slowly, he dug the razor into his skin, piercing it in a way that felt like ice and fire in one fluid motion. He dragged the blade across his flesh, opening it up, and dripping blood already, mixing with Gerard's that was already there.

Frank just stared into their pooling blood, he couldn't tell which was whose anymore, it was all just deep, dark, thick.

It was almost like making love, Frank thought. Both of them mixing together, he couldn't tell where he began and Gerard ended. They swirled together, seeping into the floorboards. His wrist throbbed now, but it was like a low simmering reminder of reality. He noticed it, but it wasn't of any importance. 

With his uninjured arm, he grabbed the holy water, opening the cap with his teeth, spitting it out somewhere. He tilted the bottle over Gerard's wound, and slowly, the liquid trickled in, pouring over the very core of Gerard's body, and a strangled noise erupted from his throat. His eyes were closed, but his eyebrows scrunched together, his fists balling up tightly, and the wound was burning, eroding away in his chest, his soul literally being burnt out of his body, melting away under the pure water. Gerard was screaming with his mouth closed, writing on the ground, and then just as fast as it started, his body lay limp, his face blank, the bottle was empty, the room was silent.

He knew what he must do. He couldn't sit there with their bodies slashed open, just staring, forever. They would bleed out and then this wouldn't be worth anything.

He placed his wrist, slash down, overtop of Gerard's wound, now eroded and gaping, tilting his hand up to press his bent wrist into the incision. And it was like a tether. 

Strong, and immediate, his whole body latched onto Gerard, he was tied so strongly he felt it through his wrist, down his arm, and into the core of his spine, it felt like pulling, like Gerard's body was tearing strip by strip of Frank's muscles out of him, but he knew that that's not what it was. It was his soul being shredded piece by small piece, flowing into Gerard with every drop of blood that surged out of him, he felt like his very core was being slashed open and ripped from his insides, pouring into Gerard's limp body. 

All of a sudden, the point of contact in between Frank's wrist and the slash wound on Gerard's chest was lifting. Gerard's whole body was lifting, Frank's wrist being the centre point, as if a fishing hook was dragging him to the ceiling, and Frank's arm helplessly raised with Gerard's body, Frank staying firmly planted to the ground as the laws of gravity still stayed intact around him.

Gerard's head fell back weakly, his limbs dangling, his body about two feet off of the ground, suspended into nothingness, his jaw slackening with his unconsciousness, his lips falling open a bit.

And Frank was fading. With every bit of his soul leaving his body into Gerard's, his consciousness dimmed, and even though the candles still shone brightly, like tiny light towers around the room, it was as if Frank was looking through the dark, his eyes no longer registered the light. He could barely see Gerard's body, just the dim outline of his torso, and the unmistakable dark lines of blood dripping down his side, falling heavily through the distance between his body and the ground, splattering on the floor with the force of impact. 

And Frank's eyes were drooping, and blinking, and he couldn't feel anything, or see anything now, not even hearing his heartbeat or the continuos ticking of the clock behind them, unknowing to what was going on. All he felt was the impossibly strong force on his open wrist, the painfully tight fusion that was held in-between him and Gerard, he was trickling away, depleting, and soon his head slumped forward, and he was unconscious.

-

There was a harsh, piercing ringing in his ears. 

It sliced through his eardrums, he could see the light through his eyelids. His whole body ached. 

What happened?

Slowly, he blinked his eyes open, once, twice, three times, and eventually his vision unblurred, and he saw the white ceiling, the fan visible out of the corner of his eyes. He turned his head to the left and saw a body.

His eyes widened. Gerard!

Frank managed to push himself up into a sitting position with his elbows, his head immediately throbbing with pain, and he winced, looking around at the wreck of the room around them. Burnt out candles were scattered around, his wrist was torn open, with dried blood all over his arm and hand, his pants were covered in congealed blood, used supplies were scattered everywhere messily.

And then there was Gerard. He laid just were he was last night, completely limp, his face blank, his chest covered in blood, most of it not dried except for that which trickled down his sides and into the flooring.

Frank shuffled over to him immediately, looking down at the large open wound. It looked like a massacre, the smooth line of the cut was unrecognizable now, his skin almost looked burnt or melted around the area, the centre was glistening and wet, his body was just open, he lay there as if he couldn't feel a thing.

Frank crawled near his head. "Gerard," he whispered, holding the side of his head.

"Gerard, baby," he said, tilting his head towards him, it moved easily. His face was blank, he was unresponsive. 

Frank reached down and placed his hand over Gerard's heart. It was beating.

He let out a sigh of relief, and began stroking Gerard's hair with his clean hand, that was not bloodied. "Are you gonna wake up?" he asked, mostly to himself. He looked so peaceful, his eyelashes resting gently upon his cheeks. His face was in such contrast from the massacre that was his chest.

Frank felt so badly, but he knew that they both had to do it. He was still so concerned about him though. He slowly leant down and placed his lips over Gerard's, not really moving, just pressing them to his soft mouth.

He felt tears build in his eyes at the sight of him, almost innocent looking, laying there injured. Frank wanted him to wake up so badly, he just wanted to hear his voice, for him to say that everything would be okay. But Frank had to be strong. Gerard was bound to wake up soon.

He sat up again, running his hand through his hair, looking around. First thing first, take care of Gerard. Carefully, he stood up, pushing empty candles, and other used up things out of the way with his feet. He made his way down the hall and into the bathroom, grabbing some washcloths, and wetting them with warm water. While he was there he washed his bloodied arm off, it stung pretty badly under the water, but it needed to be done. Once both his arms were clean, he took the small towels back into the living room, sitting down once again beside Gerard just like last night, but this time fixing him instead of destroying him.

He tenderly wiped the blood away from Gerard's body, making the whole washcloth red, and he threw it away from him. Then he dried Gerard's torso, and grabbed the surgical needle and thread. The wound didn't look as bad as before with all of the blood washed off, but it was still pretty gruesome, stitches were a must. Frank threaded the needle, and rested his hand on Gerard's side. He glanced at his face as he stuck the needle through the skin. Gerard's face didn't even change, he didn't move a muscle. Frank relaxed a little bit knowing that Gerard couldn't feel it in his unconsciousness. He hoped and prayed that Gerard wasn't in a coma or something, but he tried to push that out of his mind as he just focused on trying to fix him. He threaded the needle through the skin again and again, slowly bringing the skin together as he stitched Gerard up. 

Finally once he got to the top of the wound, he tied the thread in a knot and cut it, setting it and the needle aside. It looked good. Well, it looked like a jagged wound was stitched closed, but it looked as good as possible less than twelve hours after the fact.

He reached down and got the bandages, tearing the paper packaging open and pressing the dressing overtop of the wound, placing some medical tape on the corners to hold it on.

Once that was done, he just sat there for a bit, staring at Gerard, willing him to wake up, but he just laid there, breathing, unknowing to reality.

Frank then looked down to the deep gash on his wrist, deciding to just put a bandage over it, without stitching. It looked like the blood was clotting, it wasn't bleeding heavily anymore, and he really did not want to go through stitching himself up with his left hand.

He then surveyed the area, seeing what a mess his apartment was in, and gathered up everything that needed to be thrown out, getting a garbage bag from the kitchen and throwing everything in. After everything was cleared away, he tied the bag, and placed it in the bin. He set the book on the bookshelf, and turned back to Gerard, in the middle of the diagram still.

He knelt beside Gerard, pushing his hands underneath of his back and knees, trying to lift him up. He tried as hard as he could, Gerard's legs and upper body were lifted up by Frank, but he simply did not have the strength to lift him onto the couch. He set him back down gently, breathing hard for a second. 

Deciding on his second option, he gently dragged Gerard off to the side, out of the diagram, he slid easily against the hardwood floor. Frank then went to Gerard's bedroom and got his pillow and blanket from his bed.

He went back into the living room, lifting his head up and placing the pillow under there, putting the blanket over him. 

Frank got the big carpet that they'd shoved in the corner, and laid it back over the diagram drawn onto the floor, pushing the coffee table over it into the centre, and pushing the couch back to it's previous position from against the wall. There, no evidence of what they'd done remained.

He stood in the kitchen doorway, looking over everything, just thinking, before he decided to go put some clean clothes on, as these were all bloody. He put on some sweats and a clean shirt in his bedroom, before returning to the kitchen. He grabbed some fruit from the fridge, and then went into the living room, sitting on the floor beside Gerard, and just ate his breakfast beside him, waiting, waiting for anything to happen. He stared at Gerard's face for a little while, and then reached down and held his hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb. His hand was so warm and comforting, it was much bigger than Frank's.

And he just sat there with Gerard, waiting, and knowing, and praying that he would wake up soon.


	16. Chapter 16

Frank grew more and more uneasy by the hour, he stayed by Gerard's side for the whole day, not even really doing anything, just waiting for anything to happen. Straining his ears to make sure that he could still hear his steady breathing, holding his hand over Gerard's heart to comfort himself at it's steady beats. 

After many hours passed by of just silence, and thinking, Frank turned on the tv to a low volume, sitting on the floor still and trying to distract himself a bit, with his hand still holding Gerard's as a reminder that that he was still there, he was still alive. He held his hand in his lap, his fingers curled around his wrist to feel his pulse every once in a while, and eventually the room was sunk into a dim glow, the sun slowly setting, and Frank had still done nothing all day.

He turned the tv off, getting sick of the meaningless programming, his butt ached from sitting on the hard floor all day, and he felt pretty disgusting, not having showered since before the ritual.

He looked down at Gerard again, still in the same position as before, beautifully calm face, his head laying gently on the pillow, his arm limp and on Frank's lap.

"I'm gonna go have a shower, okay?" Frank said. He knew Gerard couldn't hear him, but he still felt scared to leave him alone. He just had this strong urge to protect him and stay by his side in his vulnerable state, this sort of limbo that he was stuck in. He placed Gerard's arm back on the floor beside him, and ran his fingers through his hair one last time, eyes searching his face for any signs of movement. "I'll be right back."

Reluctantly, he got up, going to the hallway, and looking back to Gerard one last time before he went into the bathroom to wash the events of yesterday off of him, hoping that the water would refresh him and make him seem more like himself. He was strong, he was usually certain about things, he never looked after Gerard or spent every minute of the day worrying about him. Yes, he thought about him a lot before, but it was never to this extent. 

He felt unlike himself, he desperately wanted to shake Gerard tell him to wake up, to just come back to him, because it was unnerving not knowing what was going on and if he would ever be the same again, if he would ever come back into the world. Frank had no one else to ask about this, and that was the scariest part. He had no idea what to expect. Maybe this was expected, maybe it would just take Gerard a while to wake up and everything would be fine. But on the other hand, maybe something had gone horribly wrong, and Gerard was gone. Maybe he had been wiped out completely by the ceremony, and how he was just a body. A vacant body, breathing and alive, but empty of any emotion, personality, just a vessel waiting for some form of life.

Frank washed his face in the shower, trying to pull himself together. He didn't even have his notebook to write anything in, vent his thoughts about all of this to try to get some form of relief from his stress. He knew he could just write anywhere else, but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be in his notebook, and it almost would feel like he was exposing himself otherwise. Since he was fifteen, the notebook was always what he could confide in, because it was his special place. His parents always respected his privacy, so he never had to worry about anyone reading the poems he wrote in it, or just the nagging thoughts that he had to get out of his head. His notebook contained all of that, and it was just his natural reaction now to want to express how he felt in it by writing it down. But now that it was gone, he couldn't do that anymore. 

Frank was a very stubborn person, and he would never get a new notebook. That would be like the past twenty eight years of his life was non-existent if he started a fresh one now, it wouldn't be right. Now that it was gone, it was gone forever. Although, Frank did have some way to express his emotions, it's what he'd been doing for a while lately, without even realizing it. 

Gerard.

Him and Gerard had really been confiding in each other lately about everything that had been going on, and although they never explicitly talked about their 'relationship' or friendship or whatever, they were immensely closer than they had been before they hadn't been trying to figure all of this out together, and Frank felt more connected to him than ever.

The minute that he met Gerard, he felt some sort of connection to him, hell, only a couple days after they met had they kissed, and although they both had tried to deny everything for quite a while after that, because of their continuous arguments regarding Gerard's past, that connection still simmered right under the surface, it almost bubbled just under their skin whenever they were close. Sitting beside him on the couch, watching him eat his breakfast in the morning, there was always something there whether Frank wanted there to be or not. He wanted to deny it, he wanted to just be mad at him before, but even with all of that frustration and lack of understanding, he still couldn't stop himself from starting at his hands and the way that they looked when he was writing the grocery list. Or the way that his smile looked when he was watching a movie and thought that Frank wasn't looking at him. And especially the way that his hair fell into his face when he was sleeping, that day many nights ago when Frank had watched a movie with him in his bed, and Frank felt such a strong urge to reach up and brush his hair out of his face lovingly so that he could see his delicately closed eyelids, his perfect lips parted just a bit, his pixie nose.

Frank leant against the shower wall with his eyes screwed tightly closed, trying not to cry. This wasn't him. He had made it through so much. Losing his job, breaking up with his girlfriend whom he thought was the love of his life, until he found out that that was all a lie, getting into the accident and going through the torture of recovering from a broken leg all by himself. He was strong. Why was this the one thing that broke him? Maybe everything that had happened to him slowly wore him down until he was no longer the tough determined man that he used to be, now sniffling and crumbling apart in the shower at the heartbreaking truth that his pathetic room mate, friend, not my boyfriend but I lowkey am in love with him, person was hanging in the balance, possibly to never wake up again.

What would Frank do if he never woke up? He started full on sobbing at the thought of Gerard just staying in that state forever. His mind tortured him with the possibility, even though it was pointless, Frank would just have to see what happened, there were endless possibilities for everything, so why was he making up scenarios just to hurt himself more? Eventually he managed to get it all out, and he sniffled once more, wiping his face with his hands, turning the shower off, and getting out, grabbing the towel, and drying himself off. 

He numbly pulled his clothes back on, before just standing in front of the mirror, the countertop pressing against his hips in an uncomfortable way, but he didn't really care. He looked at his face, eyes and nose still red from crying, the hot room didn't help with making it go away.

His hair was wet and dripping onto the shoulders of his t-shirt, he ran his hand through it, pushing it away from his forehead. Then he heard something.

His eyes widened in the mirror as he strained to hear something else. Maybe it was just his imagination, maybe it was the drops of water still falling out of the head of the shower. 

But he heard it again, the tiniest, faintest noise that he probably wouldn't have heard if he wasn't paying attention, and before he knew what he was doing, his body jolted into life, he swung the bathroom door open roughly, causing it to bang against the wall as he ran down the hallway, whipping around the corner into living room, where he saw Gerard laying in the same place as before, with his eyes open.

"Gerard!", he said, running over and falling to his knees hard beside him, his face in pure shock, staring at him.

"Frankie?" Gerard asked groggily, as if he had just woken up from a long sleep, which he sort of had.

"Oh my god," Frank sobbed, pulling Gerard into his arms, he held him so tightly, his arm around his shoulders, his hand on the back of his head, holding it into his chest as he buried his face into Gerard's neck. He cried, just holding him so tightly, he never wanted to let him go, and he could feel that Gerard was crying too, his arms weakly around Frank's body, as Frank clung to him.

Frank just held him for a long time. Words could wait, he just needed to hold him and feel the immense relief wash over him with Gerard's embrace. Gerard's body was kind of weak, and eventually Frank pulled him up into a sitting position because leaning over him was becoming uncomfortable.

Gerard slumped against him, and Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's shoulders, Gerard hugging his waist, and they just held each other there, in the space that Frank had sat for so long waiting for him to wake up. Frank lowered his head and pressed it into Gerard's neck, feeling his hair on his forehead, it was comfortable between his neck and his shoulder, and he breathed him in, loving the way that Gerard was squeezing him back. He could hold Gerard all he wanted, but nothing was better than Gerard holding him too. 

"I was so scared," he whispered into his neck after a while, 

"I know, but it's okay now," Gerard said back to him. "I'm here, and I'm not gonna leave you again, I promise."

"I'm not gonna let you," Frank said against him, overwhelmed. He couldn't believe it. He was so grateful.

Eventually he pulled back a little, still holding Gerard, and they just looked at each other for a minute. Frank reached up and tucked Gerard's hair behind his ear, smiling at him through the tears. This time they were tears of happiness, and relief.

"I know that he we never really talked about this, and I know that we might have to later, but... can you just kiss me?" Frank pleaded.

Gerard smiled and immediately held his face in both hands, brining their lips together in the most passionate kiss Frank had ever received. 

Gerard's lips were so soft and beautiful, he sucked against Frank's lips tenderly, their mouths opening in sync, as Frank tilted his head to the other side, pushing his hands into the back of Gerard's hair, bringing him even closer. Their tongues touched and swirled and danced between their lips, the only sound in the quiet room was the soft suction sound every once in a while of Gerard's lips against his. Frank made a little noise in the back of his throat at one point, and Gerard subconsciously moaned into the kiss, pressing against Frank more and more until Frank was leaning back slowly, Gerard going with him until Frank was laying on the floor, Gerard over top of him, propping himself up on one elbow, one of his legs in between Frank's.

Frank began sucking on his tongue, he couldn't get enough of him, he wanted more and more and more, even though he knew what that meant and he didn't really know if they were ready for that yet. So he was satisfied with just kissing him, heatedly, getting lost in the glorious way that Gerard moved his tongue around his mouth, just absolutely kissing the life out of him by that point. Frank had never been kissed like that before. With Jamia, he was obviously always the dominant one, she liked to be kissed, not the kisser, and although it was always nice, and Frank always enjoyed it, there was just something amazing about the way that Gerard took control of him. He was the one underneath of Gerard, Gerard was the one roaming his tongue around his mouth passionately, it was all so new and different for Frank and that was part of the reason why he couldn't get enough of it. With Jamia, the allure of intimacy never got boring, necessarily, but they could do whatever they wanted at whatever time. It wasn't exciting anymore, he always knew what to expect. It was mundane, vanilla even.

But there was nothing vanilla about having a hot, almost urgent feeling make-out session with a guy. With Gerard. Nothing with Gerard was ever boring or predictable. He was fascinated by everything involving him, every touch stuck in his head, leaving him wanting more despite the uncertainness over what they were. Whenever he said the word roommates in his head, there were always imaginary quotations around it now, because honestly, he would never do this type of thing with Ray. This was a special situation, one that the term 'roommates' didn't really apply too, but he knew that that was a complicated topic, one that he didn't necessarily want to have, at least not right now because he would rather kiss Gerard than discuss what they were doing. 

Gerard ran his hand up Frank's body, previously rubbing the side of his thigh, now slipping under his t-shirt, rubbing circles into his side, gently squeezing his waist. 

Frank left one hand in Gerard's hair and ran the other one down Gerard's back absentmindedly, feeling the warm, smooth expanse of flesh.

Wait, smooth?

He pulled away all of a sudden. "Your back," he said, rubbing his hand all over Gerard's back, feeling nothing but smooth skin and muscles. "The scars are gone," he said, confused.

Gerard just smiled. "Yeah, Frankie. Because it worked. I'm like you now. I'm human," he told Frank, resting his head in Frank's neck.

Frank was in awe. It made sense, now that Gerard was human, the wounds that refused to heal for months and months were now able to go away, because he didn't have any sort of special powers anymore. He was mortal, just like Frank. He could get hurt just like Frank could, but that meant that he could heal like him also. 

"Do you feel any different?" he asked him.

Gerard leaned up again. He nodded. "I feel whole. I feel like I belong here now."

"You didn't before?" Frank asked, a bit sadly. He didn't know that.

"I mean, I felt like I belonged here with you, like, in our apartment, but I didn't feel like I necessarily belonged _here_. Like, not just in Jersey but like, in the world. I knew that I wasn't from here, and... it just felt like I was far away from where I came from."

"Oh. But now you can tell me everything?" Frank asked hopefully.

"Yeah, I guess I can," Gerard said, smiling. 

Frank smiled back at him, feeling like they'd finally accomplished something. All of his questions could finally get answered. "Tell me everything."

Gerard complied, moving off of Frank and sitting up, Frank sat up with him. "Can I eat first?" he asked with raised eyebrows, and Frank laughed a little. 

"Of course," he told him, and pushed himself up, going into the kitchen, and heating up some food from lunch.

He went back into the living room and set it on the table, going over and helping Gerard up. His was pretty weak from the ritual, Frank guessed, and would need a while to regain his energy, since so much of it went into destroying the old part of himself and accepting the new one. The human one.

Gerard sat in the corner of the couch and started eating, Frank sat facing him, cross legged, so close that their knees were touching. He just needed some form of contact from him, and Gerard certainly didn't mind.

Once Gerard got a few bites in, he took a deep breath, wondering where to start.

"Okay, well... To start off," he paused, not wanting to scare Frank in his wording, because this was the type of thing that could come off as really frightening or creepy, even though it was nothing like that. "I guess we could say that I know you a lot better than you think I do. Like... a _lot_ better."


	17. Chapter 17

Frank just looked at Gerard curiously, willing him to go on. He had no idea what to expect out of all this, but the anticipation certainly had enough time to built up to a ridiculous point, Frank was almost ready to tell Gerard to just spit it out, but he calmed himself. This was difficult for Gerard, he knew that. And he tried to remain as patient as possible as Gerard gathered his thoughts, as Frank took in the fact that he'd been waiting months for this. Ever since he met Gerard he was waiting for this, and he was simultaneously terrified and intrigued about the whole thing. About Gerard. He certainly was a mystery, and Frank hoped that this was one that was solvable. He hoped that there was a clear end to this. That Gerard would tell him the indefinite truth, to the point where there was so little information left for him to give that all there was left for Frank to learn was his favourite colour. For once in his life he hoped for a dead end, so that he could finally stop chasing this endless trail of clues and double meanings, he wanted clarity. He wanted satisfaction. He wanted to know who Gerard really was and what this all meant.

"So... I guess it all starts with God," Gerard began.

"What?"

"Just listen," Gerard calmed him. "Now, this is just what I was told, and I'm not necessarily a religious person, but this is kind of important to the whole story, so bare with me."

Frank nodded, having no idea where he was going with this.

"What I was told, was that when God created the world, and created people, everything went fine for a little while, but he soon realized that people were dying too quickly to actually make anything of their lives. There were so many dangers that came with living in the world, it would either be their environment, animals, other humans, weather conditions, the list goes on and on. The human race was struggling to the point where so many people were dying that the human race was dwindling down to so few people that they would be wiped out completely because of the harsh conditions of the world. Innumerable things could happen that could prevent people from moving society forward. So he needed to help them. He had to have some other outside source to bend destiny for these archaic people so that they would be protected, in a way, because frankly, they were just too stupid to save themselves from destruction. But obviously there were so many people in the world that he couldn't possible watch over all of them. This was a task that would be required every minute of the day, and he obviously had other things to control. So, as the tale goes, he enslaved the angels to do his work for him. The angels were a free race of their own, completely unrelated to the human population on earth, but God saw them as a tool, a resource. Angels were originally meant to protect the heavens, and guide the souls to where they needed to go after they'd died, but that's irrelevant. Against their will, God named them 'protectors of the souls'. There were very few angels when this happened, at the beginning of time, and after this duty was permanently cast upon them, and they had to protect the fate of the people on earth, they passed their duty on to future generations."

Gerard took a minute. "Okay..." Frank said.

"Those original angels that actually received the word from God now serve as ... kind of the rulers of the angels. They're angels themselves, but they're the oldest of their kind, and as future generations of angels were produced, they handed their duties down to them, and so on. It's something that engrosses an angel's whole life, every day they're devoted to the person that they were assigned to. Nobody picks who an angel is assigned to either, it just happens when a human is born, the next angel that is brought into heaven is assigned to that person. An angel is only free from their duties when that person has died from causes that were out of their control, and depending on how old an angel is, they're either assigned a new person, or they're free. But since angels are immortal, usually they have to watch over at least ten people's lifespans before they can move on to their own personal destiny."

Frank took quite a while to take that all in. "So what does that have to do with you, specifically? What does some religious story have to do with what's been going on with you and me?" He didn't really believe what Gerard was saying, he never had read the bible, maybe that was in there. It wouldn't be surprising.

'Frank..." Gerard took a breath. "When I was twenty-six, I was murdered."

"What?" Frank didn't understand, needless to say.

"I was murdered in cold blood, by a man I didn't know, when I was twenty-six. And... that was in 1898."

Frank struggled to breathe, or even comprehend any of this. "What? That can't be true." He tried to reason.

"Let me just tell you the whole thing, and we'll talk about it after?" 

Frank nodded, not really knowing what to say. This was getting more and more unbelievable by the second.

"But, after I'd died, I woke up again. All I remember from that time in my life, was that it was really confusing. At first I thought that I didn't actually die, but... soon I found out that that wasn't actually true. I was an angel."

Gerard ran his hand through his hair. "I didn't understand what was going on or anything, I thought that maybe I was in heaven or something, but there were other people there- other angels, and they explained to me that I was chosen. Angels are chosen from people who die but are caring, compassionate people, who feel strongly that their purpose in life is to help others. I'd never done anything bad in my life, most people saw me as a coward, I guess, because at that time everyone wanted to fight in the war, whichever one was going on then. But I didn't. I didn't want violence or death, I just wanted to be happy. Which was such a scarcity at the time, I thought it was a myth."

He paused.

"Anyways, the angels explained everything to me that I've told you already, about God and the angels being chosen and that this was their duty, etcetera.. So, there I was, now an angel, because I was such a good person I was forced into becoming a slave to God, which is ironic, really. At the time that it happened, I was excited about it, believe it or not. I mean, at first it was scary and shocking, but I really did want to do good in the world, and I was assigned my first person. Her name was Anne, and I was taught by the other angels how to take care of her. And soon enough I did. I watched over her until she died of natural causes when she was eighty-six."

"Are you kidding me?" Frank asked. This was information overload.

Gerard gave him a sympathetic smile. "I'm almost done. We're getting to the important part." He told him, squeezing his knee. Frank just looked back at him with a confused gaze.

"She died in 1984. Know what that means?" he asked.

Frank thought about it for a second. "I was born in '84."

"Yeah."

It took a while for it to sink in. "Oh my god," he uttered.

"I'd barely gotten over Anne's life being over, before I was assigned a new person. At first I wasn't happy about it, because by this time I'd been doing this thing for eighty-six years. It was no longer special, the excitement wore off long ago. But when I was given you to watch over, it changed everything."

"Really?" 

Gerard nodded. "Yeah, I was determined to watch over you better than anyone else ever could. And I did a really good job of it while I could. I did a great job up until this year. Up until I was kicked out."

"And why were you kicked out, exactly? What rule did you break?" Frank asked, eager.

Gerard bit his lip. "Frank, I know that you know that I can tell you everything, but please. This is so personal to me and so fucking hard to say that I really can't tell you. At least not right now. You just have to give me a while to be able to say it, okay?"

Frank shook his head. He was angry. So upset, because this was the reason for them to go through all of this. Yes, he wanted to hear absolutely everything that Gerard had to say, but that seemed like one of the most important parts of it all. The reason why he was forced to leave that place, presumably why all those bad things ended up happening to him.

"I can't believe you're not gonna tell me that," he said in disbelief. He thought they were in an agreement. If they risked their lives doing the ceremony, Gerard would tell him everything.

"Frank, I will tell you everything, just not that. That's one small, tiny detail, that I promise I'll tell you eventually, you just gotta give me some time. I won't wait forever, I promise."

Frank sighed. "Fine, but I just can't believe any of this."

"I know," Gerard told him. "I know it's a lot to take in."

"So what was it like, watching over me? What did you have to do?" he asked. He wanted to know everything.

"Well, I got to know you, I guess. And as an angel I had the ability to bend fate. Meaning, that I would see the possible outcomes of things, and deflect the bad ones from happening. I mean, the most severe ones. Obviously, you've like, fallen down and scraped your knee or whatever, but I was just there to prevent certain death."

"Wow. So you were there the whole time. Ever since I was a kid."

"Mhmm. I guess it's fair that you learn about my life, since I kind of have an unfair disadvantage."

Frank smiled. "You think?" He leant against the side of the couch. "I just can't believe it." This was so weird.

"So you know everything about me, pretty much?" he asked Gerard.

"I guess," he shrugged. He knew Frank very well, but he didn't want to freak him out by telling him his own life story. Frank would figure out the extent of his knowledge eventually, he didn't want to risk scaring him.

"After you were kicked out, what happened?"

"Well, first, as a punishment for breaking the rules, my... um-"

Frank raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"They ripped my wings out. That's what the scars were from."

"Are you serious?" Frank asked. Surely, that was just from stories. 

Gerard nodded slightly. "And going by the church, I was banned from anything having to do with God after that. It physically repelled me. And so that's why walking by there practically ripped open those old wounds. It was like they were trying to punish me again for even daring to do near their holy place." He rolled his eyes.

"And then how did you end up here?"

"Well you were literally the only person I knew. Not like I wouldn't find you first even if I did know other humans, there's no way I wouldn't find you first, I was desperate to see if you were okay. I half believed that you would die if I wasn't watching over you anymore. And obviously a lot of bad things did happen, but thankfully you lived," Gerard said, relieved.

"How did you find me?"

"Well, I was still an angel, just on earth. I woke up in the water, literally, they didn't care if I was okay, they knew I could't die, they just dumped me somewhere, and I drug myself into the city and tried to find somewhere to live, which I did eventually. It was hard to get my bearings at first, but I still could see you, in my head. Like, I knew that you were alive once I was in Jersey, and it didn't take me too long to figure out where you were. The day I met you was one of the scariest days of my life. If you didn't let me move in with you, I don't know what I would have done. Because I was already so attached to you, you know? I had to see if you were okay. And when you told me you were hit by a car, that was the first of me finding out about that. I had a feeling that bad things had happened, I just didn't know specifics."

"I thought there was something weird about you the day I met you," Frank told him.

"Thanks," Gerard said sarcastically.

"No, I just mean... you looked like you were about to burst into tears at any moment. I just thought you were emotionally unstable."

"I was, in a way," he said to Frank, and they laughed despite the situation. 

Frank shook his head again. "I know that you're telling me the truth, it's just so hard to wrap my head around it. Is that why I felt kind of close to you, even though we'd never met?"

"Maybe. I mean, I was a relatively new angel. You were only my second person, and I obviously never actually met Anne, so I don't know. People aren't supposed to meet their guardian angels. What we did, making me human again, bent the rules, but I mean, at least it worked. I've never actually known of anybody that's done this though."

"So... how old are you? Do you count from when you were born as a human... or?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's not like I forgot my life when I became an angel," he looked away. "I really don't want to tell you though."

"You said that you died when you were twenty-six and that was in 1898. I could do math if I wanted to."

"So do it."

"I'm shit at math, and I don't have a calculator, so just tell me. I'll find out eventually," he reasoned.

"I don't want it to make our friendship or whatever weird though."

"Gerard," Frank sighed. "If anything's gonna make our friendship weird, it definitely won't be your age."

Gerard sighed in an annoyed way. "A hundred and forty-four, and I know that sounds bad, but I really think of myself still as twenty-six. I feel twenty-six still. My body is still twenty-six."

"You're like... five times my age," Frank told him as if he didn't already know.

"Fraaaank," Gerard whined, and buried his face into Frank's leg. "You said you wouldn't make it weird."

Frank laughed. "I'm not. I don't care, really. I still think of you as the same person. Nothing's changed. I mean, if I can handle that you used to be an angel, I mean, nothing can really top that," he said, brushing his fingers through Gerard's hair without really thinking about it. His hair was just right there, it was an instinct. But then he realized what he was doing, and he stopped, not really knowing when they were being friends and when they were being something more. It was like a pendulum, constantly swinging from one to the other, and he was getting whiplash.

Gerard sat up again. "I can't believe you're okay with this."

"Well, I kind of have to be. I mean, we're already friends, what am I gonna do? You reeled me in now," he joked.

Gerard smiled. "You know now. I don't have to keep it a secret anymore," he stated.

"Yeah, what are we gonna talk about now?" Frank asked, feigning seriousness.

"Normal stuff, for once," Gerard said, and Frank laughed. 

He breathed out deeply, noticing Gerard's hands in his hap. His beautiful hands. That reminded him of the even bigger nagging topic in his mind.

"Gerard, we have to talk about something," Frank swallowed, his throat feeling abnormally dry. "And I understand if this isn't really the best time, with us just figuring this all out and stuff, but I feel like if we don't talk about it I'm gonna go crazy, so please."

"Okay," Gerard said, worried.

"Soooo...," Frank drug out the small word, feeling incredibly nervous now that the ball was in his court. Gerard had practically just spilled the most personal, private details of his whole life to Frank, and Frank could barely form a sentence together about their messed up friendship, roommate, crush, not-boyfriends, whatever that they had going on. How could he sum all that up in once sentence without sounding insane?

"Gerard, friends don't kiss," he said bluntly, and paused for a second, before gathering the courage to go on. Gerard inwardly groaned knowing where this was going, and he was just as scared as Frank, not entirely certain that he was ready for this conversation, even though it was probably long overdue. 

"They don't kiss, and they certainly don't make out, and I'm pretty sure that they don't even sleep in the same bed or hold hands, or stare at each other's hair, or... something," he bit his lip. "But, that's just the thing. I kind of have a problem with that, cause sometimes I do wanna stare at your hair, or hold your hand, or... whatever. And I don't know if you want to too, but to me it kinda seems like you do, so just... where are you with all of this?" Frank asked, concluding the most awkward 'do you like me back?' ever.

Gerard smiled. "I do wanna do those things, but I don't know if you want to do those things just because I helped you get better, and I was here, when you needed comforting and someone to pull you out of the shower, so you may as well kiss me too because it's convenient -type of thing. And I don't know if you like, wanna do those things with other people, because I mean, you're better now, your leg's obviously fine, so if you wanted to, you could go out and find somebody else with nice hair to stare at and hands to hold. ...Or do you specifically want to hold my hand?"

"Specifically yours," Frank confirmed. He sort of felt like they were in a meeting or something, both of them were just trying to not be too emotional and get their feelings hurt. This would all be more simple if Frank had asked if Gerard liked him back, but things just didn't go that way in real life. People got nervous, their mouths stumbled over words. There were awkward pauses and nervous glances. Someone's cheeks were bound to flush, and eye contact seemed just a little too intimate at times. They were human.

"Well, I wanna specifically hold your hand too," Gerard admitted, and Frank smiled. 

Frank took a minute to keep his cool. "So we're not just roommates, or friends even," He kind of asked.

"I guess that makes us something more," Gerard said, a little awkwardly.

Frank's gaze was still on Gerard's hands. Both of them were too nervous to say the B word.

"I'm okay with that," Frank said after a while, and Gerard looked up, feeling so relieved. He wanted this more than anything. 

"Come here," Gerard said, moving his legs down so that he was sitting properly on the couch, and hesitantly, Frank moved closer to him, sitting closely beside him, Gerard put his arm around him and Frank moved into his chest, careful not to touch the area around the bandage in the centre.

Frank was snuggled up close to him, still feeling a bit nervous, but comfortable. Gerard liked him back. They'd talked about it. They weren't denying it anymore.

Frank looked up at him, and placed his hand palm up on Gerard's thigh.

Gerard smiled and put his hand into Frank's covering the whole thing and lacing their fingers together. Frank brought his legs up onto the couch and curled himself right into Gerard's side. 

"You'll never know how worried I was about you, Frank," Gerard said quietly after a while.

"Really?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, you were my life. My entire life for twenty-eight years revolved around watching over you, protecting you, making sure that you were okay. I got attached to you, and so it was really hard living here with you and having to pretend like I didn't know you at all. I just wanted to protect you, from everything. But I guess now that I'm human too, I don't really have control over that anymore."

"I guess we're like any normal couple now," Frank said without really thinking, Gerard's warmth lulling him into a peaceful state of mind, but all of a sudden his eyes widened and he realized what he'd said. 

"No, I mean, I didn't mean like a couple,... Like, I just meant that-" He rushed, but Gerard stopped him, laughing.

"It's okay Frank, I know what you mean," he said, laughing at Frank getting all flustered, and Frank tried to calm himself down again, promising himself he wouldn't say anything else tonight until he'd gotten enough sleep. He had been more than stressed lately.

Gerard pulled him back into his side, and rubbed his shoulder, trying to calm him down. "Hey, so, now that we've established that we're a little bit more than friends, sleep in my bed tonight? I don't wanna be alone," he asked, hoping that he wouldn't come off too clingy. But he'd just been cut open yesterday! He needed some cuddling.  
"I'd love to," Frank said, smiling into Gerard's shoulder, and after a while, Gerard untangled himself from Frank, pulling himself up, grabbing Frank's hand, leading him down the hallway. It had been an especially stressful few days, and they were both desperate to just be with each other. Without the nervousness or the constant questions lurking in their heads. Pretty much everything was on the table now, and now that him and Gerard had both admitted how they felt about each other, and that they were comfortable moving forward, whatever that entailed, they'd just have to see, Frank felt a strong urge to hug him and never let go. Or at least just for the night.

He followed Gerard into his bedroom, closing the door behind them, and Gerard pulled the covers back, Frank walking around to the other side. They both got in, and Frank shamelessly wiggled over to the other side, Gerard immediately pulling him into his body, Frank's small frame easy to move.

Gerard wrapped his arm around Frank's small waist and pulled him in, facing his chest, and held him closely. Frank shuffled into him as much as possible, tangling his legs with Gerard's, one one of his arms slung over his waist.

Gerard tilted Frank's chin up, just barely seeing his face in the dark room. But Frank knew what was coming. Gerard slowly leaned it, his head tilted down, eventually meeting their lips very gently, he cupped his face and held him so delicately, moving his lips against Frank's perfect ones. Frank's lips were thin, but plump, and always so pink, it was so distracting, it was like they were calling his name.

Frank just let himself utterly melt as Gerard kissed him, feeling perfectly content in his arms. When the kiss came to a mutual end, Gerard leant his forehead against Frank's, his fingers playing with the back of Frank's hair. 

"Thank you, Frankie. For understanding everything," he whispered in the small space between their lips.

Frank smiled, even though Gerard couldn't see. He reached up and held Gerard's face, stroking his cheek with his thumb. "You're welcome, my angel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is far from over, btw


	18. Chapter 18

Frank woke up in a haze of skin and memories and warmth surrounding him. Before he was even conscious of his name or the events of yesterday or what room of the house he was in, he knew he didn't want to move from the spot he was in, something about it was just so comfortable, he wanted to nestle himself in even deeper and stay there forever. 

Unaware to him in the kind of early hours of the morning where you don't even check the time but still know you have hours left to sleep, Gerard rolled over into Frank, his head slumping into Frank's hair, his arm over him protectively, and he fell back to sleep without even remembering his brief second of early morning consciousness.

Bit by bit, the sun rose over the scattering of apartment buildings, and the room was bathed in a lazy, early grey light that filtered through the curtain that morning. 

The first thing that Frank saw when his eyes opened was Gerard's arm draped over him, and he moved back slowly to see his face which was resting on his head before. He leaned back and turned onto his side, now kind of seeing Gerard's face, hidden between the pillow and his mop of black hair.

He reached up and pushed his hair back out of his face, trying to make it stay there when all it wanted to do was fall forward, shielding Gerard from view. Eventually, Gerard awoke at the feeling of Frank's fingers running through his hair, and he smiled at him as he took in the morning. Seeing Frank's face first thing in the morning was one of the best things, in his opinion.

"Hey," Gerard said in a thick morning voice.

"Hey," Frank replied, giggling softly, before Gerard smiled again, and reached over to pull him in closer by his waist.

Frank complied, holding Gerard's hair out of the way as he looked at him, truly smiling with his eyes, darting in between Gerard's and waiting for some kind of signal, or something that he most likely wouldn't receive. In his hazy mind, he didn't let himself think too much about it as he slowly leant forward and pressed his lips to Gerard's. 

It was a soft, simple kiss, that early. They were too tired to really do anything more than press their lips together, although that could surely change soon, but Gerard kissed Frank back without any sense of urgency, the touch was all they needed in that moment, and Frank was satisfied with briefly pulling Gerard's lip into his mouth before breaking away. 

Gerard's eyes were still closed when he leant back, and Frank chuckled softly at his half asleep 'friend', and let himself just lay there facing his chest for quite some time until he woke up enough to actually start his day.

Frank rolled out of the bed, and made his way into the kitchen to make him and Gerard some coffee, knowing the latter surely wouldn't be out of bed in a while, especially with everything he'd gone through in the past couple days, Frank could understand that he wanted to stay in the safe cocoon of the blankets for as long as possible. 

He leant against the counter and watched the coffee maker slowly fill the pot with coffee, achingly slowly, almost one drop at a time. Frank was almost pulled into a trance by it, the warmth it radiated in the chilly morning, the ripples in the surface that each droplet caused. 

Once it filled up enough for two mugs, Frank poured it into their respective mugs. They each had their mug. It was kind of ridiculous, actually. Frank remembered thinking right before they were about to do the ritual, when him and Gerard had that emotional moment of weeping and confessions, he thought about the mug. And it was so stupid, who even gave a shit about the mug? But he was thinking, what would he do with it if Gerard never made it through the ceremony? He could never drink out of it without thinking of him. It was his mug. And he could surely never bring himself to throw it out. So it would have probably sat in the back of his cupboard, a painful reminder of the thing that was stolen away from him as soon as he started to get attached to it.

Frank sighed. It was way too early in the morning to think such depressing thoughts. Why was he even thinking about that at all? Gerard was fine, he made it through, they'd both survived. The mug would be used every day by Gerard, and Frank wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. It was a useless thought anyway. 

He put one tablespoon of stevia and powdered creamer into Gerard's coffee, because that's how he liked it, and he left his black, walking down the hallway and back into Gerard's room, placing his mug on the beside table. Gerard was still laying there, his arm over his eyes, but Frank knew he was awake, he could tell, in the way that he was breathing, and his lips moved slightly, his tongue swiping quickly across his top lip.

Frank sat cross legged beside Gerard's legs. "Brought you coffee," he said softly, sipping his own.

Gerard looked immediately to the bedside table, and pushed himself up against the headboard, gingerly reaching over and taking it in his hands, cupping it for warmth. As he sat up the comforter slid down a bit, revealing the bandage from two days ago, now dark with dried blood in the centre.

"We should probably change that," Frank gestured to Gerard's chest, and he looked down, his eyes widening at the slightly gory sight of the blood saturated bandage. 

He groaned and made an annoyed face. 

Frank smiled a little, hidden by the rim of his cup. "I'll help you," he told him, raised eyebrows, in between a question and a statement.

"Fine," Gerard sighed, and carefully placed his coffee back on the table beside him, pushing back the covers and standing up. Frank's eyes not so subtly ran up and down Gerard's body, shirtless because of the wound, sweatpants hanging low on his hips, waistband of his boxers visible. The drawstring wasn't even done up. It would be so easy to just pull them down...

Frank blinked, Gerard wasn't even in the room anymore. He looked from the doorway, back to the spot Gerard used to stand in, and back again, before he finally forced his body into motion, and went out of the bedroom into the bathroom, where Gerard stood in front of the mirror, pushing back his greasy hair. He thought he looked like a wreck, and he did, but he made a wreck look good, if that was possible.

Frank opened the cabinet and got out the bandages and tape, and grabbed a washcloth. He wet it under the tap, and before turning to Gerard who faced him. Standing this close to him reminded Frank how much shorter he was than Gerard. It wasn't so noticeable when they were sitting beside each other on the couch or sleeping in bed next to each other, but standing up his forehead was about level with Gerard's nose, and he glanced at him for permission before he peeled the tape off of the bandage.

There was dried blood all around the long stitched up incision, and Frank threw the bandage in the garbage, getting the washcloth to try to wipe the blood off. He tried to do it as gently as possible, but it was really dried on there and Gerard winced after a couple seconds. 

When Frank went to rinse off the cloth, Gerard turned to look at the wound again, and how little Frank was actually able to clean it up. "I should probably just have a shower," he said, looking at himself in the mirror.

"Oh, yeah, whatever," Frank said, running the cloth under the tap to get the blood out.

"So I'll just..." Gerard said, glancing to Frank whose gaze was still down at what he was doing in the sink.

Frank looked up, getting the feeling that he'd missed a question. "What?" he asked, trying to read Gerard's face. Gerard motioned to the shower.

"Oh, for sure, yeah, I'll just put this..." he went to set the supplies on the counter, trying to get around Gerard to the hamper to set the dirty cloth.

"Unless you wanna..." Gerard mumbled.

Frank made sure to put the tape by the clean bandages and scissors. "What was that?" he asked as he looked up at Gerard standing by the shower.

Gerard reached in and turned the shower on. "Hm? Nothing, I didn't say anything."

"I thought you asked if I wanted to..." he trailed off, avoiding Gerard's gaze, his hand scratching the back of his neck.

"To what?" 

"Um, nothing, never mind," Frank told him.

"Okay," Gerard said. They both stood there not looking at each other for a while. "Well, I should get undressed then."

"Right," Frank said, looking at the towel rack like he'd never seen it before.

Gerard just stared at him for a long time. Did he want him to...just do it now?

"Oh right! Yeah, totally, I'll..." Frank rushed, walking out the door and pulling it shut behind him, he was about to say something more, but once the door was closed he thought it'd be best if he'd just stopped talking altogether to end this painful experience.

-

Gerard and Frank agreed that it would be best if he'd called in sick for a week, telling them that he got into a small accident of sorts, to let himself heal. It wouldn't be a good idea for him to be on his feet touring people around the art museum while the wound was still fresh, they didn't want the stitches to rip, it was fragile as it was already without the extra exertion.

His boss said that was fine, he'd never taken a day off since he'd started, so they had a week of nothing to do but whatever they wanted, and that would be interesting. That was Frank's choice of words: 'interesting', because that could have a very broad expanse of meaning, which particularity applied to being in the same apartment as Gerard for 168 hours.

Frank was quite flustered after the shower thing, whatever the hell that was, and had to go calm himself down in his room, trying to stop thinking about fact that Gerard may have invited him into the shower with him in some way or another, which not surprisingly Frank was unsuccessful to get out of his head.

That day was friendly and full of subtle but not direct gestures. That was Gerard's whole schtick. Subtlety. Brushing hands there, making Frank lace them together on the couch. Glancing in the kitchen, which Frank acknowledged with a smile. That night, they fell asleep on the couch, because both were too nervous to ask the other to go to bed with them, so they both woke up with slightly sore backs, but to Gerard it was worth it. 

The next day was full of much the same, they ate breakfast, Frank showed Gerard his record collection thoroughly, Gerard pretended not to look at his butt the whole time. But Frank was crouching on the ground for an awfully long time flipping through the records in the bookcase. Gerard could see part of 'Search and Destroy', and the waistband of his boxers when his light t-shirt rode up.

Frank glanced back at him all of a sudden, and totally noticed what Gerard was looking at, and tried not to blush, while Gerard gave some generic to response to whatever Frank was saying, as if he was actually listening in the past ten minutes. If Frank had heard his inner commentary, he'd probably throw himself out of the fourth story window right then and there, but luckily he couldn't, and only his line of vision gave away what he could possibly be thinking about, and they both tried to move past it, going on with their day, another little incident lingering in the back of their minds along with all of the other ones that were piling up now. 

For the rest of the day, they watched stupid shows on Netflix in Frank's bed together, and it was a good excuse for Gerard to sleep in his bed that night. He was there already, so he may as well, right? That was his justification. 

After the third day of the same thing, their beds smelled like each other, so it really didn't matter which one they slept in anymore, although each preferred the other's, as long as they were in it too. They hadn't kissed for a couple days, and the longer it was since, the harder it was for either of them to just make a move and do something. It was kind of pathetic on both of their parts, they were practically on each other's minds every minute of the day, but for some reason they both so desperately didn't want to lose the other that they stopped themselves from being too forward. 

Gerard had separation issues. (understatement of the year) It made sense though. His life as a human left him, it was torn away before he could even blink. Then Anne was taken away from him by the cruel entity called Death, and Frank was eventually taken away from him as well when he was kicked out. That place which he'd existed in for over a hundred years, was taken away from him when he was banished to Earth, and so he was taught that everything which he learned to get comfortable with eventually got taken away. 

Frank, on the other hand, was just a pussy.

But all joking aside, his girlfriend cheating on him really wounded him, and it took him a very long time to trust people, so although he wanted something from Gerard, he really didn't know what, he just knew he wanted to be with him in every sense of the phrase, and having him sitting right next to them, their arms touching on top of the blanket, he felt like there was just something there preventing him from leaning over and kissing him or something. Maybe if he kissed him more, he would start to feel even stronger things for him, and that was frightening in the fact that he didn't know exactly what Gerard felt about this whole thing. Yes, they'd admitted they had feelings for each other, and even wanted to be more than friends, but when it came to actually doing that very thing, they were both as bad as socially awkward fifteen year olds who were interacting with their crush for the first time.

On Friday, Ray came over and hung out with them for most of the day, so they were spared the awkwardness of being around each other alone, and although Ray knew that they'd kissed that one time in the bar, that's really all that he was aware of, and regarded it as a one off drunken thing. Because if Frank was officially dating Gerard, he would have told him, right? At least he'd hoped so, they were best friends, so he'd better. But when Ray went over to their place, he'd assumed that they were just friends. They weren't acting flirty or anything, and he let himself forget about the shocking kiss in the bar bathroom that he'd walked in on about a month ago now.

They taught Gerard how to play their favourite video game, and before they knew it, it was dark, and Ray went home, telling Frank that they should hang out more often. Frank agreed, and told him he'd call him in a couple days.

-

The next morning, Frank was woken up by something. The sun was up, so it must have been pretty late, they'd stayed up until after midnight the night before, so Frank guessed it was at least ten, if not later. He lay there for a minute trying to figure out what woke him up, before disregarding it and trying to fall back asleep, but then he realized.

Late last night, after Frank pulled on his pyjamas, he went into Gerard's room and crawled into his bed even though Gerard's lights were off already. Gerard hadn't fallen asleep yet though, and never said anything about Frank crawling into his bed, he'd kind of guessed that that may happen, and he gave Frank more of the blanket before letting himself fall asleep, feeling the vague warmth of Frank's body beside him. Even when they were both on their respective sides, using their own pillow, their sides still touched since the spare room only had a double bed, but Gerard was kind of grateful for that, otherwise he would have had to make up some excuse to get closer to him, or spend the whole night silently willing Frank to roll nearer in his sleep.

That thought pattern must have influenced his dreams, because Frank turned his head to the left that calm morning, silently taking what had woken him.

Gerard was laying on his back, the covers pulled up to his shoulders, his head was just slightly tilted backwards on the pillow, just enough for his neck to be more exposed than normal. His eyebrows were just a fraction scrunched together, and his lips were separated. Every once in a while, he'd make the quietest breathy sounds in the back of his throat. 

Frank was absolutely fucking mesmerized. He thought he had an idea of what was going on, and he was genuinely frozen in place, witnessing what was happening. It seemed like Gerard was having a sex dream.

He was making the faintest 'ah' sounds, and it was sort of turning Frank on, he'd never seen Gerard like that before, and he insanely curious about what he was dreaming about. 

Gerard's head lulled to the side, and his mouth closed in the process, a low 'mmm' sound coming from deep in his throat.

He was facing Frank now, and Frank was looking back at him with the widest eyes, but before he could make himself move or do anything really, Gerard's eyes fluttered open, and he took in Frank's face just inches from his. 

Before he had time to process his thoughts too much, Gerard acted on pure instinct, the sex filled dream helping out as a motivator. "Frank," he practically moaned, low and rough sounding. 

"Gerard?" he breathed out, unsure, as he looked up into Gerard's dark eyes, waiting, hoping, for something...


	19. Chapter 19

Before, this could never happen. This would never happen, or at least that's what Gerard was absolutely sure of. 

Because it was all about before. There was so much of it. Twenty-eight years of it. Twenty-eight years of watching, twenty-eight years of caring, twenty-eight years of a growing attachment. A one sided attachment, but an attachment nonetheless. 

And when Gerard lived through Frank's life with him, felt his heartbreak and his joy and his sadness as if it was his own, all he wanted was to really be there. To be the friend that Frank wished he had when he was a teenager, to be the significant other that he longed for, to be the one to hug him in particularly difficult nights, where he would cry silently in his pillow.

It was on the verge of torturous for Gerard, being able to do nothing but influence his fate in the best way he could.

He smiled looking down on Frank when he turned eighteen, and how happy he was that day. And he wished he could be there. He wished he could buy Frank a present and laugh with him among his friends. Frank's friends. But he couldn't. It was impossible.

But Gerard never left. He probably could have left, in some way or another. He could have neglected to do his job if he really wanted to, some angels did that, and they were punished, but they did it anyway. Gerard would never do that, not with Frank.

He was unwavering. And he was there the entire time. He would never give up on him. No matter what happened, he would protect Frank until the day he died. He didn't even want to think of what would come after that. That was the scariest thing of all, knowing that his time looking over Frank was limited. There was something different about him. And although angels often made some sort of bond with their humans, how could they not? They watched over them every day of their life, Gerard couldn't help but feel like this was something immensely stronger. 

It was a bond that surged through heaven and earth and hell and everything in between, from where ever Gerard was up in the universe, to Frank, laying on his bed in the afternoon one day during college, wondering if there was really anyone out there that cared, and he presumed that no, there probably wasn't. 

Because everyone had tough days, that was a give in of life. Every one was depressed at some point, to a certain extent, and in the midst of the unbearable workload that Frank was crumbling under when he was nineteen, he thought: is it really even worth it? Not just law school, but life?

Those were the moments that really broke Gerard's heart. Because he would do anything to convey to Frank how there was someone out there in the universe that would live and die for him, that valued him so greatly and so deeply, that even his most heart shattering moments were beautiful.

But he couldn't. He couldn't convey this to Frank because he had no way to. It was impossible. Despite how much Gerard felt as if Frank was the reason for his entire existence, there would always be that huge barrier between them. It was like Gerard was looking at Frank through a window, he was so clear and so bright right in front of him, but the glass was so thick and cold that he could never truly be there. He could only watch. And while he appreciated just being able to watch, some days it really was not enough. 

So Gerard did the next best thing, since he couldn't tell this to Frank. 

Bob Bryar applied to five colleges, and if Gerard had let the pieces fall into place how they naturally would have, he would have been accepted to all five of them. 

But Gerard tweaked a few things. Maybe some papers got lost in the mail, maybe some head teachers had an intense dislike for facial piercings, because Bob was surprisingly denied from four of the colleges he applied to, leaving him with one option left. Rutgers.

And so the next school semester, the head of residence informed Frank that there were so many students attending that year that he would have to get a new roommate. And Frank reluctantly went with it, he really couldn't say no, and only a few months later, Bob moved in, turning his life around.

Suddenly, Frank didn't feel purposeless anymore. 

He no longer laid on his bed when he got home from class and stared at the ceiling, wondering if anyone would really notice if he disappeared. Because Bob was loud, and Bob was caring, and without him really realizing or trying to, Bob became his best friend and his lifesaver all in one.

Without him, Frank probably wouldn't have made it through college, or really the rest of his life for that matter, but something about him drew him out of that bleak grey blanket that was draped over him freshman year of college.

Bob ripped that blanket off with a force not to be reckoned with, he walked right into Frank's room on the second day of them living together, and started going through Frank's ever growing record collection, purposely starting an argument over which Bouncing Souls album was the best, just to get some sort of reaction out of the lifeless seeming boy, and before Frank really knew it, he was passionately yelling at him, and Bob was smiling, and Frank felt a little bit alive.

But the day that Frank's whole life was torn away from Gerard, was hands down the scariest moment of his life. He could confidently say that it was scarier than the day that he was murdered. Because before when he was human, he wasn't suicidal, but he just didn't have anything that he was scared of losing. He was shot in the back of the head, and it was just blankness. He never even saw it coming, so there was no terror, no sorrow, no feelings. He was just living, and then he was just not, and he wasn't even that sad. 

When he literally fell to earth, his stomach in his throat, plummeting down for hundreds of miles, his eyes squeezed closed, and the sheer terror of weightlessness, all that was running through his mind was that he would never see Frank ever again. He would never get to see his smile once more, hear his laugh, protect him, save him from the world. It was over.

The only thing that prevented Gerard from just letting himself sink into the ocean, once he felt the insanely painful force of the water hitting his skin, was the shred of hope that he could find Frank again, and eventually he did. 

He found him, but this time it was even better. Because he was right next to him, and he could touch him, and hold him, and feel the way the air moved slightly when he walked by, and the tingle of his fingertips on his wrist, and details of his eyes and how his pupils seemed to widen when they stared at each other for a long time. 

It was even better than anything before, because now he was real, now he really could be that person for him. And it took a ridiculous amount of strength to hold himself back from letting Frank see all this when they first met. When Frank opened that door for the first time, Gerard's heart practically fell out of his chest onto the floor, and it took every ounce of his being not to just wrap his arms around him and breath him in and feel his warmth and how he was real. 

So now, months later, with ridiculously impossible hurdles jumped over, and the most difficult things said out loud, he felt as if he was finally letting himself breathe for the first time.

He was breathing, oxygen was absorbed into the capillaries of his lungs like never before, because he was letting go. He was letting go of the worries that this wasn't the right time, that something bad would happen, that they should wait.

Because he'd done enough waiting in his life. He'd waited for death, and then he'd waited for life, and then he'd waited for death again, but now he was alive, and Frank was so alive right next to him that it was like everything was in hypercolor. Everything was so real and so bright, and every breath and brush of their fingertips was like Gerard's protective shell cracking, and breaking, and crumbling apart, but in the best way possible.

Frank's hot breath on his neck, and his fingers running down his side was absolutely destroying him, and he was giving up, and giving in, until the sheets were littered with the invisible pieces of that outer shell breaking away, and he smiled.

Frank was here, and they were together, and he lost total and complete control of himself, as he surged forwards and locked their lips against one another in a way that was so passionate and strong that Frank's breath was knocked out of him completely.

And although Frank's tongue was better than heaven itself, that wasn't what breaking free actually entailed; it entailed absolutely everything.

Without really thinking about it, Gerard was on top of Frank and he was feeling every inch of skin he could, and Frank pushed himself even harder into him, his nails scraping the back of his neck, his leg wrapping around Gerard's, it felt like melting and flying all at once.

Gerard let himself simply feel, and he was running his tongue along the roof of Frank's mouth, his hips smoothly rolling into him like waves, one after the other, and he wasn't even aware of the low noises that he was making in the back of his throat, but Frank was, and it made him impossibly desperate for more, as he eventually widened his legs just a little bit further apart so that Gerard could lay in between them comfortably, putting pressure in all the right places, and Gerard's weight on him was so comforting he never wanted him to leave.

He hooked his leg around Gerard's thigh and moved his hips in time with Gerard, pulling his lower lip into his mouth to suck on. His restless hands ran up Gerard's back, causing it to bunch up around his shoulders, until Gerard eventually lent up and let Frank pull it off.

Gerard practically ripped Frank's shirt off too, before lowering himself again, and sucking the smaller man's tongue into his mouth in a mess of saliva and lust and something even stronger, a certain energy that was vibrating under their skin, like fire coming alive with each other's touch.

Frank's hands ran all over Gerard's back, they were both so warm under the covers, his flesh truly felt alive, emanating heat, his scent intoxicating.

Frank breathed in his hair as Gerard's head travelled lower, kissing down his jaw and neck, licking his way onto his chest, and sucking there, along with gentle lovebites that made the blood rise to the surface.

Seeing the purplish marks rising onto Frank's skin made Gerard feel like he was truly real. He was leaving this imprint on Frank, physically changing him. It just further cemented in his mind that they were finally together, and the bruises that made little moans slip past Frank's lips without his permission would be left behind for days to prove it.

Frank pulled him up to kiss him again, pressing Gerard's lower back against him harder, wanting more. Wanting to feel him.

He didn't want to speak though, they were so scared of speaking before, it caused them to wait so long and rethink everything about the two of them when it was perfectly clear the whole time. They let their circumstances complicate things when really, nothing was complicated about this.

Outside of their bed, in the real world, yes, that was complicated. But in this little universe that they created that allowed them to fall asleep in each other's arms at night without an explanation, or share kisses in the morning where consequences didn't really apply, it simplified everything. There was nothing complicated about the way that his and Gerard's bodies fit perfectly together, that their mouths melded into one, that Frank's hand slipped comfortably into his. It was easy. It always was.

It was never a struggle to fall for Frank. In fact, Gerard couldn't even help it. It was uncontrollable, the way that he was drawn to him, and he let his body give in to it's needs, as he breathed heavily into Frank's mouth, his hands trailing down to Frank's waistband, slowly sliding the fabric down. 

Frank lifted his hips and let Gerard continue, and soon the barrier was down to his ankles, where he kicked his sweats and boxers off the side of the bed.

Being totally naked underneath Gerard was an experience in and of itself, he could feel every part of him so much more sensitively, and his breath hitched as Gerard ground into him once again, their erections rubbing only between two layers of clothing.

Frank hurriedly slid his hands underneath Gerard's pants and underwear, pulling them down as far as he could reach, gasping slightly as they touched skin on skin for the first time, as Gerard kicked them off the rest of the way.

And every other thought began to dissipate out of their minds as they drank in the feeling of simply just being together, giving into that longing that had been nagging in the back of their minds for so long. Instincts were rooted so strongly in people's minds, that they were bound to give into them sometime, whether it would be four days or four months, Frank knew he wanted Gerard, he always wanted Gerard, in every sense of the word.

" _God_ ," Frank breathed out, as Gerard kissed him deeply, his hand wandering down, fingertips brushed over the head of his cock, completely hard and just desperate for anything, to feel him.

Frank whimpered against his mouth, their foreheads pressing together as Gerard palmed him, his warm hand rubbing up and down Frank's cock against his stomach.

He reached down and widened Frank's thighs a little bit more, letting himself fully press their crotches against one another, making Frank bite his lip, and close his eyes briefly. 

Gerard started out with slow movements, every inch of themselves having beautiful friction against one another, the naked contact was unimaginable, Frank tilted his head back and let himself be completely absorbed in the gloriousness of Gerard's cock rubbing against him, the movement of their hips rolling into each other was enough for Frank to be completely overwhelmed by the sensation.

Frank loved the feeling of Gerard's weight on him, and that only made him lose himself in Gerard's body more, his eyes slipping closed, his skin hyper aware of Gerard's face in his neck, panting against the hot skin.

Gerard could feel the heat tightening in his stomach, and he reached in between their flushed bodies, wrapping his hand around both of them as best as he could, adding a little bit of pressure with his thrusts against Frank, pushing him closer to the edge with each noise that Frank made.

Frank's moans didn't sound like his own to his ears, they were high and almost whiny sounding, but he wasn't trying to stop them at this point, one hand clutching the bed sheets, the other digging his nails into Gerard's shoulder, bound to leave little half-moon shapes in his skin.

" _Mmm, Frank_ ," Gerard moaned against Frank's skin, his jaw slack and mouth hanging open against the side of his neck, some spit dripping there from his parted lips. He could feel himself getting impossibly closer, and before he knew it, he was coming all at once, his hips stuttering against Frank's, and the warm come dripping over Gerard's knuckles onto Frank's stomach utterly sent him over the edge, pushing up into Gerard's hand only a few more times before he was coming too, gasping and writhing underneath of him, nails scraping down his side.

And as intensely as it started, they slipped into a calmness, bathing them with a comfortable silence in which they both just breathed heavily and tried to process what was going on, and Gerard slumped against Frank's comfortable body, his arms laying at Frank's sides, before he got enough strength to roll over onto his side, Frank going with him.

Frank could feel Gerard's breath against his face in an even rhythm, and their legs tangled together as he opened his eyes, taking in Gerard's calm face, the orangey morning sunlight washing over his face with a glow that probably had more to do with what they just did than the sunrise.

They laid there together for a long while, so long that Gerard almost fell back asleep, his arm was under Frank's, their bodies just relaxed into the places which they fell, and they were content there. Gerard felt perfect and wanted and whole for the first time.

"...I don't know what to say," Frank whispered after a while, looking down now at his fingers in between Gerard's. 

That was beautiful, and everything he ever wanted it to be, Frank thought. It was like living and dying all at once.

Maybe it was the poet in him that made him feel the need to explain it, but within Gerard's complexity was the appreciation for the simple.

"Then don't say anything," Gerard whispered back, with a lazy smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm getting some confusion about this chapter on Wattpad, about whether or not everything up to this point really happened or if it was Gerard's dream.   
> Yes, it all really happened. Everything before the smut was just Gerard thinking back on his perspective of Frank's life, I guess, and his thoughts leading up to the decision of making a move.   
> The smut happens directly after the ending of last chapter, if that makes sense.


	20. Chapter 20

The sun rose on Monday just as reluctantly as Gerard pulled himself out of Frank's warm embrace.

They didn't talk about what happened the previous morning- they didn't really need to. Of course, Frank was the one to try to overanalyze it immediately after. Why then? What made it the right time? What was Gerard thinking about that all reservations were immediately lost? 

But Gerard wasn't having any of that. It was beyond the right time for him. There was no need for awkward confirmations of what they 'were', laying in the afterglow of what they'd done. It was Frank. There didn't need to be conversation, or stuttering, or shy glances. 

For Frank, it was different. For him, it felt as if Gerard was from the future. A future where him and Gerard had met, maybe at college or at the bookstore, or the coffee shop down the street. And Gerard would ask for Frank's number, and they would date and eventually fall in love. Frank would never date Jamia, because he would already be taken, and this would be their apartment, together. Frank would be the successful lawyer, and Gerard would run the museum. They would be perfect for each other.

But that's not what happened. Frank felt fifty steps behind because Gerard had known him for so long and could easily fall into that scenario of them being together, that he needed time to catch up. It wouldn't be necessarily hard, Frank did feel very strong emotions for him, but it was like Gerard already had everything figured out. Frank struggled with feeling as if they needed to speak about this, but he didn't know what to say. What did he want from him? He wanted them to be together, and they were. But he just... he wanted this all to start from the beginning. Not necessarily the beginning beginning, but he wanted them to date like any normal couple would. They weren't even a couple, that's the thing. They were still roommates. And he didn't want Gerard to be the roommate that he fooled around with. He wanted this to be real.

Because since he'd known Gerard, all they'd talked about was his past. His past had been such a barrier preventing them to even get to know each other, that he just didn't feel especially close to him. He felt comfortable around him because they lived together, but he didn't feel like he knew him. All they'd talked about in over four months was what they couldn't talk about, and that really got them nowhere. 

And that's the conclusion that Frank made when he tried to fall asleep Sunday night in Gerard's bed again. They couldn't keep doing this. Not talking about what they were doing. Gerard wanted to not talk about it, because he was perfectly comfortable with that, but Frank couldn't lay in the arms of his roommate every night without the satisfaction of knowing what they were doing with each other. What they were dong with their lives. He needed answers. 

So he resolved to have a serious talk with Gerard after he got home from work on Monday, because he had to leave the house at a ridiculously early time, and there was no way Frank was discussing anything that important while he was still half asleep. He felt Gerard untangle himself from his arms, feeling the duvet being pulled back over him to keep him warm as he went into the bathroom to get ready. 

Frank fleetingly thought that he should probably get a job soon since he was totally healed, and really did nothing of importance as Gerard went to work all day. But he rolled over into Gerard's warm side of the bed, telling himself he'd deal with it later, before falling back asleep.

-

Frank made a nice dinner that night in hopes that their conversation would go well. He didn't even know what he wanted Gerard to say about this, he just needed him to say something.

He didn't think he'd be the type of person to want to discuss everything in great detail- if two people like each other, they should just do what feels natural, right? But this was a little extreme for Frank. He needed more. He needed closure to their vague conversation they shared a week ago regarding their feelings for each other. He was too old to stay tight lipped about his feelings, constantly waiting for the other person to ask the question. 

He wanted to know what they were. And no matter how much they kissed or how many times they slept in each other's beds, nothing would fill the void of an explanation in Frank's heart. He needed some solid information. 

And maybe he was really just getting too worked up about his whole thing. Making it out to be a way bigger deal than it really was. Possibly because he didn't have a job, and really had nothing else to think about all day than Gerard, and them together, and what everything meant, analyzing every little thing and questioning what would happen in the future. 

Gerard was really the only important aspect of his life at the moment, so he took it very seriously, and he nervously awaited for him to walk through the door. 

Possibly one of the reasons he felt so unsure and insecure about this all, is because now that all of Gerard's issues were sorted out, Frank couldn't see a valid enough reason for Gerard to stay.

Which was ridiculous. Gerard had told him how his entire life was devoted to Frank, but still. Frank didn't understand that Gerard's affections for him were more than a casual crush. He needed to be assured that this was the real deal. Because the last thing that he wanted to do was fall full force into a relationship with him, only for him to get his heart broken again just like with Jamia. He had no idea that she wasn't fully devoted to their relationship anymore, he was blind to the whole thing. And that's what scared him so much about falling in love with someone else. You were open and vulnerable. And as much as he trusted and cared for Gerard, he still had only known him for four months. 

He was just so behind, and he needed clarification, really. He needed to know what Gerard wanted out of this. Because Frank didn't even know himself. 

Before he could think about this any further, though, he heard the key turning in the lock, and stopped automatically stirring the pasta in the pot like he had been for the past five minutes, glancing at the door where Gerard was talking off his jacket and shoes, turning back to the dinner where he prepared it quickly.

"I made dinner," he said to Gerard from the kitchen, straining the pasta and pouring the sauce in, before dishing it into bowls.

"Looks great," Gerard said as he walked to the kitchen table, where Frank joined him with their meal. He watched Gerard take a bite and smile, making a happy sound as he chewed.

Frank chucked. "Glad you like it," he said quietly, continuing to eat, while working up the nerve to start this conversation that he told himself he'd bring up. "So… how was work?" 

Gerard shrugged, taking a drink of water. "It was fine, pretty boring, as per usual," he told him.

Frank nodded, taking a deep breath, while he swirled the pasta endlessly with his fork. The silence made the simple question seem daunting.

"I wanted to ask you something," he finally made himself say, and now that he spoke it, he knew there was no going back. 

"Hmm?" Gerard asked, not knowing what was coming. 

"It's about… us."

Gerard's eyes shot up to Frank's, searching in them for any sign as to what this was about. He couldn't tell, good or bad. "What about us?" he asked hesitantly, heart starting to beat faster.

"I just… I'm having a hard time continuing this- whatever this is… without some kind of conversation, or… just something. Because Gerard, you know that I like you a lot. We've already cleared that up, but," he didn't know how to go on. It was like he couldn't think of any more words. But Gerard just waited for him to continue. "I can't keep doing this not knowing what we are. I owe it to myself to make sure that you want the same thing out of this that I do. Because I'd do anything to avoid getting hurt again like I was before… and I think it would hurt a lot more if it was coming from you."

The silence that followed was so thick that it almost dragged Frank's heart down to a stop. He couldn't feel the fork in his hand, or his thigh under his fingertips. He could see olive hue in Gerard's eyes, and how they moved frantically under the weight of this all. 

"What do you want out of this?" Gerard retorted gently, answering a question with a question.

"No, what do you want?" Frank pressed back. "I need to know. Because I don't even know what I want. I couldn't answer even if I wanted to."

"I don't wanna go too far though," Gerard said.

"What do you mean?" 

"… I don't want to say anything that's too much too soon, if you get what I mean," Gerard told him.

"But that's what I need, Gerard. I need something. I need clarification. Because I'm drowning in the silent flirting and not talking, and kissing without explanations, and … yesterday morning," he said, seeing the worry in Gerard's eyes. "Yesterday morning was…" he looked away. "It was great. It was perfect, but, I can't do that without it eating away at me that there might not be anything more. Anything deeper than just physical. So… what do you want?" he concluded.

Gerard swallowed, his adam's apple making a slight movement in his throat. His hands were shaky. He set his fork down before he dropped it. "I want you, Frank."

Frank turned back to him. "But what does that mean?"

"I want everything," Gerard said, just above a whisper. He couldn't read Frank's face. Was that astonishment? Or just the overall nervousness that Frank seemed to be shrouded in recently?

"Everything?" he asked.

Gerard's tongue licked over his lower lip quickly. He looked down at his food. "I want you Frank, in every way that that entails. I want to… sleep next to you at night, and see you first thing when I get home from work. I want to take care of you, when you're sick, or just in general. I want to kiss you, like, all the time, and do other things as well," he smirked. "I just want to be here. I want to be the one to make you smile when you're sad. And meet your family, and I know that you can't meet mine, but that's okay. I wanna get older with you, now that I can age. I wanna throw you a birthday party like I've always wanted to, and never miss out on anything ever again," he paused.

Frank was smiling so big, staring at Gerard in awe and admiration. He really just did not know what to say. He could feel tears burning in his eyes, but he tried to hold them back as much as possible.

"But most of all, I really just wanna be able to call you mine." Gerard told him, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Frank could barely feel the few tears roll down onto his shirt. "Come here," he rushed, and pulled Gerard over to him around the table.

Gerard sat up quickly, and fell to his knees beside Frank's chair, as Frank pulled him into a kiss. Frank was taller than him now, and Gerard tilted his head back so that Frank could lean down and kiss him, Frank's hands were twisted in the front of his shirt, holding him in place, and the kiss was like pure oxygen, Frank couldn't get over the word 'mine', playing over and over in his head, the way that Gerard had said it made his insides flutter and his heart practically flatline. 

Gerard eventually pulled him down, out of his chair, and soon they were both sitting on the floor, kissing each other with a kind of passion that was great because of its simplicity. It was just two lips against one another's. Two bodies that wanted to be together. That was it. Their bodies were drawn towards each other before Frank even knew Gerard's first name. Before he had even known Gerard at all, their destiny seemed to be written in the stars, and Frank never wanted to untangle his arms from around Gerard's neck, or pull away from his warm embrace.

Gerard was the one to lean back after awhile, instantly craving to feel Frank's tongue once again, but they were getting ahead of themselves. They just caught their breath for a moment, Frank shifting his position on the hard kitchen floor. Gerard glanced at Frank's lips, red and wet… -No, he had to focus.

"What do you want?" he asked, needing to hear it from Frank also. Now that they started this conversation, they may as well finish it. He had to be sure.

"I wanna be yours. I wanna be all yours," Frank told him, and Gerard almost couldn't believe his ears, or that this was real.

Gerard immediately pulled him into a hug, his arms tightly around Frank's shoulders, Frank's around Gerard's torso. He sighed contently with Frank in his arms, leaning his head against Frank's, whose face was nestled in his neck. He turned his face into Frank's hair, kissing his temple. "You're all mine, Frankie. And I've always been yours."

They sat there in each other's arms for the longest time, just drawing out the moment for all it was worth, until the shock wore off slightly, and it got uncomfortable, and they eventually broke apart, looking at each other and smiling, because this was the best thing to happen to them since they'd met each other. 

Gerard helped him clean up dinner, and they resolved to watch a movie just for an excuse to cuddle with each other more, not that they needed one, but they needed something to fill the silence, even if they didn't watch the movie at all.

Frank put one in the player, and sat beside Gerard on the couch, who put his arm around Frank, and pulled his legs up across his lap. He pulled Frank into his chest, and he went willingly, hugging Gerard's middle, head on his shoulder, as Gerard wrapped his arms comfortably around his waist, watching the movie comfortable silence, absorbing the warmth of each other's bodies.

Gerard held him so closely, he loved the feeling of having Frank in his arms. He was so small, he fit perfectly against him, and he couldn't help himself from turning into him and kissing the corner of his mouth every once in a while. Just knowing that he was his was the most amazing feeling in the world.

Part way through the movie, Frank brought his hand up underneath Gerard's shirt and rubbed smooth circles into his side. He just needed to feel skin on skin, and it almost made Gerard fall asleep, until the credits rolled, and he was awakened out of his half-asleep state by Frank leaning forward for the remote.

With the tv off, Frank turned to Gerard again, taking in his sleepy face. "You tired?" he asked, bringing his hand up to hold his face for no reason whatsoever.

Gerard nodded. "Mhmm."

Frank laid his head on his shoulder once again, pressing his nose into his neck. Gerard's eyes slipped closed, his thumb moving back and forth on Frank's back. 

Frank pressed a gentle kiss to Gerard's neck. And then another one, closed mouth, just holding his lips there again and again, until his lips began to fall further apart, and his tongue made warm contact with Gerard's neck, just enough to make a little wet spot there. 

When Gerard never said anything, or made any movement to stop him, he did it again, opening his lips against the sensitive side of Gerard's neck, licking a spot there, as he sucked at the spot, his teeth gently grazing the area. He heard Gerard sigh at that.

Frank brought his hand to hold the other side of Gerard's neck gently, his thumb under his jaw, his fingertips in the back of his hair at his neck, as he began to make a hickey on Gerard's neck, practically making out with the area, biting softly to bruise his chosen spot. 

He smiled against his neck as Gerard made some sort of noise in the back of his throat, soft and content in what Frank was doing. 

He turned his head into Frank's and was about kiss him, when froze mid lean-in.

There was a knock at the door.

Frank's eyes widened, looking into Gerard's. It wasn't super late. Just after dinner, but he wasn't expecting anybody.

The only person it could be was Ray, but he didn't usually come by without confirming with Frank before. In their frozen silence, the knock sounded again, loud and harsh. The door was only feet away from them, for some reason Frank grew nervous for who was on the other side. Which was ridiculous. It was probably just Ray, or one of his neighbours.

He gave Gerard a glance, before he slowly got up out of Gerard's embrace and walked to the door, turning on the light in the process so that he could see who it was.

He undid the chain lock and the dead bolt, before opening the door. 

On the other side stood a man that Frank had never seen before, taller than him, of course, wearing a hat, relatively normal looking, except there was something about his eyes. Something… dark.

"Um, hi?" Frank asked.

The man held out an envelope, which Frank stared at for a moment before hesitantly reaching out and taking it. "What's this?" he asked. 

The man just shrugged, before turning around and walking away down the hallway, in which Frank turned around and looked at Gerard questioningly.

"Who was it?" Gerard asked.

"I don't know, they just walked away," Frank told him, when Gerard walked over to the door.

They both stepped into the hallway, looking both ways down it, but the man was no where in sight. Which was odd, because he would have had to wait for the elevator. Unless he took the fire escape? But that had an eight foot jump at the bottom.

They both looked at each other with 'what the fuck' glances, before going back inside.

Frank dead bolted the door behind them, finally taking a closer look at the envelope.

Scrawled across the front was a simple name. 'Gerard'.

"It's for you," Frank told him, handing him the envelope.

Gerard looked very cautious, they were both extremely concerned. As far as they knew, Frank was the only person on earth that Gerard knew previously, right?

He tentatively opened the envelope, taking out the piece of paper that was inside, unfolding it.

Frank raised his eyebrows at him.

Gerard looked up. 

"...It's from my brother."


	21. Chapter 21

"What do you mean, it's from your brother?" Frank asked, standing there in shock.

Gerard just shook his head, his eyes scanning so quickly through the letter, but he wasn't really absorbing any of it at all. "I… I don't know… I haven't talked to my brother since before I died."

Frank thought about this for a second. "Then how is it possible that he's contacting you? I thought you died like a hundred and forty years ago or something?"

"Yeah- yeah I did," Gerard said quietly, not even knowing how to answer Frank's questions because he had the same ones himself. Honestly, Mikey crossed through his mind every once in a while, he never forgot about him, but after about the ninety year mark, he forced himself to be at peace with the knowledge that Mikey was most likely dead. He just had to accept that, and it was a difficult pill to swallow, but he had nothing but time, and he did accept it after a while.

But now…

"What does it say?" Frank asked impatiently.

"I'll read it, come here," Gerard told him, both of them sitting beside each other on the couch that they'd been cuddling on previously. The aura of relaxation and romance was long gone, a fog of mystery pouring into the room, the kind that felt as if it was creeping up Frank's spine, and made him check behind his shoulder every once in a while, no matter how irrational his paranoias were.

Gerard settled in, flattening the letter in front of him, and began reading aloud. 

"Gerard,

It's Mikey, your bother. I hope you haven't forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten about you, but we're in entirely different circumstances, so I wouldn't blame you if you had.

I know that this may be a bit weird, hearing from me after so long, but please, I really need your help.

But before I ask you for this huge favour, I need to go over the backstory, catch you up on what happened before you'd died. And how I know that you're still alive at all.

I hope that this doesn't upset you to know, but I'm sure you'd find out sometime. After that man murdered you, he came after me too. I don't know what he wanted, or why he wanted both of us dead, but it probably had something to do with money. We both know that mom and dad were well off, he probably thought that we were wealthy as well, even though that wasn't the case. 

He was at your funeral. You know that no one ever found your body? There was blood everywhere in the alley, there were witnesses that heard the gunshots, but the body was never found. The police at the time assumed that the murderer took the body with him, but knowing what I know now, your body went with you where ever you went when you became an angel. I don't know if you remember that part, after your death, but your body must have just vanished with you.

Anyway, I saw him at the funeral, and didn't think anything of it. Thought he was a distant relative or something. But after I left, I noticed someone following me home, but before I could do anything about it, as I was on the outskirts of town, I felt a pain in the back of my head and that was it. I was out.

I know that he's the one that did it, and to this day I don't know what his motivation was, but I never forgot.

When I woke up after though, I was in a strange place. There were lots of other people around, taking care of me, and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I was an angel. But at the time, I had no idea you were one too. I thought you were dead. Honestly, if I knew you were there too, if we could have found each other, I probably wouldn't have done what I did, but nobody could control that I guess. You know that they confine you in the first few weeks, tell you the rules, get used to everything, assign you your first person.

But I was still so mad, I didn't want to do any of it. I hadn't given up my human life, I didn't want to help others yet, I wanted revenge still. And I was so full of anger, and spite, and sadness, that I couldn't possibly stay there in that strangely serene place and pretend like everything was fine. 

I tried to run, but you probably know that that doesn't work. There's just nothingness beyond, and I didn't want to risk jumping over the edge, I didn't know what would happen to me if I did. I still don't. Maybe you can truly die if you jump over the edge there, but of course, we would never hear from any angel that tried it, so I guess I'll never know.

So I just resorted to rebelling. I didn't do my job, I didn't stick to their rules. And after a while, they said they'd kick me out if I didn't start doing my job. So I said do it. Kick me out, I wanted to be. So they did just what they did to you, ripped my wings off and sent me back to earth. And at first I was disoriented, but once I found my bearings, I was after one thing and one thing only. To kill that man.

Now I wanted revenge for both of us, it was one thing to kill you, but me also? Now I wasn't going to just put him down, I was going to go all out. So I stole a whole bunch of supplies since I obviously had no money or job or anything. And I eventually found where he lived. 

I'll spare you the gory details, but I was in a rage. I broke in and killed him. I made sure to tell him that it was for killing both of us right before I did it too. 

But that didn't feel like enough. That didn't feel like what I'd travelled all the way back to earth over, even after I'd died. So I doused his entire house in gasoline, and lit it on fire. After I'd done this, my duty was pretty much done, (mind you, this was before I knew that I couldn't die, because I was still an angel), so I shot myself in the burning house. Not knowing that it would fail to end my life.

And I blacked out for a while, but when I woke up, I was in an entirely different place. A horrible place. I was told that this is was my punishment for breaking the rules. As an angel, and also back on earth. I'd not only killed the man, but his wife and children. And I did feel guilty about the children, I really did, but you have to understand, I was so mad that he took my entire life away with one bullet. One gunshot and my future was stolen from me, yours as well. 

I was in Hell. 

And honestly, if you're thinking that it's all fiery pits and torture, it really isn't. Hell is isolation. Hell is loneliness.

There's servants down here too, just like the angels, forced to work there and pay for their sins. The person that delivered this letter to you, his name is Pete, I know him from here. He's a servant, and I rarely saw him in passing, but there was something different about him. I think that he could see that there was something different about me too. Because everyone here is lifeless, and cruel.

The people have been locked up here for ages, the other servants look like the living dead as well. They've all done terrible things to end up here, mine is one of the more minor ones. 

But Pete started breaking the rules for me. He started talking to me, and we've been friends, I guess, for a while. I don't know what you think that Hell is like, but it's pretty much sitting in darkness, getting checked up on by a servant every five years or so. Most of the people here have gone crazy because of the solitude, scratching stuff on the walls, trying to kill themselves or others, but I know that it won't work. That's the whole point, that we have to suffer here forever.

If it wasn't for Pete, I'd probably be like that too, but there's not really anyone from stopping us from talking. His punishment is being forced to oversee our area, he was made a demon so that he can never die, just like me. He's allowed to leave, if it's on 'business'. We might have twisted the rules a bit, but no one has to know. He didn't want to talk to you because we've already done things we weren't supposed to, he didn't want to make it any worse. He's scared that there'll be some sort of punishment if we're found out, but I don't think that there is a punishment. Being down here is our punishment already. We're threatened with lots of things, but I think that they're all scare tactics, because never once have I seen Satan or any shit like that, we're pretty much in a huge underground prison that connects to many other ones all across the world by tunnels. 

And also, none of us can die, I guess, but other than that minor difference, it's pretty much just a jail. An eternal jail. And I'm sure that no one has ever delivered a message to the surface, I'm probably the first, thanks to Pete. Technically he's a demon, but he had a kind heart. 

So what I'm asking of you Gerard, is to help me. To free me. I can't leave with Pete, we've tried, but it's like there's an invisible barrier at the opening that I physically can't cross with him. He says that only a human can take me out of here. No human has ever come down here, but if you found me, you could get me out. And I know that this is a lot to ask- you'd be endangering your life, because honestly I can't guarantee that this is safe, I mean, it's Hell.

But I'm begging you, if you ever loved me, save me. 

Hopefully I'll see you soon, if not, I understand. It's a big risk. I love you.

-Mikey

P.S. If you're wondering how I know all this about you, I kind of got Pete to spy on you when we first met, so sorry if that's creepy but I had to see if you were okay. As a demon, he can briefly look into other people's minds, and he's been updating me every once in a while on how you are. After he delivers the letter, he'll stop though. Once I know that you got it, there's nothing more that I can do. If you're absolutely sure that you want to do this, knowing all the risks, you'll find what you need with mom and dad."

Gerard re-folded the letter of about five double sided pages, covered in Mikey's cramped, messy writing. He set it down on the coffee table, just looking down at the couch in silence.

Frank was staring at the wall. 

Neither of them knew what to think, or how to process any of this. Frank was much more traumatized than Gerard, who had a little more knowledge about the unsettling corners of the universe, but Frank, fragile human Frank, was numbed into a zombie-like state, the words of the letter repeating over and over in his head.

Knowing that angels are real, this really shouldn't surprise him, theoretically, because with the light always must come the dark. There must always be bad to balance out the good in the world, because the universe was just unfair in that way. Karma was a very real entity, and you got what you dished out in life, it seemed, one way or another. Whether justice was served to you on earth, it didn't matter, apparently, it would all come around some time.

And really, Frank was having such a hard time processing this, because he never was religious. He never believed in any of this. But this was going way further than biblical stories to teach people a lesson. This was real. Heaven and hell weren't threats or methods of encouragement to do good in the world, to treat people how you wanted to be treated. These weren't stories to frighten the naive, this was something a hundred feet under their very feet.

"You have a brother?" Frank broke the silence after what seemed like ages of them just sitting there, their eyes unfocused and just looking through each other, lost in the swirling mess of their own thoughts.

Gerard nodded. "Uh, yeah."

"… You never told me about him," Frank stated.

Gerard looked at him for real this time. "I thought he was dead. There wasn't much to say."

They were silent again, Frank had questions, but by the look on Gerard's face, he thought he better just keep quiet while he calms down a bit, or works through whatever internal breakdown he was having at the moment. His eyes were blank, but the kind of blank that you can tell people are panicking inside. 

After many minutes ticked by of them taking in the ringing quietness, and uncomfortableness about this whole thing, Gerard finally spoke, starting with a deep sigh.

"Are we really gonna do this?" He asked Frank.

Frank looked up at him. "Go to Hell?" 

Gerard bit his lip. "It's my brother."

Frank sighed. "I know it's your brother," he said firmly. "And I'm not saying we're not doing it. But just for a second, think about it."

"I am!" he shouted.  
"It's Hell!" Frank shouted back.

"I know, Frankie! But think about how long he's been down there!"

"…Fuck, Gerard," Frank cursed, running his hands roughly through his hair, his head down, elbows on his knees. Why the fuck did stuff like this keep happening to them? Well, he presumed this is what you had to go through if you were in dating an ex-angel. Not exactly an ordinary relationship.

"We'll think about it. We'll obviously think about it," Gerard said after a while, quietly. Because this was a life-changing decision. He couldn't be sure what would happen down there. And now that he was human, he could die just as easily as Frank could. Which was the whole reason he could go rescue Mikey in the first place, a human soul had to take him across the boundary, but that was the whole point. You had to have someone willing enough to risk that for you. Not like he was absolutely sure that anything like this had been done before, but Pete and Mikey seemed to be sure that it would work, so it was pretty much up to him now to be the decider. 

Him and Frank seemed to be doing many things that had rarely been done before recently, and once upon a time Frank thought that his life wouldn't be fulfilling. 

He was so, so wrong. 

Guess that he should have been careful what he wished for, because the thought of Mikey suffering for the past hundred and forty years down in some dungeon hundreds of feet under the ground really ate away at Gerard, so much so that no matter how much he wanted to stay in his and Frank's safe cocoon of their bedsheets, morally, he knew that he had to help his brother. He was his brother, after all. 

He'd avenged Gerard's and his own life, and for that, he would be forever grateful, because now he could finally sleep peacefully knowing that their murderer got what he deserved.

Gerard owed it to Mikey to rescue him, and he knew that, sitting across from Frank in the silence of their living room, not really knowing how to tell his boyfriend of approximately three hours that he'd already sort of made up his mind.

And knowing Frank, he really would follow Gerard to through Hell and back, if it meant that he could hold his hand along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should really go listen to It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's A Deathwish, and pay close attention to the lyrics, because they hardcore relate to this chapter in every way.


	22. Chapter 22

Frank rolled over in bed, looking at Gerard's sleeping face. Or at least he thought that he was sleeping, he didn't really know. His lip was starting to hurt from biting it so much, constantly ripping at the skin there out of shear nervousness.

They were safe. They were calm, and together, and their bed was so warm, and Gerard's body felt so good lying next to his. With every ounce of his being, he did not want to do anything to jeopardize that. 

But without even asking him, he could tell that Gerard was considering it. Deeply considering it. 

And Frank felt so fucking selfish, because he wanted Gerard all to himself. He wanted what they had to last forever, he didn't want to leave their little universe and travel into the real world. They'd been in the real world and all it gave them back was heartache and violence. The universe was ugly, and unfair, and the only thing that wasn't ugly to Frank was Gerard.

He moved closer to him, not caring whether he was asleep or not, pushing his leg in between Gerard's, causing him to open his eyes. 

Frank was staring at his lips. He reached up and touched his face. "What are you thinking about?" he asked him, eyes meeting Gerard's.

Gerard looked into him knowingly. "You know what I'm thinking about," he whispered to him. Frank didn't know if he looked apologetic or worried or maybe both. 

Frank just gave him a look back, a look which showed how he felt about this whole thing. He didn't want to say anything, because he couldn't. What was he supposed to say? I want to keep you all to myself because the idea of us risking our lives and the possibility of me losing you just to find your brother whom I've never met is not a chance I'm willing to take? He couldn't say that.

He silently leaned in and brought their lips together. It was a slow kiss, soft, but meaningful. Frank tried to convey everything that he wanted to say in that touch. It was a sad kiss, a kiss that said 'I don't want to lose you'. He held Gerard's face in place, and kissed him, again and again. 

"Shhh, it's okay," Gerard said against his lips after a while, when he could tell that Frank's breaths were starting to get more and more uneven, for all the wrong reasons.

Frank's eyes were still closed. He could feel Gerard's warm arms around him. He didn't know what to say, he felt like the decision was already made for him. And it sort of was. It was Gerard's brother, not his. He didn't have any siblings, he didn't know what it was like, although he could imagine.

"You don't understand how much I don't want to lose you," Frank whispered feather light against his lips, in a way that Gerard was absolutely certain to hear the emotion behind it. Frank's words felt like a weird mixture of filling his heart to the brim and ripping it open all at once. He guessed that was just what happened when you were falling in love with somebody. Everything they do simultaneously hurts you and gives you purpose at the same time. In one second. In one blink. In one heartbeat. In one breath. It's love and pain all at once. 

And Frank was never one to be masochistic, but he would never want it any other way. He would never want Gerard in any other way than this way. This immensely powerful and all encompassing way in which he was actually going to go to Hell with him, just so that they wouldn't have to be apart.

That was it right there, really. That was their relationship. 

If a person believed that everyone's lives were predetermined, that the events of your life were already mapped out, and no matter how much you tried to make it go one way or another, it would always turn out the same way, one could say that Gerard was murdered for Frank. And Gerard was turned into an angel just for Frank. And Gerard fell to earth just for Frank. Gerard was meant for Frank. Because Gerard was Frank's destiny.

If you believed in this philosophy, it wouldn't matter what time period they were born in, where they lived, what occupation they held, it would always turn out the same way. They were meant to be together. And they would find each other no matter how ridiculous or far fetched it seemed. This was one of the more outlandish ones. Gerard being Frank's angel. 

They were undeniably drawn to each other, for seemingly no reason other than being in the right place at the right time. But hypothetically, this was written in the stars. Since their consciousness was created, before Frank was Frank and Gerard was Gerard, their paths were bound to cross at some point in time, they were bound to crash into each other at full force, creating an explosion of all that they were made of: love, and lust, and sorrow, and anger, and grief, and frustration, and joy, and absolutely everything in between. 

Both of their cars would collide. 

And they would be together.

Whether it was for a moment or an eternity.

Gerard's touch on Frank's skin was an infinity all in it's own, and he was lost in it. Lost in the haze that was him. It was all him. It always would be him. 

And so he silently gave in. He was fooling himself, pretending to debate it. It was only to soothe his conscience. When in all reality, he could never give this up, no matter how much he thought he wanted to. He could never walk away from this. 

That was the thing about falling in love. 

Sometimes it hurt. And sometimes it was the opposite of good for you. But sometimes it seemed like everything Frank had ever wanted.

-

They didn't have to talk about it. It would only hurt too much.

Gerard's hand in his was the only source of comfort for Frank in that moment, it was as if the world knew what they were doing that day. What they had silently decided. 

The clouds were thick and heavy, looking as if rain would pour down at any moment, an ominous chill lingered in the air continuously, causing them to wait. To wait for the rain that may not ever come. It looked as if it was dusk even though it was mid morning. The branches of the trees shivered as Frank walked down the empty sidewalk with Gerard.

Gerard knew vaguely where they were going, Frank did not. So he blindly followed. He watched their feet falling upon the cracks in the sidewalk, everything was imperfection. The road was dirty, still covered in the dead leaves and residue left over from the fall. It was supposed to be spring, and even though the snow had melted, Jersey was still stuck in that in-between state. The grass was crunchy and dead, the trees barren, the wind had an unsettling bite to it that stayed later than it was welcomed.

Nature was reluctant to transition into spring. It wanted to stay blank and dead just a little bit longer. Frank was hesitant to walk into the cemetery Gerard was leading him into, it loomed ahead, the metal gates visible. But Gerard's hand provided warmth. It was reassuring, it was the only thing that was reassuring about this.

The gates were closed, but Gerard pushed them open with his free hand, Frank following over the brown grass that carpeted the land of the dead. The sea of headstones went on forever, it seemed, all the stones seated deeply in the ground seeming cold, and unfamiliar.

He couldn't fathom how there were people that used to be living six feet under their feet. This was not a place that people should put their loved ones, he thought. This place was lonely. And there was nothing human about the generic names and dates carved into the grey, square stones, in Times New Roman. The only reminder that the dead lay underneath were the rotting flowers placed atop some of the graves, an ironic way to show love. 

It was only when they'd walked halfway across the graveyard that Frank thought to ask him.

"Do you know where we're going?" he asked Gerard, whose eyes were scanning the headstones that sat in rows.

"No, I never got to come here before. But it's not that big, we'll find them," he assured Frank, telling him that they might be there for a while.

Frank didn't want to split up with him, to search the area more quickly. He knew that he might have been acting childish. Gerard never said any such thing, but Frank thought it himself. He was a grown man. Why had he become so goddamn attached to Gerard recently? Well, it probably had something to do with the fact that he had almost lost him once already, he was reluctant to leave him out of his reach as of late, he didn't want to be apart from him for even a second, and he presumed that Gerard felt much the same way. He never protested when Frank grabbed his hand as soon as they got out of the car, in fact, he held it even tighter as they walked to the cemetery, so Frank never really thought anything of it.

It was like he physically didn't want to be separated from him, and normally that would just be classified as being clingy, but when it was mutual, it seemed like something else was going on entirely. An outsider may say that it just meant that they were in love, but really, Frank had an idea of why it felt this way. He never used to feel this attached to Gerard. Of course, he didn't want to be away from him, he loved spending time with him, but this was on a whole different level.

It was almost as if Gerard had a part of Frank's soul inside of him, connecting the both of them on a much deeper level than either of them could even comprehend, which in fact, turned out to be true. It was like an invisible tether holding them together, and they didn't want to break it. They embraced it, and they knew what it meant. It took them a while to realize, but as Gerard's wound healed and they tried to go back to normal, (whatever that meant), it became apparent. 

Everything felt right when they were together. They wanted to be together, in every way that that meant, it was as if Gerard was magnetically drawn to him, and that really did add a whole new aspect to their relationship. One that they had to live with, but really, it wasn't anything that Frank would ever complain about. Gerard would always want to be with him, they both knew that, so what was one more level adding to this complicated mess of things? What was one more layer solidifying the fact that that they wanted to be together? 

It was Frank's fingers continuously intertwined with Gerard's, as they searched for his dead parents.

It was the way that their footsteps fell in sync. And it was also the way that they simultaneously sighed as they reached the last headstone that lay in the cemetery, disappointingly not either of Gerard's parents, confusing the both of them as to what was actually going on here.

"I don't get it," Frank said into the still air, looking over at Gerard as he scanned the area one last time, as if their graves would suddenly be clear to them after an hour of searching. No such thing happened.

Gerard turned to him, looking slightly down as he pushed his hair out of his face, the slight wind blowing it in his face. "Me neither. I was sure they'd be here. I mean, where else would they be? Unless they moved?…" he trailed off, looking into the distance. "But Mikey said that what we needed would be with mom and dad. If they moved he would have told us, right? He knows that we don't know anything about them after I died?" he asked rhetorically.

Frank just shook his head, eyes searching the desolate scene in front of them. "I don't know," he said helpfully.

They walked back to the car, abandoning the cemetery that held no truth for them, Frank's face was numb and wind-whipped by the time they made it to their vehicle, the cold sliced through his hoodie easily, and he shivered, sitting in the car beside Gerard. The engine wasn't running, they were just sitting there, Gerard in the passenger seat, elbow on the door frame, biting his thumbnail. Frank stared blankly out of the windshield. They didn't really know what to do. Mikey did not provide them with a lot to go on, how to get to him.

"Wanna go home?" Gerard asked after a long while of Frank just sitting there and not doing anything.

He sighed, and started the car.

What the fuck are we doing, he thought. Searching for Gerard's dead parents so that they could find Mikey in literal Hell. It was just too much for him to comprehend. He felt kind of numb from it all, it was a lot to take in.

He didn't remember when his life morphed into this. One moment Gerard was just his roommate. A little shady, but his roommate nonetheless. Frank always felt that something was off about him. Some thing was different. He had no idea that that would lead into this… everything that they'd done and everything they were going to do. He was just a normal person and now it's turned into this. Whatever this was. He just wanted to feel normal again. He hadn't felt that in a while. He hadn't felt normal since the day that Gerard moved in, in retrospect.

Before he realized, they were parked in front of his apartment, it was like he was on autopilot the whole drive, just thinking about everything. 

They walked into the building, going into the elevator and up to the apartment. Gerard unlocked the door, and they stepped inside. Frank was lost in his thoughts still, until he realized they were standing inside the door, he kicked off his shoes, locking the door behind them. 

Gerard was facing the other way, taking off his jacket. Frank took off his hoodie and threw it aside, before stepping in front of Gerard. He looked up at Frank, his jacket now on the rack, waiting for him to say something. He could tell Frank was standing there with purpose, about to say something.

Frank stepped forward, in his space, and met their lips together. This was not something new, by now. But it felt different, to Gerard. This was a kiss with purpose, rather than their little reassurances throughout the day. Gerard was a little taken aback to be kissed so deeply there in the hallway, Frank held his hips, opening Gerard's mouth with his, just trying to get something, to feel something. This all felt like such a whirlwind, this all felt so unreal. He needed something solid, something tactile. Gerard.

Gerard's arms naturally circled around Frank. He leant back a little bit. "What?" he asked him, knowing that this kiss wasn't just nothing. It wasn't casual. You didn't kiss somebody in passing like this. This was the type of kiss that lead to other things, the type of kiss that you wouldn't want anyone else to see.

Frank met his eyes, his expression darkened. It was like he struggled for words. "I just need something," he told him, moving to nuzzle his neck. "I need you," he said quietly against his skin. Gerard's body came alive at those words, he tipped Frank's head back from it's position nestled against his neck, and he kissed him again. His fingers were buried deep in his long hair. Frank's hair was wavy in it's length, it framed his face, and curled around his neck. Gerard loved running his fingers through it when Frank was falling asleep. And also when they were making out.

Frank pulled him backwards, vaguely knowing where they were going, and Gerard wasn't even looking, trusting that Frank was leading them the right way, until Frank's back unexpectedly hit the wall. It scared him for a fleeting second, but it soon vanished out of his mind as Gerard pressed up against him, using the wall to box Frank in. 

He loved it, his senses being filled with him. It was all Gerard, all he could feel, all he could taste, all he could see. He reached up and cradled his face, Gerard's hair brushed against his cheeks sometimes. A warm, comforting sensation ran through his body, starting from Gerard's tongue moving deeply in his mouth, the feeling surging down through his core, hot and consuming.

His hands subconsciously fumbled with the bottom of Gerard's shirt, wanting to take it off. Soon he pulled it up enough that Gerard had no choice, they separated for a millisecond as Frank ripped it over his head and onto the floor. 

Gerard's hand ran up underneath Frank's shirt, feeling his flesh, the slight curve of his hips, his soft stomach, his chest. At some point he pulled Frank's shirt off too, exposing the tattoos he had all over his body. He'd had plenty of time to look at them before, he just envisioned them as he felt the expanse of skin, his smooth back. 

When it all got too much to grind into each other in the hallway anymore, Gerard's hand's trailed down, over Frank's hips to the back of his thighs, pulling him up. Frank got the hint and jumped up slightly, wrapping his legs around Gerard's waist, held securely under his thighs.

Frank's arms were wrapped around Gerard's neck, one of his hands tangled in the back of his hair there, their lips never parting as Gerard walked down the hallway, into their bedroom. Frank's room was their bedroom now, Gerard moved his clothes into Frank's closet long ago. It was their bed that Gerard lowered him on, leaning up on one elbow as he continued to kiss Frank, letting himself be completely lost in the feeling.

They were going to forget about everything that was happening to them as of late, and everything that they'd been through. They were just a couple, Gerard thought. They were just a normal couple that did normal couple things like make out on their bed. They didn't go to cemeteries, they didn't preform makeshift surgeries, they made supper together and fell asleep in each other's arms. That's all they did, he told himself.

And Frank ignored the stitches running vertically down the middle of Gerard's chest as he laid beneath him, focusing solely on his lips, and everything that Gerard made him feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Changes by Deftones really goes with this story. Especially the "I watched a change in you, it's like you never had wings. Now you feel so alive," part. I'm kind of thinking about making a playlist for this story, we'll see.


	23. Chapter 23

Frank let himself forget about all of this for just a second, let himself forget about the mysterious fact that Gerard's parent's graves could not be found in the cemetery. 

That wasn't even in his mind, all he was focusing on right now was Gerard, and the second that Gerard set him down on their bed, everything else was out of his mind. This was their special place, where nothing else could get to them.

Gerard was straddling Frank, his hands roaming down his inked body, his fingers tucking in the waistband of Frank's jeans. 

Frank's head tipped back when Gerard's lips tore away from his own, leaving sloppy kisses down his chin, his jaw, his neck, and then his chest. He could vaguely feel Gerard's fingers struggling to open his jeans, he would be more aware of that if Gerard's sinful fucking tongue wasn't roaming all over his stomach as he multitasked. 

Gerard saw Frank's stomach muscles flutter ever so slightly when he finally undid the zipper, placing his warm open palm on Frank's dick through the open triangle of his fly. With only the thin layer of his boxers between his skin and Gerard's hand, he was hyper aware of every movement, every caress of Gerard's fingers over the sensitive area.

He was basically just a hot, panting mess underneath of Gerard, his brain totally shut off with the things that Gerard was doing to him, and honestly, Gerard was just teasing him by now, getting the most out of that brief moment when, it's too late to back out, but nothing is actually happening yet. The room feels just a little too hot, and all you can think about is the other person, and your body becomes so fucking sensitive to every little thing, just waiting, and knowing what's coming, and needing… something, anything.

Gerard dragged his lips across Frank's lower stomach, his nose brushing through the soft hair trailing down from his navel. He could hear Frank breathing heavier, his breath halting when he felt the burst of air over his skin when Gerard breathed out.

But eventually, Gerard didn't want to wait any longer, he wanted to make Frank to feel good, he wanted to do this for him, because Frank said that he needed him, and so of course, he was happy to be there for him, in whatever way he wanted him to. Trust him, he couldn't wait to taste Frank's skin, taste him everywhere, despite how dirty that sounded, it was the truth. He wanted him.

When he finally pulled down Frank's jeans as much as he could, Frank snapped himself out of whatever floaty head space he was in, to help Gerard get his tight jeans off. He pushed them down over his knees and Gerard pulled them off the rest of the way, and onto the floor. Gerard then looked at Frank, his eyes darkened in a way that made Frank's body flash with a sudden heat, because that look. That look could fucking kill him. 

Gerard surged forward and kissed Frank again, meeting their tongues together as he slipped Frank's underwear off and onto the floor, finally having him naked beneath him. One of his hands was holding the side of Frank's face, as he ran the other down Frank's body to the inside of his thigh, just running over the skin there, feeling, taking it all in. There was no rush, and he wanted to remember this. He wanted to remember every moment with Frank. He wanted to memorize the way that his lips felt against his, the way that he responded to every little touch and brush of fingers. He loved that about him. That he could tell that he really and truly wanted him.

Soon, Gerard couldn't neglect him and longer, and he slid his hand a bit to the left, wrapping gently around his cock, flushed against his stomach.

Frank made a little gasping noise, biting Gerard's bottom lip slightly. He clutched the back of Gerard's hair when his hand was finally around him, warm, and just strong enough, glorious feeling.

And as he just wanted to hold Gerard there and let his whimpers get absorbed into Gerard's mouth, Gerard was sliding down, Frank's hands going with him still tangled in his hair, pressing quick kisses down his body until he held Frank's hip firmly in one hand, guiding his cock towards his lips with the other.

Gerard glanced up at him through thick eyelashes as he kissed over the tip, sticking his tongue out just a bit to lick up the firm length.

"Holy f-" Frank cut himself off with an embarrassingly whiny moan as Gerard's lips slid past the head, his tongue dancing around before letting him go deeper.

Frank couldn't do anything, his body was on autopilot, Gerard's mouth rendering him utterly unfunctionable as all he could do was let his head tilt back ever so slightly, his swollen lips hanging open as his jaw slackened in pleasure.

Gerard was absorbed in the feeling of Frank's length sliding against his tongue, pushing the aching of his jaw to the back of his mind, instead focusing on not choking, and sinking down as far as he could around him.

He could taste the saltiness in the back of his throat as Frank got closer and closer, he pulled away for a second to breathe, his tongue swirling around him as he held the base firmly in his hand. He looked at Frank as he composed himself for that brief moment, who didn't even know Gerard was looking at him, he was utterly shattered at the feeling of this all, lips parted, head to the side, the constant breathy noises that told Gerard that this was good.

Encouraged by Frank's tilting hips and noises that absolutely drove him crazy, he took Frank back into his mouth again, swallowing around him this time, and Frank let out a choked out moan as he felt his dick slide against the back of Gerard's throat. 

Gerard's eyes were closed, focusing on his movements, and just taking this all in, the feeling of it, the feeling of being so close with Frank, and the satisfaction that he could do this to him, turn him into this writing mess that he loved. 

Frank wasn't anything like this when they weren't being intimate. He wasn't submissive or shy or quiet or anything of the sort. He was in fact, quite the opposite. He was loud, at times, opinionated, slightly aggressive, and strong.

But like this, with Gerard doing this to him, he showed a side that no one else had ever seen before apart from him. He was completely vulnerable and unguarded like this, pliant and willing underneath of him, falling apart more and more every second, until his fingers instinctually tangled hard into Gerard's hair, arching his back involuntarily as he came.

He made a gasping noise, followed by rough, masculine noise that almost made Gerard forget what he was doing. But somehow, he managed to continue even with Frank distracting him so much with his x-rated noises and fingers moving through his hair. 

Gerard pulled back a little bit, moving his hand to jerk Frank off into his mouth, his lips gently sucking the head as he felt the warm liquid coat his tongue. 

"God, Gerard," Frank whimpered, as he felt Gerard swallow around him before pulling away completely, gazing up at Frank, who lay there limply, staring at Gerard with a half-assed smile. "C'mere," he told him, reaching for his hands as he pulled him up to eye-level, kissing him lazily as Gerard leaned over him.

He let his hands slide down to Gerard's back, simply holding him in place as he continued to kiss him gently. Eventually, Gerard's arms got tired of holding him up, so he lowered himself to lay beside him, their legs intertwined. 

Gerard subconsciously began canting his hips against Frank's thigh, and at first he didn't even realize he was doing it, until Frank broke away from the kiss and looked into his eyes. "Let me take care of you," he said, pushing Gerard's hair out of his face.

"No, this was about you. It's fine," he told him, beginning to kiss down Frank's cheek, before Frank stopped him.

"I want to," he said firmly, sliding his hands down to Gerard's waist, rolling them over, until he was sitting on top of Gerard. He just smiled at him, running his hands down his chest, loving the fact that they didn't need to hide their feelings for each other any more. They could finally be together without any lies, or coverups. Frank knew Gerard liked him, and vice versa, and that clarity couldn't be any more freeing.

Frank felt the most free he'd ever felt in his life as he lost himself in Gerard; in his skin and his scent and things that Gerard whispered in his ear before he came. It was all him, and that was simultaneously the most thrilling, and terrifying thing to come to grips with.

Because when someone is your entire life, who you wake up for, who you live for, who you breathe for… who are you when they aren't there anymore? Do you cease to exist? Or does your soul go with them, leaving your body the empty shell of what you once were?

In that moment, when him and Gerard were a blurred mess of passion beneath the sheets, he was absolutely sure that now that he's had him, there's no way he could ever live without him.

And Frank felt so insanely real, and so insanely scared, because the only thing keeping them alive was the feeling of each other's heart beats going on and on and on into the night; the most fragile lullaby of them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm sorry this is so short. I'm graduating in less than two months, and i have so much school stuff to do which sucks ass but i kind of have to, so… updates won't be as frequent as they have been until I get some shit done.
> 
> Also, I just made a playlist for this story, if anyone cares. It's on youtube since everyone can access that. 
> 
> Destined for Disaster official playlist:
> 
> (by the way you don’t have to listen to this, it won’t affect the experience of the story, it just adds something extra i guess.) copy and paste since I don't think links work on ao3, or just search 'Destined for Disaster playlist' in youtube.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZj5Sv67AIS7yLtQhNlcOE2_d6Vf06faW
> 
> 1\. 3 Doors Down- Here Without You ~ This song would be from Gerard’s perspective when he’s taking care of Frank for his whole life but he can’t actually be with him… yet.
> 
> 2\. Finger Eleven- Complicated Questions ~ This song would be from Frank’s perspective when he’s first starting to get to know Gerard, in like the second or third chapter when they kiss for the first time and Frank feels the scars on his back and then they have an argument.
> 
> 3\. Frnkiero andthe Cellabration- Stitches ~ This song would be from Frank’s perspective, and it includes the poem that he wrote in his notebook about Gerard. This is after they’ve been ignoring each other for a while, and Frank really thought that they had something good going, but now it’s ruined. He wants to be with him, but Gerard is just so distant.
> 
> 4\. The Used- Noise and Kisses ~ From Frank’s perspective. Pretty self-explanatory. This is before the church incident happened, and Frank just desperately wants Gerard to tell him what’s up with him, so that they can move forward, otherwise what are they even doing?
> 
> 5\. Finger Eleven- One Thing ~ After the church incident, when Gerard explains things the best that he can, and tells Frank about the ritual, even though they don’t know how to do it yet, or if they even want to. They both know but they don’t want to know. They want to ignore it and live in ignorant bliss, but they can’t, because of the threat of the words that show up in Frank’s notebook from the ‘watchers’.
> 
> 6\. Puddle of Mudd- The Only Reason ~ I know this song is a bit cheesy but it represents the ceremony well and how Frank and Gerard are so trusting with each other, and Gerard’s life is really in Frank’s hands. Frank gives him a part of his soul.
> 
> 7\. Deftones- Change ~ This just represents when Gerard was able to tell Frank everything about his past, and everything that he had to go through.
> 
> 8\. Flatsound- You Had a Panic Attack in My Bathroom ~ This song is when Frank was so worried after the ceremony that Gerard wouldn’t wake up, because he was only a human now and he looked so fragile. It also represents really well that lovely calm week that Frank and Gerard spent together where they didn’t worry about anything, and eventually had sex for the first time. ‘did everything feel beautiful when you let go of the idea of being anything at all?’
> 
> 9\. 3 Doors Down- Ticket to Heaven ~ This is in Mikey’s perspective when he’s first murdered and goes to heaven, but he doesn’t want to stay there.
> 
> 10\. The Dear Hunter- I Couldn’t Do It Alone ~ This is when Mikey falls back to earth and it’s all violent and bloody and he’s ready to kill that guy.
> 
> 11\. My Chemical Romance- It’s Not a Fashion Statement, It’s a Deathwish ~ This represents Mikey’s story of revenge, and how even after he died, he wanted avenge his and Gerard’s “ghosts”.
> 
> 12\. Bring Me The Horizon- Follow You ~ When Gerard and Frank decide that they are going to save Mikey. Frank is reluctant and doesn’t really want to, but Gerard does… so…
> 
> I know that these are kind of a mishmash of genres and bands, but I think that they tell the story well up to how far we’ve gotten, even if the songs don’t necessarily blend together nicely. 
> 
> I mostly listened to the majority of these while writing, so if you guys like them too then that's awesome! 
> 
> MTWCS update will probably (hopefully) be Friday. enjoy the music. -Jess


	24. Chapter 24

Frank was laying practically on top of Gerard, sound asleep. One of Gerard's arms was wrapped around the dip in his waist, the other moving soothingly through his soft hair.

It was unbelievable to have Frank here with him, for him to be a solid, warm person, who breathed and talked and thought and cried.

Frank was real, and Frank was his, and Gerard felt so fucking lucky, because the chances of everything working out as they had so far was slim to none. But they did, they made it, and Gerard was reluctant to let Frank out his reach for more than five minutes now that he knew that the feelings were reciprocated. Just that they fucking could. They were allowed to be together, there was no one stopping them now.

When he was Frank's guardian angel, oftentimes, Gerard would question if Frank was even real at all. Because he'd never met him, and in his perspective, he was absolutely perfect, even with his imperfections. 

It was really isolating up there, but that was the point. To make your human your number one priority, who you dedicated your life to, you lived solely just for them.

Eventually, he began to question if any of it was real. If he really was helping Frank, or influencing anyone's lives at all. At times, he thought that maybe this was not heaven, but some twisted form of punishment for god knows what he did back on earth, a punishment in which he dedicates his entire life to someone else, he lives and breathes for them and feels what they feel, and loves what they love. But he couldn't be with him. The more he took care of him, the stronger his feelings became, the more desperate he was to get to him.

Because although he was really protecting him, he wanted to be able to protect him while holding him in his arms. He wanted to be there, for real. He wanted Frank to know him.

He was so utterly content as he gently raked his fingers through Frank's long hair, looking down at his face on Gerard's chest, cheek smushed a little bit.

He smiled, holding him as he rolled over, putting his leg over Frank's as he continued to sleep. Frank was a very sound sleeper, as long as Gerard was touching him in some way. Gerard would often hear him coming into his room after he'd gone to sleep back when they weren't together, he thought it was the most adorable thing ever, because Frank tried tried to seem so tough and cool and unemotional in the daytime, Gerard often heard him listening to screamy music in his room, or watching horror movies.

But that rough exterior was obviously just his outer protective shell, as Gerard soon realized after nights and nights of this happening, that Frank felt way more for him than he thought at the time, and now they didn't go to sleep without being snuggled up with each other, their spiritual bond causing them to want to be as close together as possible most of the time, although that was most likely not a practical way of life.

Their chests were pressed together, Gerard's wound almost completely healed now, and it felt like a perfect harmony. Like the balance in the world was restored, that Frank was made solely to fit into Gerard's arms.

Gerard obviously never wanted any of the bad things that happened to him or Frank to happen at all. No one wanted pain, no one wanted loss, no one wanted to suffer, no matter how masochistic they claimed to be, this claim only came after they had to go through many torturous things, finally succumbing to life and welcoming the agony that they had to suffer through with open arms. 

But now knowing what all of that would get him, death and life and his emotions being pushed to the bitter end, the brink of his psyche almost being snapped in half entirely, he would do it all over again for Frank. In fact, he'd have to. This was the only way that they could end up together. 

Frank was born to suffer. Gerard was born to suffer, he was born solely to be massacred, to be beaten down, and enslaved, and be stamped down into that little box of selflessness that was heaven. 

One would think that going through all of this would leave a person so incredibly damaged, so bruised and torn apart and numb, that they couldn't even enjoy what it was all meant for. That now that he had Frank, he wouldn't be able to see him, to see how this was the pinnacle of everything, this was the mountain top. He'd been struggling and climbing and dragging himself up that snowy, jagged, bitterly cold cliffside his entire life, and now that he'd made it to Frank, he wouldn't even be able to appreciate him because he was struggling to live let alone to love someone else as well.

But that was not the case. He and Frank clung to each other on that tiny mountaintop, clutching the other tightly in their arms, because this was it. They needed each other to make sure they didn't tumble back down the mountain towards certain death. They needed to breathe each other's air, they needed to keep each other warm, and now that they had this, they were never letting go. Gerard was never letting go. 

Frank was his oxygen. Frank was the heat allowing his blood to flow through his veins. And Frank was his source of strength to continue to look for his bother. Because if he was alone here, he didn't think he'd be able to look for him on his own. He'd already had so many trials and tribulations, this was just another quest, another life threatening conquest that for some reason, he'd been put in the position of solving, when he'd already been through so much. He'd fought enough battles for three lifetimes, you would think he deserved the rest of his life to settle down and enjoy the peacefulness of Frank's embrace.

When you put it in perspective, since Gerard had lived for over two hundred years already, this was sort of the retirement stage of his life. He had Frank, his death was in sight, yes, probably in sixty or so years, but still, he so badly just wanted to live a normal life with him. He wanted the cliche house together, where they planted a garden and got a dog, and made breakfast together and had sex at any time of the day. 

Though, he had a conscience. And when your brother needs to be rescued, how can you ignore that? How can you enjoy your peaceful, newly acquired picture perfect life each day, knowing that your brother is rotting away in some dark, cold dungeon somewhere, hoping and praying that his brother would remember him enough to come save him. Hoping that his brother held one little shred of the bond they used to share, to help him out of the endless isolation that he was in. 

Gerard loved Frank, but this image felt as if it was literally shredding little pieces of his heart apart strip by strip. It was his little brother. His baby brother. He faintly remembered cradling him in his arms when he was born, Gerard around five years old. He was so tiny, and Gerard taught him everything that he knew. Mikey looked up to him so much, one of Gerard's last thoughts when he was dying, when he was laying on the wet, hard ground of the alley, his consciousness fading as quickly as the blood seeping from the bullet wound, was 'I hope Mikey will be okay without me'. And then it went black.

-

Gerard stood in the kitchen, just having put on a pot of coffee, as he thought about what the possible next step would be in getting to Mikey, or first, his parent's graves, wherever they were.

All of a sudden, he felt warm arms snake around his torso, and wet hair on his neck, and he turned around in Frank's arms, meeting the bright eyes of the shorter man, long hair hanging in his face, damp from the shower.

Frank smiled at him, looking up into his eyes, as his hands trailed down the soft fabric over Gerard's chest. Gerard reached under his thighs and lifted him up onto the counter in one swift movement, Frank's eyebrows raised in the unexpected lift, but his face calmed moments later, now looking slightly down at Gerard whose hands rested on the tops of Frank's thighs.

Frank spread his legs slightly so that Gerard could step closer to him, he glanced between Gerard's eyes and lips for a good few minutes before he pushed his fingers into the back of Gerard's hair and brought their faces closer, meeting their lips together.

Frank's bottom lip was in-between Gerard's, and it was a slow, repetitive sort of kiss that they shared that morning, with no sound in the air other than the slow drip of the coffee maker, and suction of their lips together. 

Gerard's hands trailed up to Frank's hips, rubbing up and down his sides, squeezing the flesh there every once in a while, as Frank licked further into his mouth. Frank's hand moved down over the back of Gerard's hairline, over his neck and to his jaw, which he cupped gently, his thumb grazing over his throat every once in a while, feeling the soft vibrations every time Gerard hummed into his mouth.

When the kiss faded away, Frank leant his forehead on Gerard's, their noses pressing gently together, and they simply breathed into the same space until the coffee maker beeped, and Gerard moved away to grab their mugs.

Frank's eyes were still closed after Gerard stepped away from the counter, he heard some shuffling around, drawers being opened and then closed, before a mug was was being pressed against his fingertips, and he opened his eyes to grasp it tightly.

Gerard leant against the counter beside him, drinking sips of his drink in one hand while his other arm was around Frank's waist, his thumb moving absentmindedly against his side. Frank leaned into him a bit, resting his head on his shoulder when he wasn't drinking his scalding coffee.

He set the mug down on the countertop beside him with a dull 'thunk'. "What are we doing today?" he asked Gerard, looking at the side of his face, partially obstructed by his long hair.

Gerard turned to look at him. "I was thinking we should figure out where my parents are buried. That's the only next step I can think of to continue this," he told him, biting his lip in thought.

Frank pushed some of Gerard's hair behind his ear. "Do you think they'd be at another cemetery?" he asked.

Gerard shrugged. "I don't know. But I don't know anything about their lives, or how they died either. So I think we should go to the library, to try to find their obituaries, or just anything about them that could help us... I don't even know if they lived here still after me and Mikey," he said, lost sounding. It was his parents, but he barely knew anything about their lives. He was a bit scared, with his family track record already. He hoped nothing horrible had happened to them.

"Sounds like a good plan," Frank told him, because as if he would know better than Gerard in this situation, he was pretty much just going along with whatever Gerard wanted to do, which admittedly felt like walking in aimless circles so far, but they'd really only just started searching. Frank had to give him some time, they still had options.

They continued drinking their coffee in silence, and eventually Gerard went to go get changed, before they journeyed out to the car and across town to the library, which Gerard hoped would hold some sort of information that would help him follow the trail that his parents followed after he temporarily left the earth. 

As Frank drove, he began to think about what they were doing, and what their goal was. Actually, he forced himself not to think about the goal, because the goal scared him, and he didn't really want to go through with the goal, although he did want to help Gerard and make Gerard happy, which in extension meant helping Mikey, he wanted to just block that whole portion of their plan out of his brain because it was dangerous, and frightening, and he still sort of didn't believe that it could be done.

Although he would have never thought that what he and Gerard had done so far was possible, and he was proven wrong even though he never really asked any questions about angels or souls, he got more answers than he ever would have wanted about that area in life. 

Instead, he thought about how their life slowly turned from them both trying to achieve the most normal lives possible, into now fully submerging themselves into this world of secrets and danger that Gerard was involved in.

At some point along this journey, Frank couldn't remember exactly when, he fully believed that he was going to go on job interviews again, and become a lawyer again, and get his life back on track after this unexpected chain of events over the past months, but as time went on, and as he and Gerard got closer than ever before, that plan was slowly going out the window, and Frank's drive to continue on that path was slowly fading away.

Now, he couldn't picture himself getting a job as intensive as that again, at least not in this stage in his life. This stage where he was so attached to Gerard. Gerard's job was enough to support them, at least for now, and recently they were so preoccupied, that getting a job was the least thing that he had to be worrying about. 

Speaking of his job, he began to think back to how his life was before all of this happened, before he got fired, and left his girlfriend, and got in the accident. It was completely fucking different.

He had friends, a lot of friends. All of his friends were at work, whether they were lawyers like himself, or they just worked in the office, there were a lot of them, and he used to have a life before all of this. He had a girl to go home to at night, his mind was preoccupied with cases almost every hour of the day, so he had nothing generally meaningful in his life that he had to worry about, office drama always left him with something to talk about, and between his hectic work life, and attention-demanding girlfriend, he was satisfied.

Frank could barely remember what all of that felt like any more. It was only six months ago that he still had all of that, but to him it felt like a lifetime ago. 

Now he had Gerard. He still had Ray, but that was obviously a completely different relationship. Not as important of one. Gerard was his priority. Gerard became his entire life pretty quickly, and that was both insanely terrifying, and slightly comforting, because it was reliable, yet it put so much at stake for him, because that was a very trusting sort of bond that they shared. Frank had been fucked over by life so much in the past, he didn't think he'd be able to handle another traumatic even taking place again.

He needed Gerard, he needed security, he needed reliability, and that was the very reason why Frank was following Gerard all over the place, doing whatever they needed to to find his brother, because Gerard was all he had, now. Gerard was all he wanted to have, so it worked out perfectly, then. 

Before he knew it, they pulled up at the big library that he remembered studying in during his college days, shutting off the vehicle before getting out with Gerard, walking beside him across the parking lot and into the building, starting their second attempt at locating Gerard's parents, and subsequently Mikey, who was waiting...

And hoping, and praying, that they could find him.


	25. Chapter 25

One rainy night when Frank was seventeen, he arrived home from a party, slamming the front door and storming off to his room, ignoring his mother's questions of 'what's wrong?'. 

He kicked his bedroom door closed and threw his hoodie in the corner, falling down onto his bed heavily, and letting his head drop into his hands. "Fuck," he whispered, gripping his hair painfully out of frustration.

His girlfriend broke up with him that night, who he thought was his first real love, the first significant person to ever enter his life, broke his heart in a room of twenty other teenagers, pulling him discreetly aside and letting him down slowly, explaining that she'd felt that way for awhile. That she didn't feel like it was working out.

Frank dropped his beer as he absorbed the poisonous words out of her pretty pink lips. She didn't feel anything for him anymore. Just like that. She threw him aside and got another one, another guy, by the end of the night probably, but Frank couldn't bear to stick around and see. 

Her words echoed through his head the whole way home, he fought to hold back tears, because he wasn't supposed to do this, it wasn't supposed to end like this. And that just made him even angrier, that he could feel the burning of tears behind his eyes, he wiped them aggressively as he saw his house nearing in the distance. 

"I'm so fucking stupid," he told himself, picking up one of his sneakers off the floor and throwing it at the wall as hard as he could, just to do something, to get his anger out somehow. 

It hit the floor dully. His bedroom door opened abruptly. "What the hell are you doing?" his mother asked, an annoyed expression on her face.

He glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes, before looking away again. "Nothing, just leave me alone," he said angrily, and she just huffed, before closing the door again and going back downstairs.

He shook his head and fell back against the pillows out of defeat, the short time that they spent together replaying over and over in his head, trying to figure out what went wrong, what was wrong with him to make him seem so disposable like that.

Maybe that was the exact reason. He was disposable.

He sniffled, putting his arm over his face so that his eyes were covered by the crook in his elbow. Nice, black darkness.

He tried to breathe as evenly as he could, but now that he was laying still, he could feel the tears build up again, and he hated the fact that he cared that much, that it was affecting him so much.

Because he thought that he loved her. He thought that she loved him. …But apparently not. 

He felt used.

He shifted a little, and felt something hard poking the back of his neck. Sitting up to see what it was, he turned around and pulled out a school textbook from under his pillow. He was about to throw it to the other side of the room or something, but just as he was lifting it up, a slip of paper fell out of the pages onto the bed.

He set the book on the nightstand, and picked up the paper, ripped from loose-leaf, with a short handwritten scrawl across it.

'I love you.'

He scowled at it. It was probably just something left behind from the previous owner of the textbook, it was probably ten years old knowing how shitty his school was. But still, realistically, he knew the note had nothing to do with him, so he ripped it up into as many pieces as he could, just because he felt like it, before throwing the ripped up pieces of the random love note onto the table, laying back down onto the bed once again.

But just as he was calming down, just as he was starting to drift asleep, he heard a 'thump', and something dropping beside him. His heart skipped a beat, getting startled from the unexpected movement right beside him, but when he looked over, it was just a stuffed animal that fell off of the shelf that was above his bed.

He had some kid stuff up there, like soccer trophies from grade school and one little stuffed bear that he'd had since forever. He thought it was on the shelf quite securely, but for some reason, it fell off right beside his arm, the little fuzzy ear touching his wrist.

So, not wanting to get up and put it back, he pulled the bear towards him as he settled under the covers, pulling it right up against his chest, the few last tears absorbing into the worn fabric of the bear's head, as he tried to fall back asleep. Because it wouldn't hurt if he was sleeping. He just needed to sleep, and hope that he wouldn't feel as horrible in the morning.

And admittedly, the stuffed animal did feel comforting as he held it against his chest, he hadn't touched it since he was about ten, but nobody had to know that he cuddled it that night, after it oddly fell off of his shelf for the first time.

It was probably just fate, he told himself. The universe knew that he needed comforting, so it gave it to him. He went over that thought again and again in his head, pressing his lips to the top of the bear, as he finally drifted out of consciousness.

It was just a coincidence. Because those types of things don't happen for a reason, no.

But Frank didn't know that his textbook was actually brand new, he was the first one to use his copy in the whole school. 

The bits and pieces of the note were still scattered across the table, some of them on the floor where they fell when he threw them.

It was pure coincidence, he was sure. These little occurrences didn't have a deeper meaning at all. 

Nope, none whatsoever.

-

Frank's eyes were glazed over, he was lost in deep thought as he stood in the library, leaning against the giant table.

Gerard's hair was a little rumpled in the back, laying in the hood of his jacket. It was previously shielding the side of his face, the stark black strands just meeting his shoulders, before he pushed it behind his ear, making his profile more visible.

At this angle, every flutter of his eyelashes were visible, the way his eyes moved across the page back and forth was hypnotizing. Frank would notice every time he stopped to actually read something because his eyes would stop moving so quickly, and he would furrow his eyebrows just a little bit before moving on, carefully turning the big pages of the ancient newspaper, the pages covered in sheets of protective plastic to prevent their decay, as they were about eighty years old.

Next Frank noticed his hands, large and pale, they turned the pages of the newspaper so gently, Frank's eyes traced over a vein that went in between Gerard's knuckles and up into his arm, before he was snapped out of his daze.

"I found it," Gerard said, stopping on a page.

Frank's head snapped up. "What was that?"

"My mom," Gerard grabbed Frank's arm and pulled him in closer to read the article. Frank stood against his side, leaning in to try to read the grimy old newspaper.

It was in the obituaries. There was names and dates, followed by a short passage. 

"Donna Way (1842-1932), devoted member of Belleville United Church, as well as the women's reading club, passed away this Tuesday morning from natural causes. She was a beloved member of our community, and will be missed dearly. Her funeral will be Friday the 29th at 1pm, and she will be laid to rest beside her late husband, at their private plot near their River View acreage home."

"Do you know where that is?" Frank asked him, referring to River View.

Gerard nodded. "Yeah, that's- that's where I grew up."

"Oh," Frank said quietly, looking up to see Gerard's sombre expression. He didn't know what to say.

"Well at least I know how to get there," he said, but his voice sounded distant.

"Yeah, let's get out of here," Frank said softly, slipping his hand into Gerard's and steering him away from the stacks of obituaries laid out on the table. Gerard went with him willingly, but it was clear that he was deep in thought. Frank kept looking over at him as they walked out of the large library and across the parking lot, but Gerard's face gave nothing away.

Once they reached the car, they had to separate, and as Frank closed his door behind him, he sat quietly for a second, one hand on the wheel and the other on the gear shift, just looking out over the lot and at the grey building across from them.

Gerard didn't say anything.

"Do you wanna go now, or another day?" he asked.

"Let's just get it over with now," he said after a moment, and Frank nodded, starting the vehicle, and pulling out of the lot.

After a while, Gerard had to talk in order to give Frank directions, part of him was a little surprised that he could still remember the way, but at the same time he wasn't, because this was his childhood home. How could he forget?

Frank drove north, out of town and into the country, and Gerard directed him down seemingly random gravel roads, crossing by expanses of grassy fields, and signs pointing every which way to different cities. 

They didn't want to go to another city, they wanted to get lost.

"This is it," Gerard said, and pointed to a long driveway with trees on either side, curving around so that you couldn't see the house from the road. Grass was grown over the road, it was obvious that no one had driven down it in a while, and Frank turned in with caution.

As the road curved around, a huge house slowly came into view, and it would have normally been impressive or beautiful, if it were not for the fact that it had been abandoned ever since Gerard's mother passed away in 1932. 

It was giant and looming, the white wooden siding was all chipped away, revealing the rough grey, warped wood underneath in irregular patterns, the wooden windowsills sunken into the walls, the windows smashed out revealing the dirty walls and creeping shadows inside.

The roof was moulding and caved in, the chimney had fallen over completely, red bricks lay scattered across the already fallen rooftop. 

The only memory of it's beauty was the elegant brass doorknob, sitting perfectly preserved in the weathered front door, the only friendly looking thing in the old house.

Gerard sighed heavily, his hand laying on the door handle of the car, unmoving. Frank tore his eyes away from the sad house, to Gerard. "You still wanna go?" he asked him.

"Yeah," he nodded, opening the door and stepping out slowly, Frank rushed around to follow him.

After one more staring session at the house by Gerard, Frank followed him around the house on the overgrown lawn to the backyard, both of them staying a safe distance away from the house, which looked like it collapse at any moment, or under the next strong breeze.

Around the back of the house revealed a huge lawn, sheltered by evergreen trees on all sides, there was a broken picnic table off to one side, but Gerard walked by it, his eyes on something on the other side of the lawn. 

Frank followed his gaze, and then his eyes landed on it. His parent's graves.

Sitting side by side under the shade of a towering spruce tree, was two headstones, with detailed carved tops, and etching into the faces.

Gerard froze quite a distance away, and Frank caught up to him, lacing their fingers together immediately. He looked resentfully towards the graves, and then back at Gerard. He could already tell that this was not going to be good. Of course, it was Gerard's parent's graves that they were talking about, but it was as if Gerard wanted to move forward, yet his body physically wouldn't.

"It's okay," Frank told him, squeezing his hand gently. Gerard nodded, looking at him for a moment, taking in the face of the shorter man, before gathering the courage to move forward.

They crossed the remaining distance, until they were standing in front of the graves, Frank more focused on Gerard, than the graves, but Gerard was not giving much away, other than the general look of unpleasantness on his face.

He sat down on the grass and pulled Frank down with him, sitting side by side across from the simple stones. Gerard stared at them while Frank looked at their hands laced together, resting on Gerard's leg. He pursed his lips and looked up at Gerard, who had a blank expression.

Frank didn't know what to say, he just let him have his silence as he ran his thumb over the back of Gerard's hand as he took his time to process it all. After a few minutes, sighed, and looked down at their hands.

"A part of me didn't really believe it was real," he said to Frank.

"What?" he asked.

"That my parents died," Gerard paused. "I mean, I know realistically that there was no way that they could still be alive. But.. not having seen it for myself, there was always this irrational hope that they were still out there. I just kind of wanted to believe that they were still alive even though I knew I was kidding myself," he said sadly.

"I'm sorry," Frank told him. He didn't know what else to say. It was like Gerard's parents both dying in the same day, even though they'd been passed for decades now.

They sat in silence for a moment longer, Gerard leant his head on Frank's shoulder gently as he tried to accept what lay in front of him.

"Sometimes I forget how old I am," Gerard told Frank out of the blue.

"Like your real age?" Frank asked him.

"Yeah," he glanced back at the house. "Just seeing this all, the house… It's so different from what I remember. …I mean, obviously it is, but it's just surreal. It seems like I was just here, and now it's all gone. It's all dead. My parents are gone, the house is broken…" he trailed off. 

Frank untangled his hand from Gerard's to put his arm around him. He nuzzled his head against Gerard's, seeing him wipe away a tear with his hoodie sleeve. 

"I'm so sorry this all had to happen, " he whispered.

Gerard shook his head minutely. "Don't be," he sniffled. "Otherwise I wouldn't have met you."

Frank smiled at that. "We've still got each other."

Gerard's eyes weren't really focused, he wasn't looking at anything all, his vision was clouded by tears that hadn't fallen yet. "I'm just so scared that I'll blink and then one day this'll all be over," he looked up at Frank.

A look of confusion washed over Frank's face as he looked at Gerard looking at him. "Cause I've been alive for so long, I know that it's been a long time, but it doesn't feel like that long, really. It feels like just yesterday that me and Mikey were together. Or that I was pushing the clouds away when you wanted to go play outside," the tears were silently streaming down his face now. "I just feel like we don't have that much time left, and this is everything I've ever wanted, just to be with you. I'm scared that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and it'll all be over."

"God, no," Frank shook his head, cupping Gerard's face and pressing their foreheads together, trying to fight back his own tears now. "We have tons of time left. We're in our twenties, we have our whole lives ahead of us. And I know that this seems like the ending to you, but to me this feels like just the beginning."

"It's my beginning too. My real beginning," Gerard told him, his voice barely above a whisper as their faces were inches apart.

"I promise I'll make it last for you," Frank swore to him. "I'll fill this life up with so many memories that by the end we'll be so bursting open we can't even contain them all."

Gerard smiled.

"And eventually you'll get tired of seeing my stupid face every single morning."

"Hey, I've been seeing your stupid face every morning for twenty eight years, I haven't gotten tired of it yet," Gerard laughed weakly.

Frank just shook his head. "I keep forgetting about that."

Gerard just dried his face with his sleeve, and leant against Frank's shoulder once more. "You were a handful to take care of, you know," he told Frank.

"What? Why?" he asked.

"You were always doing dangerous things. Skateboarding, partying, breaking into places…"

"Me and my friends only did that a couple times," Frank reasoned, but Gerard just shook his head. "That's what normal teenagers do anyways," he told him.

"I don't know about that."

"But I turned out fine, right?"

"Because of me," Gerard pointed out.

Frank chuckled. "Yeah, I guess so. …Remember when I had to get stitches cause I tried to skate down the railing at school?" 

"You were being reckless, you totally deserved it," Gerard told him, and Frank looked at him, mock-offended. "I had too much shit to take care of to prevent you from doing your cool skate moves that you were so adamant about practicing."

"Well, maybe I wouldn't have quit if I didn't get hurt as much."

Gerard looked at him. "My job was to save your life, not turn you into a pro skateboarder," he reasoned. "And I was already bending the rules by doing more for you than I should have."

"Like what?" Frank asked.

Gerard shrugged. "Little stuff. Like… putting your favourite movie on tv sometimes if you were in a bad mood."

Frank smiled, and brought Gerard in closer to him. "That's sweet."

Frank thought back on his childhood and tried to remember the good things that happened, now wondering if they were Gerard's doing, but before he could come up with anything significant, he was interrupted.

"Didn't Mikey say that there was something here for us? To try to find him?" Gerard asked after a long moment of silence. He remembered the whole reason they were at his childhood home in the first place.

Frank was pulled out of his nostalgic thoughts, bringing his attention to the graves in front of them. They had both sort of forgotten that they were there, or maybe just got used to their presence, straightening up to look around for a sign of anything. "Yeah, but I don't see anything," said, standing up and holding out his hand to Gerard.

Gerard looked around, the backyard seemed pretty barren, and he began questioning if they'd gotten the meaning of Mikey's little 'P.S.' wrong this whole time.

Frank wandered around a short distance, walking up to the graves, circling around them when he saw it. Leaning against the back of Gerard's mother's graves, was an envelope.

"Gerard," he said, picking it up and holding it out to Gerard, whose eyes became wide as Frank walked over to him with the very thing they'd been searching for.

Gerard hesitantly took it, looking at Frank once more before tearing it open. Frank watched in anticipation as Gerard reached inside and pulled out a piece of yellowed, folded paper, which he held as he pocketed the envelope, and began unfolding.

Frank stood beside him as the large piece of paper was revealed to them, on it, were trees, roads, trails, markings, and writing all along the bottom and sides, with different indicators meaning different things. It was extremely clear what this was, and it seemed very daunting to Frank, as he tried to make sense of the handwritten parchment.

"There he is," Gerard said, pointing to a dark circle in the centre of the map, surrounded by hundreds of trees, was a clear marking. 

X marks the spot.


	26. Chapter 26

Frank found himself leaning against the kitchen countertop once again, biting his fingernail, lost in his thoughts as he stared at the back of Gerard's head as he stirred a pot of soup on the stove.

His mind was far away from the warm little kitchen that him and Gerard shared, from their amazingly isolating apartment where it seemed as if nothing else existed beyond those four cream coloured walls in which they were surrounded by so often. It seemed as if every time they went outside into the real world, something bad happened, or maybe not even necessarily bad, but just life happened. And Frank wasn't really wanting to accept that life was harsh and life was unfair, and even though it seemed as if him and Gerard were personally attacked in some way every time they left the apartment, that was probably just the harsh reality that everyone had to deal with. Maybe not to their extreme extents, but everyone had their own personal demons. Losing Gerard, being Frank's.

They'd hid themselves away for so long, that they became unaccustomed to reality, they'd forgotten what it felt like to breathe in the polluted air on the sidewalks and brace yourself for the next round of bullshit that life has to throw at you.

Gerard's hip was cocked out slightly as he stirred the soup. His other hand rested against the countertop beside the oven, fingertips tapping lightly against the countertop in a silent melody that only Gerard could hear. 

Frank was completely and utterly consumed in ignoring the fact that now that they had the map, there wasn't technically anything stopping them from starting their 'journey' so to speak. Journey to Hell.

Frank sighed, running his fingers through his hair, letting his mind slip away to those stupid thoughts that plagued his mind since he was a teenager, that he knew were ridiculous, and purposeless, yet it was the only thing running through his mind as he watched Gerard standing just feet in front of him, looking so warm and comfortable and inviting, and not as if they just visited his parent's graves, or retrieved a map to find his long lost brother. 

The thoughts that he was unable to stop from seeping in, ran along the lines of wondering why in the world the things that happened to him had to happen. Why he couldn't catch a fucking break. Why him and Gerard couldn't just be fucking happy, have one second to just breathe and live, and have a moment to think about each other instead of the rapidly swirling shitstorm occurring around them at all times. 

His heart ached for Gerard, even though he was within arms reach. He wanted nothing more than just to lead a normal life with him. And even though it seemed as if the promise of a normal life glittered in the distance, just past Mikey, that once they reached him and brought him home, that that would be it. That all of this business would be over, and their real life could begin. Their normal life. Where they worried about normal adult responsibilities, like their job, or money, or holidays, or their friends, which Frank realized quite alarmingly one day, that they didn't really have any. 

They had Ray, but that was only one person, and admittedly, he was being a really shitty friend, because he hadn't spoken to him in weeks. It was understandable with everything him and Gerard had gone through within the past months, and along with the desperate hope that after they finished this one last trial, finding Mikey, that they would be free to lead a regular life, he also wanted to make a bigger effort to gain those few friendships back that he'd lost after all of this started to happen. After the accident back in the winter, nearly six months ago now.

He was simultaneously trying to brace himself for the inevitable upcoming journey that they would go on, whilst trying not to dwell on it too much altogether. 

He let himself get lost in the sight of the back of Gerard's hair. It was kind of greasy, but he pushed it back in a way that suited him. His t-shirt was tight across his back. Frank's gaze unashamedly traveled down to his ass, his jeans fit him really well, he thought.

Gerard reached up to grab something from the cupboard, and Frank saw the waistband of his boxers as his shirt rose a bit. It was stupid. They were grown adults. But no matter how mature Frank thought that he was, he couldn't deny the warm fluttery, aching feeling deep down in his core whenever he really let himself look at Gerard. 

He bit his lip, watching him go back to stand in front of the stove. Frank was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't register Gerard turning off the stove top, taking two bowls down from the cupboard, before turning around and facing Frank standing directly behind him, his eyes unfocused, chewing on the end of his fingernail absentmindedly.

He was startled as he realized that Gerard was looking directly at him. "It's ready?" he asked, eyebrows slightly raised, brushing off his trail of thoughts as if it wasn't still lingering in the back of his mind. 

"Yeah," Gerard smiled. "What were you thinking about?" he asked, highly aware of Frank's dreamy state for the past hour as they stood in the kitchen.

Frank shook his head. "I don't know, nothing," he shrugged, looking at Gerard properly now, but Gerard recognized the guilty looking glint in his eyes, and stepped forward into Frank's space, his hands resting on the countertop near Frank's waist on either side of him.

"I think you do know," Gerard told him quietly, one of his knees touching Frank's, their faces close enough for Frank to have to move his eyes in between both of Gerard's, for lack of being able to focus on both of them at once.

Frank smiled sheepishly. 

Gerard leant closer and pressed their lips together, his hand coming up automatically to hold the side of Frank's face, fingertips sliding into Frank's hair. 

Frank pressed into the kiss, his hands coming up to rest on Gerard's waist, as their lips moved against each other repeatedly, he brought his upper body right up against Gerard's, eventually moving his arms up to rest around Gerard's neck, their tongues brushing together shyly.

Gerard slid his hand down to the back of Frank's neck, fingers playing with the soft hair at the nape of Frank's neck, cradling his head as he pressed his body into him further, Frank's butt pressed against the counter forcefully, his body succumbing to Gerard's taller one, as Gerard eventually broke away gently, his forehead pressing against Frank's as they breathed heavily into the same space.

Gerard opened his eyes after a moment of both of them regulating their breathing. "You want some soup?" he asked.

Frank nodded, sliding his arms away from around his neck and down his chest, Gerard pressed one more short kiss to his lips before he stepped away to dish their food up, leaving Frank to stand there and stare at his back again, his mind easily slipping back into his unattached state.

He watched the muscles in Gerard's arm as he poured the soup from the pot into the bowls, his vision eventually unfocusing as one thought stood out among the sea of brief feelings floating across his mind in an unregulated flow. When he let himself relax like this, it was like opening a dam, everything just poured out into the ocean that was his mind. Negative thoughts, wishful thoughts, they were all fleeting and rarely held any sort of coherency or correlation. They were just simple observances or conclusions that he reached about everything occurring around him.

But this time this ocean was flowing in one coordinated motion, instead of the unruly thrashing of conflicting waves, it was peaceful and synchronized.

He didn't really know when it happened, but without him really realizing, Gerard became the single most important thing in Frank's life, and even as Gerard walked out of Frank's field of vision, a realization lapped at the beaches of his mind again and again and again, solidifying it for the first time as Frank stood there in the kitchen as Gerard set dinner down on the table.

He was irrevocably and completely in love with him.

"Are you coming?" Gerard asked from somewhere across the room.

Frank nodded. "Yeah," he said faintly.

-

Despite how good the soup was, or how easily Gerard could get lost in Frank's eyes, the distant sight of the map sitting on the living room table was burning into Gerard's line of vision over Frank's shoulder, and he simply couldn't hold himself back anymore.

He set his and Frank's empty dishes in the sink before going over to the map, sitting down on the couch and pulling it closer to him on the coffee table carefully.

Frank saw what he was doing as he looked past the kitchen countertop and into the living room, walking around it and joining him on the couch, as Gerard silently tried to make sense of the map.

Gerard's finger trailed over the map, following the lines written on it, trying to decipher what they were even looking at. The cramped writing written along the sides and bottom didn't really help them understand where the depicted area was located, it was filled with instructions: " _walk two and a quarter miles north, turn east at the river and follow the bank until you reach the foot path…_ "

Frank was studying the bottom of the map, trying to figure out what the long lines were at the bottom, sort of in a grid pattern, before he realized that they were the gravel roads in the countryside. He recognized an S-shaped curve in the road that was near where Gerard's parent's house was. 

"These are roads," he told Gerard, pointing to the bottom of the map, and Gerard followed his gaze.

"So that means…" he trailed off, his finger travelling up to the main portion of the map. "This is all in the forest," he said. "The middle of nowhere."

Frank swallowed nervously. "We're supposed to just walk into the heart of the forest by ourselves?" he asked rhetorically, now gaining a better understanding for where the map was indicating. 

"Well, you wouldn't think that the entrance to Hell would be somewhere easily accessible," Gerard said quietly. 

Frank shot him a look. 

"I can't believe we're going to do this. And what do you think is here?" he asked, pointing to the centre of the map, a dark circle with an X in the middle, indicating their destination. 

Gerard shook his head. "I don't know. I have no idea what to expect, to be honest," he told Frank, and solemnly continued to study the map, and the intricate instructions that they were supposed to follow once they were in the dense, uninhabited forest.

Or supposedly uninhabited. Gerard guessed that there was some sort of repellant around the forest so that regular people wouldn't venture in and accidentally come upon this entrance or whatever they were trying to get to. Humans were curious creatures, and naturally were driven to explore the unknown, so it only made sense that something else was going on here in order to conceal this entrance to the underworld, so to speak. 

Frank didn't want to look at the map anymore. He didn't want any of this to be happening, really. He turned his head into Gerard's neck and buried his face there while Gerard continued to study the map. 

All he wanted was to have a normal life with Gerard, and now that was being threatened again. He couldn't help but feel as though this was just incredibly unfair to the both of them, and although he knew that this was a voluntary decision that they were making, there was no way that he could talk Gerard out of it. He would be a horrible person for doing that, because with no other family left alive, this was obviously extremely important to Gerard, no matter how dangerous.

So Frank's only option was to go with him, because there was no way that he was letting Gerard do this alone, especially now that Gerard was human and could get hurt just like the rest of the general population. Like Frank. 

Suddenly, he realized the daunting fact that even though this should all go smoothly, there was a possibility that it wouldn't. There was a possibility that something could go wrong, that he could lose Gerard, or get hurt himself, or the very possible fact that they might not even be able to help Mikey at all. He didn't know how many people had done something like this before, rescue someone from Hell, that is, but it must have been done at least once before for Mikey to be confident enough that Gerard could do it. Frank knew that he probably was just overly optimistic about Gerard and him being able to do this because he was so desperate to get out of there, but he prayed that it actually was as easy as it seemed. 

They didn't even know what they would have to do to get Mikey out of there, now that Frank thought about it. Did they just go in there, wherever 'there' was, and leave with Mikey in tow? He had no idea what to expect, and the possibilities were starting to be overwhelming now that Frank was faced with the ever increasing imminentness of the rescue mission.

What if something happened to either of them while they were out there? Frank didn't even want to entertain that thought, the idea of them coming this far and overcoming so much only for it to be torn away from them again was almost sickening, he hated himself for even thinking such a thought.

He felt as though him and Gerard had barely enough time to experience anything together. They hadn't had nearly enough time together yet. Six months were a blink of the eye in the grand picture of life, especially so that him and Gerard weren't even 'together' for the majority of that time, flirtations laced heavily with denial not counting for anything meaningful.

They never got to move out and get a house of their own yet, they never got to do any of the ridiculous frivolous things that couples did, yet. They hadn't nearly had enough time to do anything. This was so fresh, so new, they hadn't had time to do anything. They hadn't found a favourite coffee shop that they deemed as 'their spot', they hadn't boughten each other a stupid piece of jewelry that was supposed to represent their commitment for each other, they hadn't got a puppy, or told Frank's parents, or celebrated a proper anniversary, or had proper sex yet. 

_Fuck, they hadn't even had real sex yet,_ Frank realized. 

The thought made his heart hurt, because he didn't want to rush them, he didn't want them to create fake experiences just because of the insanely unfair but reasonable inference that they could possibly not make it out of this thing that they were getting themselves into… once again.

And if Frank was willingly going to put himself into a situation that him or Gerard could possibly not come out of unscathed, he wanted them to at least be able to do this. Everything else was difficult. Getting a house, or reaching an anniversary. They didn't have time to do any of those things. But being together? 

That was the easiest, most effortless thing in the world.

-

Gerard pushed Frank hard up against the wall, pining him there with his hips while his mouth attacked the side of his neck, it was all teeth and tongue and writhing around, or as much as Frank could pressed up against the wall by Gerard, his eyes practically rolling back in his head as as Gerard's teeth grazed over his erratic pulse.

Frank was breathing so heavily, he almost couldn't get enough air in the tiny space between them, his hands frantically pulled and grabbed at Gerard's clothes, his fists curled in the front of his t-shirt, until he came to realize that that wouldn't really do anything to get them closer to getting all of their unnecessary clothing off. He slid his hands up under his shirt, rubbing up and down his sides smoothly, before he skated his hands up and tried to yank it over his head.

Gerard leant back for a moment to let his shirt be pulled over his head quickly, his lips immediately going back to Frank's, his head pressed against the wall as Gerard kissed him forcefully, his lips were tingling with the constant pressure of Gerard's on his, he let his hands travel all over the expanse of Gerard's back, letting himself feel the complex muscles moving and tightening under his fingertips as Gerard rolled his body into his, Frank's back involuntarily arching off of the wall when Gerard ground their hips together at just the right angle.

Gerard took the opportunity to grab Frank's ass with both hands, pulling him away from the wall and over to the bed, where he pulled Frank's t-shirt off in one fluid motion, before pushing him down onto the bed.

Frank slid back a bit, and grabbed Gerard's arms, pulling him down on top of him, before he lifted his head up to meet their lips together again, his hands still holding Gerard's biceps tightly, before Gerard leant into him more, his head laying back onto the bed, his hands relaxing and moving up to the back of Gerard's neck. His fingers played with the soft hair at the back of his neck as Gerard settled in between his legs, Frank wrapped his leg around Gerard's thigh and lifted his hips up to grind into more, get as much friction as possible, causing Gerard to groan into his mouth, biting his bottom lip a bit.

He broke the kiss, regaining his breath, leaning his forehead against Frank's, as Frank held him there tightly, his fingernails scraping lightly against his back, desperate for Gerard to go further than ever before. For them to be together in the most all-encompassing. meaningful way possible.

He couldn't even think, Gerard was was filling and consuming his every sense, he just wanted so much more of him, he wanted everything. He wanted all of him.

Frank pressed a few more kisses to Gerard's lips in short successions, causing Gerard to furrow his brows and make little moany noises in the back of his throat, before he ducked his head down to Frank's neck and started sloppily kissing the area again.

Frank gasped at the feeling, Gerard's wet mouth and warm tongue swirling and sucking against the sensitive part of his neck made a surge warmth spread down his body, right to his cock, he could feel it swell and strain against his fly. 

"Fuck," he said, his voice low and rough.

Gerard hummed in agreement against his neck, continuing to kiss him there.

" _No,_ fuck," Frank said, trying to form some sort of concrete thought in his already lust flooded brain. Gerard lifted his head, confused. He met eyes with Frank, panting below him. "Fuck me," he whispered, his eyes so dark and filled with lust as he stared into Gerard's equally blown pupils. Gerard drew in a harsh breath at Frank's words. 

"Really?" he asked. He sort of knew that this was where this was leading, with them discussing the upcoming journey that they would be going on any day now, to find Mikey. A journey that, even with his knowledge of other spiritual dimensions, he wasn't completely sure they'd come out unharmed from. He prayed that they would be fine, but he couldn't deny that that this seemed incredibly dangerous.

"Are you sure?" he asked him, bringing his hand up to caress his face. 

Frank nodded frantically. "More than anything. Fuck, I want you so badly," he told him, his voice almost pained, and Gerard leant against him again and kissed him sweetly. He was laying right on top of him, not supporting his weight with his arms anymore as they kissed each other meaningfully for a moment, knowing what they were about to do. They let the commitment and the trust and the love wash over them within that simple kiss until they couldn't take it anymore and Gerard sat up again to undo Frank's belt.

He could see Frank's lungs expanding rapidly again and again as he opened his belt, undoing the button and fly, before he pulled his jeans and boxers down altogether, moving from in between Frank's legs so that he could pull them off.

He undid his own belt quickly as Frank was practically ripping his jeans off of his ankles, moving to help Gerard when he finally flung his jeans off, kneeling up on the bed as he slid his hands under Gerard's boxers, running his hands over his ass before he pushed them down as far as possible.

Gerard kicked them off the side of the bed before he crawled up the bed over top of Frank again, Frank grabbing his body and pulling him down against him, their warm bodies pressed tightly together as Frank desperately lifted his hips against Gerard's, tearing a moan out of the taller man's throat.

"Do you have-?" 

"The drawer," Frank cut him off, pointing to the bedside table.

Gerard reached forward, balancing on one knee in between Frank's legs as he opened the drawer and rummaged around for a second before he found the small bottle of lube.

He settled down with Frank again as the uncapped the bottle and poured a little bit onto his fingers, before pushing one of Frank's knees up so that his foot was planted flat on the bed.

He ducked his head down slightly, gently biting and nipping at the sensitive skin on the inside of Frank's thigh, trailing down from his knee, further and further and further until he almost at his crotch, as he slowly pressed a finger against Frank.

Frank was so preoccupied in Gerard's gentle kissing that he gasped at Gerard's finger pressing smoothly in all of a sudden, cool and thick as it pushed into him further. 

Frank's eyebrows furrowed slightly, at the feeling of Gerard sliding his finger inside Frank gently, eventually pressing the second against the ring of muscle that was already stretched a little around his middle finger. Frank whimpered as Gerard teased his entrance before pressing both fingers into him at the same time, causing a more noticeable burn this time as Gerard began to stretch him properly.

Frank breathed heavily and whined as Gerard fingered him, moving the pads of his fingers around ever so slightly, until he pressed against Frank's spot, making him cry out and fist the sheets tightly, biting his lip to try to relieve some of the ridiculous tension in his body that was rising with every thrust of Gerard's fingers inside of him..

"I'm ready, just-" Frank tried to say. "God, _please,_ I need you," he begged.

Gerard nodded pulled his fingers out gently, reaching for the lube again as he tried to distract Frank from the empty feeling by sliding his tongue across his stomach, paying extra attention to kissing the doves sloppily, before he sat up again, pouring some lube in his palm, and finally spreading it over cock that he had somehow not really noticed was practically screaming for attention. He was so focused on prepping Frank and trying to distract him in order for it to be as least painful as possible, he forgot how good this felt, as he stroked his hard-on in front of Frank, his head tipping back in pleasure.

Frank stared at him, or rather his hand sliding easily over himself with a hungry expression, snapping Gerard out of his daze with his desperate whine.

Gerard swallowed, trying to focus, his brain fogging with pure need, as he shuffled forward on his knees, finally lining up with Frank's entrance, Frank smirked dirtily as he felt the head of Gerard's cock pressing against him, the smile immediately wiped off of his face as Gerard pressed in, his mouth falling open obscenely at the feeling of Gerard filling him so deeply.

Once he was bottomed out, Gerard's hips pressed flush to Frank's ass, he leant down to hover over Frank properly, wanting feel more intimate, feeling his sweaty skin pressed against his on every surface of skin possible.

Frank easily wrapped his legs around Gerard's hips, and made some sort of surprised noise when Gerard pulled out just slightly, before pressing back in as deep as possible, causing Frank to make a high pitched noise that fed directly into Gerard's lust for him.

Soon, Gerard was rolling his hips smoothly, gently against Frank, settling into a relaxed pace as he let himself feel the absolute pleasure of Frank so tight and warm around him, eventually resting his forehead on Frank's shoulder when his head felt heavy of everything and nothing at the same time.

When he started thrusting a little more forcefully, Frank began making little whiny noises in the back of his throat when Gerard pressed in, the constant noises flooding Gerard's ears like music, as Frank continually let out desperate little noises as if he couldn't stop them from coming out, even if he wanted to.

They only got louder and longer as Frank got closer and closer to the edge, he wasn't even aware that he was making such obscene noises as he was absorbed in the feeling of Gerard's cock rubbing against that spot inside of him that felt like continuous fireworks going off and spreading their warmth throughout his whole body, only getting more and more intense as they continued, eventually getting sloppier and sloppier with their movements until Frank was gasping and clutching at Gerard's back as he pushed into him even harder, shattering something inside of Frank in the best way possible, making him throw his head back and moan continuously as he came over his own stomach and Gerard's, causing the other man to groan sympathetically.

" _Fuck- Frank_ ," Gerard said through his strained voice as he buried his face into Frank's flushed neck, thrusting a few more times into Frank's relaxed body, finally coming and gasping, and biting Frank's collarbone as he rode out the shocks, then slowing, and breathing, and smiling against Frank's sweaty skin.

He swallowed thickly and tried to regulate his breathing as his hands held Frank's sides loosely, Frank's hands resting against his back as he eventually forced himself to pull out.

Frank made a face at this as Gerard slid out of him, letting his body collapse beside Frank's as he slung his arms around him.

Frank turned his face in Gerard's hair, breathing him in, smelling only himself on Gerard's hair, as their bodies were intermingled most days, anyway. He shifted slightly to the side, into Gerard, when he felt a slow dripping of Gerard's come down the back of his thigh. He didn't really know what to think about that, but as he pressed his face into Gerard's chest, he was certain of one thing. That he was, and would always be Gerard's. 

Gerard clung to him as much as possible in his weak state, and felt completely and utterly peaceful in that very moment.

"Love you," Frank whispered into his chest after a long moment of them just laying and listening to the calming sound of their steady breathing.

"I love you too," Gerard told him, kissing the top of Frank's head, knowing with an astounding clarity in that moment, that he would do anything to protect Frank.

Anything.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I apologize that it's been over a month since I've last updated anything, but today was my last day of high school, so I'm finally done and graduated, and I'll be back to updating my fics regularly all summer. Enjoy, and sorry again that the wait was so long!!!

Frank held a cup of coffee in his hands, feeling the scalding ceramic pressing into his palms, but for some reason not moving his hands away from the burning sensation. His mind was otherwise occupied, he was in a daze of sorts, as he stood there and felt the atmosphere of his cozy, dim apartment, signs of life and warmth everywhere.

The living room was full of warm tones, the earthy grey of the couch, the dull orange of the blanket, the faded hues of records in the book case. It felt serene here. Frank could hear the distant sounds of Gerard in the other room, he felt an abnormal calm in that moment, looking over their apartment.

Without him really realizing, his mind flitted to the hazy memories of last night. He felt a literal warmth in his heart as he remembered the intimateness of the two of them, Gerard’s bright green eyes that looked impossibly dark and captivating in that moment. In flashes, he remembered. The hot breath mingling between their faces coming out in pants, Gerard’s strong hands gripping his body, the feather light kisses that he pressed against him that contrasted so strongly with the moment.

In the middle of thinking about him, the man himself walked out into the kitchen with a backpack slung over his shoulder. Frank just stood there as he made himself a cup of coffee. His movements were rushed, he pushed his hair back from his face and tucked it behind his ears, the back of his jacket rested just above his belt, being a little small on him since it was Frank’s.

He turned around, sipping out of the mug with just his eyes visible over the top. Frank knew that look. And he wasn’t ready, of course he wasn’t. Gerard was prepared. They’d had their night, they’d had their time, and now was the time to do what they had to do, to start this journey. But Frank felt so utterly unprepared, so strongly dreading this, he didn’t know where Gerard got his strength from. And Frank felt selfish, so unbelievably selfish, because all he wanted to do was have just a little more time with Gerard.

Actually, he wanted all of the time with Gerard, he wanted everything with him, but if he couldn’t have that then he would settle with just a little bit more. A couple more days, for what, he didn’t even know. He’d be perfectly content with just sitting in the same room as him, because it would mean that they were both together, that they were both safe.

But they could procrastinate forever. They could hide away and pretend that any of the horrible things that went on in the world were not happening, and their life could revolve around this living room, and that kitchen, and their movies and their coffee and the two of them.

Guilt was the only thing that got in the way of that, and Gerard’s conscious was more powerful than ever, driving him forward, against everything that he wanted to do, against his instincts. His instincts told him, like a whisper from the bottom of his gut, to stay here with Frank, to keep him safe now that they had each other. But despite that, he couldn’t rest peacefully knowing that Mikey needed their help. The only solution would be to protect Frank as well as he could out on the journey. That was the only thing that he was capable of doing now.

Frank didn’t say anything, he just stood there with an unresponsive look on his face.

“Are you ready?” Gerard asked.

Frank bit his lip, shaking his head minutely. He looked away. “I guess.”

Gerard sighed, setting his drink down and moving towards him. “We’re gonna be okay,” he told him quietly, placing his hand on Frank’s arm while he stared bleakly at the bookcase. “We’re gonna get him quickly and come back, and then it can just be you and me.”

Frank turned to look him in the eyes. “Gerard, I’m okay with you doing a lot of things, but never lie to me.”

A confused expression flashed across Gerard’s face, his hand slipping a little lower on Frank’s arm.

Frank’s expression grew annoyed. “You know as much as I do about what we’re walking ourselves into, so don’t say that we’re going to be fine and that nothing will happen to us, because we have no fucking clue. We’re getting Mikey from Hell. And you comforting me and telling me that it’ll be easy is gonna make it hurt so much worse if something does go wrong. So just be honest with me.”

Gerard pursed his lips, nodding. “Okay,” he said faintly. “I was just trying to make you feel better…”

“I know,” Frank nodded, and stared at him for a minute, trying to ignore the constant lingering feeling of uncertainty and fear that seemed to be relentlessly swirling inside of him these past few months.

Gerard took one last look at him, hiking the strap of the backpack up higher on his shoulder, taking in the sullen expression on Frank’s face, and feeling all too guilty about the fact that he couldn’t talk Frank out of coming with him even if he wanted to. Because he did want him to come with him, he didn’t want to do this on his own, but he didn’t want anything to happen to Frank while they were on their journey, which was an all too real possibility, since even Gerard didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.

“Let’s get going,” he said, and reluctantly, Frank swept his eyes around the apartment once more, noting that this would be the last time he was purely safe in a while. He shook his head to himself. He knew that he should probably be more positive about the journey that they were embarking on, but he couldn’t help but already long for the warm caramel tones of the walls and soft linen sheets of his bed, specifically when Gerard was in it too.

He turned on his heel, and calmly, quietly, walked out of the apartment, hearing Gerard lock it behind them, as they made their way down the hallway and to the elevator, their empty coffee mugs sitting lonely on the kitchen countertop, waiting for them to return.

Stepping outside, Frank breathed in the cool air of the early summer morning, crossing the parking lot to his vehicle. The lawns around them were manicured, with large grey apartment complexes all around them, they were in the heart of the small city, with no vast spaces open for miles. He knew that that would all change once they got out there, once they drove out of town and to the forest, and he didn’t necessarily feel great about leaving the convenience and security of their populated area. He’d never even been camping before, he had no idea what they were really getting themselves into. He just hoped that it would be over soon.

He didn’t have to ask Gerard where they were going, he knew that the forest that they would be venturing into was just past his childhood home. There was a lingering of mysticism around the house, and the fact that this supposed entrance was so close to it. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but Frank wasn’t all too sure that coincidences were purely out of control of the universe anymore. He would have called it a coincidence before that him and Gerard met each other, but he now knew that none of what he thought before was true. Many things that he would have never suspected were pre-planned, or altered just for him, to make his life turn out a specific way.

They sped down the lonely gravel roads out of town, the dull clinking of stones hitting the underside of the vehicle as the fields rolled by. Gerard was looking complacently out of the window as Frank drove, putting the visor down to block out the high shining sun. He wasn’t just thinking about their immediate actions, he was thinking about everything that culminated in his life to get to this point, it seemed almost unreal. What if everything that happened in life happened purposefully? What if everyone had an angel, guiding them down a specific path, making it seem as if the events of a person’s life were out of their control, or merely out of happenstance.

In Frank’s situation, this made sense. Of course Gerard would make Frank’s life turn out the best that he could possibly make it for him, within reason, but what about people whose lives didn’t turn out so great? Had their angel abandoned them? Or did they have some sort of grand plan for everything to turn out in the end, all of the bad things that happened to them necessary for the final result.

Frank couldn’t come up with any sort of reasonable conclusion, but he did know that he liked this theory much better than the more popular belief that everyone was alone in the world, their destiny in their hands, and their hands alone. That put a lot of responsibility on a person, and in that moment Frank was grateful that he had Gerard looking out for him whether he realized it or not at the time.

Nobody was looking out for him anymore, or at least nobody with any sort of otherworldly powers that Gerard used to have, so now his destiny was purely in his own hands. A human’s life is a fragile thing, he realized, with all of the dangers in the world a constant threat to your safety. And now Gerard needed to be protected too. He hoped that the other man realized his mortality, that he needed to protect his own life just as much as Frank’s, because Frank could tell that he still had a bit of his fearless mentality that he built up through years of being an angel. That was a dangerous characteristic to have now, now that he could get hurt.

The ride was mostly silent, Gerard was lost in his own thoughts, leaning against the doorframe of the car, constantly biting his thumbnail. They both watched as they passed Gerard’s old home, the sad, white monstrosity passing quickly, reminding them both of the almost eerie presence that the yard contained.

Taking the few more turns that the map instructed them to, they drove to the end of a sheltered road, shaded on both sides by tall coniferous trees. Frank slowed the car down to a stop at the dead end, a wall of forest in front of them, seeming impenetrable to the outside world. He killed the engine, and for a second, they just sat there and stared into the dark underbrush that was visible past the trunks of the trees.

Gerard got the map out of the backpack that was near his feet, unfolding it, and following the first directions that they had to follow. There was a straight line on the map leading straight into the seemingly endless forest, all they had to do was start walking. Gerard looked at Frank as he put the map back in the bag, zipping it up slowly.

“You ready?” he asked quietly, looking at Frank in a knowing way. A way in which conveyed everything that they’d been thinking about for so long. How reluctant they were to do this, how scared they were, but also how they knew that they had to continue.

Frank shrugged. “If you are.”

Gerard sighed slightly. “I am,” he said, in a way that was not all that convincing. He glanced at him before getting out of the car, Frank reluctantly following. He pocketed the keys, taking one last look at the vehicle before following Gerard to the edge of the forest.

Gerard stopped just before the entrance, a few feet before the trees, and just looked. Frank came to a stop beside him, looking at the forest, and then to Gerard, who just stared into the dimly lit woodland.

Frank trailed his hand down Gerard’s forearm, sliding his hand into the taller man’s. Gerard looked down at him, smiling slightly. “We’ll be fine. And I’m allowed to say that, okay? Because it’s true,” he told Frank, stepping closer to him so that their sides were pressed together.

Frank looked up at him, desperately wanting to believe him, even though he knew that Gerard couldn’t promise that. “Okay,” he nodded, giving his hand a little squeeze.

Gerard tipped his head down and briefly pressed his lips to Frank’s forehead, a confirmation of reassurance, before starting to walk into the forest, Frank going with him since their hands were still laced together, and just like that, they were passed the boundary, and under the thick, shady canopy of the towering spruce trees above.

The ground was bare of any vegetation, instead just barren dirt, scattered with many dead pine needles, a rusty orange colour covering the forest floor. Shrubs were scattered around here and there, but it was mostly just the endless sea of giant trees that they had to weave in between, going on for miles.

 There was lots of stumps and fallen trees that they had to step over, Frank’s hand tightening in Gerard’s every so often on the uneven ground of tree roots and holes from animal burrows.

They walked for a long time, or what felt like a long time to Frank, but he really couldn’t tell how much time had passed, since not a lot of light filtered in through the tree branches, the sky seemed to be a million feet above them, only the odd patch of sunlight would hit the forest floor, making it seem as if they were in an endless period of dusk.

Eventually, Gerard stopped, and they checked the map again, finding that they had to walk until they got to the river, which was no where in sight. With a lot of sighing, they kept going, walking through the monotonous expanse of trees, the only evidence that they were actually getting anywhere were the slight variations in atmosphere. A broken tree stump here, a boulder there. Frank found himself with noticing anything just to pass the time, after walking so long, his feet seemed to be moving in time with Gerard’s without his command, his body just going through the motions as they continued.

Their footing was more even the further they got in, Frank probably could have let go of Gerard’s hand long ago, but he didn’t, because why not? He looked down at their hands cradled together. His looked small in Gerard’s, the other man held his carefully. His hand was strong feeling, firm, but soft.

After a long while, they could hear a distant rushing of water, and Gerard looked at Frank, knowing that they were close to the river. They increased their speed a bit as they neared the landmark, the forest floor dipping off a bit as they got closer, the water eventually coming into view as they reached the river bank.

“How are we gonna cross that?” Frank asked as Gerard checked the map again. The water was two feet deep, at least. Gerard confirmed that they had to cross the river.

“Walk across it, I guess,” he shrugged, and slipped his shoes off, proceeding to throw them to the other side of the riverbank. Frank watched as they hit the ground on the other side of the river with a dull thud. Well, now they had to cross it.

He slipped his shoes off, doing the same as Gerard and rolling up his jeans, before hesitantly stepping into the river. He cringed at first, but soon realized that it wasn’t as cold as he thought that it would be, he waded across feeling the slippery stones under his feet on the river bed.

He felt a splash of water hit the back of his calf, and he turned, seeing Gerard behind him smiling.

“Hey,” Frank said, kicking the water, splashing him back, and Gerard splashed him even harder, getting the knees of his jeans wet despite his careful attempts to keep them dry. “Stop!” Frank yelled, mostly joking.

Gerard laughed, pulling Frank by the front of the shirt towards him, making him stumble forward and almost lose his footing, if not for the strong hold that Gerard had on him. Frank was still smiling, looking up at Gerard, as his hands loosened in the front of his t-shirt, now just resting on chest.

Gerard easily met their lips together, in a rough, demanding type of kiss, one that had Frank leaning his weight into him, trusting that Gerard would keep him steady. Frank melted into his touch, their chests pressing together, kissing back just as strongly, until Gerard bit his bottom lip gently, and he pulled away.

“Mmm,” he leant his forehead against Gerard’s cheek. “We should probably get going,” he told him.

Gerard waited a second before he agreed. “Yeah, come on,” he said, leading them across the rest of the river and up onto the bank yet again, getting both of their pairs of shoes, and slipping them on.

The map said to follow the river bank west until it curves, and then walk in the opposite direction. They continued on their way, walking along the rushing river, with steep cliffed banks from years of erosion. The day was slipping by now, getting dimmer and dimmer, and Frank wasn’t sure what time it was, but it must have been evening, or maybe even later.

The river seemed to have gone on for miles, but they finally reached the point where it curved, doing as the instructions said and going in the opposite direction, into a seemingly random portion of the forest yet again.

This time though, the forest floor seemed to be getting steeper and steeper, angling upwards the further they walked, and their trek soon became laboured as they hiked up the the continuous hill that was building up. Frank didn’t mind walking, or hiking through the forest, but constantly fighting against this hill was draining him quickly, and he began to grow tired as they just continued up and up and up, with no visible end in sight.

But they had to keep going, there was no reason to stop now.

Frank tried to drown out the aching feeling in his legs as they droned on, the forest now alive with many shadows as the sun presumably set beyond the horizon, not that Frank could see it.

And it was then as the darkness set in that they heard it: the distant boom of thunder, sounding as if it was rolling through the clouds towards them.

Frank turned to look at Gerard as they both turned to stop, an expression of disbelief spreading across his face. “No, it can’t start raining, not now,” he was sure, but Gerard just groaned, knowing what was coming.

“Let’s just keep going, maybe it’ll pass,” he hoped, and continued walking, trying to be optimistic, but failing, as the further they walked, the more frequent the booms of thunder became, until they saw the imminent crack of lightning in the distance.

It was when Frank was stepping over a rotting fallen tree that he felt the first sprinkle of raindrops on his face, looking towards Gerard as they both knew that the rain was starting, whether they wanted it to or not. As they kept walking, the rain only got heavier, the drops getting larger, spattering against Frank’s face and feeling the cold beads land in his hair, before he glanced at Gerard with an expression of defeat, the shoulders of his hoodie now dark and wet with rainwater, cold against his skin.

Gerard had water dripping down his face, the water filtering in through the tree branches and falling on them in uneven patterns as they walked, as he tugged Frank in a random direction off of the imaginary path that they were following. Frank went with him, not really knowing what they were doing, but desperate enough to get out of the rain that he was up for whatever Gerard had in mind.

He could vaguely see the shape of what Gerard was leading him to in the distance, the cliffside and a huge tree looming ahead was barely visible through the dark and pounding rain, but it was there, and he and Gerard made their way through the pelting raindrops towards the hope of shelter.

The tree was right up against the cliff, it’s wide, low branches were thick enough to shelter them from the heavy rain, and Gerard tugged him down onto the ground into the little corner between the cliff face and tree trunk, Frank following readily, crawling into the area. 

His back was against the cliff side, his feet pressed against the trunk of the tree in front of them, and it wasn't all that particularly comfortable, but it was a good shelter from the rain. The pattering of droplets could be heard all around them, falling onto the soft material of the ground and dropping off of the leaves all around them. For a moment they were silent, just calming down and taking a moment to catch their breath from the trek.

Frank's hands were shaking slightly because of the cold, and Gerard soon noticed, moving so that he could put his arm around Frank and bring him closer into his body. "Come here, you're cold," he told him lowly, or maybe it just seemed quiet because of the continuous pattering of rain all around.

Frank didn't hesitate to move into him, resting against his chest as Gerard circled his arms around his waist, and Frank brought his hands up in between them to warm them up. He pressed his face right into the soft skin of Gerard's neck, loving that he was so warm all the time. 

"How much farther do you think we have to go?" Frank asked him in a murmur.

"Not very far, we're three quarters there. We could have made it tonight if it didn't start pouring," he told him. "But maybe it's better if we take a bit to rest first," he added, not needing to say that that was because they didn't know what they'd be facing once they got there. They didn't need to think about that right then. 

Frank tried not to think about the fact that they were sitting on the ground in the middle of the forest all by themselves. He knew that they'd be doing this, yet actually going through it was much worse than just the thought, he realized. 

"Hopefully we can just get Mikey and go home," he said, and felt Gerard nod against his head.

"Me too, we just need to get home and everything'll be good. And I promise I'll never made you leave the house again," he added with a chuckle, and Frank smiled against him.

"Good," he said, his hands sliding down and resting against Gerard's stomach. "But really though, I'm gonna get a job soon. I need to start actually doing something. To be constructive, you know?" he asked. His eyes were shut, it was dark anyways, so it's not like they could really see all that much except for the dim outlines of tree trunks all around them, that were now half obscured by the branches above them.

"Yeah. You need to get back to normal. I'd be good for you," Gerard told him, reaching up and placing his hand on the back of Frank's neck to play with the hair there.

"I'm gonna see about that firm in New York…" Frank said quietly, feeling himself close to sleep, struggling to keep up the small conversation that they had, mostly just to comfort each other and pretend that what they were doing wasn't that scary.

"Yeah, I remember. You went there back in January and dropped off your resume, and they said that they weren't hiring, but that lady might have a position open in the summer," he said lazily, not even really having to put in that much effort to remember what Frank was talking about.

Gerard said that so casually, but he wasn't even there yet, him and Frank hadn't even met yet when that'd happened, and it made Frank realize all over again how Gerard had been there for him all this time, he'd been there for forever, since the beginning, and he felt an even stronger attachment to the man that he was absorbing all the warmth from in that moment.

Gerard had always protected him, and Gerard had always been there for him, whether he'd known it or not, but the fact that Gerard knew the littlest, most unimportant details of his life solidified the fact that he loved him. He loved so much that he clung to him, his fists closing in on his t-shirt that could barely be seen in the dark in which they huddled, the two of them the only people in the surrounding miles, holding each other closely as the sound of the rain lulled them both to sleep.

Well, the only people in the immediate vicinity. As for the miles of forest around them, they weren't as uninhabited as they'd previously thought.


	28. Chapter 28

The air was a certain cool, sharp crispness that is only felt after a heavy rainstorm, revitalizing the plants and animals that thrived in the dense, quiet forest. 

Frank's cheek was smushed up against something, and he immediately felt the ache of his muscles from being in a curled up position for far too long. He was warm, but uncomfortable, and he tried to stretch out before he was even fully awake, but he found that he couldn't; he was trapped in a corner, the hard floor and walls now seemed even more uncomfortable around him. He pushed himself up, little sharp things digging into the palm of his hand, and he really didn't know what was going on until he forced his eyes open, blinking dumbly for a few seconds at the environment around him.

His knees were up to his chest in a fetal position of sorts, his feet pressing into the trunk of a giant tree sitting directly in front of them, his shoulder tucked under Gerard's armpit. 

He looked around. He could only see the ground in front of them since the wide branches of the tree they were sitting under blocked everything else out, the very bottoms of the surrounding tree trunks just within Frank's line of sight. It was light out, it was sometime in the early morning, he presumed, and he quickly put his attention back over to Gerard sleeping beside him. 

He was nicely tucked into Gerard's side, his head had fallen down to his shoulder at an awkward looking angle after Frank sat up, his hair falling into his face like it always did. 

"Gerard," Frank whispered, placing his hand on Gerard's side, shaking him gently. He cupped the side of his face and pushed his head up to a normal position. His eyes fluttered open at that, Frank's hand still on his face as he startled a bit, looking at Frank and then around the corner in which they were nestled. He seemed to remember where they'd hidden out the night before. 

"Hey," he said, rubbing his eyes. "It's morning?" 

"Guess so," Frank shrugged, moving Gerard's hair out of his face so that he could see him better. 

Gerard groaned. "My back hurts," he complained, making a grimacing face.

"Well, we slept against a fucking cliff," Frank told him, looking over at the stony cliffside that they were resting on. 

After a while Gerard sighed. "I guess we should get going so that we can get out of here," Gerard told him, making no effort to move.

"Ugh," Frank whined, moving back against Gerard and pushing his face into his neck similar to last night. 

Gerard indulged him, wrapping his arms around him and hugging him close one last time before they started the second and hopefully final half of their journey, pulling Frank's much smaller body against him as he nuzzled his head. Frank's hair was soft and fluffy, and after a few minutes he tilted his face up and placed small kisses down his forehead, down the bridge of his nose, to his mouth. 

Frank sighed against his lips, moving his leg on top of Gerard's to get more comfortable, his hand sliding up Gerard's chest to hold the back of his neck. 

They calmly kissed a few times, the loving, gentle sort of kisses that always happen in the morning, when your body is pliable and your mind is hazy.

A tree branch snapped loudly and clearly in the distance.

Frank's mind sharpened at once, and he tore his face away from Gerard's, looking out at the opening of their little hiding space, even though all he could see was the few feet of forest floor in front of them. He felt Gerard's hands tighten in a vice-like grip around his biceps, they both sat there tensely, muscles rigid, just waiting.

There was another rustle, and a crunch, sounding not too far away. 

Frank's heartbeat started thundering in his chest, he and Gerard did not share even one glance in the tiny space between them, their eyes too preoccupied in staring at the open space in front of them, trying to be as quiet as possible. Frank felt as though he was barely breathing in and out at all, even the tiniest little intake of air sounded too loud in his ears, his body automatically heightened all of his senses in the rush of adrenalin the fright caused.

Gerard slowly and silently moved his leg up, bending at the knee, and arm around Frank, turning his body in towards him as if to shield him from anything that may be approaching them. Frank could barely see out of the opening anymore, most of his vision taken up by Gerard's chest, but he was still straining to hear anything, unfortunately the crunching sounds only got louder and more frequent, and Frank couldn't help but press his face into Gerard's chest, his face screwed up in anticipation, just waiting for the end, waiting for whatever was coming for them to just attack already.

Frank was surprised Gerard's fingernails hadn't pierced through his hoodie with how tightly he was holding him, and right in the middle of this unnecessary observation, the tree branches shielding them were ripped to the side, and a person was revealed, looking down on them from only a foot away.

"I was looking everywhere for you guys, what are you doing in there?"

The voice didn't sound menacing or violent at all, if that was the voice of Satan himself coming to murder him and Gerard, he surely sounded like any normal guy, Frank thought, but Gerard slowly turned around and looked up at the person that'd found them, the fear slowly draining away as they took in the relatively normal man standing before them. 

He was wearing jeans, and a black t-shirt, showing off his tanned arms, and his dark hair was pushed back, looking a little curly because of the humidity.

"Have I seen you before?" Frank asked all of a sudden, something about this guy's face looked familiar.

"Yeah, the letter… from Mikey? I gave it to you," the guy told him, and they all stared at each other in an awkward silence as Frank processed this. 

"Pete?" Gerard asked, and the man standing before them smiled.

"Yeah, man, I've been looking for you guys all night."

Suddenly it came back to Frank, the guy that mysteriously knocked on his door late one night and handed him the letter from Mikey. From Hell. But he looked a little bit different then, Frank thought back. 

The _hat_.

He was wearing a hat last time, he remembered, and as he looked back up to Pete's head, he saw the very reason for that accessory. There, just peaking out of Pete's black hair, were two short horns growing out of his skull, not very pointy, but noticeable enough. 

Gerard seemed to relax, trusting that this guy wouldn't harm them, and he untangled himself from Frank, shuffling out of their dark corner and standing up, helping Frank out of the cramped space, both of them stretching and observing the immensely sunnier forest that surrounded them. 

"How'd you know we were here?" Gerard asked him.

"I saw your car parked outside of the forest, but I mean…" he paused. Now that Frank was standing beside him, he realized that Pete was about the same size as him, and not as threatening as he seemed in the dim hallway of his apartment building. "I kind of just know about things around here. It's my job," he told them.

Frank looked at him, not really understanding.

"So do you know how to get to Mikey? We were walking all day yesterday before the thunderstorm started," Gerard asked him.

"Yeah, that's why I was trying to find you guys, to help get him out of there. I was ordered to go see who the intruders were, but I had a feeling it would be you."

"Intruders?" Frank asked.

"In the forest," explained Pete. "Anytime anyone enters the forest, they know about it, down there. And we're supposed to go search for them and figure out what they're doing, stop them from getting to the entrance."

"Does that happen a lot? People wandering in here?"

Pete shook his head. "No, it's rare that people ever want to explore in here. Even if they do enter, they usually leave quickly because of how big it is. The entrance is placed miles in for a reason. Usually the people that are looking with a purpose are the ones we have to deal with."

Frank nodded. "So there's other people like you?"

Pete smiled. "Other demons? Yeah, tons."

Frank's grip involuntarily tightened around Gerard's wrist. Gerard didn't say anything.

Pete just laughed. "It's not like I asked to be like this. It was against my will. But don't worry, even though I should technically be devoted to working for them, I'm not. I haven't been for a long time. Nobody down there needs to know that though, it's me and Mikey's little secret."

"What do you do, exactly, down there?" Gerard asked him.

"Guard the place, pretty much. Watch the borders, run errands, make sure the prisoners are kept alive. Well, the prisoners can't _die_ , necessarily, but make sure they're not getting into trouble. You know what I mean."

"How _is_ Mikey? Is he okay?" 

Pete bit his lip. "He's as okay as you can get down there. I mean, I'm with him as much as I can be, and… he'll just be so much better once we get him out of there. He was starting to think that you guys wouldn't come at all, but I kept telling him that he shouldn't give up hope yet, that you guys would show up eventually."

"And can I ask… why can't you just take him out of there yourself?"

"Because a human needs to bring him out of there. It just physically wouldn't work if I tried, lots of people have tried before, and it's like there's an invisible barrier blocking the entrance. The only way a person can be smuggled out is if a human soul takes them across, since the prisoner will be crossing over into the human world."

Gerard nodded. "Okay," he said, running his hand through his hair, thinking about all of this.

"Well, let's get going I guess," Pete told them, starting to walk in the opposite direction, Frank and Gerard eventually following. 

Frank's hand slid down into Gerard's as they followed behind Pete, silently hiking again up the slight incline of the forest, the atmosphere strikingly different from last night, now narrow pillars of sunlight shone down through the tree branches and birds chirped high above.

"Pete?" Gerard asked after a long while.

"Huh?"

"You and Mikey… you're really close aren't you?" he asked.

Frank couldn't see Pete's face, but he guessed he was smiling.

"Yeah, we are."

There was a pause.

"So this'll be hard for you, letting him go," Gerard said solemnly.

Pete slowed to a stop and turned around.

"I'm not letting him go."

Gerard looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"…I'm going with him," Pete said, like it was obvious.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I'm- I wouldn't just stay here for the rest of eternity and let him go. Why would I do that?" Pete asked, everyone was clearly confused.

"No, I didn't think you'd want to, I just- I didn't think you could. Leave here."

Pete nodded, running his hand through his hair in a stressed out manner. "No, yeah, I can cross over, with you and Frank. That's the good think about both of you coming, one of your souls will allow Mikey to cross over, and the other one mine. The only reason I was allowed to leave here to deliver the letter was because it was an order. A temporary exception."

"Wow, so we're sneaking both of you out," Gerard said as they continued walking.

Pete nodded. "I could never leave him behind. Not ever. I've been with him so long, and I've had to see him suffer down there for so many years- we're in this together. I wasn't going against the system before he showed up, but… as soon as we started getting closer I knew that I wanted to escape with him, whenever we got the chance. It breaks my heart that he's been trapped down there for so long in that cell with nothing. I love him, and that's like, the worst torture. Seeing someone you love just slowly deteriorate."

Frank squeezed Gerard's hand, not knowing what to say about Mikey's brutal imprisonment, and how hard that must have been for Pete.

"You love him," Gerard stated.

"So much," Pete confirmed, climbing over a log.

"I'm glad he had someone," he said, feeling worse and worse with every detail Pete was providing them with of Mikey's traumatic life down there. Gerard was trying to keep himself together, but with the more Pete was telling them, the clearer the reality was that his little brother had been practically rotting in some dark cell for who knows how many decades now. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to think about how horrible this was, he just wanted to get there to save him, to bring him out and into the real world where they could try to make him better. Where it was safe.

He had no idea how Mikey would be when they rescued him. His letter had seemed coherent enough, but that could be nothing compared to how he actually was. He didn't even want to imagine. Solitude could do terrible things to people, and he desperately hoped that Mikey would be somewhat still in tact psychologically, because if this had damaged him, if he wasn't the same as Gerard had remembered,- it would crush him. He didn't know if he was strong enough to face him these hundred or so years later, with himself in tact and healthy as ever, and Mikey in God knows what condition.

"So you guys are dating?" Pete asked out of the blue.

"Yeah," Frank confirmed, a small, private sort of smile spread across his lips, that he thought Gerard didn't notice.

"Come on, give me more than that. I've been in Hell, for fuck's sake. Do you think there's just an abundance of romanticism happening down there?" he asked.

Gerard and Frank shared a glance, before Frank took it upon himself to fill Pete in with some details.

"Well, we've known each other since the start of February, but… we weren't actually _together_ together until about a month ago," he started. It was almost June now, and with that he realized that it was half a year. Half of a year since his life took this drastic change. Whether it was for the better or worse, was something that he didn't have nearly enough time to contemplate on their short walk. That was one of those questions that he wasn't sure he'd ever find the answer to. Of course, Gerard entering his life was something that he was greatly thankful for, but everything else that came with it… he wasn't sure. 

"Oh, it's kinda new then?" Pete asked, glancing at them behind him.

"Uh… not really. I don't know, it's complicated. We were always kind of together, but we just… neglected to talk about it for like months. There was all this other shit going on," Frank tried to explain. 

Gerard smiled. 'Other shit' was as good of explanation as any for everything that they'd been through this year. Really, they wanted to move past it all. They were good now.

"But now we're actually each other's _boyfriend_ , and we live together, and…" he glanced at Gerard who was still smiling, "we're gonna adopt a dog together or some other stupid shit that people always do when they get into a committed relationship."

Pete laughed ahead of them, tripping on a tree root.

Gerard looked over at him, his face previously half hidden by his hair. Frank smiled widely at him, and moved his thumb back and forth on Gerard's hand.

Gerard mouthed silently, "Love you."

Frank brought their entwined hands up to his mouth and kissed the back of Gerard's knuckles softly before focusing on walking again, or more like blushing at the ground as they continued their trek behind Pete, who was clueless to their soppy exchange.

The forest floor got quite a bit steeper for a long portion of the walk after that, in which they practically had to fight to climb, but slowly Pete dwindled slower and slower, until they saw something large and looming in the distance. In the largely empty and monotonous forest, the sight of something man-made and obviously what they were looking for put Frank on edge.

He could see it in the distance, at the peak of this hill they were climbing was what looked like a well. A very big, circular well with mismatched stone sides, and as they travelled nearer and nearer, Frank realized that it wasn't a well at all but a trap door of sorts.

It looked strange, the only thing standing in the entire forest, eerily calm and quiet, Frank almost expected something to jump out of it, but as they approached, it stood stalk still as it always had, disturbingly dirty, the stones on the side were falling apart, and the wooden doors on the top were moulding and flimsy-looking.

Pete stood in front of it with his hands on his hips. "This is it."

Gerard audibly swallowed. "What are we gonna be facing down there?" he asked, the worry evident in his tone now that they were here. Mikey was so close, yet so far at the same time. This was the last, yet most frightening step in their mission.

"Hopefully nothing, but I can't guarantee anything. What's for sure it that no one can see you, I'll make sure of it, because if anyone sees humans down there… It'll be bad," he told them. "The only people we'd run into is other demons like me, but all of them are dedicated to their orders. They aren't like me at all, and they wouldn't let you go freely."

"Great," Frank said quietly, feeling insanely nervous about this.

"I'll lead you guys to Mikey, and then I'll keep watch while you guys get him, and we'll get out of there as fast as possible," Pete told them, looking back at Frank and Gerard one last time, standing extremely close together, hands held tightly, looking at the well with a strange sort of calm horror.

"Okay," Gerard said after awhile, as Frank couldn't bring himself to say anything at all, and with that, Pete grabbed the rusty handle, swinging the decaying door up and open, the hinges squeaking ominously as a pitch black tunnel was revealed, a single wooden ladder leading down the side, which faded into bone chilling nothingness.


	29. Chapter 29

Pete descended the ladder, his black hair dissipating into the darkness below as if he had never been there at all. Frank's body was dragged forward by an unknown entity, probably Gerard, but he had no idea as the only thing he was focusing on was the entrance; nothingness, going down and down and down, with no promise of ever getting out at all. 

Frank watched silently, almost disbelievingly as Gerard climbed onto the ladder, glancing down as he descended, soon vanishing from Frank's vision entirely until there he stood, at the epitomical portal by himself. He took a few deep breaths, knowing that he wanted to do this. For Gerard, he had to do this. 

Sweeping his eyes around the unsettling calm forest with concern, he forced his body into action and walked towards the entrance, the very pit into Hell that he had been fearing and visualizing for so long now. It was time. He swung his legs over the barrier and onto the ladder, the decaying wood of the open doors was damp and crumbling underneath his fingertips, as if it had been there for centuries. 

Finally on the ladder, Frank looked up to the sky, rather than glancing downwards as Pete and Gerard had done. He told himself that it was out of choice, but deep down, he knew that if he looked downwards while descending, he didn't know if he'd be able to do it. 

Only small patches of the vaguely blue sky miles and miles above were visible through the leaves and branches above. He missed the sky, in that moment. All he got was fractions, then. Tiny fractions of the sky which reminded him that this was real, that they had to complete this in order to move on. And as he climbed down, that sky only grew further and further away, the darkness slowly surrounding him, blanketing his vision, and then completely suffocating him as all he was left with was his sense of touch as he felt the rough texture of the ladder rungs under his palms.

After what felt like hours of climbing down the ladder, the darkness confusing time and blending all of his actions together into one long, continuous movement, his heart leapt as he saw a tiny light below, flickering, but there. 

The more he descended, the larger the light became, and eventually he saw Pete and Gerard standing close by, Pete holding a torch of some kind, as Frank finally reached the bottom. 

He joined Gerard and Pete quickly, feeling as if this experience was unreal altogether, as he took in their surroundings. He couldn't make out what exactly the floor and walls were made of, but they were in a large tunnel underground, no lights visible except for the flickering flame of the torch that Pete had procured from who knows where. As he looked down at their feet, he noticed that the light shone off of small patches on the floor, it was a bit wet, and very dirty, the whole place seemed to be carved out of the ground and left just as it had been thousands of years ago.

Frank felt Gerard's hand fumble for his in the near-dark, he looked to Pete ahead of them for some sort of instruction, in which Pete motioned to them with a gesture to follow him ahead. Frank's legs stumbled forward as he and Gerard followed Pete, walking into the unknown ahead of them as the tunnel stretched on and on and on. 

As they continued, Pete's figure a vague shadow in the distance, Frank noticed the tunnel branching off into different directions away from them, some of them fading into the familiar fading blackness that lingered around them like a constant blanket, others ending in other things entirely. 

At the entrance of one passageway was a startlingly clean steel door, with no windows and no door handle, simple sitting there with no markings whatsoever. Other passageways looked like they dropped off into nothingness below them, with no roof, no walls, and no floor that he could make out.

Frank clutched Gerard's hand so tightly that he felt as if he was going to break his fingers, but he felt a strong need to make sure that him and Gerard were together at all times. He was not going to let him out of his reach, and he stuck closer and closer to his side the further they walked on. 

Frank wanted to ask Pete how much further they had to go, or what exactly they were going to be doing, but Pete was not making any noise, and he was scared that if he were to speak aloud, something bad would happen. They were sneaking Mikey out after all, right? 

After what felt like endless walking, and several moments of fright where Frank questioned if they were even following Pete at all anymore, Frank saw a dull red glow in the distance that only became clearer the closer they grew to it. 

As they neared, he noticed that there were actually two light sources up ahead, on either side of a door way, two burning sconces on either side, the fire dark red and illuminating the outline of an unmarked doorway which Pete was leading them through. 

Gerard's hand slipped in Frank's a little bit because of their sweat, but he retightened their grip on each other as Pete glanced back at them, pausing at the doorway.

Frank and Gerard walked up to him, watching as Pete extinguished his small torch, leaving them in only the dull red glow of the strange flames above them.

Pete stepped up to Frank and Gerard and leaned in, so close that his lips were almost touching their ears. "Follow me, and don't stop walking for anything. Look straight ahead, and no matter how scared you are, keep walking," he whispered, so quietly that Frank strained to hear him despite their cheeks touching together. 

He looked over at Gerard, just barely visible in the blood coloured glow, and Gerard simply met his eyes with a look of determination, his familiar face the only comfort to Frank in that moment. Pete's words sent shivers down his spine, and for some reason, he felt insanely cold as he watched Pete walk ahead of them and through the doorway. 

Gerard started walking forward slowly, causing Frank to follow no matter how much he was unready to. For a little while, he saw no difference in this tunnel from any of the others that they had walked down, simple blackness, dirt walls and floor around them, but eventually, his heart plummeted as he realized what was around them. 

On the walls on either side of them ahead, were bars, spanning from floor to ceiling. Chipped, metal bars, some covered in dark substances as they passed, and Frank's blood ran cold as he realized that they were walking past the cells of prisoners held down here.

And as he had previously envisioned Mikey, although he knew that he was in Hell, for some reason he never thought that it would be this bad. 

He tried not to look side to side, he tried so hard, just as Pete had said, but there was something creeping inside of him, some twisted curiosity that overwhelmed him in that moment to look at what they were passing, to look at the prisoners that supposedly lingered all around them. 

Almost not being able to stop himself, he turned his head to the right, bracing himself for what he would be met with, but he breathed out as they seemed to pass an empty cell, or what looked to be an empty cell, passed the steel bars, not much else could be seen through the darkness. 

Passing by one cell and then another, Frank began to think that they were empty or abandoned, until all of a sudden he was face to face with two black eye sockets staring back at him. The air was choked out of Frank's lungs at the sight of the stranger's disfigured face pressed against the bars of the cell, eyes empty and fingers clawing at the rough metal of the bars.

They passed them quickly, but Frank's mind was still at the cell that they just passed, he almost felt lightheaded all of a sudden, he kept his gaze to the ground, starting at his grey converse walking forward continually, focusing in on Gerard' larger hand around his as he tried his hardest to keep going. 

After what felt like forever, with the image of that person still plastered as clear as ever in his mind, Pete slowed down ahead of them, as they had reached the end of the tunnel. Frank watched Pete as they approached reach into his pocket and get out a large, metal key, bringing it to the padlock on one of the cells and opening it. 

This was Mikey's cell, Frank guessed, and he watched Pete turn the key in the lock ever so slowly, trying not to make too much noise despite the inevitable scraping of metal on rusty metal. Finally, the cell lock clicked open, and Pete re-pocketed the key, looking at them before he entered into the darkness within. 

Frank looked at Gerard before they followed him into the cell, growing more and more nervous as this was the moment that they had been waiting for. Frank would meet Mikey, but as he saw the environment they were surrounded in, he was sure that their first meeting wouldn't be like anything he ever thought it'd be. 

The room had three dirt walls with a dirt floor, and nothing else. Pete crouched down in the corner, and as Frank and Gerard approached, Frank saw that there was a small figure curled up there. He could barely see through the darkness, but he could see their figures, he could see Pete touching the person in the corner and leaning down to whisper in their ear. 

Gerard walked up and crouched down beside Pete, so Frank followed, kneeling on the ground as the person slowly sat up. They were close, within touching distance, and as the person blinked awake, they jolted backwards violently against the wall behind them, their eyes darting back and forth in fear at the people in front of them. 

Frank could see now, that it was a guy, he looked quite young, and was terribly small compared to all of them as he huddled in the corner, dirty and shaking. 

"It's Gerard," Pete whispered, ever so quietly in the space between them. Mikey looked to Pete, and then back at Frank and Gerard as he took them in, seemingly trusting Pete's word. His eyes were wide, and he sat up further as he saw the person in front of him. 

"Gerard?" Mikey asked quietly in a voice of disbelief.

"Hey Mikey, we're taking you home." Gerard whispered, hesitantly reaching out and touching Mikey's knee.

"Gerard," Mikey breathed out again, as he surged forward and hugged his brother for the first time in decades, almost knocking Gerard off balance, before he wrapped his arms around the small boy tightly. 

"I missed you so much," Gerard whispered to him as they hugged, and Mikey sniffled into Gerard's shirt as they embraced, a strangely heartwarming moment in such a dismal place. 

But their reunion was interrupted by scraping and banging noises from down the tunnel. 

Frank watched Pete's head snap around back to the door of the cell, before he turned back to Frank and the brothers. "We need to get out of here," he told them, and at that Gerard let go of Mikey, reaching for Frank's hand once again as they stood up. 

Pete helped Mikey up, wrapping his arm around Mikey's small waist as they all filed out of the cell and out into the tunnel, where the echoing noises of the other prisoners could be heard close by. 

Now all they needed to do was get out of there safely, they had Mikey, and Frank prayed that they could make it out of the vast tunnels that this place was comprised of as soon as possible, because although Gerard was close to his side, he couldn't ignore the unsettling movement in the darkness all around them.

With Mikey clutched close to his side, Pete led the way again, with Gerard and Frank following close behind. This time they were walking much faster, the prisoners must have heard them whispering in Mikey's cell, because now Frank could hear shuffling noises all around them, with each cell they passed he could almost feel their presence, although he was sure to keep his gaze down at his and Gerard's feet. 

Up ahead, the red glow of the doorway was visible, and Gerard and Frank sprinted to get out of the tunnel as soon as possible, a rising sort of urgency spreading through Frank as he desperately just wanted to get out of there altogether. He wanted to see the sky again, he wanted to go home and to never have to come back to this place. 

Frank was hoping that they could run the rest of the way, that's what his body was screaming at him to do, but once they caught up with Pete and Mikey, they realized that they were walking much slower. Frank was about to say something, to tell them that they needed to go, that he couldn't stand it down there much longer, when he realized Pete practically dragging Mikey down the passageway and into the main tunnel that they had come from. 

It was then that Frank realized; Mikey had been locked in that cell for decades, and although he was a fallen angel, he couldn't die, that didn't mean that he was healthy. He was scarily thin, and although Frank could barely make out their shapes in the darkness in front of them, he could see that Pete was probably twice the size of the smaller boy, just a similar height. 

Mikey's breathing was heavy, and Pete's arm was wrapped around his waist, supporting him as much as he could as they continued to rush along, all of them feeling a similar importance of just escaping now. The sooner they could get out of the forest, the sooner that they'd be free. The sooner that they could get Mikey out of there.

Now, in the journey back to the surface, it seemed as if the darkness spread out for miles, although it mustn't have been that far. There was nothing to gauge how far they'd come, at least as far as Frank could tell, other than the few passageways branching off and leading to places that Frank wanted to ignore completely. He trusted that Pete knew the way, and just kept walking, pressing his arm up against Gerard's every now again just to make sure that he was real, just to feel him again in the emptiness that they were trudging through, endlessly.

After a long while of nothing but laboured breathing and the sound of shoes scuffling on the dirty ground, a dark shape loomed in front of them which Frank eventually made out to be the ladder, and he internally shouted for joy that they could finally go out into the real world again. 

This was certainly not the Hell that he'd imagined. He'd imagined firey pits and torture, and although that certainly could have existed down there in one of the many mysterious passageways that they did not venture into, it was still more horrible than he'd ever wanted it to be, and as Pete was helping Mikey up the ladder to the fresh air of the outside world, Frank hoped that he would never have to do anything like this ever again. He was done with Heaven and Hell and everything that made them seem a little more realistic than he'd ever wanted them to be. He just wanted to live a normal life with Gerard, he longed after that.

Being a lawyer was never anything spectacular or amazing, but right then, he could almost cry thinking about how the hardest thing that he had to deal with before was not being able to get a cab in the city, or the barista messing up his coffee order. 

Frank wanted he most boring parts of life with Gerard, because nothing else would make him truly happier than paying bills and buying groceries with the man he loved. 

A blinding shaft of light lit the ladder, and as Frank looked up, his eyes not yet adjusting to the daylight above, it truly looked like heaven. 

Pete and Mikey ascended the ladder, their bodies soon fading into the blinding light above, and Frank just stood there staring, feeling as if this was The Moment; the moment the next chapter of his life began. 

With climbing this ladder, they would all be free, and he and Gerard could forget that any of this ever happened. He would feel the sunlight on his face again, but for the first time, instead of that being a burning sort of harsh reality that he wanted to cower away from, he and Gerard were going to bask in it, soak it up and take it for all that it was worth. 

Frank climbed the ladder with Gerard, putting absolutely all of his power into it as he felt the sunlight getting brighter and brighter, welcoming them, engulfing them in reality as they left the darkness for good. 

Gerard climbed over the edge and grabbed Frank's hand, pulling him over and onto the familiar leafy ground of the forest floor once again, feeling hyper sensitive to everything around them after the sensory deprivation of the morbid darkness that they had been in for too long.

Frank breathed in, feeling the slightly cool air rush into his lungs, smelling the trees and the earthy scent of the soil around them. A few feather light strands of his hair brushed his cheek from the breeze, and he smiled, looking at Gerard who gazed at the environment around them also as if it was brand new. It gave them all a new appreciation for it, after seeing what it was like down there, Frank felt as if he was seeing everything differently, not only this forest, but his entire life as the sight of the leaves and the flowers and the birds around them looked so unbelievably vibrant.

But what Frank and Gerard were experiencing was nothing compared to Mikey. Frank looked over at Mikey and Pete standing a fair distance away from them, Pete smiling at him with the happiest look in his eyes that Frank had ever seen, and Mikey in absolute tears. 

He was smiling while he was crying so heavily, the fresh air and the sound of a bird chirping as it flew above them was all too much. It was too beautiful, it was too real, that all he could do was gaze around it before giving in and burying his face into Pete's neck happily as his shoulders shook with sobs. 

Pete wrapped his arms around Mikey's shoulders and rested his cheek on the top of his head, his eyes closed, smiling at the feeling of this all. Mikey had made it out of the entrance, it had worked. Frank and Gerard allowed them to exit that place, and they could flee now. And that's what they were going to do: run. And never come back. 

Mikey broke away from Pete's embrace and wiped his eyes, turning to Gerard. "Thank you," he breathed out disbelievingly, staring at Gerard as if he wasn't actually real. Gerard looked different to how he'd remembered, but of course that was to be expected. They hadn't seen each other for over a hundred years. 

"Don't even thank me, I would do anything for you. You know that," Gerard told him, stepping forward and hugging him again. He was crying a bit too, but only a few happy tears seeped out as he felt Mikey's small arms wrap around his middle- a feeling that he didn't think he'd ever get to experience again. 

Frank approached them after a moment. It was after Gerard and Mikey broke away with smiles on their faces that Frank really had the chance to take in what Gerard's long lost brother looked like. 

Mikey's face was much thinner than Gerard's rounded one, but their faces shared strikingly similar characteristics, and he even had Gerard's hazel eyes. His hair though, was dirty blonde and messy, and his baggy shirt and pants, stained with mud and whatever else hung off of his body, showing how unhealthy he really was. Frank's heart sank when he realized that this was probably the first time he'd felt the sunlight in decades. 

"Well, let's get home, yeah?" Pete asked them, and Gerard tore his eyes away from Mikey to nod, wholeheartedly agreeing that they should get out of there, and bring Mikey to safety. He was determined to never let his little brother out of his sights again. Or at least as long as possible.

With that, Frank and Gerard started leading the way, starting the long walk back to the car, Pete wrapping his arm tightly around Mikey as they journeyed behind them, squeezing the boy affectionately to his side. 

"You get to go home," Pete told him, looking over into his tired eyes.

Mikey smiled back at him, resting his head onto Pete's shoulder as they walked, knowing that he was safe whenever his strong arms were around him. 

Pete was all that he had, for the past hundred years or so, and as he looked ahead at his brother and Frank walking through the forest, holding hands in Frank's hoodie pocket, he was astonished that he could ever be this happy again in his life. 

But Mikey knew better than anyone else that life took unexpected turns. He just hoped that this one lasted for a while, cause he knew he'd never get tired of the feeling of Pete smiling against his cheek, or the gentle sounds of nature living and breathing and singing above their heads like fairies scattering pixie dust in the wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to everyone who was keeping up with this book, but as i'm sure everyone knows i decided to discontinue it. i don't feel too bad about this because i feel like we stopped at a point where the characters have completed their goal and are at peace, so this is the end. thanks for reading :) 
> 
> check out my other frerard oneshots on my profile, or head over to my tumblr: newjerseyfucker.


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